I just returned from a visit with my honey at the hospital. After leaving his room, (after the third time while I was there of telling me to get the *bleep* out, I wasn't any use to him and that he did not want me there) I broke down in tears and cried all the way home. His doctor was there ( I had just talked to him a short time before) and I told him I was leaving for the day as my being there was getting my honey agitiated and if he needed anything to call me. Doctor understood. My honey was angry that everything he need required me to lift him and I couldn't do it because of my back. I asked him to call the nurse so she could help get him up and he flat refused. Saying it was my problem (they had him sitting in the chair) not the nurse's. I said I could not do it alone. A tech came in about that time and he tried to lift him (tech was much bigger and stronger than I am) and it took him three tries to get him up while I braced the walker. He said doctor was maybe going to release him tomorrow or tuesday and I told him I would start looking for someone to come in and help. He said don't know how I (not we) will pay for it but it is my problem not his. I told him what I will have to do is have a caregiver in during the day and I will have to go back to work. He started in about how they will not hire me period due to my age. I said part of the reason is my age, but also being a caregiver. I reminded him that we have talked about that aspect in the past and that he is more important than a job. He then threw up in my face about giving me money to help pay the bills ( I pay the bulk of the bills, though I have been out of work since July 2017 and he helps as much as he can). I have never in 30 years seen such a cold, steely, hate filled look as he turned on me when he told me to get out the third time that I was no use to him. I left and I am not sure with his attitude that I want to back up to see him. It was totally uncalled for, mean and scary. How do you handle a situation like this? I am at a loss and heartbroken as he has been my love and soulmate for 30 years and always treated me with love and respect even when we had a disagreement. Since February he has become a mean stranger to me. I don't recognize him any more though other than the edema he still looks the same. This severe edema did not hit until April 1st, but he started being verbally mean around Feb.
His reasoning ability and his connection to reality ( thinking that you can lift him, etc) seemed to indicate that he's lost his grip in some elemental way.
I'd insist the geri psych people do a complete workup. If med adjustments need to be made, they should be made in the rehab or in a geri psych unit, where there is safety, both for you and he.
I bought a gun safe and am putting the ammo and my loaded weapon in the gun safe. I will be the only one with the combination and the keys (keys will be worn on my neck on a chain). I have already unloaded his weapon. (don't want him to say I have taken it away from him). Not taking any chances for his safety and mine. But my weapon will be where I can get to it should someone break in.
I have told him I will visit tomorrow, but if he starts anything I will leave before it escalates. Not worried about him getting physically violent.
I know you don't want to trust yourself to read your posts like an outsider. I don't want you to be another statistic. I would rather give up my 30 year relationship by being safe than giving up my 60+ years of life by being nice. Let him win your trust back with more than a 10-minute conversation. Make him work for your love.
Get someone else to transfer him to the hospital - it might even be included on his insurance plan. You need to be sure that he is safe through a full neurological exam before you ever consider allowing him back into your home. Calling 911 and relying on rusty self-defense skills when you can't help him up out of his chair does not cut it.
Thanks for your post. True....I don't want to be a statistic either. If he is not willing to undergo a neuro and psych eval (and if he does and doesn't pass them) he will not be coming home.
I just can't take the risk. As to the firearms... I have purchased a gun safe and his gun is unloaded. My firearm and the bullets will go into the safe tomorrow.
I suspect he thinks he will check himself out and come home....not and I repeat not happening no matter how much I love him. This goes for the psych and neuro eval too. The rehab is planning to do both. So he might as well get set though they will not tell him that it is a psych exam or he will through a wall up and will not even talk to them.
Only other thought is that my hubby was on an antidepressant for a long time and after while it kind of worked backwards - may have been a mild form of serotonin syndrome - and even though he is not demented or even MCI, he does not remember some of what he said and did when he was in such a dark frame of mind. I'd had to briefly get the kids out of the house and stay with friends while the meds were switched over.
