How to get my mother out of her room?

Pre pandemic most AL's allowed guests in the dining room, if you are able to eat with her there during your visits in might be a way to get her used to going to the dining room.

This is not your job. This is the AL's job.

Your mom is allowed to refuse to socialize. You may need to let her be.

Tell her there will be a $5 charge to her room per meal that she's having delivered to her room from now on. That's $15 per day or $450 per month added to the already inflated AL bill. If she's anything like my mother, that will get her butt moving to the dining room in a New York minute.

In the meantime, I'd have a chat with the ED of her AL and ask them what their policy is on delivering meals to the residents' rooms. In my mother's place, they really DO charge $5 per meal after a certain # of meals for room service. I think they get around 5 meals a month free or something like that, then there's a charge. The CGs have a lot better things to do than schlepping meals around to residents' rooms! My mother's place strongly discourages holing up in one's room, and in Memory Care now, there can be NO meals at all eaten in one's room unless the resident is ill.

Ask the ED to help you out here by coming up with a plan to get your mother OUT of her room and interacting with the other residents. Otherwise, I'd do as you said and refuse to visit her until she agrees to cooperate. The activities director used to come knock on my mother's door to urge her to come to social events every single time she didn't show up, too..........what's YOUR AD doing about your mom hiding out in her room all day? Find out!!

Good luck!

Your profile says your mother has dementia, incontinence, hearing and vision problems. I’d try to keep in mind that with memory issues a person has trouble remembering names, following conversations, etc. She may be embarrassed to let new people realize this. Plus, she may not be able to understand them very well. I could tell it bothered my LO when she was in AL. She didn’t fit in with those who were not impaired that way. It was just too much for her. Plus, the noise, the bustle, it overwhelmed her. She preferred a quieter, peaceful setting. Once she arrived in Memory Care, she did fine. There, the dining room was small and no one expected anything from her. She fit in better there.

Eventually, she may like a roommate. Even if you have a roommate, they may not be in the room much. Once in MC, my LO spent most of her time wheeling around, sitting in tv room, etc, She did like most of her roommates quite a bit. As she progresses, her reaction might surprise you.

I wouldn’t stop visiting though. Just reassure her she’s fine and support her with her choices. Often, people with dementia know things aren’t right in their mind and they need that support from someone they trust. I’d keep in mind what you tell her may be forgotten each day, so each time it’s like the first time she’s heard it.

@cwillie: Guests are not allowed in the dining room during the pandemic. In past years I have eaten in the dining room with her and her gal pals, and yes, that can be effective.

@BarbBrooklyn: She's never been a joiner, I certainly don't expect her to start now. I just want her to get out of her room, moving around a bit, and meeting some of the other residents.

@lealonnie1: I've mentioned that. The threat of running out of money doesn't seem to faze her. I'm not sure if that's a good (happy go lucky) or a bad thing (can't figure it out). She's never been financially savvy. I thank my father for teaching me how to handle my finances.

@SunnyGirl: You know what? You are absolutely right. I'm sure that she is embarrassed. She has days where she can't see out of her new glasses. We just got estimates for hearing aids (O.M.G. are they expensive!! But I will pay for them out of my own money if she just stops saying "what?"). She definitely needs a bunch of dental work. She wants implants ($$$$$$); I want new dentures ($$$$). So we have some work to do so we can meet in the middle.

Why would she want to make friends when she already has one - namely, you?
All you have really done is change her accommodation (pretty expensive motel...). These places should already have activity coordinators that bring residents together to develop familiarity and ultimately friendships (consolidated in the dining room as each comes to rely on the other). Your visits, although supportive and well intentioned, may be inadvertently breaking down this natural process.

As per your request... Therapy for you:-

Never think for one second that people with dementia lack intelligence. Many years of life experience, combined with the willingness of their children to be readily exploited, can be a potent mix of guilt and manipulation - hey, you might even be thinking all of this is what you chose to do!

Stop enabling your mother. Treat her gently and with respect, but understand that beneath that frail exterior, there lies a veritable factory of scheming and plotting to get their own way.
Do you consider yourself indispensable? Your mother may only see you as a resource in her present condition. Pass on the baton of responsibility as you have facilitated, and enjoy her company in moderation - for your own rehabilitation/transition to living a normal life.

When we’re trying to help a loved adjust to a major life change, 2 months can seem like a very long time. But for someone in your mother’s situation, it isn’t much time at all. It was a good 6 months before my LO began to relax and enjoy her life in memory care.

You don’t have to stop visiting altogether unless you want to, but cut back to short visits every other day or so.

