How to deal with anger as a caregiver?

There's a troll here... 'Dr Robert'
if you can... please report him...
I wonder if this site has been hacked?

I feel the sameway Very sad iam an angry But i love mom Over it

I agree that we need to make boundaries with our family, but beyond that, we have to get AWAY from the situation: or the anger gets worse. It's may be time to stop caring for your husband yourself, cuz I think your anger is from not having your own life! No reason to be ashamed of that.

Having been there for so very long, four times, I have learned I can tell you a zillion things to do to make yourself feel good from taking a walk to having your hair done, etc. But what I found worked the most, and I don't think too many will agree, is you TELL THE PATIENT IN VERY 'TOUGH' TERMS the behavior is unacceptable and will NOT BE TOLERATED. I am guessing they will look at you or get upset for the moment and nothing will change. BUT YOU WILL BE GETTING IT OFF YOUR CHEST.....AND AT THAT POINT Y O U ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON WHO NEEDS HELP, not the patient. DO NOT HOLD IT IN. It will destroy you. Don't do it.

I understand what you are going thru, Iam talking care of an 83 year old friend, I lived with him 20 years ago but now Iam his cargiver, it's not easy for me his mood changes alot and he gets angry easily and gets aggresive at times and everything bothers him, but you hold on and be strong, God is good, don't let the go of the hands of God, he will always be there to help you and guide in every way

I’m just trying and hoping my guilt won’t kill me after my mother passes. It’s been many years of practically nonstop, daily events of which I was the only one in our family doing it all. I don’t like the person it made me be at times and I can never take it back. It makes me feel badly and haunts me.

Dear Jakies- I have been a caregiver for my mom since 2006 (Parkinson's, blindness from Macular degeneration; SEVERE hearing loss, diabetes) prior to caring for my mom, I cared for my middle brother (2005) dying from lung cancer, after that caring for my sister who was hospitalized for 1 1/2 (2016-2017) year then dying in ICU on ventilator. Now my dad is 95 and has dementia and SEVERE hearing loss. I used to cuss, scream, cry, hide, plead with God to take me, talk with counselors (who always wanted to put me on anti-depressants) BUT the only thing that has helped me and saved me from who knows where or what I was headed for, was that my younger brother finally retired in 2017 (wouldn't help prior cause he said he had a job) and now helps me. THIS has been the only thing that helped me because I was used up, burnt-out, empty...... during all the time I have been caring for others; I had a hip implant in 2010 that left me paralyzed in my lower leg and foot (foot drop), bilateral mastectomy due to bilateral breast cancer in 2015, knee replacement in 2016 and rotator cuff repair in 2017. Also, I was still working full time and in the military reserves when I first started to care for my mom and brother. No one understands just how hard, saddening, maddening, destructive ...being a FULL TIME caregiver is until they walk a mile in your shoes. Do whatever you need to do to get someone to help-it will make all the difference. I will pray for you because you need it.

You are so fortunate to have the support of caring neighbors and family near by (I just read a previous post of yours)! For many of us there is only 'us' to figure out everything and many times there isn't enough time in a day.

I have not had an easy life. It was hard, it was sad and heartbreaking. So many difficulties but life goes on. I learned the hard way, far too late. When people have things happen and they are no longer the person that they once were whom you loved dearly and now what has happened is destroying YOU and you can't fix it, you must ask yourself: "Do I want to be destroyed? or "Do I want to live and have the life I need and deserve?" If it is the latter and you have given it your all, so you have no guilt later because you could not fix what could not be fixed, then you must get the guts to GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE - STARTING NOW! If that means placing them somewhere that they can receive the proper care, then find a way or hire someone so you are not constantly dealing with the things happening. If you don't do something, then be prepared to be miserable and start digging a hole for your coffin. This is not being cruel - it is having some sense, maybe for the first time in your life. Think of YOU - NOW.

Jakies: You're welcome.

I am in a situation with my husband where we are caring for my mom and my mil in our house. Mil is younger but has a load of ailments and she needs more constant attention, my mom is super old but can still cook and clean by herself (she does have problems walking). I am super angry since I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are in our 50s and we are putting our life on hold indefinitely for our moms. oI don't hate mil but she saps the life out of our family, especially my husband. If only I can see the light (as poster above mentioned) I would be able to deal without the anger.

Intense rage, erupting in an instant, I never knew I could feel this angry.

I react with internal ferocity against rediculous annoyances, with the same intensity as if it's something major.

A stranger who I feel is being disrespectful of me, rudeness of shop assistants, drivers, lack of common courtesy, I will challenge instances verbally. It's as if I am constantly full to the brim with anger that I am being walked over by family, and anything else added , just blows the lid.

Adrenaline with nowhere to go.

At last I have accepted the warnings of people around me that I must make changes.

