My sister and I both love our mom and want the best for her but have found ourselves in a difficult spot. Mom was super independent (lived alone, cooks, travels, shops etc.) but just had a stroke which has left her needing full time care for at least the next few months if not forever. She does not have enough money for assisted living without selling her home.
My sister lives 15 min from mom and her 2 adult children also live 10 and 30 min from grandma. Sister primarily works from home but recently is required to "badge in" 3 days a week to her job (doesn't have to stay more than 10-30 min and can then go back home). Her office is also 15 min away. We were rotating staying with mom each for a week at a time but the last time, my sister kept mom at her house so her husband can be there if mom needs anything while she checks in a work, goes to appointments etc.
I also work about 60% from home but I am in sales and cover the state of Texas so my schedule changes a lot and I go out to see customers all over. My kids are not near mom. My husband is out of work and has been able to help some with mom when I have meetings but that is not ideal either. The 2 biggest issues for me are that I live 3 hours from mom and my schedule is not predictable. They are also re-evaluating my position right now so I need to be at my best. If I lose my job, my husband is also out of work so we would have zero income.
My sister called me when mom got out of the hospital and said unequivocally that she expects me to do my 50% caretaking. To her, 50% is exactly that. Everything split perfectly equally. I explained that would be hard with my job and that I don't have the added benefit of being in my own town where I have doctors, hair salon, friends, dentist, and most of my customers are in my home town. Also, I don't have family near mom's house to cover for me and cannot easily bring her to my home since all her docs, PT etc. are not here. I asked my sister to take all this into account as well as my 6 hour round trip drive but she said that my driving and losing conveniences of being home doesn't "count" into the equation. If she does 7 days, I do 7 days.
With my conditions, I feel it is unfair to expect me to be at mom's 50% of the time. I still think I could pitch in say 10-12 days per month but sister will be upset if she has to do more. I said we could do some kind of split like 33/33/33 with the other third being paid help and she didn't like that either. The stress of this is killing me. I have an autoimmune disease that kicks in when I am stressed or don't sleep enough and haven't felt well though a lot of this.
Any suggestions on how to handle? Is it selfish, unfair, and unreasonable for me to stick to my limits and tell her I cannot commit to 50/50 100% of the time? I have done it so far but it is really unsustainable for me. And I am not one of those who is trying to dump all on the other sibling... I am willing to do as much as I can but I cannot lose my job and health over this.
Selling the house and mom moving to an Assisted Living facility where she will get the help she needs now and in the future seems like the best move
Taking care of mom in her home is just 1 part of taking care of her. Mowing the lawn, seasonal maintenance, doing repairs that will be needed down the road, checking furnace, the AC, water heater and all the rest of the stuff that might get put off if you and sibling are just taking care of mom and that can be a full time job alone.
That simple: No argument.
We once had a home three and one half hours from our home. A second home we thought would be easy to get to and back from. Not so. Realistically it always took the day with an exhausted evening.
Were this me I would tell sister:
"We can say what we like here. We can say my limitations with job and family and the transportation needs preclude my being able to do this. I will not try this"
Or we can say "I know my limitations. Sorry. I can't do this. Call me any names you choose, I have no intention of trying to take this on".
Your mother does likely need full time care now. It is better that this is addressed after rehab/NOW. She can go into care and spend down her cash assets. Or go into nursing home with all the rehab that will be supplied, and work on getting independent again.
If things change, wonderful. Then she can become independent and go home again. That's unlike and all here need to embrace that fact. All here already know that, I would bet.
This is time for honesty. Do not allow yourself to be bullied, convinced, manipulated into doing this. Tell everyone you have thought about it, and they will just have to accept your decision, because it isn't changing. Will they be mad? You betcha. Get ready for it. Allow it. This is worth grieving.
It is not fair that children are expected to throw their lives, their children, their jobs onto the burning funeral pyre of their parents. And it is a slow burn. This many go on for many many years. You KNOW this isn't sustainable for you. You KNOW it.
If Sis wishes to take on full time care for a period of three months during which it will be CRYSTAL CLEAR to her and to your Mom that she needs placement, sale of the home, and ALF? Fine. If she cannot, then that is fine as well. Mom can keep home and spend down in care, or keep home and go on Medicaid. Improvement means going home (very unlikely as all her already likely understand deep inside). If Mom must be in care then the sale of the home would help her afford ALF for the time it is affordable.
