How to get my mother out of her room?

What if you go eat with her a couple times, so she’s sees it’s no big deal?
You can strike up conversation with adjacent tables and introduce her.
She might end up liking it once you “break the ice,” since she depends on you so much.
My mother did that until I dined with her and she connected with others.
They think everyone is “a senior” except themselves.

You aren’t going to change your mother at this point in time. She is entitled to do what she wants to do. At my mother’s AL having meals in the dining room is mandatory unless you are ill but not every day for 2 months. My mother prefers to spend most of her time in her room reading. It could be worse; she could be crying on the phone every day or very upset over being there but that isn’t the case. Be thankful that she appears to be okay with her living arrangements. Just accept what you have and continue your visits without recrimination.

I would consider cutting back on your visits. It sounds like she has disregarded you most if not all of your life. She’s not going to change or listen to your entreaties. Ask the staff to encourage her. I am reminded of when people are placed in Memory Care and they are a mess when their family visits. But by being left alone they acclimated very well and surprised the family several weeks later. You are still her connection to her former world and she needs to find her way on her own. Caregiving is very hard and can be thankless. Figure out boundaries for yourself.

Dunazee....
I'm in complete agreement with the answer that Impossible offered!
The world doesn't revolve around you, nor does it revolve around your mother. You will need to pray and ask the Lord to give you grace, courage, patience, and lots of loving understanding.....and you will need to lovingly set some boundaries.
Do not cut off your visits! You are all she has now....please treat her kindly and tenderly. Pray for grace! One of these days you'll no longer have your mother....and you will deeply regret all the times you snapped at her, didn't visit, or all those missed times when you failed to tell her you love her. Think ahead. It's horrible to have these types of regrets.
Her days are numbered, as are yours. Treasure the time you have, for the day is surely coming when you'll lose her.
I hope and pray you both are saved, and headed to Heaven. We all have sinned and fallen way short of God's perfection. The only way to avoid Hell forever, and enjoy Heaven forever is to Repent of your sins, and ask Christ the Lord to be your Lord and Savior! It's a win-win for all who trust in Jesus Christ.
And, like the saying goes, "It's Hell without Him."
Grace to you and Shalom! 💜🕊💜
John 3:16, 17

dunazee: Imho, perhaps you can tell the "proverbial little white lie" and say that there is music or some other form of accompanying entertainment in the dining room.

I had a similar situation with my Mom not wanting to socialize or leave her room, and fortunately it just took time and work for her to adjust - a whole year. COVID times make everything more difficult. My advice would be to try your best to be patient and encouraging with your Mom, let her adjust at her own pace, and keep an eye out for opportunities to gently convince her that she will enjoy a change of scene with other residents (activities, etc.). Let the AL staff know she's struggling and be sure to rule out medical issues. Take a deep breath and be proud that you're doing your best for your Mom.

I didn't see anything in your original post about "dementia". Nor did I note anything about incontinence (which can be easily handled-- not an excuse). Almost everybody in AL complains about the food! Try to have a meal with her a couple of times to see if it is really that bad. Sometimes the food is just mediocre and boring. If that's the case, bring her a favorite seasoning or a serving of a favorite dish once in a while (but not so often she comes to expect it).

If your mother has always been a bit introverted, she won't change for you or any of the "professional" helpers at the institution. Don't expect her to be drawn to socializing and don't force her into activities that don't interest her. (I speak as a life-long "introvert")

I do, however, strongly favor the idea of you joining her for a meal (or more) in the dining room. BUT be sure to enlist the help of care givers or professionals who know other residents well. You don't want her to sit where she will feel unwelcome. It's true, as someone has posted, that AL residents tend to be "territorial" about seating at meals. She needs to sit with someone who will be more or less welcoming and friendly, who won't take her presence as some kind of intrusion. You can assist with finding topics of mealtime conversation as needed. If she can find someone to consider a "friend" your problem may be partly solved.

Remember to take care of yourself, too. We are all human. Nobody has all the answers. But you are trying to provide the best for her and she is lucky to have a caring daughter.

My mom is the same way. Her alcoholism has landed her in AL possibly for good. She refuses everything, doesn’t want to do anything with anyone, complains about everything. I even found a really cool emotional counseling program where they would actually come and pick her up twice a week for therapy. She met with the intake counselor and agreed it could be a really good idea. As soon as she found out group therapy was a component of the program, She ended up dumping all over it and refused to go after I had worked on it for a month bc of her crappy insurance.

Here's where you talk to the Activities Director at your mom's ALF and ask for his or her help in getting mom out of her room to socialize. That's the ADs job at my mother's ALF: to knock on the doors of the residents and get them out and about. Also, they only allow 6 meals a month to be delivered to their rooms; after that, there is a $5 per meal delivery charge tacked onto the monthly bill! This deters the residents from doing what your mother is doing; using the ALF as a hotel with room service. The Caregivers have more important things to do than delivering meals, too, so that's why the $5 charge was instituted at mom's place; it's only fair.

If you can't convince her to come out of her room, and the AD can't convince her either, then so be it. It's not up to YOU to be her entertainment director, however, and she went into AL precisely so you could move on with your life. I suggest you do that beginning today. That's not to say you cut mother out of your life; just that you let her know you only have X amount of time each week to visit, and she can use that time with you as she sees fit. Stop questioning her about where she's eating her meals, and just make small talk when you do chat. How she chooses to spend her day is her business, and vice versa. It's not YOUR job to micro-manage her life at the ALF, just as it's not her job to micro manage your life in your home. Right? Think of it that way (after you have the talk with the AD). In my experience, when you leave the elder alone to their own devices, they eventually carve out a life of their OWN in the ALF, especially when you don't visit them constantly.

That said, I am an only child too and have been caring for my parents (now just my 94 y/o mother) since I moved them here in 2011, so for 10+ years. Mother lives in Memory Care AL since 2019, and in AL since 2014. Being an only child and fully responsible for a parent (or two) is a huge thing; people don't understand the magnitude of it unless they are in the same position. We are human beings above & beyond all else. To be preached at and told we need to be more than perfect or we'll forfeit our spot in heaven otherwise is inappropriate. We are doing the BEST WE CAN and you know what? It's Enough. I am here to tell you THAT, if nothing else. Let go of what you can't control, don't let images of fire & brimstone cloud your good judgement, and know that your mother is in good hands in the ALF. You can't fix her; SHE needs to fix herself; you're just here to help in any way you can. So do what you can for her and let the rest GO, or you will wind up with compassion fatigue, extreme exhaustion and looking for a psychiatrist to prescribe meds for YOU instead of for her. Trust me, I know.

Wishing you the best of luck finding peace with the entire situation and allowing yourself to have your OWN life here, too.

Thanks, everyone, for all the suggestions and different perspectives.

The most suggested, eating with her in the dining room, is a no-go till the pandemic is over. I can eat with her in her room, but they will not bring me a meal, I would have to bring my own food. Which.... kinda defeats the purpose.

What has been helpful is the advice to allow myself to just let her be. It is not my responsibility, any of it, except to do what I have been doing, which is making sure she is safe, fed, warm (or cool), and dry.