I have applied for Extra Care housing for my Dad with early-ish Dementia and a lifelong bad attitude to others needs. Probably a couple of months wait but you know what??
The anger has gone.

You are angry, depressed, frustrated, lonely and desperate - my God, who would not be like that? You MUST start thinking of what is BEST FOR YOU. The behaviors and problems with your husband are going to kill you. You have been there for him but now it is time for YOU to live your life. No matter how hard or how difficult, I think you must place him somewhere before he destroys you. You have a right to live your life and not carry on with a non-ending burden. You must act now and not let more time go on. He has lived his life and now is declining and no longer normal but it is really affecting YOU. It is time for you to make some decisions and move on before it is too late.

When you start to feel angry it means that it is time to take a couple of deep breaths and take time for yourself. It means that you are depilated. (half empty) and you need to fill up your emotional well being.

I have been caring for mother for several years and living with her for ten. The thing that helps me is making sure I get time to myself, if it's just grocery shopping. Pick up a coffee or latte at Starbucks. We can't be very good for others, if we don't continue to make sure our needs are also met. It's so difficult without any in home help, I know. My mom qualified for services but they don't do any hands on work. I thought CNAs came in and did a bit of everything needed help with. I haven't found right person yet. Anyways, keep coming here for advice and to vent. We all understand!! Prayers and best of luck💖😇💗

Jakies: Good grief, no, I wasn't "Mary Poppins" when I had to leave my state & move in with my mother where she was living alone. But I found ways to get through it. You should do the same~find a way to get though it please, else you may fall ill. I may have lost my mind AFTER SIX YEARS!

I, too, am a spouse caring for my husband who has Alzheimer's. It's been almost six years as well. I have decided to have him move to assisted living facility. I am 78 and he is 83. I understand completely how you are feeling. I'm tired. I'm angry. I find myself exhibiting behaviors that I would not be doing two or three years ago. I'm depressed. I do have someone come in for a few hours a few times a week. That's fine. But for the other 21 hours of that day, it's still up to me. I have put off this decision for about a year. The guilt and reading the posts where spouses are saying they would never do that to their partner has caused the delay but I know now, that's their lives, this is mine. I'm hoping once he has adjusted in his new environment, I can be a spouse - a friend to him again.

If you can get someone to come in and “break” you for an hour or two a few times a week, that may help.
Ive read its very natural to have a variety of feelings that include anger, frustration, etc and then that’s followed by guilt. Get some help- maybe call your general practitioner and have him/her offer some suggestions. You are NOT abnormal or bad. You are normal.

Ive stayed w my father in law, in his home, for the past 5 years and it is hard. Please get some help from a Dr or a friend or a member of a church.

If you can get some respite time for you and include a massage! Go to lunch with a friend that has a listening ear. Yes as the other person stated Adult daycareis a great option for the 2 of you to have time apart. It"s hard my husband had brain surgery 18 years ago..he's hemipalegic.and my mom has vascular dementia from a stroke 10 years ago and i care for her....Hang in there.... Love and patience are the hardest virtues to learn

Six years is a long time to be 'on duty.' Would your finances allow either your husband or both of you to move to assisted living? Or, if money is a tighter, your burden would be lessened by having both of you move to independent living. At least it would be easier to care for him without having to take care of your home, too. And you would have the social interaction that is a wonderful salve for the type of pain you're feeling. It's very isolating to take care of a spouse who can no longer be a real companion to you in terms of intellectual engagement.
At the very least, adult day care would provide a 5 day a week respite for at least 5 or so hours a day so you can 're-charge' enough to face the caregiving.

Hi Jakies. I do understand your situation, not that easy. Maybe you need to make some physical exercice (jogging, any sports, etc.) to let your brain breathes. Also, maybe you should try some natural products that can help you to reduce your psychological pain and regulate your emotions and feelings. I could recommand you some products if you want.

Best wishes! Have a good evening.

Jakies, I so relate. I too have a litany of growing health issues and pain to contend with along with my increasing care manager demands.

In a book called Sabbath, which discusses cultural sabbath traditions, one line stuck in my mind to the effect that if you fail to take a ritual rest, illness will become your sabbath. I see from your earlier posts that has already proven itself true for you. Heed your lesson and do whatever it takes to get some free, unstructured, idle time and do with it as you wish, even if you just wish to sleep.

The mind-body connection is powerful and I notice that lots of the caregivers here and in my support group, including myself, now require medications to manage problems we didn't previously have or have conditions that have progressed under the constant stress. Cortisol, the hormone meant to sustain our fight/flight response, was never meant to be our body's chronic state of activation. Understanding this underlying situation can help you focus your efforts through any means to reduce it for some small interval of time.

You'll still have times of feeling angry because there will always be hardships, struggles, and things that feel unfair about life. You just try to find the counterweights wherever and whenever you can. Blessings.