If Mom is so debilitated from this stroke that she cannot remain at home safely during the hours sister is at work? Then this isn't sustainable.
I am sorry. Embrace selfishness. Honor what you know to be your truth. You can apologize for your limitations till you're face goes blue, but you need to HONOR them imho. Trying this and failing is not going to make ANYONE here any the happier. This isn't a situation that can be fixed. It must be walked through with grief, tears and hard truths imho.
When my dad passed, taking care of mom went ok , my sister works I don't, I was going to moms 3 days on average my sister one, I was very pleased with the way things were going, slowly my sister stopped going, went to once a week to 2 times a year.
But you know , that was my sisters choice, end all be all, I don't blame her. None of us forced into caregiving. . My sister did what what right for her, and I hold no animosity towards her for that.
I get what you are trying to do by mom, I truly do but I don't believe it will work. If you choose not to find a facility for her, what about in home care, out of moms pocket.
No one should be forced into doing more than they can mentally, physically handle, and no one should spend money on there parents. We children need to save and plan for are aging future.
This is already effecting your health, it will just get harder.
Id tell your sister, I will give you this amount of time nothing more and tell her you will work with her to find help to fill in the other part time. NO , if ands or buts!!!! Put your boundaries down NOW. Is your sister older, she sounds a bit bossy, but on the other hand she is also going through a lot, so don't forget that.
Id tell her, I love you, I care, if she can't work with you then your done. I also don't think it's healthy for your sister to be doing 50 percent either.
Best of luck, let us know how it goes, please
"Nononononono! We can't sell the family home! Mom would (die, hate us, be angry, have another stroke blah blah blah)."
Assets are to be used for the person who owns them according to their needs. Mom's the one who had the stroke. She's the one who should accommodate to that disastrous event rather than you and sis. Taking care of a post-stroke victim is hell on earth. Or maybe just purgatory, depending on the conditions. Either way, you and sis should NOT attempt care. Leave it to professionals. I've done post-stroke care of a family member, and I can unequivocally assure you that if you and sis take that on, your lives as you know them will be over. Period.
I'm so sorry this has happened to all of you. Start thinking in the direction that I've suggested and good luck.
And what you and your sister are wanting to establish for your mom is next to impossible and the sooner you both realize that, the sooner you can actually figure out the next steps in your moms care.
And yes, that may very well mean selling her home so she has the funds to pay for an assisted living facility, where she will be around other folks her age and receive the care she now requires.
The fact that you love your mom is neither here nor there. What needs to be done to care for her, has to work for ALL involved or it doesn't work for anyone.
And you are at the point now of it not working for anyone.
So time for plan B. So have a heart to heart with your mom and sister, to figure out exactly what that plan looks like.
Best wishes.
What I learned in my 69 years is that family does not get to tell you what you need to do for them.
I agree with the other posters that it is time to sell moms house and place her. This is not a sustainable situation.
I wish you luck.
While the proposal of a 3 way split of 33 1/3split between the two of you and paid help was a thoughtful one its a start but also not probably sustainable. Our LO's rarely get better and are more likely to get worse.
I know what it is like to be the closest caretaker. Things fall through the crack, emergencies pop up and because of the logistics you are the one who is always on call. It is exceedingly stressful.
I vote with others who are promoting AL as the truly sustainable solution.
It is where I see my own family situation will have to go. Right now we have outside help for several hours one day a week and my sibling pitches in when he can but...there are always logistical hurdles that most often favor his schedule. Thus most ends up falling on me.
Additionally when you are the only one who is closest - the parent is more likely to think you are available and will not want to inconvenience your sibling.
Honestly my mother is the biggest enabler of the rest of the family doing less.
You have a right to your life and your sister has a right to hers. She should not be penalized because she lives the closest. Nor should you have to sacrifice your life.
The best we owe is to make sure our LO's are safe and comfortable. We cannot fix their situation and it is not fair to expect that any of us will give up their lives and retirement years to try to fix things for our LO's.
Your sister is scared, overwhelmed and burned out.
You will need to stand your ground with your sister. She seems type A with demands that she doesn't even know if she can sustain. To bad for her and those demands. Your expected 150% percent out put. 100% you and your family with an additional 50% for your mother. Not doable for an indefinite amount of time.
Sadly, i don't see a great outcome with your sister and her lowering the expectation. But you outlining and conversing with your mother should help between the two of you.
Wishing you and your mother the best.
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