How to get my husband to see it's his parent in need of care not mine?

the thing about trying to discuss it is that you imply that it’s up for discussion, that there’s room for debate, that it’s somehow not about his mother. the truth is that he already knows all of this and doesn’t want to deal with it. And you let him get away with it.

in your shoes I would have pointed out that each of you could then take care of your own mothers, and by the way here’s a list of what HE needs to do for HIS mother.

then take yourself off on a nice vacation.

Sounds like you need to take a vacation out of state so they can all see how dependent on you they’ve become…so not fair to you!

#2 Action.
Give the whole family your quit date. Either some tasks, many tasks, or all. (Advise you are returning to work if you like).

If home is what MIL wants, she will need to replace you.
It's that simple.
She may also need a Geriatric Care Manager to co-ordinate all her services if she cannot do so herself. (Unless a family member volunteers).
Her needs may already exceed what can be done in a home setting. A needs assessment should help with the choices.

It comes down to Choice A) home services, meal delivery, cleaning, bath aide - lots of staff.

Or choice B) move into accommodation with supports eg Assisted Living

No, you are not wrong for feeling this way.

However, I think the real issue is that you want something out of your husband (whether it is kudos, or more respect for what you are doing or...) and he is dealing with it as "you don't want to take care of my mother" or "I don't want to have to deal with this right now."

What your husband may not understand is that even though you might tolerate this same state with your own Mother, there is also the possibility that you would NOT tolerate this situation with own Mother. It is easy for you to say to yourself "I would do this for my mother," however, the reality is, unless you are knee deep into the crap, you really don't know what your reaction will be at that time.

He is using the "guilt trip" tactic for continuing the status quo and it needs to stop for the health of your marriage.

I would suggest you seek couple's therapy. Somehow, you need to get your needs and concerns understood, he needs to expose his expectations of you with regards to the care of his Mother, and both of you need to come up with a plan for the future (plus agreement on the milestones) for MIL. Eventually, her dementia might be too much for you to take on and at that point, plan B might have to be implemented and you and he need to be in agreement as to when plan B is to be implemented.

The snowball.

As MIL loses more & more independence - her dependence on you grows.
Like a snowball rolling downhill.. unstoppable. Growing bigger & bigger.

#1 Plain talk. To both MIL & your DH. That this plan no longer works - a new plan is needed. A plan that suits YOU as well.
If you are not getting though to them, consider involving a third party. A church/faith leader can be a very good person to sit down with & discuss everyone's needs & views.

MIL may have lack of insight about her needs (many/most with Alz do). Expect this. Your husband may in denial about his Mother's diagnosis & prognosis. He may need to read up on Alzheimer's Disease.

It is progressive.
He cannot stop it.
He cannot cure it.

His expectations that you do everything for his Mother is unrealistic. Ask him WHY he wants you to run yourself into the ground, trying to keep his dependant Mother in her home.

Often you get an answer like "I don't know what else to do" or "But Mom wants to stay home". Whatever his answer, it can be discussed. Like rational & respectful adults.

If he continues to not hear you, refuse to discuss or insist you be his Mother's servant, marriage counselling may be needed.

Does he really want to risk losing his marriage because he was so unwilling to accept the reality of his Mother's condition?

You are not being supportive that she is "his mother" that you are caring for. He expected that together you would be a team to handle this. If you are feeling overwhelmed - and this is probably the problem - start talking with him about which tasks are becoming too difficult for you. Ask him to consider other helpers to take on some of the load.

momsthing: Your MIL may require managed care facility living since she is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. Perchance can you get your job back especially since at 51 years of age, you WERE in your prime earning years and building your retirement? Ideally, that would be good if you can get it back and you had a little over three decades of employment. Her children would rather have her stay at home is rich to say the least.

Well, so you gave up your career to become a servant. I have no words. Your husband is only working 4 days a week? Sounds like he has plenty of time to care for his mother. However, since you willingly gave up your job, he thinks this is your new, unpaid position to be the MIL's caretaker.

This is his mother and there is another child, if they want to be responsible for the well-being of their mother they can be or she needs to be placed.

