I did not realize how ill my husband was. He is in the hospital with terrible pneumonia. He had an operation a few months ago and he is in great distress. I am prostrated with guilt.
Go ahead and feel guilty… but then get over it and focus on your husbands health and and yours as well. Guilt is natural but unhealthy. Also try to figure out how to get your man unstressed. You’ll both benefit. love and light
He is getting treated now. Focus on that. Many illnesses can have very subtle - often unable to notice - signs and symptoms. Pneumonia can be one of those diseases.
It can be overwhelming when someone you love is sick and you don't know it. I had a similar situation with caring for my mother. She had constant UTI's and I didn't know it in the beginning. I felt very guilty when I got angry and thought she was just being lazy. I feel terrible for that. You have to realize you are NOT a medical professional and are not trained to look for signs of illness. you have to forgive yourself otherwise it will eat you up inside. Just know you are not alone and it really isn't your fault.
It's so hard to know what is going on inside a person's body.
I'm my mom's POA for healthcare (and finance). I hired a full-time caregiver for her who's been great. She's been working with my mom for nearly 2 years. I live in a different state than my mom, but go out and visit her every six mos. to check on her, the condition of her home, and just to visit.
My mom is 88 and has stroke-induced dementia and expressive aphasia. I just visited her, recently. She seemed OK, normal, in fact. About half way back to my home, I get a call in the middle of the night from the caregiver saying she called 911 because my mom said she had trouble breathing. Long story short, it turned out she had an undiagnosed UTI, which she seems susceptible to getting. BOTH the caregiver and I had no idea that she had an infection. There was no outward sign, she wasn't complaining of anything, but a sore back, which we already had taken her to the doctor and he diagnosed it as arthritis.
I mean, how on earth can we can we know? We are not trained experts. I get really stressed when I think of how uncomfortable she might have been and for how long? Did the back pain have anything to do with the UTI?
If your husband didn't guess he might have pneumonia, why should you have done? I take it you didn't actively discourage him from seeking medical advice, or tell him to pull himself together and stop being such a wimp?
As for regretting that you didn't realize what was happening, you just have to look on it as experience gained. Next time - God forbid there is one - you'll be onto it quick as lightning.
My great aunt told me she had "legs like a rugby player's." I thought she was just being self-deprecating. Why didn't I ask to have a look - ?! I still kick myself all round the room about it every six months or so, but not as hard as I'd like to kick her useless GP.
It is not uncommon to miss the signs of illness, for a number of reasons, including some folks are good at 'adapting' to not feeling so great. I believe it's a primitive survival mechanism not unlike how wild animals and even our domestic pets will 'soldier on' to not feel vulnerable. And, with Covid complicating the picture re respiratory distress, an infection can be lurking for awhile. Get support for yourself, trust your husband is now in good hands, and focus on healing for both of you.
When my mom was in declining health her own longtime doctor marveled how well she 'hid' her debility; again, it's an adaptation but can work against those who don't 'let on.' I am trying very hard here to not comment how so often our 'menfolk' avoid letting on, or dealing with, how they feel poorly; so, be glad he's now in care. Beating yourself up is not helpful for either of you; speak to a counselor or social worker who will help you get past the guilt.
Santa, your post made me laugh, my DH is one that never complains. I told the doctor that she should be concerned if he does, because he is one of those, oh, it's nothing serious, just a severed limb, kinda guys. She has found this to be true and just shakes her head and treats what ails him.
I think we are blessed to have her. She actually provides really great care and gives him alternative options to western medicine, you know, just throw a pill at it. I believe this is because she is a great physician and knows he needs simple solutions or orders won't be followed :-)
Just a suggestion: Instead of obsessing on sad things that have already happened, why not get some tourist pamphlets and plan a vacation with your husband? Having something to look forward to is often a great antidote to sadness and frustration.
This looks like a good place to start: https://www.facebook.com/ricksteves/
Do not overwhelm yourself with guilt. This is so much more common than anyone knows. If you’re a Christian, pray! Turn all this over to God. If not, I would encourage you to seek support from friends and loved ones. I (along with my brother and a family friend) are the caregivers for my almost 85 year old father with Alzheimer’s. I live in constant fear we will miss something and fear is not of God. “Fear not, for I am with you…” but when you do and there’s a bad outcome, you beat yourself up over it. Talk with someone you’re comfortable with. You’ve got him help and I pray everything is okay.
