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Hi Snoopy,
Just kind of an update. My honey is now in a rehab facility...he hates it and is mad at me but oh well. I finally figured out if he does not care about my well being, I have to. I have posted an update on some other threads but wanted to touch base. He is doing much better and has been somewhat better on his verbal meanness. (as long as I don't disagree with him or try to state an opinion on anything...oh well. Have found silence is golden.) He is wanting to come home from rehab before his surgery. I have said no as I need this time for my back to heal and to get a few things done before he comes home from his up coming surgery. ) He is still demanding but I am learning to deal with it and still keep my sanity. (smile). Have a great day and week. Hope all is going well.
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Yay, very glad to hear this, Dusti!
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Good news everyone! Well they are going to be transitioning him soon to a skilled nursing facility for transitioning from the hospital to home. Hopefully this will get his strength up. He is balking some, but I have made it clear that he will not come home if he checks himself out of the hospital with out going to rehab. And if he does and has to go back to the hospital or to rehab at a later date Medicare might not pay for it because of going against medical recommendations. Found a really nice facility that is more like a hotel and is Medicare approved. They do skilled nursing and rehab. Rehab as defined requires 3hrs per day of therapy which he is not able to do but skilled nursing requires only 1 hour till he builds his strength. I am touring the facility in the morning.


A cardiologist that is not even his treating physician told him he did not need to go to rehab. Grrrrr. The cardiologist is from the same group as his regular cardiologist and is not familiar with his case. PT and his treating doctors are advising he go to rehab when he leaves the hospital.
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Hi vstefans….You are right....but his doctors at the hospital he is at refuse to address it. So hopefully as he gets stronger it will change. Have not been to see him since his major melt down on Monday. I have talked to him by phone though and he is trying his best not to go there again.
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I second Gershun's remarks - depression does this to people, they think negative thoughts like if so and so really loved me they could and would be able to do everything I want, they feel worthless and unloved, they lash out at the people who love them but simply can't fix it all. They understandably have a hard time facing the realities that things are going down hill and having a focus of blame helps deflect that for them. Antidepressants may help some and the brief absence may change his thinking a little too.
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Thanks Gershun… I feel for you it is not easy. I am protecting my heart. And I will not tolerate that from him. As I said he has never physically offered to hurt me. But contrary to the old saying, words can hurt. I am going to talk to his doctor to see if they can get to the bottom of it. Have a great night and please take care.
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Dusti, you said he is nice to other people? If that is the case then it's obviously something he can control or he wouldn't be nice to anyone, right? I've heard quite often anger is just depression turned outward, especially in men. Maybe he resents you cause you are still able-bodied and he isn't.

I know what you are going through. I've experienced the same. I'm not going to elaborate about my situation but suffice it to say that I know how you feel and you need to protect your heart. No matter what the reason, it is inexcusable behavior. Love yourself enough to not accept that type of treatment. I wish you the best and I hope you can resolve this to where everyone is happy.
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Hi isthisreallyreal...thank you for your post. I agree. I am familiar with domestic abuse (no not from my honey) first hand. I married at a very, very young (age 19)and my ex put me in the hospital three times with broken bones in the two years we were married before I was able to summon the courage to escape. My honey knows about it as I told him and I told him at that time that I would never tolerate verbal or physical abuse again before we even got together. I have never had any fear of my honey and even though I knew he was mad enough in the past I knew he would never hurt me.

I have already made it clear to the doctor that as he is not able to get up on his own, I cannot care for him as I cannot physically hold up to it. [ I am not totally weak as I can pick up a 31lb of dog food using my hands and forearms (not my back) though it does not help my shoulder. My honey is over 236lbs.] Dr said I should not have to and they are not releasing him tomorrow. I did not tell doctor about the way he has been acting but I should have. I will be calling the doctor tomorrow to discuss it with him and see if there might be a medical reason for it. I'll keep y'all posted. Hope my post made sense.
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Hi Veronica...thank you for your post. His stroke was 13 years ago and yes I did grieve for what we had lost when he had his strokes as it did change him. But I still loved him. I started his rehab at home as soon as he was able and he progressed amazingly well ( I had done the rehab with my Dad when he had his stroke though he was in a nursing home) enough that the doctor did not feel that he needed to go for professional rehab. Even then he was still loving and showed me nothing but love and respect as I showed him. That is all the way up until this past Feb when he suddenly began changing. I thought he might be headed for another stroke and watched for the symptoms. But none showed. His disposition and his treatment of me just began to change. It went from loving and caring to mean, derogatory and downright sarcastic and has gotten worse. I am grieving as the man I love is not the man that he has become since Feb. Today was the first time in 30 years that I was actually afraid. (And there isn't much that I fear). I have never seen so much hate, coldness and unemotion in someone's eyes. He has been on an antidepressant since his strokes for anxiety and panic attacks and depression and I think it may not be working any more. I feel like it is a medication problem. Or rather I pray it is. It is hard but I can work if I stay in my current profession. I am working toward moving my own business forward as well ( I am an artist). The only way that I may be able to afford a caregiver for him is if I am able to find a job in my regular profession.

