I have been looking after my 92 year old narcissistic mother w/Alzheimer's for the last 18 years all on my own since my two older narcissistic sisters stopped speaking to me & my mother. After 5 years of no contact with them, even though she tried, she decided to leave me everything in her estate, which isn't huge by the way, because she knew that I was the only one she could rely on. My mother had been treating me quite well during these years (big change) because I was all she had, except of course for the demented paranoia and craziness here and there. 12 years after changing her will and making me POA and Medical Representative and also being so concerned that my sisters would come after me to contest the will after she died, my two oldest sisters came back into my mother's life without any notice or explanation/acknowledgment of their absence. My mother didn't even know who they were at first. They had no interest in speaking with me or having a relationship or reconciling but they continued to come and see my mother. For the first few months my mother was very confused, upset and couldn't sleep after their visits. I would have to console her and go through the pain of the past again with her. About 6 months after their return, I had to move my mother into an Independent Living Facility because she was burning food and was a danger to her neighbors and herself & also forgetting to eat. My mother agreed to this initially but of course with the dementia she kept forgetting and going back on her word to do this. I eventually got her into the facility and she has a lovely one-bedroom suite on ground level with a garden. She loves the staff and has no complaints but continues to harass, threaten and accuse me because I moved her there. To make a long story short, even though I communicated with my sisters about what was going on with our mother, they continue to ignore me and came to visit her constantly at the facility, buttering her up and paying a lot of attention to her which my mother loved and of course deserved after many years of neglect. Because of her narcissistic personality, this is all she cares about....that she's getting wined and dined and paid attention to, but she resents me. My mother was declared incompetent from her doctor this summer but that didn't stop my sisters from getting my mother to revoke my POA and Medical Representative and make them both her new POAs and Representatives. My lawyer advised me to move the money from the joint account that I shared with my mother to protect it from them, which I hesitantly did. Now I'm getting threatened by my sister's lawyer to return the money and she's making all sorts of demands about what I did with the rest of my mother's belongings when I moved her out of the condo and who I'm renting it to (to subsidize my mother's rent at the facility). They did not help me move my mother, set up her new place or help me clean her condo out and get it ready for renting. My mother has put me as joint tenancy on the condo. I am feeling disrespected and hurt by all their actions including my mother's, although I know she's vulnerable, but I find it ironic that this is happening even before she died. My main focus in my life for the last 15 years has been my mother's well-being. I am in my '60s and I'm still working full-time to pay off my mortgage. My mother has written 2 letters to me that I can take her savings in our joint account to pay off my mortgage but I never did, & still haven't, because I always wonder if she may need it for emergencies. I have wanted to move out of the area to get cheaper housing and retire but I never did because my mother loved living in her condo and she needed me near her. My mother doesn't remember that they haven't been around for 15 years & I don't remind her of it. When someone has lost their rationale & logic, it's futile. I'm just feeling very discarded, but I am now trying to look after myself & not stress. Any advice?
Keep your job, separate your income and take care of your affairs first and foremost. Your mother should be second in your life. Since she is a narcissist with dementia layered in the mix, you can limit visits or not go at all. I don't believe that children who were abused by a parent should not be caretaking them at all. Believe me, in these situations, when someone steps out, someone else will fill in the spot.
I know this is hard to take coming from me, but trust me, I've been there three times. First with my mom. I went through these false promises of a home which was nothing more than a manipulative ploy by both of my parents to keep in the home paying bills for them and not saving for myself. This was all a set up for me to take care my younger sister after my mother died. I got all types of criticism from my sister and brother. They never bothered to fact check anything and believed the lies my sister was spewing. Once they badgered the he)) out of me, they backed off, and I didn't hear from them until about seven or eight years later. I did move out of the family home after I had my younger sister placed in a group home. The entire process took about three years. I was blessed with a full time job that paid enough for me to pay rent and handle my expenses. My sister became a ward of the state and was assigned an attorney. She was well taken care of by the state. I had her enrolled in a day program before her placement so that she could relearn all of her skills such as feeding herself, toileting and generally having a life. There was a positive spin to all of this.
Don't look at the negative side of things. Get some relief for yourself. I must admit that all of the naysayers in my situation had it much better than me. I'm still struggling to get back up on my feet after the death of my husband and job loss during the pandemic. The job search has been a challenge because no one wants to hire a woman my age. As for my family, both parents are deceased. My younger sister died in 2015, and my husband died in 2016.
Don't let false guilt keep you from enjoying life. From what you've written here, you've done your part, so now it is time for you to move on with your life.
Your siblings are here to pillage mom's account and leave her with nothing. Then they'll split and leave you with the aftermath.
It sounds like you've been a great daughter taking care of your mom the best you can under the circumstances. You've been a good steward of her funds and making sure she is cared for with her own money. The nastiness happens sometimes. Many of us have had to deal with that.
There's two choices, really. Resign from being her POA and let the sisters have at it. Don't take any responsibility for anything, and if they spend all her money and mom gets kicked out, that'll be their problem to deal with.
Other choice: Stay POA, keep doing what you're doing, and use that lawyer if/when you need to.
If your mother was already judged incompetent at the time she did new legal papers they will not stand.
Were it me I would not have undertaken the care of your mother without a paid care contract. As you did so, it is too late for the water that flooded under that bridge.
Were it me now, I would move on.
You will have to make your own choices for your own life. I can only wish you good luck.
If your mother has an official diagnosis from a doctor stating that she is mentally incompetent with dementia and all this was done in advance of your sisters coming back into the picture, give all of this documentation to your lawyer and he will know what to do with it.
He will petition the probate court for a hearing before the judge about the change in the POA. This hearing will decide whether or not arguments can be made to challenge the validity of your POA which was done before your mother's dementia. Most of the time the judge says no and the original POA goes back into effect. You have handled her financial matters and medical decisions for 12 years with honesty and acting in her best interests. This is always considered in probate court when absent family (even if it's their parent) come crawling out of the woodwork like roaches looking for a payday or to secure a future one through inheritance.
Your mother is mentally incompetent and this has been documented. So this means she can't just change legal paperwork like her POA because her kids that she hasn't heard from in 15 years are paying her some attention.
Don't worry about the condo. If you have it legally on a deed that you co-own it and this was done years before she was declared incompetent, your sisters can't touch your share. Don't let their lawyer intimidate you into giving him information that's none of his business and don't turn one cent of the money over. Let your lawyer take it into court if he needs to.