I am finding caregiver fatigue is so difficult to deal with I also find myself being ANGRY at anyone for NO good reason I guess we just need a break I am going to try to hire outside help for my Auntie so at least 1x or 2x per week I get a break from bathing,her setting her hair, or putting on the pajamas ,the special socks the foot care, or even meal prep, it just seems as if it never ends my whole life revolves around the care of other people and it seems as if I'm never makeing her happy I understand shes in pain so that makes her crabby its just hard to always be the punching bag when I feel as if I have put my heart and soul into doing the utter most that I possably can to keep her comfortable and happy & its almost impossable at this point...so I find myself displaying displaced agression in other areas of my life... So I really got No answer except that I do understand I REALLY HONESTLY DO understand!!!!

I understand and empathize completely. I’ve been an only caregiver for my husband for five years. He has FTD. You get very frustrated with what they do or don’t do. I’m already on antidepressants but the anger still surfaces regularly. Two things helped. First a would-be 14 day respite where I ended up visiting him daily. Each day for ten days his bags were packed to come home and he cried when I left. The experience made me realize that I missed him and that neither of us was ready for him to go anywhere else yet. Second, someone in this group pointed out that it’s not your loved one you get angry at, it’s the blankety-blank disease. Now when I’m so mad that I feel like throwing something, I yell that I hate the disease. My husband doesn’t understand and usually laughs but it’s a good way to vent and send your anger where it belongs. I would feel so guilty for getting angry at him and I realized it was irrational. I still get angry —which I think is perfectly normal— but now I direct it at the proper target. Best wishes to you.

I may or may not say things that help you, but I do want to say how much I appreciate your post. My hearing-impaired husband is in early stages of cognitive decline — mild to moderate at this point. So I understand the dependence, the irritation of having to repeat things and/or shout - even in public places. And this despite him wearing a set of expensive hearing aids. So, yes, I get it! And I get the anger! And I send you my prayers and support.

Here is what I have done to cope so far. (1) I too had a meltdown during my annual physical and my lovely and understanding doctor prescribed an anti-depressant (Wellbutrin works well for me; not for everyone). It does take the edge off and brings my coping skills back to the surface where they are more readily available. (2) I am being very open with our grown children and with a couple of good friends about just how difficult it actually is. Just talking about it with them helps them know how important their emotional support is, and when they can give practical support as well, it’s a great bonus. (3) I have gone back to part time work doing something I absolutely love doing. What I earn pretty much cancels out what I pay for someone to stay with him as well as for some alternative treatments that are not paid for by insurance. The time away and the positive reinforcement of being out in the world is re-energizing. (4) I keep reminding myself that I’m not mad at him; I’m mad at this damnable disease. He is a sweetheart and does not deserve anger, but when stress is high and respite is low, I’m much more likely to adopt an angry or sarcastic or condescending tone of voice for which I am immediately ashamed - which, of course, then fuels my anger at myself and the rest of the world. So when I do catch myself before I do that and switch to a kind and loving tone of voice (whether I feel like it or not), I find it calms me as well as him. And when I shout, that loud angry voice just fans the flames of all the things I’m so sick and tired of with the disease. And I’m still in early stages, so who knows how long these approaches will keep working? I’m working on finding a support group, but at this point, he does not want to do that, as he is still in denial about many of his limitations.

One more thing - years ago when I was furious with the ex-husband I had just divorced, I found physically throwing or kicking or stomping things WAS very helpful as a cathartic. But instead of people, drivers, and dogs, I did things like getting a case of empty bottles, finding a metal dumpster (preferably one that would recycle the soon-to-be-broken glass), and throwing the bottles, one at a time, violently against the back wall of the dumpster. The sound of the shattering glass was somehow oddly soothing. (Weird, huh?). I also built thick walls of pillow that I would kick as hard as I could. Once I even hurled eggs into the bathtub, then washed the mess down the drain. Physical release of the anger in ways that don’t hurt someone else (or make a mess for me to later clean up, which would only make me more angry) has been very useful for me, especially in the early stages of realizing how angry I was — once it’s out of my body, I cope better. So maybe yoga, yes, but also maybe boxing or karate or kick-boxing - something where you can punch and kick and yell and be angry in a setting where anger is just part of the deal.

Okay, hope you have found something that encourages and supports you. And thank you all for not reporting me as some psycho. I really am quite harmless — but it is in large part because I accept the anger and have learned ways to keep it from hurting others. If I just shame myself for it, it makes it worse, not better. Hugs and best wishes, and please share the things that work for you as you go along. I may run out of available beer bottles and need some alternate strategies!