There is a combo problem here, you do not want to let people in her home to care for her, and, are not forcing the issue to her children. You are part of the problem, not the solution.

Of course, she doesn't want to go into AL, most all feel that way, they would rather inconvenience others, pretend that they are capable of being independent while someone like you does everything for them.

You do understand that she can live for another 20 years? My mother is 98, are you willing to give up your senior years for her? You are only 6 months into this caretaker thing and are already burned out.

Might be time to put your foot down, let her daughter take her in, sell the house, or arrange for her to go to AL as it is clear to me that your husband is not going to do the day to day caring of her.

Your husband doesn't have to understand, it is your life, your choices. It is not your problem that he does not have the backbone to stand up to his mother.

Time out!!!! Set up a family meeting with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can evaluate, medicate and discuss responsibilities. If it's not a "team effort," then I would vote to place Mom immediately and would make a reservation at Miraval: https://www.miravalresorts.com

You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell Hubby that indentured slavery ended centuries ago and no wedding ring can make you a nurse/care taker.

While you're vacationing, he can take mom camping in the wilderness.

The only thing you control here is YOUR behavior and actions.

How was the decision to quit your job arrived at? Were you ready to retire and you thought you'd enjoy taking on MIL'S care?

Why did you agree to give up your job?

Can you get it back?

Alzheimers only gets worse, never better. And there's a lot to learn for people who are caregivers for people with Alzheimers. She could go through many different stages. It is possible that she will decline to the point where she needs 24/7 care and might also need to be fed, toileted, and dressed. You and your husband need to have a plan for the long haul. It's possible that she could decline to the point where her care is too much for you to do alone. Talk about placing her in a memory care/nursing home facility. There are good facilities. In a facility she will have professional staff who know how to handle clients with Alzheimers. They would take care of all of her daily needs (meals, dressing, making sure she's getting her medications on schedule, cleaning, laundry, activities, etc.) If your husband agrees to this, try to find a facility close to you so that you and your husband can visit her often and oversee her care. You might still need to take her to doctor visits (or facilities often have a list of aides who can be hired to take her to the doctor). The other option is to hire in-home aides for her who can do most of the work (cook and feed her, laundry, take her to doctors, etc.), and you would oversee them. If you get in-home aides for her, lock up all of her valuables and financial papers and have all of her financial statements sent to your address (or go paperless). Get a credit card on your MIL's account with your name on it. Also hire people to do the cleaning, gardening, etc. Good luck with talking to your husband. I'd skip the part about her being "his mother." You are doing this for him, and because she is your family member by marriage and you want her to be well cared for. Just let him know that her care is getting to be too much for you and you need assistance. I'm assuming that all of your MIL's paperwork is in order. She needs to have set up Powers of Attorney for medical and financial matters, have a will and a living will with her advance medical directives. I'm assuming your husband is her POA. If she doesn't have these papers, and is still capable of signing legal documents, do it right away.

It never ceases to amaze me that DILs are expected to care for spouse’s ailing parents. I’d never do that. I’d help temporarily, but I’d never agree to be the caregiver.

It is his mother and if he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and place her in a facility, then he needs to do all or at least most of the care giving. If he can't, then he forfeits the right to make the call. The personal things like bathing can be hired out, but everything else is his responsibility.

No, you are not wrong for feeling this way. He thinks he is being a good son and doing a good deed, but he isn't....you are. Tell him no.

Flip it and say how the hell would you feel if I told you to take care of my father and not complain about it. You will need to bathe him, take him to the doctor, give meds, file taxes, make bank runs, help him dress, etc. I promise you he wouldn't do it. Do not feel guilty. Tell him as his wife, you will help him shop for assisted living or memory care...whichever she needs.

You and all the rest of the family have backed you into a corner:
1) She doesn’t want to ‘be put in a home’, or even choose one for herself.
2) Family would ‘rather her stay at home’, particularly the daughter who lives interstate so can’t help her if she stays at home.
3) You and family are ‘very iffy on anyone coming in to her home to help’, so no home help is acceptable.
4) DH has a ‘flexible timetable’ (Doesn’t know when he would be working?), and anyway doesn’t want to help. (Women’s work? That’s why you gave up work?).