When I was in my early 20s, I got terrible sick, went to my doctor, he gave me antibiotics and cough syrup. 10 days later, not only am I not better, I am worse. Back to the doctor and another round of medication. 10 days later, I decide I need to see a different doctor because I am not getting any better. I go to an urgent clinic, different antibiotics and some cough syrup, no improvement, at this point I am thinking I am dying and there is no help, 15 days later I see my dad and he freaks out at how sick I am and that it has been weeks, so he takes me to his doctor, same results as above.
I finally walked into a medical building, asked to please see a doctor right away and they put me in a room. 5 minutes later the doctor walks in and says, "I could hear you from the hallway young lady, you have pneumonia. We need to do an x-ray to see what's going on."
Yep, 6 weeks and 3 different doctors misdiagnosed pneumonia. Thanks to their incompetence I have scare tissue in my left lung and it is only the amazing grace of God that I didn't die.
So, you shouldn't beat yourself up that you missed what doctors often miss. You caught it in time for treatment and not a funeral, be thankful for that.
Deedee, there is no reason for you to have any guilt! Your husband had a serious operation a few months ago and developed pneumonia. That's very, very common. And sneaky. And easily missed.
Guilt is a waste of energy. And anyone caring for a sick loved one needs all the energy they can muster!
So pack up that guilt and throw it away! It's a useless burden.
Knowledge is power, and power is much more useful than guilt. So prepare for when DH comes back home. Ask lots of questions, and write the answers down. (Nobody listens or remembers well under stress.) Follow after care instructions carefully. Try to arrange a friend or neighbor to visit weekly, even just a 10 minute drop in. They may notice a gradual change that you don't see clearly because of your constant care. Ask your husband to mention anything he may be experiencing.
Then hold your head high, pat yourself on the back, and kick that nasty old guilt into a corner!
Just. Don't. ❤. I guess we "should" have realized my dad's "just a cold" was COVID--this was September 2020--but even after we got him to the ER, the doc told us it wasn't COVID--until she called us, "You're not going to believe this..." (He died a few hours later.) We all do our best. ❤
I was at work on a Sunday I think it was... Felt a bit cold at lunch, bit tired by dinner. Went to bed early, feeling a tiny bit achy. Monday morning came: gasping for breath, high temp, rapid heart rate, had to write a note for DH "Take me to a Doctor now!"
I asked a nurse friend about doctors (plural!!) missing signs of a surgical complication. She replied, “that’s why they call it practicing [as opposed to carrying out] medicine.”
You are holding yourself amateur self to a higher standard than the medical community holds its doctors.
But it must be painful to watch your husband suffer and deal with the fear of pneumonia. I hope you can replace the blaming with thoughts of good energy.
So sorry this is happening, but you should only feel guilty if you somehow on purpose gave him pneumonia, which I don't think is possible. I know that you know it is not rational to feel as you do, but please accept that it isn't your fault. I've known several friends who were suddenly hospitalized with pneumonia, when they had seemed just barely sick with a cold, but then became very ill.
Oh, DeeDee, I am so sorry. Here you were all these years believing you were perfect, and now you have to face that you aren't. But let me tell you that you ALSO aren't a felon who purposely missed things, and you aren't a killer. You are not an MD. You are missing easily 12 years of training for that. What you are experiencing now is not guilt so much as grief. Grief that you didn't know, are human, have limitations, and missed something. You are terrified and you are grieving. But you aren't a felon and an evil doer, because if you WERE you would not give a fig about ANY of this. I am so sorry. I hope things will come right. But as a nurse I can tell you there isn't one alive who didn't make a mistake, and that's after her training, and she also knows each MD in her hospital and knows HIS or HER mistakes as well. We are not Gods. If you were God your hubby never would have fallen ill. My best to you and I hope for his healing.
As others have said, pneumonia can come on suddenly, not just in the aftermath of a cold or other illness. Several years ago my husband ran a fairly high fever out of the blue, ith nothing preceding it. And, his Parkinson's symptoms got much worse--this all happened withn a matter of hours. Went to urgent care the next morning, and sure enough--xray showed pnuemonia. He wasn't coughing, no symptoms other than those you get with a fever, and he said he really didn't feel too bad. I had pneumonia in a similar fashion when I was in my early 50s--high fever out of nowhere. I don't think I've ever felt so bad, before or since. In both my husband's and my case the doctors told us that coughing is not necessarily an early symptom and that it often comes a bit later, and indeed it did, for both of us. The coughing can be a sign the congestion is breaking up (not much fun though). Don't feel bad about not spotting your husband's pneumonia as it can be sneaky. Wishing you both well, and a speedy recovery for your husband.