Frustrated with your life, knowing all the things you want to be doing and can't do. Yup, know those feelings. I was a caregiver for my husband for 4 years two months. Took a while, missed the things we always did together, so I started doing what we could do together. Got respite care after 3 and a half years of trying and on that day I would do all the things he couldn't do. Didn't like feeling angry about the situation. Don't get me wrong I loved my husband with all my heart, wanted him back to him. He had a massive stroke that left him handicapped on one side and trouble talking. I lost him to another stroke a month ago. My mind goes over these last few years together. I wish we had more time. The moments of frustration could have been better spent on the love in my heart for him. The anger shouldn't have taken from the years we had. I didn't have anger or frustration that often, but I sure wish I didn't have it at all. Focusing on our lives together and the years of love would have been a better way to have spent that time. Try to take that anger and tell yourself, If this was the last day with him, is it how you want to remember it? We can be gone in an instant and last days, last moments, last words said can leave a lasting mark.

I'm sure people want to be supportive by saying your anger is justified, but anger isn't a helpful emotion. It makes people tune out and want to get away from you when you express it towards them, which is usually the opposite of what the angry person is seeking. S/he wants to be heard, not tuned out.
You're very fortunate that you have helpful kids nearby. A lot of people here don't have that. When I saw you write that you get irritated with the little dog, who wants nothing more than to be with you, I thought this person is stuck in a mind rut and needs a change in her perspective.
I suggest that you do an online search for "anger management near me" and go to their meetings. It will provide a space to vent but in a way that they want to get beyond just venting. You could go to a therapist of some sort, but I"m not personally sold on the benefits of that. You'd have to have a really great therapist who can dig deep to get you to see the true source of your anger, and that could take months or years, when you need help now.
I'd also suggest being around other caregivers while they're caregiving. Take your husband to social gatherings for people in similar circumstances. Get out. Take the dog to the dog park. Look up local clubs on Facebook where your interests are shared.
The best remedy I found for when I feel resentment about what I"m going through has been to see what others are going through. Put yourself in others' places:
think about how you would want your husband to be right now if the roles were reversed.
Consider that the person ahead of you who is driving slow may be having car trouble, may be an elderly person who is afraid, may be looking for an address on a busy commercial street where the addresses are placed inconsistently, may be on the phone talking with a doctor about their elderly mother who is in the hospital.

I'm relatively new to this caregiving responsibility (entering month five of what I was told would be a two-week death watch). I had to uproot myself from my beachfront condo in Thailand and will return in January to close it out completely and move in with my Aunt full time. As well, I discovered a real low down thing she did, lying about and stealing a significant amount of money that SHOULD have come to me after her sister's passing. I have some real reasons to be angry, and for about three days I could hardly talk to her. Then I reached out to a friend who is also going through a similar situation, and her words ring true every day: "Be kind." I've also had to place near-absolute boundaries such as 7:30-8:30 a.m. is MY time to check correspondence and do yoga. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your husband. What I discovered to my surprise is the amount of resentment I have! I just keep thinking "Be kind," your husband didn't do anything on purpose to create this situation. And my Aunt is now bellowing for breakfast cuz it's 8:27 a.m., close enough for her to start her demands. "Be kind. Be kind." Good luck!!!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this.  Sounds like you have taken a lot of steps to help yourself, and are about to take more.  Therapy helped me to decide why I am caregiving, what my limits are, and what were my other options.  The anger is your warning flag. 

My brothers and I were concerned that Mum would die before dad did.  We wanted him in a Nursing Home, for HER sake.  Yes, we tried helping, but I had limits, like living 4 hours away, working full time, and I just could not change my own father's diaper! We all talked with her, and she agreed to the NH for him.  She then lived another 20 healthy years.

What are your other options?  With your health issues, YOU need more rest and care.

Anger is normal given the stressors you are experiencing...just try not to take it out on those who are not responsible for the situation which is called displacement (e.g....a man who is upset with his boss at work and comes home and kicks the dog). Obviously, you don’t want to add new problems on top of other problems. Find time to exercise...in whatever way you can (See “50 reasons to exercise” on www.smartassfitness.com as a nice reminder of all the amazing health and mental health benefits). Also, find a group of other caregivers or supportive friends with whom you can vent. If that’s not available, seek counseling for emotional support. This is not a situation you need to handle alone. Eat well and do little things YOU enjoy...listen to your favorite music, enjoy childlike pleasures, try to have some fun alone and with your husband too (adult coloring books or games that are fun, simple, etc.). Anger is often a surface emotion that has other feelings underlying it...like sadness, grief, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Think about the root of what you are feeling and journal if you are ok with writing. A nice acronym to help in identifying and addressing negative emotions is HALT...ask yourself “am I Hungry, Angry (which you are), Lonely, Tired?” and then problem solve one issue at a time. Targeting the real issue one step at a time is really critical. Hope this helps and I wish you well. [Just FYI... I had my 10 year old son play Connect 4 with my 98 year old grandmother, who has Alzheimer’s, yesterday and she had fun even if she didn’t win every time. Find ways to create some fun...to have a better balance]. Take care!