Absolutely true that she has to accept those who are helping her where she lives.

Her roommate, when she arrives, may temporarily change the dynamic she’s established for herself, but YOU should not be paying for her anyway, and a roommate’s activity may be helpful to her.

If you’ve chosen a nice place for her, and her helpers seem kind and interested in her, back up a little and let them become part of her life.

Your solution sounds good to me - it took my mother 6 moths to stop moaning and the whole pandemic period to actually appreciate what she had if she was talking to us (needless to say it was much quicker if she was talking to visitors). She has choices leave her to make them, and make short visits that do not discuss the facility just talk about general things.

Your details of your mother are exactly the same with my mother. It’s been since Jan 1, 2020
she won’t eat in dining room. She complains about the food 7 days a week that is delivered to her. It falls on deaf ears (more choices in DR)
she tells me she has gained weight because of the food. She has actually gained 50 pounds since the lockdown. She’s very in active lifestyle. Won’t leave her room. Won’t socialize. Thinks everybody’s old and she’s young. Treats the staff badly. Treats me badly. Demands I bring her food.
but she is a hoarder and will not throw out takeout containers to go that are delivered to her. They sit on her table covered in mold. She yells at me and staff if we trying to throw them out. She spent one night overnight in the hospital and I cleared out and scrubbed and cleaned the apartment.
but otherwise I can’t get in there to clear out. I’m so afraid she will be thrown out for her bad living. She is very lazy. She throws trash in the floor rather than the trash barrel. It’s so gross!
hard to walk away from it because I want it clean for her and other residents.

ugh!
I am at a loss really.

Complaints about food is a common complaint in AL.

I know the AL mom was in still won't let anyone visit outside the resident's apartment. But if your mom's allow it "take her out to lunch" in her own dining room.

Try and accompany your mom (if possible) to attend some activity.

Other than that have the staff work with her to get her out of her room. Maybe you need to not visit as often and leave her to her own devices and the staffs'.

Where mom was they'd bring meals to the room only when the resident was ill otherwise there was an additional charge.

Sometimes it takes time to adjust - let the staff do the heavy lifting here and stay more in the background. If mom is suffering depression or anxiety have her see her doc - maybe with some meds to take the edge off - or therapy she may "come out of her shell/room."

BTW, Mom just moved from the old AL where everything was still pretty much locked down to a new IL facility - that was wide open - however with the rise of pandemic again visitors have to sign in get temp check. Her food is not the institutional food served at the old AL facility but actual food - she's only complained about one of the meals. She was originally in AL because dad needed the additional care, but after he died I tried to get her to move closer - she's now 3 mins away as opposed to 30 minutes.

Good luck with mom.

Who is paying for AL? I hope it’s her, not you! Tell her how much it costs, and that part of the fee is for the activities. If she won’t use them, it’s a waste of money. What other option would she like to try – and living with you is NOT one of them. And yes, don’t visit unless she is ready to talk to you what she has been doing. Tell her it’s too boring and depressing to bother at present! Tough love?

I made the decision to visit mom 3 days per week. Sundays I take her to church and then my apartment for lunch, Tuesday is a car drive and Hot Fudge Sundae, and Friday 2 hrs in her AL. This gave mom 4 days to adjust and make friends. She is 87 and always was a home body. At 70 I told her I need a life and time for friends. She finally started meals in the dining room and attends all activities!! You must not give in to manipulation. My therapist taught me I am responsible for mom to have a roof over her head, good healthcare and safety. I am NOT responsible to keep her happy. That is HER job..Tough to watch but it worked! Good luck..ps; as a retired Nutrition clinical staff member of AL and nursing homes..unhappy residents use food complaints to get family to come look at meals and to bring in food. Rarely, if ever , is food an issue…it is the only safe thing to complain about!! I ignored moms food complaints and bring some fresh fruit gifts..she now also eats well.

Is it possible for you to have a meal with her in the dining room?
Tell her.."mom we are going to go have dinner. (or lunch) Get yourself ready"
I am sure she will expect you to take her to the car but instead walk her to the dining room.
Just like a child's first day in a new school she may be nervous about meeting new people, new places. She may be afraid she will not know what to do.
Is it even possible that she is afraid she will get lost in the building? Not know her way to the dining room, back to her room? If she has spent 2 months in her room she probably has not "explored" much of the building at this point and may not know her way around. (some of this I could blame on the staff for not doing something more to welcome a new resident.)

I do have to add that if she has always been this way then it is futile to expect her to change what can change is your expectation that it will or should change and realize it is not your job to make her happy nor to entertain her.

