How to deal with false memories?

Yes, my Mother insists that her Father was a Greek Scholar in High School. He attended a small country High School with approximately 12 graduates and this would have been about 80 years ago. My sisters and I know it's totally false, but it does not good to even question.

When Hurricane Katrina hit our city, they had to evacuate all of the nursing home residents by bus.

My godmother thought the nursing home was taking everyone on a nice vacation! She said, “Oh, isn’t it wonderful that the home is taking us on a road trip!”

I was glad that she wasn’t afraid in the storm. She had Alzheimer’s disease.

My mom would tell me on my visits to her MC unit that she had picked up buckets of pecans the day before and would ask why I didn't come out to help her. She actually used to pick them up to crack/shell from several places including my back yard. I started gathering them and taking them to her before she was put in the MC just to keep her from walking all over the rough neighborhood where she lived.

She also complained about not being able to do things in "her home" since she owned it and all the property it sat on. She would be talking about the nursing home/care center where she lived. Seems she also had a block long and wide garden that reached the highway. She was an avid gardener before her health declined. She could grow anything and did.

One funny thing, at least to me, was her story about the truckers who went by her house (she lived off of a county rd and on a small side road that trucks didn't go down) and the turnips in her garden. She swore that someone wanted turnips so she planted a lot and the person didn't come get them so, she was going to teach them a lesson and not let them have any. Said she pulled all of them up and put them on street and all down it (2 1/2 blocks) and then told the truckers to drive over them so nobody could have any. I asked what she did with them after that and she said they were gone, run over. :)

We let her ramble about things she swore she did or owned knowing it wasn't true but, just her mind saying those things. She would talk and visit and then was ready for her naps and tell me bye. I miss our days but, she is in a much better place and wouldn't have made it thru the pandemic lockdown.

My mom would tell me on my visits to her MC unit that she had picked up buckets of pecans the day before and would ask why I didn't come out to help her. She actually did pick them up to crack/shell from several places including my back yard. I started gathering them and taking them to her before she was put in the MC just to keep her from walking all over the rough neighborhood where she lived.

She also complained about not being able to do things in "her home" since she owned it and all the property it sat on. She would be talking about the nursing home/care center where she lived. Seems she also had a block long and wide garden that reached the highway. She was an avid gardener before her health declined. She could grow anything and did.

One funny thing, at least to me, was her story about the truckers who went by her house (she lived off of a county rd and on a small side road that trucks didn't go down) and the turnips in her garden. She swore that someone wanted turnips so she planted a lot and the person didn't come get them so, she was going to teach them a lesson and not let them have any. Said she pulled all of them up and put them on street and all down it (2 1/2 blocks) and then told the truckers to drive over them so nobody could have any. I asked what she did with them after that and she said they were gone, run over. :)

We let her ramble about things she swore she did or owned knowing it wasn't true but, just her mind saying those things. She would talk and visit and then was ready for her naps and tell me bye. I miss our days but, she is in a much better place and wouldn't have made it thru the pandemic lockdown.

Imho, my late mother fabricated a story about my grandfather walking half way across The United States of America in search of employment during the 1930s with a dime in his shoe.

I would just go along with the story and enjoy the ride! Mom would tell me stories about things that happened to her, or she thought had happened. I knew they were fabrications but also that arguing with her was a waste of time. If it made her happy who was I to take that away? It wasn’t hurting anyone.

It is hard when family members "create" stories about life. Some can be quite funny - somebody, somewhere, sometime and something happened - and none of the details are correct. I usually don't intervene unless the storyteller seems to be dwelling on negative stories. Then, I tell the person (usually my grandma) that we need to forgive that person. I quickly move onto the last time we saw ______ and what happened and that is was a good time - anything to break the negative story from being repeated. My MIL does better with pictures of people that she knows. I created a scrapbook of pictures and events that we can refer to as the "authority." She says having the pictures helps.

My take on what they 'think' happened and what really happened is this: You can't fix the broken brain. Don't get yourself, or the patient, worked up or upset in trying to make them see reality. What they see, think, believe is their reality at the moment.

With that 1% that really gets you....
Leave the room.
Turn on the TV
Put in earbuds
Make a phone call.
You get the idea. You do anything to disengage from that conversation.
If you can't do that try laughing. I mean a real hearty belly laugh. Yeah it might be fake for a minute but it will stop the argument and probably get your loved one to stop what they are saying.
And you are right it is not important but "we" are so ingrained with "tell the truth" that even when we have to tell "therapeutic fibs" it is difficult to do so. So just try as best as you can to block out the stories.


