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Does anyone have experience dealing with an elderly mother-in-law who is/was a narcissist? She has also had dementia for the last several years ?

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First, Dementia takes away reason and empathy. They become self-centered and Needy (which I don't do well with) I asked Mom's Neurologist if her personality would change he said...if they were nice before, they will be nice after. If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after. If they were nice before and nasty after, they were really nasty just knew how to cover it up.

I think the last one, nasty just covered it up would have been my MIL. TG we did not have to find that out. She passed at 91. Her motto was "You can attract bees with honey better than vinegar" She came off as a sweet lady but when she did not get her way, she was nasty. She got her way by being passive-agressive. She did what she wanted and then was sulky when you did not appreciate it. She always wanted to buy me clothes. I don't like people buying me clothes. This upset her till my Mom told her she did not buy me clothes. Jewelry, I don't even wear it. Other than my wedding band, engagement ring and a gold chain my sister gave me. She also was a liar. Here's were the word personality disorder comes in. Seems this was a childhood problem too. She told lies about me to family. TG one of DHs Aunts was my GFs mother and knew me because she told her sisters E was lying. How did I handle it. She only lied about me when I went to her house alone. So, never went without my DH. We had a cordial relationship. I never disrespected her. I am so glad that we never took her in. I am sure she would have been manipulative. DH was always the one that did for her.

You deal by setting boundaries for yourself. She will try to cross them, you just stand your ground. Now that Dementia set in, this will be hard. They are like toddlers. They want there own way. Have temper tantrums and manipulate. Don't argue with her, just walk away. She has a tantrum, walk away. She is your husbands mother, leave her with him and get out of the house. He should be her caretaker, not you.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder is on a spectrum. So, you can have a covert, and a malignant narcissist at the far end of the scale. You can have someone mid-range who is between the two. I find this one the hardest to deal with because the niceness comes with a price to pay. They have the attitude that I was nice to you, so you owe me followed by a demanding attitude of I'm going to make your life a living hell if you don't give me what I want right now! Sometimes they don't know what they want because they are so out of touch with themselves; so, they keep poking at you getting a kick out of your anxiety and watching you doing back flips to please them. My advice to anyone being treated like this is to just stop. This is an old miserable person who is not doing a thing to make their situation any better especially if they still have some measure of control over their mental faculties. Don't let drive you out of your mental health.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Anxietynacy Jul 13, 2024
Scampie, what a great analogy!
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There are also people that become 'Controllers' due to their anxiety.

I know one that instructs fellow diners where to sit in a restaurant. Stays polite, the request is at first a *suggestion* where others could sit, then a nice request, then an explation to why she is so special & needs to sit where she wants due to .. whatever. Until she gets her way.

Attempts to control the environment & everyone in it to soothe her own anxiety needs.

Then there are the 'Complainers'. Always looking to find fault. Eg a cup of tea is made for them but it's too.. whatever. Too hot. Too strong. Too milky. Or the cup is wrong.
I met one of these last week. Got the vibe so brought a tray with cup, teabag, sugar, milk, spoon. Smiled sweetly as I suggested she could make it 'Just as she preferred' 😁
Sill complained! Said/barked "Where is the biscuit!!"

Those folk are either very bored or depressed imho.

It takes much practice to not let these types get under your skin. Reducing contact is the easiest way.
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Reply to Beatty
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Anxietynacy Jul 13, 2024
Beatty, that's my mom. I always said she uses her anxiety to control people, especially me.
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It was easy, mine was a jerk and I chose not to have a relationship with her for 40 years. By the time she was in her 80s and gave herself COPD because she smoked cigarettes (because she was vain and didn't want to gain weight -- and she was supercritical of those who put on a few pounds and made sure they knew it), I made it clear I worked full time and wasn't going to do anything for her. I wasn't the solution to the problem.

My husband did it. Not me.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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I dealt with my lifelong manipulative , abusive narcissist of a mother my entire life . She chose me and groomed me to be her caregiver . I could write a book as many others here could as well .

I’m going to cut to the chase of what needs to be done , as told to me by my mother’s doctor when I was at the end of my rope.

The doctor said that my mother will never be nice to me , and that “ She needs to be taken care of by NON FAMILY . She needs to be in a facility where there is staff to take care of her because she will continue to try to boss around her daughter ( me)”.

You can never make these people happy .
Get your mother in law out of your house and into memory care .

BTW , I am a retired nurse . It is harder to take care of difficult family ( who expect you to be obedient to their demands ) than a stranger for sure . With strangers , you do your shift and can more easily not internalize stress over them , go home and let it go most days .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Srhmoore, narcissism, selfishness whatever you want to call it, does seem to get worse with age.

Aging sucks, it's painful, and you have one issue on top of another, and that seems to make an all ready selfish person more selfish.

She could very likely have some dementia going on also.

I would Google Teepa Snow, on YouTube . Even being a nurse, there may be some symptoms you have missed.

And get the book " Out of the Fog"
Fog - fear- obligation - guilt.

As for the always being nice, in the beginning of a relationship, oh that's a big, hell ya! A narcissist to people that are not close to them , always looks like the nicest guy.

Everyones experience is different, but I've been struggling with my mothers nastiness for years. She didn't believe me when I told her I had covid, accused me of making it up, so I didn't have to go over.

I was done, with it all, then a bit of a busy body friend of mine told my brother that I'm bailing, completely.
Everyones additude towards me has changed, exspecially my mom's. Makes me wonder , if she is being a fake nice, I honestly don't think so , this feels genuine. Time will tell.

So possibly a scare will change her. I'm curious what does your husband say is he on your side in all this?
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Surely you jest! Just about all of us on this forum have had the joy(not)of dealing with a narcissist in our lives.
There seems to be an abundance of them around. You are not alone.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Your question, has anyone else had to deal with a narssasist loved one?

The answer is YES. Many of us!
I think the biggest reason for caregivers burnout is because of a narcissist parent.

Burn out, end of your rope, nervous breakdown, I call it my cheese fell off my cracker. When I came on board, What ever you call it is why many are here.

So do you have other questions. The age of your mil? Her health issues?
Does she live with you?

We really need more info if you have other questions.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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srhmoore1 Jul 12, 2024
MIL is 90 and does live with us. It has been a very challenging experience to say the least. It took me a long time to figure out that someone who is “nice” in the beginning can be a narcissist. She will draw you in only to try and control you, only seeming to care about herself in the end. Even when she was able to care for herself mostly , she never wanted to give us our own space, or be alone, attempting to control everything . And even when I would give up time to stay with her when my husband would go on a trip, she never seemed appreciative. I would cook special meals and attempt to engage with her, only to be met with complaints and more controlling behavior. Since she has declined significantly over the past year, I wondered over the past year why I am so burned out by caring for her. I have worked in the healthcare field for over 10 years, and never experienced burnout on this level before while caring for someone. I did some research and feel she fits the description of a narcissist, maybe not an extreme case. Somewhere in the middle.
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