Just like you, I am an only child, married with kids and a full-time job and my mother’s everything. My mom lives in AL, is 90 years old and doesn’t participate in the activities at all. She does eat in the dining room because the food is much better there. When it comes up to the apartment it is cold.
My suggestion would be to have a meeting with the Director of Nursing and ask that she be escorted to the dining room for two meals a day. She can have one delivered. My next suggestion would be to get her a clock which is designed for seniors which has the date, time, and temp on it. Next to that write in big letters/numbers on a piece of paper what times she needs to go for meals. This helps. It might be a bit overwhelming for her and she doesn’t want to be embarrassed. If she has dental issues that needs to be addressed with the Director as well. They will steer her to meals that she can easily chew and swallow. I pick up my mom (she meets me in the lobby) and take her to my house for dinner. She comes for a few hours and I drive her back to her place. She lives 3 minutes away. Try this a few times a week and make her wait in the lobby (say you hit some traffic, got stuck at work) and she will meet people waiting for you to arrive and swing by and pick her up. I got my mom a weekly bridge game as I was loading her walker in my trunk. Just chatted up a couple and now she plays bridge on Monday afternoons. I wrote that down in big letters next to the clock too!
Best wishes!

May I suggest, if your mom is feeling well with no problems, why not take her and join her in the AL dining room with you. You could perhaps start a conversation with one or two of the residents and maybe your mom will join in. However, I would caution you to ask the resident(s) you sit next to if it is ok for the two of you to join them at the table. Residents in AL and NH are usually territorial and do not like if you take “their” seat. You could also eat and taste some of food with your Mom. Bring along her favorite dessert and surprise her; maybe a little extra for her table friends as well. Once the ice is broken maybe some friendships will start.

first YOU are not responsible for paying her bills out of YOUR money. It has to come from her money, so if she qualifies for medicaid, then she will have to get used to sharing a room. most places I think have a dividing curtain so if she doesn't want to see the other person, she can or they will pull the curtain part way. My mother had to be in nursing home for rehab in 2018 and was in a room with a lady that mom eventually got her to talk to mom. but mom would never go down to eat in the main lunch area, she said she was fine eating alone. I even encouraged her to go play bingo but she said no. Now she is back in nursing home due to major health issues that cannot be handled at home. She still eats in her room, but she does go down to play bingo and attend the church service they have in there (which i am glad). So if your mom don't want to go out and eat in the main area with the others, not much you can do. And just let her know that you can't help it if she doesn't like the food. Maybe tell a little white lie and let her know that you won't be able to come in for a week due to having a cold, or whatever and don't want to spread any germs. Tell her to take part in some activities so you have something to talk about when you call her. Not much else you can do other than not going in for about a week or two and just let her know that you had other things come up (problem with car, being sick, etc, phone not working)........wishing you luck.

If she is being properly taken care of, I wouldn't worry about her socialization. Let het stay in her room if that's her choice, but don't feel you need to take up all the slack or serve as her constant entertainment or social connection. If she chooses to be by herself, leave her by herself.

You shouldn't stop visiting.

She is in a place she doesn't want to be and no one would.

You might ask her now if she would like a Roommate.

You should visit her at meal times and go with her to the Dinning Room to eat and after a few times she may feel comfortable to go by herself.

Doesn't hurt to treat her out to lunch once a week either.

The only thing I can think of is coming up with some ideas of things your mom enjoyed/her interests or thing likes to do - and find a way to implement that into her meeting others. Depending on restrictions at her place - find something you think would peak her interest and you actually provide the activity for a larger group?
Does you mom like coffee time (dunkin doughnuts or favorite local cookies from a bakery) along with crosswords/puzzles/crafting/painting - get a box of Joe - doughnuts or cookies and a few games/crafts/puzzles/reading book club etc and say hey let’s go down to the main room on Saturday and we will bring in some treats and have a bit of a social (maybe her place offers an outdoor space) or even ask one of the activity directors if you brought an idea in and dropped it off if they would set it up for you and get it started if ur not allowed to participate due to covid restrictions). I have no idea how many people are in moms place but if you think of something that mom had as a hobby asking to have a sign up sheet fir the first 10/20 people and you drop off an activity or a pizza party/with moms favorite movie - or outdoor game with ice tea and treats etc.
Something that is a hobby to her and she enjoys and having her offer it as an hour social and u provide a few things for it? I know all places are different as to size - restrictions but if she likes to crochet - or garden - or paint - create something out of her interests that she might find others with the same?