Probably the Number 2 rule when caring for a loved one with dementia is...Never argue, you can never "win" an argument with a person that has dementia.
(number 1 rule for all caregivers is take care of yourself first)

When my mom would freak out over thinking she only had $400 left, I would convince her that it was actually a dream she was remembering and that the bank had not called and told her she had to move and get rid of her dog. She tended to remember the things she made up and repeat them over and over with exact details each time. But what actually happened was gone forever in seconds. She didn't usually falsely remember things about people and I can see how that would be disturbing. Now my mom doesn't have memories at all, true or false.

My MIL has 'memories' of the way things were, and are, and she is 100% in the wrong.

This isn't 'new' behavior. She has held herself up as a martyr for as long as my DH can remember. She doesn't listen to others, she just keeps the nasty narrative going and going and going.

I got kicked out of her house a year ago and it's been great. I haven't even SEEN her. About a month after I got the boot, DH didn't have a scapegoat to put in front of her and HE got the boot.

He lasted about 4 months before the guilt of leaving all the CG to his sweet sister...and he went back. MIL was as nasty as always--and he came home depressed and unhappy.

She has zero memories that are kind of him or his OB. All the memories are of them being just horrible and her 'frayed nerves'.

I printed out some articles for DH about narc moms and he read part of one and he said it was like a lightbulb going off in his head! 69 years old and he finally "gets" that his mom is toxic and awful---and unless you agree with her, you cannot be a part of her life.

Pretty much her basic paradigm is that she has suffered more than anyone else in the world. She truly believes this--how can you fight a 91 yo firmly held belief?

You don't. You visit if you want and when they get going, you say "I have to go" and leave. They'll probably never change, so don't even try.

My husband has now decided that he had to kill the chickens "for all the little old ladies from the church" and that is why he doesn't like to eat chicken.
Mind you, we had fried chicken at least once every two weeks before he got dementia. And, in almost 41 years of marriage this is the first time I've ever heard of him having to kill chickens.
This memory appeared after my sister and I were talking about my dad, who grew up during the depression. When there wasn't any meat for dinner, my grandma would kill a chicken, and they would eat chicken 4 or 5 times a week. Some how this became Gary's memory.

I'm dealing with the same situation, except my loved one keeps wanting to go to a place that doesn't exist. Long story, but it came about from a t.v show she watches. The details probably came from dreams she's had. Trying to prove to her it doesn't exist has been useless. Refuses to look at satellite photos of the area,ect..It's like her mind knows it's going to be proven wrong, and won't allow it. That seems to be a thing with alzheimers. She simply makes excuses as to why we can't find it. I take her for drives, so it isn't a problem driving to the area she thinks this place is in. It's been 7 times, and each time she swears she can find it. Other than her memory and this imaginary place, she's not that bad off. Nobody believes she is in her late 80's. She has always been extremely active. She can still cook for herself,shower alone,ect..I just have to make sure she doesn't leave the stove on..I don't have too much difficulty with her, although there are some bad moments..We argue..Most of the time i can "put my foot down" and she'll listen though..She understands she doesn't have a choice..The problem is the repetitiveness of her wanting to go to this place every day. If we stay at home there are days she won't mention it..But every time we are in the car, she wants to go "there". In addition to her bad memory and getting asked the same things over and over, it can be maddening. If you're only having to deal with made up gossip type stuff, you're lucky..Just try to let people know they have dementia if the lie is something really bad....Have to go. She just asked me where the mailbox key is for the 3rd time...or was it the 4th? I don't remember..lol

My grandma is re-writing history before my eyes. I agree, usually it’s fine and I roll with it. When it’s something negative about a family member or someone else I struggle. She does not have dementia (that I know) but has very poor memory and maybe some stress induced storytelling. When I start to get upset I have to remove myself.

The solution is avoiding the person. You won't change their mind and there is no way to stop it coming constantly out of the mouth. Simply remove yourself from the equation and tell them why.
Now if this is the case of dementia, then it is on you to acquire some understanding that these "stories" will continue. Make your visits very short.

There is no rhyme or reason when it comes to a Dementia. Their reality includes TV and Dreams. Like said, to them its not a lie, its their reality. You just have to go along with it. If she tells this "lie" to someone else you can always pull the person aside and tell them its the Dementia talking.

Do not argue with her. She has lost the ability to reason. She has lost the ability to have empathy. They become like a toddler, self-centered.

Ha! My mom used to say that my dad’s brother used to lie to keep in practice.

Some people have ‘colorful’ personalities.

My uncle was the opposite of my dad. My dad was very straight laced and responsible. He had a good reputation.

My dad and his brother had very different personalities.

My uncle was a lifelong bachelor. He loved to joke around but some of his jokes were at the expense of others.

I have a sense of humor but my uncle was a bit of a character who really worked on my parent’s nerves.