I am not trying to punish him by not going tomorrow. I just cannot subject myself to the same thing that I went through today and want to give it a cooling off period for him. I love him and don't want him to be there alone but I still cannot quit crying every time I think about it. His verbal treatment of me has gotten worse and worse since Feb. I am just afraid that if I go tomorrow it will start as soon as I walk in as it did today.

I have no bitterness, only sadness (and a broken heart) right now. No no family here but I have talked with his brother who agree that I should not go tomorrow. His brother and sister n law are like family to me too.
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Added:  he will be mad, don't let his anger sway you. This will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but you can do it.

HUGS TO YOU!
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You should have him evaluated and if his meanness continues tell the hospital that you are scared and this person is a stranger and has needs that you can not safely meet at home.

It only takes one incident for a tragedy, do not allow this person in your house, this is months now and escalating, you should be worried and take care of you with precautions for your safety.

Hospitals will try to bully you into taking the patient home, tell them no, no, no. He will not be safe and neither will you, stand your ground and make them find a safe release place and a plan to find out what is going on and if there is any help or is this his new reality.

I am so sorry for your loss, I pray that God gives you strength and courage to walk this journey.
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Dusty any kind of trauma to the brain which is what a stroke causes can change a person's personality not always for the best.
This is going to be a very difficult time for you as the person you have known and loved is no longer the same. You have suffered a great loss in many cases worse than a death.
You are clearly not strong enough to care for him by yourself at home and would need 24 hour care which I assume you could not afford.
At this point I would talk to the discharge planner and social worker to see what options are available for him.
He is obviously very angry and thinks you should be able to make everything better.
Is the stroke fairly recent. His physical condition may improve with rehab and if he refuses to go you do not have to take him home and suffer.
Right now think of your own situation as far as supporting yourself alone and your living arrangements. How realistic is it for you to go back to work even if he was not in your life. If you are not old enough to retire find out what help may be available for you. Don't be afraid to apply for everything out there and get on any list there may be waiting for subsidized housing etc.
Trying to punish him by not visiting is unlikely to work but continueing the visit is something you can control. Leave at the first sign of nastiness. If you don't feel up to it you don't have to go tomorrow. Use the day to collect your self and face what is becoming a devastating reality and most important of all take care of yourself. Do you have family or friends who would be supportive of you. Cry all you want it does help get the bitterness out of your system. There is always someone around here to talk to when you need so come back often.
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Hi Freqflyer...I know it had on him. I have turned the other cheek as the saying goes since Feb. The man I saw today I did not recognize. We have been through some very rough medical issues (for both him and me) and he has never acted this way. He is nice as pie to everyone but me. I will have them check for a UTI as well. I have made excuses and ignored it since Feb, but this I could not deal with. Normally I tell him to stop it, I don't deserve it and will not tolerate it. But today he actually scared me with the look in his eyes. I have not been afraid or scared of this man in 30 years. He is not getting a visit from me at the hospital tomorrow. Right now I do not even want to talk to him. But I will be calling his doctor tomorrow about the change in him.
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Hi Barb...not yet but I am getting ready to request that they check his meds (for panic and aniexty) and do one. Something is not right.
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Dusti, your hubby sounds very frustrated, and some people just don't handle being sick very well. He sure doesn't. He probably chews everyone out when you aren't there visiting. And he is upset with himself that he is now in this condition, something he cannot fix. This wasn't the retirement he had planned.

I know it is hard not to be emotional about this, especially since you were doing all that you could. Have a good cry, and try to realize it isn't anything you did. He just needed to vent and you were there.

As for the caregiver, if you can, tell him the caregiver is for you [Dusti], to help you around the house, and the caregiver will be there if he needs anything.

Oh, you might ask hubby's doctor to have hubby checked for an Urinary Tract Infection.  Such an infection can make a person act down right mean. 
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Has he had a workup for mental health issues, including dementia?
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