Even doctors are not allowed to diagnose and treat their family members.
Pneumonia is a funny disease. I had it 27 years ago this June. I was 29 years old. My energy levels were very low, I was going through an incredibly stressful situation, I even went to my doctor, but he did not find anything amiss. 2 days later I was coughing so hard I vomited. A trip to ER, They doctors did not do a chest x-ray, they would tell with a stethoscope that my lungs were full of fluid. IV antibiotics, Ventolin and oxygen were administered in the hospital and I went home with an RX for more antibiotics and Ventolin.
Coughed so hard that I tore my rib muscles. Had to sleep propped up. Could not walk up 8 steps without the Ventolin or I was gasping for breath. It took me 3 months to fully recover.
Did I blame the doctor for not sending me for a chest x-ray? No, it was not needed according the the symptoms I was displaying.
My elderly Dad had pneumonia a year ago, it was touch and go, but he survived. His first symptom was feeling weak.
Please don't feel guilty as you are only human and not a medical professional, and even they often miss things right in front of their faces as well. My husband was making a slight choking noise after he would eat back in Nov. 2018, but when I would ask him if he was ok, he would say that he was, so I didn't think much about it until it continued for several more days and I decided to call 911 to have him taken to the ER to have him checked out. I was told that he had aspiration pneumonia and the longer we were there, the worse he got and when his blood pressure dropped to like 48/26 the nurse told me to get my family there immediately as he wasn't going to make it through the night. Well very long story short, he did survive, but developed sepsis and septic shock, and ended up coming home completely bedridden and under hospice care where he remained until his death in Sept. 2020. We all do the very best we can do, and that has to be good enough. You've done nothing wrong, so no reason for guilt. I believe instead what you are feeling is grief, which is a whole different animal all together. So allow yourself time to grieve as it sounds like you've been through a lot with your husband. When we have a loved one who goes through many health crisis' we tend to grieve(it's called anticipatory grief)all along the way, until they either get better or the Good Lord decides to take them Home, so please be kind to yourself and quit beating yourself up. You are just human like the rest of us. God bless you.
My mother developed pneumonia at least once in the NH. None of us family members noticed anything different. So you shouldn't beat yourself up over this.
Did he say anything to you? Was he in discomfort that you could see? Pneumonia can come on suddenly it is not like it can take a couple of days to get to the point that you would notice something was wrong.
love and light
I'm my mom's POA for healthcare (and finance). I hired a full-time caregiver for her who's been great. She's been working with my mom for nearly 2 years. I live in a different state than my mom, but go out and visit her every six mos. to check on her, the condition of her home, and just to visit.
My mom is 88 and has stroke-induced dementia and expressive aphasia. I just visited her, recently. She seemed OK, normal, in fact. About half way back to my home, I get a call in the middle of the night from the caregiver saying she called 911 because my mom said she had trouble breathing. Long story short, it turned out she had an undiagnosed UTI, which she seems susceptible to getting. BOTH the caregiver and I had no idea that she had an infection. There was no outward sign, she wasn't complaining of anything, but a sore back, which we already had taken her to the doctor and he diagnosed it as arthritis.
I mean, how on earth can we can we know? We are not trained experts. I get really stressed when I think of how uncomfortable she might have been and for how long? Did the back pain have anything to do with the UTI?
As for regretting that you didn't realize what was happening, you just have to look on it as experience gained. Next time - God forbid there is one - you'll be onto it quick as lightning.
My great aunt told me she had "legs like a rugby player's." I thought she was just being self-deprecating. Why didn't I ask to have a look - ?! I still kick myself all round the room about it every six months or so, but not as hard as I'd like to kick her useless GP.
When my mom was in declining health her own longtime doctor marveled how well she 'hid' her debility; again, it's an adaptation but can work against those who don't 'let on.' I am trying very hard here to not comment how so often our 'menfolk' avoid letting on, or dealing with, how they feel poorly; so, be glad he's now in care. Beating yourself up is not helpful for either of you; speak to a counselor or social worker who will help you get past the guilt.
I think we are blessed to have her. She actually provides really great care and gives him alternative options to western medicine, you know, just throw a pill at it. I believe this is because she is a great physician and knows he needs simple solutions or orders won't be followed :-)
This looks like a good place to start: https://www.facebook.com/ricksteves/
Hope you find inspiration!
I (along with my brother and a family friend) are the caregivers for my almost 85 year old father with Alzheimer’s. I live in constant fear we will miss something and fear is not of God. “Fear not, for I am with you…” but when you do and there’s a bad outcome, you beat yourself up over it. Talk with someone you’re comfortable with. You’ve got him help and I pray everything is okay.