My mom wanted to slap my uncle at times.

People in the community, such as the neighborhood grocery store clerk would ask him why didn’t he ever marry.

He would reply, “Why do I have to marry when I have a sweet little sister in law?”

My mom felt like his comment made her look like she was fooling around with him and told him to never say that again.

My uncle would embellish everything!

Remember, they came from an era without television.

They sat on the porch and told stories to entertain each other.

Some got carried away and perhaps told the story so often that they believe their own BS.

Storytelling became a habit for them.

Our family would always question what my uncle would say. The inside joke was, fact or fiction?

I think many stories are harmless and one could consider it free entertainment! Other stories are far more uncomfortable or even hurtful.

My grandma does, it doesn't bother me to the slightest but it does to my mom (but everything about my grandma bothers her anyways). By experience, it is useless to try to argue with them, in a way it's childish to take that route with a person who has no clue what they're saying. Sometimes her false memories would include a little man, who was so little he could stand on the furniture and apparently leap to other places of the room. I actually enjoyed hearing her speak about this little man. It's a connection of past experiences in her life and of "Pulgarcito" the Latin American folklore main character (Tom Thumb in English). Most of what she spoke about would include dead relatives and Pulgarcito- things that never happened. When my grandma would talk about topics I was not comfortable with I would change the conversation to something else. Maybe you can do that, when your love one starts a false memory just change the conversation, speak to them about food, about the weather, turn on some music... start dancing -something to get their attention.

It depends. If your loved one is making up hurtful stories about another family member that are blatant lies, its not always so easy to remind yourself about "broken brains" or to smile and slice a piece of pie. Being human and listening to ugliness (like I do with my demented mother) gets to be too much after a while so I either leave her presence or get off the phone (she lives in Memory Care). All I ever hear is negativity, stories, accusations or complaints while I do my very best to make sure she's happy when all she is is bitter. We shouldn't allow ourselves to take a beating, either, because they are suffering from dementia, so decide how much is enough and then leave the room (or whatever) as need be.

They can't help having dementia and confabulation, and we get to decide how much of it we're willing to tolerate in a sitting before we leave the scene so we don't blow a fuse. #Honesty

Dementia is a very difficult thing to deal with, for everyone involved, so we all need to figure out our own ground rules for dealing with it the best we can.

Good luck!

Just let it go no matter how much it annoys you. This isn't your loved one speaking, it's the disease.

Here's my story (and I've shared it before here on the forum) --

My dad and mom were married for 66 years and apart only a handful of nights in that time. When my dad died in 2018 after a very short illness, my mother was already suffering from dementia, and I think it just broke her brain the rest of the way. After just a couple of months, it was as though my dad never existed.

We moved Mom to a nursing home right after Dad's death, and within those two months, Mom's high school boyfriend had come back into her life. He was visiting frequently, eventually proposed, and they got married on Valentine's Day. (Apparently I was the maid of honor!)

Mind you, this boyfriend moved away from their town in 1944, and my mother never saw him again, and he died in 2009, but according to Mom, he was her new husband, and there was no arguing about it.

She was so convincing with her story that she told a visitor (a man who knew my dad but didn't really know her) that she was now remarried, and he trotted back to the editor of the local Rotary Club newsletter to tell him the news of my mom's happy marriage a mere four months after the death of the love of her life.

Yep, it went into the monthly newsletter and word of Mom's "marriage" was all over town in hours. That was a fun fire I had to put out, and of course, there were plenty of Rotarians who already knew my mom's condition and were horrified, but they weren't able to quash the story before I found out about it.

No harm, no foul when it all came down to it. The editor was mortified that he didn't confirm the story, the club president was also horrified, but I just asked that they take it off their website and we'd call it good. They did, so we're good.

That was two years ago, and the Invisible Husband is still in the picture every day. Mom's caregivers at her nursing home even credited him with making the Covid lockdown easier for Mom than for many other residents, because he's never left her alone. We always ask after "Dan, Dan the Invisible Man" when we visit Mom, and oddly, he's never around when we come over. (Understandable, since among his other activities, he works for NASA -- at 93 years old.)

My brother even said once that maybe we should track down his kids someday and tell them what their dad did for our mom, but that's just too weird. :-)

Google confabulation. This is her truth. The brain is not functioning properly and memories often get mixed up n ways that just are not real.

You cannot reason or explain to anyone with dementia. You need to learn to let it go, go along with stories and redirect, change the subject. Get out a snack, always a great diversion.

Suppress that one percent, hard as it may be to do so.

Assuming Alzh/Dementia you're not going to convince them of anything.

If they claim to have seen a dinosaur walk by, just roll with it and ask what kind :)