My Mom was in a NH for 5 years on Medicaid with a roommate - twice. Mom was so laid back and became best friends with the first one for over 2 years. They started going to activities together, and meal room.
The second one had dementia problems causing her anger and violent acts against my mom. She liked her anyway and did still things together, while being punched in the arm, and having her possessions stolen. (that's where we got involved).
She hated the NH but loved to be around people.
We pay FICA and other taxes our whole lives in the unexpected times we need them. It's hard visiting your mom in a NH being drugged into submission each day, especially when it's time to leave - with that look in her eyes.
Learn to live your life, and explain what your doing to your mom. But do not neglect her at the same time. There is a happy median, find it.

My Mom also self isolates. She is pleasant and compliant with the staff but just will not take advantage of any activities or interaction. Yes, extremely maddening especially when she complains she is bored. She lies in bed all day even though she remains capable of getting out and about the facility. Early on the family was advised to not visit when she first moved in, in order to acclimate her to her new living situation and integration. Which we did based on their knowledge but her behavior never changed. But I have been told that part of dementia is to retreat to the bed because it feels safe and comfortable. Also it can be difficult in the new environment because of the lack of ability to intake the new stimuli and environment and knowing exactly what to do, where to go, and unfamiliar faces and who to trust because all are strangers.

Professional advice may be helpful in balancing whether to “enable” by visiting or take a break while being attentive by phone, etc. It is difficult to know where the lines are. Is her mind still good enough that bargaining will work? You go to cafe today and we’ll go out tomorrow, but not if you stay in your room? That generation can be more compliant if doctor’s orders are given (for example - group exercise class) - worth a shot - but from what you describe this route likely won’t work either.

Good luck - with you in solidarity amidst this frustrating situation!

My mother hasn't been out of her room in 18 months the staff has tried to get her to go to meals and activities nothing has worked. Before Covid I would have lunch there to get her out of room. She hated every single minute. When the ALF lets families eat in the dining room we will try again.
My father is her enabler. He brings their meals back to their rooms. I used to get so upset with this situation but now I realize it is the ALF job to get her out and about.
So it just is what it is.

You may have to let go o what you know would be best for her and let her make the decision for herself. However that doesn’t mean enabling her by doing the things she “expects” from you when she wants them. You have taken care of her actual needs and safety by finding her this living situation, retreading and complaining may be what she needs to do to adjust.

One idea that came to mind is how about “taking her out to lunch” in the dining room, do they allow families to join residents in the dining room? Maybe doing that with her a couple of times would help her through he fear of the unknown? Also you could either spontaneously on your terms take her out to lunch so she isn’t controlling it but she knows it does happen or better yet schedule a day or two a week that you have a lunch date so she can look forward to and count on it giving less room for asking you to do it all the time. Your answer that way can be “we have a date to do that on Thursday remember”?

I do not know your mother but she has some valid points here. I live in assisted living and I have to tell you the food is awful. Thank god I have the means to get groceries into my refrigerator and there are many times I prepare my own meals in my room so I get decent meals from time to time. And I drive so I can go out to eat - I am the only one out of 100+ people who does this. And most all of these people have dementia, don't talk, do not do anything except sleep, eat, watch t.v. They don't interact with one another and it is terribly lonely. If your mother is in this situation, she will want to stay in her room and she is most likely happier there. As to you and depending on you, give her books, television (like Netflix), and other things to interest her. And DO take her to lunch which she will love - at least she'll get a decent meal.

Same issues with my mom who has been there 10 months. She refuses to make friends. Says nobody likes her. Says she is "not allowed" to sit at a table with other people. Mom has her own rules, and always has.

She told me the other day that my one brother visits maybe twice a month. She says it is because he feels obligated to visit, yet she never says anything about the other brother who has only seen her once in the 10 months she has been there. So I'm wondering if mom feels my brother visits only out of obligation, is that how she feels about me? I visit at least once a week. I try to straighten up for her, but that is met with I guess you would say "disdain." She says I am the only person who does that.

Mom still has "fresh" flowers from when she moved in, as well as a planter that has been there for ten months. She won't let me remove them, or even water the plant. She touches the dirt and says it's still damp.

She complains when people visit. Or, she may not even know who the person was who visited her for over an hour. She has told me that my niece and her husband are dingbats. Lately, she says that about a lot of people.

I don't really care to eat in the dining room with mom. She can't hear, and even though I write a lot of things, I don't want other people to know what we are talking about. It is a privacy thing. Her facility says they are charging $5.00 for every meal they eat in their room. So far, I have not seen a charge on her bill. I know she only eats two meals in the dining room a day.