You are the only option left. Something has to change, and most women’s experience is that it won’t be DH. Pushing DH to help will be a perpetual argument that could ruin your marriage. Saying that you would do it for your own mother makes things worse - and most posters would say that you can have no idea in advance just how difficult 'your own mother' might be.

You can make things change by going away on holiday for a couple of weeks, or being so ill that you can’t get out of bed, or getting another job. Did you prefer working to caring for MIL? Was your wage less than the cost of AL, and they all want the big inheritance? Can you get another job? Preferably 4 days a week with flexible hours? There is no shame in saying that things haven't worked out as expected, and giving up work was the wrong choice.

Create a crisis and don’t solve it. Someone else can work it out.

@momsthing, anytime someone says ¨I quit my to be able to care for her..." - I will be honest and say - that is almost always a red flag. ESPECIALLY if it is followed by ¨my husband works 4 days a week and has a really flexible schedule.¨ - and you are talking about HIS mom. Did you WANT to quit your job and that was just the catalyst? Or did you quit your job BECAUSE she needed more care than you had time to manage and work at the same time?

Additionally - She said she does not want to be put in a home. And her children would rather she stay at home. Well yeah....of course she wants to stay in her home. Who doesn´t? But as I told my SIL just today. If everyone that wanted to stay in their home actually did...there would be no need for Skilled Nursing Facilities and Assisted Living Facilities. Because NO ONE would ever need them.

Then there is the part about her children preferring that she stay in her home. OF COURSE THEY DO. They have you to ensure that her needs are met and they do not have to lift a finger (DH) or move (Daughter) to ensure that mom is taken care of. You are their solution for everything. They get to keep mom in her home, which is what they all want, but no one has to be put out in order to accomplish the goal...

Oh wait.....

As a DIL who is helping my DH, SIL and her DH (my BIL) take are of my FIL, I can tell you that there have been times that I have had to take a step back and get out of my own way because I am often the problem. I make myself the solution way too often in certain scenarios when I should just keep out of it entirely. Specifically I have become the nominated spokesperson because I am the most outspoken of the group, and FIL was very abusive to DH and SIL when they were children, and if I am honest still is today, and I tend to be pretty strongwilled and protective of both of them, so I have become the default crusader for all things that need to be done when an argument is on the horizon. As a result this also makes me the default bad guy. DH has just recently come out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and is extremely upset that I have been put in this position and has been blocking me at every opportunity because it is second nature now to insert myself in these conversations, and he is starting to take control which I am very thankful for.

I say all of that to say this, if you are always the solution, they are not going to find another one. Your DH could have stepped in to help his mother and didn´t. Instead, you quit your job and took on the responsibility of caring for his mother. And make no mistake, this is just the beginning.

You need to sit him down and tell him that the free caregiver ride is over, that you need him and his sister to make some decisions about their mother. If he gets angry and defensive it is because he knows you are right. This is not your responsibility to solution, it is his. And he gets angry because you are calling him out on not handling it. Tell him that he needs to begin sharing the responsibility of driving her to appointments. Start with the days he has off, you do not take her to any appointments she has. That is on him. Schedule her trips to the store on his days off. Put this back on him. If he has to shoulder the responsibility he will be more quick to find a permanent solution.

But no, you are not wrong for feeling this way. What would he do if you did have to step in right now and help you mom and you dropped what you do today for his mom to do so? What would his solution be then?

I am hoping she isn't living in your home, and that you have no intention of bringing her into your home. I think that would spell disaster for you and for your marriage.
That said, what you do now you do of your OWN CHOICE, so stop doing it, stop enabling it, and if she needs more care she should consider placement.
That is the harsh truth of it. And I feel the same about YOUR parents.
As to whom I would be willing to care for the most? It would be the one I loved the most, be they his or your own parents.
Your doing this care, and hating it, and arguing with husband about it, is doing NO ONE any favor, I am thinking.

