How to handle post-op for a parent who can't stay alone?

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How to handle post-op for a parent who can't stay alone?

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So, mom's operation got postponed and is now very close to a vacation my hubby and mom and I were supposed to go on (which is already a postponed vacation). My husband and I still want to go. Feels selfish but OTOH I feel like we should be able to take a darn vacation!

Since the surgery is 2 weeks before the vacation, I don't see any way that she will be able to go after a total knee replacement. We drive and it's a long drive, at least 1 night in a hotel and 2 long days in the car.

She does not like to stay alone and has not for like 10 years so this is certainly not the time to start that.

She usually goes to my siblings house when hubby and I do a get away but sibling is having a hard time with the visits but says she'll tough it out. I know she suffers though. Cries every day and is upset and counting down the minutes until she has her small house back.

I can't decide what to do!!

Go on vacation or postpone again?

Send mom to sister's even though it will be hard on sister?

Set up respite care near our home? But she thinks she can go to my sister's so how could I tell her, no, you can't go there and are going to a nursing home instead? That will not go over well. She is still competent - not 100% but definitely with it enough to be fully aware of what's going on, etc.

Care Decisions Knee Replacement Travel

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Take your vacation. 100%. Do it. It would be selfish NOT to do it. It’s OK to put yourselves first.

As far as your mom, Medicare will pay for 21 days rehab at 100%. I would try to get her sent to rehab while you are gone. Just tell her the dr required it/prescribed it.

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My answer you may not like. But, here is what I did. I hadn't seen my family in many years due to my husband's military career and settling across the US thousands of miles away. I arranged my husband to spend 22 days in respite care assisted living, where he was monitored every day with reminders to eat, they escorted him to dining rooms, checked he took his meds and showered, and many other chores. He would tell me by phone he missed me, but I didn't give him any time to complain, and I didn't give him any possibility of crying or moaning he didn't want me to go. It was my decision. It wasn't that expensive for the time he spent there, and, I was able to count days as "elimination period" off his long term insurance policy. For that time away, I didn't want a caregiver to come into the house and spend 24 hours there every day, and have access to documents that were private and not able to be put in safe. You have to take charge and "do it" and let Mom cry, beg, stomp her feet. It passes. Was I cruel? No, I was entitled to this vacation with my family I hadn't spent time with in over 55 years. You are entitled to this vacation, esp. if it is already paid for and no refund. The money you already spent on her travel can go towards her stay in a facility. Have fun.

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Do not postpone a vacation! You need downtime too!!!! Send mom to sister's but get her in home help, so she is not over burdened. That way she gets breaks too.
Do not ruin your vacation bc mom wants you to come home. She might try that. Cant cope. She will be fine. Dont ruin your vacation. It is not being selfish, it is recharging. You need alone time too.
why cant sibling cope? Mom cant cope? Good grief. Yes they can. I wouldnt cave into that. No its your turn. I wouldnt go home if they call with an emergency, bc there might be one just so you come home. Time for someone else to step up. Your unavailable. Good luck.

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Thanks for your response. I did have to postpone our vacation due to covid and hubby having to quarantine for 2 weeks if we went. Not worth it. But darn!!!

My sibling is great, but almost 2 weeks in a small house with one bathroom is just toooo much to be dealt with. She likes/needs to be alone a lot and I can respect that. She never wanted to take mom in and thinks I am crazy for having done so. She might be right!! While I wish she would be able to do more, I have to respect her limitations.

I will find a way to get a vacay for me and hubby and recharge our batteries. It's necessary and so enjoyable!

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Your Mom will almost certainly go to rehab, perhaps for as long as a month. You should discuss all of this with MD. Anything, of course, can happen with a major surgery, esp on a lower limb, and there could be blood clots, any kind of emergent situation. You will have to consider how comfortable you are with leaving, who will be STAYING, and how quickly you could come home in emergent situation.

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Usually the hospital sets up rehab, in my area. Definitely look at some places to find ones that are acceptable, but it usually comes down to who has an open bed.

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I would opt for rehab in a facility if the doctor would agree to that. (I discussed this with my doctor and he does not like rehab facilities for a variety of reasons)
If there is no rehab that she could go to then I would opt for a caregiver to come in.
A rehab facility is not a "nursing home" even though some rehab facilities have wings in the same building and many of the residents of the Skilled Nursing Facility do have rehab..
(a rehab facility just opened up near me it is a "resort spa" rehab looks amazing and sounds like it has high end luxury hotel type amenities. I would love to spend a week or two there!)

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I know her doc is NOT in favor of rehab but that's easy for him to say. Not going has advantages as far as risk of infection, but so many other reasons point to YES to rehab. For a younger, healthier person that can and will do the hard work necessary, they should definitely go home and do it from there. But older people that are in poor physical shape? They really need rehab!

I'd like to check into that resort spa too!!

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Many people go to rehab after a knee replacement to get care and physical therapy. Seems like a perfect solution for your mom... and you still get that vacation too.

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Arrange for her to do rehab in a facility. Is that a possibility?

Best wishes to you and your family.

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I think so. I will start calling around tomorrow. I don't know if you can "book" rehab in advance cuz you never know what's going to happen with surgery. Could get rescheduled again or she could stay in the hospital longer than the one day they say is normal for the majority of people.

Thanks.

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Perhaps your sister could have an imaginary illness (infectious?) that means your mother can’t stay with her. Then respite care is explainable. And anyway, you and DH and your sister suffering are EACH just as important as respite care not going down well with mother.

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So many caring, well thought out, helpful responses. Thank you! You are amazing.

Found out bad news today - IF hubby goes to FL, he will have to quarantine for TWO WEEKS prior to returning to work and he can not work from home so.....Had to cancel the vacation today!!!!

Hubby and I will do a combo of staycation and vacation in state so that he will not have to quarantine.

But the advice has been great and I will definitely use it in the future!

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I was just going to write that if mom lives in your home, you might enjoy staying home while she is gone in rehab. I love when my house is empty of everyone but my cat and me. I'm seriously introverted. I see you've come up with a plan to stay in-state for vacation, since your husband does not want to quarantine. Have a restful time while you can!

How to handle post-op for a parent who can't stay alone?

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