Oh, and you can't force them to participate. Moving your mom to a facility is a big change for her. I can only imagine how she feels about that. I know mom has a lot of depression over the move yet she realizes she can't go home. If mom has ever participated in a crafty thing, a staff member usually helps her. Not sure if mom comprehends what is to be done, or she just doesn't care about doing it at all. You have to look at the different things your mom did when she was at home. Was she social, or was she a loner (other than you being her best friend?).

I've asked the doctor to see if they could get a psychiatrist to speak with mom. Perhaps he/she can find a way to motivate her.

I stayed away from my mom for about a month because of the way she treated me. Of course, she has/had no clue at all what she did to hurt me, or that it was wrong.

Mom really wants to go out to eat as well, but personally I am afraid to take her. I am afraid of her falling on my watch.

It is not your job to entertain her.

Good luck to you. I for one appreciate this forum.

See if you can partake of meals with her in the dining room. It might be worth the extra cost for a week or 2 to help her over this hurdle.

Don't worry. Your mom will die sooner rather than later and you'll be off the hook. You don't realize how HORRIBLE it is among old people. They act like high schoolers, with bullies, nasties, and idiot verbalizations and insults. Often the staff don't know how to stop the bickering and abuses that take place among the INMATES. It is SCARY to go to the dining room. For me, I don't even fit into their chairs. I am GLAD I went from there into an over 55 apartment. I can do many things by myself, but need help like folding laundry and putting it away. I can order food from Instacart, and some states and cities have FREE food for seniors. How much is your mom able to do independently? If she can do ANYTHING by herself, no matter how small, it is best to move her to a senior apartment. Why is she in there? What is her condition? By the way , NO ONE makes up having diarrhea. As you get older, you lose control of your bowels. And, with irritable bowel syndrome, it comes on without notice. Often, by the time I KNOW I have to poop, it is all over the floor. It is also a part of neuropathy. I even cancel doctor appointments when I think I might have diarrhea on the way there. It sounds as if you are BURNED OUT taking care of her. Realize it is NOT her fault. It is YOU. You are RESENTING needing to care for your mom. I understand, you need a vacation. The only way is if you HIRE a caregiver to do what she wants YOU to do. Like you said, you can't afford much. Talk to some local social workers and get advice. They also have referrals for help.

Have you tried talking to a psychologist on-site on ideas that they may have to encourage her to socialize? Maybe be wheeled outside for some fresh air? It might be a small start and you can grow on.

My MIL just moved in with us, and I imagine she would be very similar. She has zero outside interests beyond the television, and really, she only wants to watch tv in the evenings. Her days are nothing short of boring, but I’m at a loss as to how to engage her and she doesn’t want to do anything. I finally got her to sit outside, and now that’s been part of her daily routine and she enjoys it. She likes the quiet, the fresh air, and the flowers.

What we’re going to do in the winter, I have no idea…

But in regards to your problem, I’d ask for help. I’m sure she’s not the first they’ve seen like this.

Best of luck, and please keep us updated.

I can relate to how you're feeling. My mother is 93 and just recently (8 months ago) moved to a retirement home. She goes to the dining room for her meals when she is not required to isolate in her room (when they've had cases of Covid). There are times when she is happy to participates in activities and times when she just wants to stay in her room. I stopped trying to encourage her to participate in activities and told her I can only visit her 3 times a week. We talk on the phone every day. That's when I noticed her making the effort to get more involved in things. My mom would love it if I visited her every day but I had to set some boundaries or go insane! She calls me about 3 times a day even on days when I visit. You need to ignore your mom's complaints and let her know what days you can visit. Cutting off visits altogether might be tempting but don't do that to her. Just set limits and let her decide whether she wants to be happy or not. Her happiness is not your responsibility. You can't force her to be happy so don't stress yourself out trying. When I decided to just let my mom do what she wants instead of constantly encouraging her she came around. It's her life, not mine, and she is very strong willed. I realize it's been really hard for her to lose her independence so I've stopped pushing and I let her make her own decisions. She is happier and I'm less stressed. Good luck to your and your mom. In time hopefully she'll adjust. Just know that you're doing your best and that's all any of us can do.

Are you sure you have your mom in the right placement? Some people flourish better in assisted-living facilities, while others flourish better in adult foster care. There are pros and cons to both living situation, but one might be better for your mother than the other. Adult foster care is much more like a home environment and your mom may like that better. She also might not be in the right assisted living facility, so you may want to consider a change there. She should also be evaluated for depression. Depression occurs in more than 50% of the senior population.