I finally walked into a medical building, asked to please see a doctor right away and they put me in a room. 5 minutes later the doctor walks in and says, "I could hear you from the hallway young lady, you have pneumonia. We need to do an x-ray to see what's going on."
Yep, 6 weeks and 3 different doctors misdiagnosed pneumonia. Thanks to their incompetence I have scare tissue in my left lung and it is only the amazing grace of God that I didn't die.
So, you shouldn't beat yourself up that you missed what doctors often miss. You caught it in time for treatment and not a funeral, be thankful for that.
I was not her hands on caregiver, and she’s been given the very best care possible, but my guilt is all too real.
My head knows what it should think, but my heart is devastated that I couldn’t do more.
You are among friends here.
Guilt is a waste of energy. And anyone caring for a sick loved one needs all the energy they can muster!
So pack up that guilt and throw it away! It's a useless burden.
Knowledge is power, and power is much more useful than guilt. So prepare for when DH comes back home. Ask lots of questions, and write the answers down. (Nobody listens or remembers well under stress.) Follow after care instructions carefully. Try to arrange a friend or neighbor to visit weekly, even just a 10 minute drop in. They may notice a gradual change that you don't see clearly because of your constant care. Ask your husband to mention anything he may be experiencing.
Then hold your head high, pat yourself on the back, and kick that nasty old guilt into a corner!
Best of luck to you both.
Deedee, wishing your DH a speedy recovery.
You are holding yourself amateur self to a higher standard than the medical community holds its doctors.
But it must be painful to watch your husband suffer and deal with the fear of pneumonia. I hope you can replace the blaming with thoughts of good energy.
You are not an MD. You are missing easily 12 years of training for that.
What you are experiencing now is not guilt so much as grief. Grief that you didn't know, are human, have limitations, and missed something. You are terrified and you are grieving. But you aren't a felon and an evil doer, because if you WERE you would not give a fig about ANY of this.
I am so sorry. I hope things will come right. But as a nurse I can tell you there isn't one alive who didn't make a mistake, and that's after her training, and she also knows each MD in her hospital and knows HIS or HER mistakes as well.
We are not Gods. If you were God your hubby never would have fallen ill.
My best to you and I hope for his healing.
Pneumonia is a funny disease. I had it 27 years ago this June. I was 29 years old. My energy levels were very low, I was going through an incredibly stressful situation, I even went to my doctor, but he did not find anything amiss. 2 days later I was coughing so hard I vomited. A trip to ER, They doctors did not do a chest x-ray, they would tell with a stethoscope that my lungs were full of fluid. IV antibiotics, Ventolin and oxygen were administered in the hospital and I went home with an RX for more antibiotics and Ventolin.
Coughed so hard that I tore my rib muscles. Had to sleep propped up. Could not walk up 8 steps without the Ventolin or I was gasping for breath. It took me 3 months to fully recover.
Did I blame the doctor for not sending me for a chest x-ray? No, it was not needed according the the symptoms I was displaying.
My elderly Dad had pneumonia a year ago, it was touch and go, but he survived. His first symptom was feeling weak.
My husband was making a slight choking noise after he would eat back in Nov. 2018, but when I would ask him if he was ok, he would say that he was, so I didn't think much about it until it continued for several more days and I decided to call 911 to have him taken to the ER to have him checked out.
I was told that he had aspiration pneumonia and the longer we were there, the worse he got and when his blood pressure dropped to like 48/26 the nurse told me to get my family there immediately as he wasn't going to make it through the night.
Well very long story short, he did survive, but developed sepsis and septic shock, and ended up coming home completely bedridden and under hospice care where he remained until his death in Sept. 2020.
We all do the very best we can do, and that has to be good enough. You've done nothing wrong, so no reason for guilt. I believe instead what you are feeling is grief, which is a whole different animal all together.
So allow yourself time to grieve as it sounds like you've been through a lot with your husband. When we have a loved one who goes through many health crisis' we tend to grieve(it's called anticipatory grief)all along the way, until they either get better or the Good Lord decides to take them Home, so please be kind to yourself and quit beating yourself up.
You are just human like the rest of us.
God bless you.
My mother developed pneumonia at least once in the NH. None of us family members noticed anything different. So you shouldn't beat yourself up over this.
I suspect perhaps you are feeling grief stricken.
Was he in discomfort that you could see?
Pneumonia can come on suddenly it is not like it can take a couple of days to get to the point that you would notice something was wrong.