"I quit my job after 31 yrs last August to be able to care fo her more, since I traveled with my job. My husband works 4 days a week and really has a flexible schedule, if needed. She does live alone in a home that is way to big and too much for her to care for.
I've contacted a couple of homes here in our area to look at, she has said she does not want to be put in a home. Her children (a daughter that doesn't live in state) would rather her stay at home and our both very iffy on anyone coming in to her home to help."

So YOU quit your to help with HIS mother? And HE works 4 days/week and has a flexible schedule? So H and his sister want to keep Mommy happy because she does not want to be "put in a home"? The current situation suits all of them just fine, doesn't it? YOU are the help.

You need to go back to work and let H deal with Mommy. If you aren't there to be the caregiving slave, what would he do?

Time to place MIL. Sell her house and place her in a nice Memory care. By the time she runs out of money, she will probably be ready for Long-term care then Medicaid can be applied for.

As she worsens you may not be able to care for her. Actually if she is in own home with no one there 24/7 she should not be alone. And, you do not want her living with you since DH doesn't feel she is his responsibility.

How old is MIL because if over 75 there are some doctors I would drop. My Moms PCP had her coming every 2 months for B/P and Cholesterol. State only requires 6 months between visits for new prescriptions, so unless sick between those 6 months Mom didn't go. Another Dr had been watching a thickness in her upper stomach. When it got no worse, I went to a year for visitation. If she is going to Specialists, once she is stable can go to a year or even see if PCP can take over. If she gets worse again, you go back to the specialist. As long as these Drs can bill Medicare they will. I have gone with my Mom only to have the doctor say "Everything looks good on the labs, see u in 6 months". Couldn't have called me and told me that instead me driving someone suffering from Dementia 30 minutes up an interstate? And her urinologist that wanted to still do a bladder scope 5 years after her cancer had gone away, and she was 85, dropped him. I just set up my internal and yearly physical with my PCP for the first time. (GYN retired) I was told they no longer did internals on woman over 65. Ok by me. I did not put my Mom thru that or Mammograms after she was diagnosed with Dementia. If she got cancer we would have done nothing about it.

Shopping, when my Mom could not drive anymore, I took her shopping once a week. We also ran errands that day. There was no, I forgot something. If I had what she needed I ran it over when I could. If what she needed was not an emergency, it got done when I could get to it.

Not sure how you can deal with DH. Our culture believe that woman are the Caregivers. Children are one thing but caring for an adult that has no idea what is going on anymore is another. The only way ur DH will understand what u go thru is for him to do it.

OP, it would help if you complete your profile to give us more idea of ages, other relations in the mix, and work responsibilities. You could be 40 with 3 children living at home, or 60s with a husband who has retired. Your MIL could be living alone or…… So this is just a guess:

Your MIL isn’t living independently in her own home. It’s fake independence because you make it work for her. Without you, she would need to move somewhere with appropriate care for her living requirements. For example, in Assisted Living:

1) She doesn’t need to go to the store for shopping. It’s done for her. You take her every few weeks as an outing, that’s all.
2) She uses the facility’s doctor.
3) She doesn’t need assistance to pay bills for the house, or to organise repairs and maintenance. Her finances are very much simplified.
4) The facility cooks, cleans and does the washing.

I’m not suggesting that it’s just a breeze when an elder moves to AL, but it takes a lot of weight off your shoulders. It would be good to find AL places near you, and take MIL to visit the attractive ones. They often accept visitors for lunch, and a guided tour. Get her interested. The same for DH. If she has a house to sell, she should have funds to pay for AL.

It’s not about what you should do compared with what DH should do, or about what you should do for a MIL compared with your own mother. It’s about too many jobs for you to be able to live your own life, and fake independence for MIL. You need another option in the mix.

If it was your mother would he take over the full responsibility? I doubt it since he doesn't care for his own mother, he is using you.

I've seen this over and over again here, men put wives into the servitude role.

To me, this is wrong and I wouldn't stand for it, but that is me.

Take a two week vacation, perhaps?

I would tell him, let's hope I would do better for her then you are for your mom.

Then I would ask him if he plans on stepping up for your mom, since you are stepping up for his mom.

Tell him I said, he is a jerk for dumping his mom on you and then getting ugly because it's too much for you. Grown some backbone fella and act like a man. Sheesh!