It's sad and disheartening, but his turning on you is 100% due to mental illness and cognitive decline, and it says nothing about the relationship you had all those years. Fault does not matter much though when it comes you you staying safe. People in his state certainly have been confused enough to injure of kill people they actually love. You are doing the right things in the face of heartache, and his family may need a lot of education so they do not assume that you are the one who has changed or turned, and the facility folks should be helping with that. Here's hoping that the assessment Monday will be a big help.
Yes, my honey's prior verbal abuse is in excusable as was the threat. I believe when I told him that he had scared me it brought him back to somewhat reality. I am not dropping my guard and will not tolerate any threats of physical violence nor any more verbal abuse. His family is standing behind me on this. He is aware that at the first sign, he is gone from my life. So we shall see. Till then I will continue to go out to see him and will go from there.
By the way I tried recording my visit yesterday, but he had the tv up so loud and was talking so softly that the recorder could not pick up anything but me and the tv. Not sure if he knew it was there. I feel that as I said his med is not helping (has been on it since his stroke) or there is something physical going on.
Yep they are behind me 100%. Just found out today that the 17th will be his last day at rehab. I will be bringing my honey home either the 17th or 18th as Medicare 100% runs out at that time and he nor we can pay the 20% that will be required after that.
My honey is aware that if I bring him home I will tolerate NO abuse of any kind and that should it start back up he will be out the door. I know he plans on eating what he pleases as he said he does not have much time left, but he WILL understand that if he does not take care of himself and begins getting edema again I will call 911 and he will go to the hospital as soon as the edema rears its head as we will not go through what we went through in April.
I was not going to allow him to come home, but he has no where else to go. I do feel safe and will be alert to any signs that would show I have need to be concerned. I have no problem calling 911. Though I have had to do some backtracking as to allowing him to come home, I am still not the same person I was when he went into the hospital. I feel I have found myself, am again strong and not afraid. My back is much better... I am able to do most everything I need to except walk long distances. I still have to use my cane on that. (smile).
I just talked to him and this is the third day that he has been back to his old self. (Before it was lasting an hour if I was lucky). So we shall see what happens. Please say some prayers that it all works out and I will keep you posted. Even after he gets home I will be checking in with you and everyone here. I may be making a mistake but I am following my instincts and gut feeling. I am going to make it a point to talk to the social worker when I go to see him tomorrow. Have a great day!!
Has anyone mentioned the possibility of a Hospice evaluation? They don't by any means provide round the clock care, but it would be an occasional extra pair of hands and eyes on the situation.
We are going to explore all options. His cardiologist (who we both have been seeing for many years) has basically put a wall up saying that everything has to go through the rehab facility.
But I do want to talk to his social worker and psychiatrist that did the eval before I bring him home.. Hope to talk to them tomorrow or Tues
Thanks, I hadn't thought of what would happen if I call 911 and he is waving the gun around. As to bullets, his family (brother and SIL) won't get any for him as they know the situation and we don't have any friends that are in contact with him. We have pretty much, other than family, been loners for a number of years. I am going to put his gun in the gun vault as well though. I would not want him possibly getting shot by police if he was waving it around and I had to call 911. If someone is waving a gun around they cannot take any chances and I might not be in a position to let them know soon enough (depending on the circumstances) that I unloaded it. Not worth taking a chance on tragedy to preserve his ego.
The visit with my honey went well and this is the best I have seen him in the last several months. For once he was not argumentative, verbally abusive or angry. He was more like the man I have known for the last 30 years. Don't get me wrong I am still not letting my guard down.
So we shall see what today forward brings. He has to realize that the world (and I) do not revolve around him. I have a business (actually two) that I am trying to move forward with. Anyway, I have a feeling it is going to be a challenge (just physically taking care of him..not including the mental part...can't take my pain med or anti panic as I have to stay sharp in case something goes wrong with his IV). Though he is mobile, he has gone back to the old habit of couch to dining room chair and then restroom or back to couch. If he refuses to do his walking and exercise he will know that 1. he is an adult and it is on his head and 2. If he starts swelling again..I will call 911 to take him back to the hospital.
Y'all have a great weekend and I will keep y'all posted on the ongoing saga. (smile)
ps: Breakfast is done and my honey is doing his exercises without me prompting him. Yea!!