My 76 y/o mother was hospitalized a year ago for a month. Before her hospitalization she was able to stand, but during her illness she lost all strength, so she is wheelchair bound. Her PCM set her up with home PT twice and each time she stopped the visits. She never did her exercises she was told to do on her own and said she didn't do them because I didn't help her with the exercises she couldn't do herself.
I rented a sit to stand lift which she refused to use. She has been using bedpans for a year and always finds an issue with using a bedside commode. She stays in bed for weeks at a time. I bring her breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. She doesn't have dementia and is actually healthy except for the lack of strength.
How can I get her to do anything for herself?
-You do by not doing.
Don't cater to her anymore. I'm assuming the two of you live together and you're her main or only caregiver. So stop.
Lay down the law today. Offer to help her do her exercizes three or four times times a day and to get her into the stander several times a day. As much as she can tolerate. Make her spend time in the wheelchair too. Then tell her plainly that she has 30 days to get off the bedpan and onto the commode or she will be moved into a nursing home because you're not taking care of a bedridden invalid anymore. Nursing homes are for bedridden invalids.
Then tell her she has 30 days of bedside meal delivery left because that's stopping too. She'll either be walking to the table three times a day or at least coming to it in a wheelchair. No exceptions.
After she's told go and check out a few nursing home facilities. Make sure to get some brochures from these places and tell her to look them over.
Either she will do the hard work she needs to get back some kind of a life, or she goes to a nursing home. Then go through with it and place her if she doesn't.
Good luck to you both.
If your mom is perfectly capable of getting up out of bed and coming to the table for meals, then bringing her meals to her bedside is enabling her. You may want to attend an OT consult with her to lear ways to help her participate in ADLs more (activities of daily living).
I admire the fact you want to enable more independence for your Mom. Work with her medical team toward that goal.
You have my sympathy. I’m sorry this has happened to you.
But I mean, WHY? Why have you gone along with this?
Why was your mom in the hospital? Why didn’t she go to rehab? Why did you allow her to make the decisions about YOUR life? Were you just sitting, not using your own life, waiting for her to decide she would be an invalid and you would be her drudge?
If your mom has any savings, time to spend it on facility care. If she doesn’t, time to get her on Medicaid.
I wouldn’t even waste time on getting help in the house. Out she goes.
You let her convince you that she can turn it around.
And the only way to get her to do more for herself is to quit doing for her, and then wait and see exactly what she can or cannot do herself.
Your mom doesn't have to do anything for her self or can't, so I think it's rather impossible to really know.
I don't see how her brain health can be good seeing she is always in bed.
How can you get her to do anything for herself, it sounds like you have done all you can, and your moms just giving up. She may just be to weak to do the things you want her to do.
Probably time for a NH so you can get some of your life back and your home.
Sorry you are going through this, you have been a wonderful daughter doing the best you can.
Right now she probably is too weak to do the things the OP wants her to do and is only going to get weaker with every day spent in bed.
Start small. Do the exercizes in bed that PT instructs as many times a day as possible.
No one gets better if they won't try and help themselves.
The mother may not have dementia. She may have the other 'D'. Depression. It can cripple a person. I know because it happened to me. 76 isn't that old. If she has depression 'meds' can help but they're not always the answer. Of course the OP should talk to her doctor.
People have to have something to work towards in life. A goal if you will. When folks don't have this, retreating to the bed while others have to clean up your crap, wash you, bring your meals, and do everything else quickly becomes the reality.
She has to get her mother checked out by her doctor, then it's either force her to help herself or put her in a nursing home.
A bedpan is not the most comfortable thing in the world, I can't imagine wanting a bedpan over a commode.
Stop enabling her to remain in bed.
Is there a possibility that with PT that she would be able to use a walker or will she remain wheelchair bound? If it is the wheelchair is this a bit of depression that she is dealing with? If she was mobile then all of a sudden not I understand that she may be depressed.
I would push PT again and rather than in the home I would go to a PT facility where I believe she would get better PT as there is more equipment and more that can be done.
Instead of you trying to get her to do, hire an Aide on her dime. One like Burnt who will come in and say "Oh no, this is going to change". Then get her set up for OT and PT and tell them Mom cannot let them go until she is going to the bathroom onva commode or toilet and she can at least stand for a period of time.
I am 74 and can see where a month in bed would cause problems walking. Mom should have gine to rehab.
My mom is kind of like this and would love to be waited on. But I said no way. I forced her to do get her knees replaced and do the rehab afterward. I wasn't as tough as I should have been in the beginning but I learned my lessons.
I like burnt's plan. Tell mom things are changing ASAP. She can start doing the work or she can go into LTC. I would get home PT services lined up and tell them that she is not allowed to quit. They need to keep coming. I'd also hire an aide (with her money) to do her PT on the days/times PT is not there. It's unlikely that she'll cooperate with you or do it herself. She'll probably best of with an independent party to work with her and keep her motivated.
Are you handling the bedpans?? Ewww no way. She needs to get to the real bath room. A commode would be a short term compromise.
She needs to get up every day and stop wallowing in her bed.
Sorry you are going through this.