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My boyfriend of 3 years takes care of his mother (who is jobless because she is the care taker of her ex-husband), his step father who is his mom’s ex-husband and his sister’s father (he is bedridden from his stroke and can barely have a conversation), and his 17 year old autistic sister. He has made it clear he doesn’t want his sister to ever work and his mom can’t work because she will lose the caregiving check. He lives with his family and is the primary breadwinner. I am very much in love with him but I get deep anxiety about our future. Taking care of 1 person is enough but 3 people? I don’t want to be married at 35 and have children with this man and feel like our immediate family come second to his family. I also would hate to work so hard everyday to have a good portion of his check go to his family every month once we are married/all living together. I couldn’t imagine asking him to take care of my mother, father, AND brother. I feel so guilty and anxious about my potential situation. We are serious and I love him deeply but I don’t want to be robbed of my future. Are there any “in law” care giving stories or advice I can get?

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Guilty? Why, what have you done?

A very wise person once said "if you want to be happily married, marry a happy person."

To extend that idea:

If you want to sacrifice yourself and your future, marry a man who has already resolved to sacrifice himself and his future.

But okay. Before I suggest you write him off and move on with your life - what is it that you love about him?
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
He’s a happy person, we get along so well, he’s my best friend, he makes life better. I feel guilty because how could you tell someone (worst case scenario) “I love you but I can’t deal with the burden of your family”. I should be able to accept everything about his family right? His mom and sister already consider me family it’s just, I am worried about my responsibilities when we get married. He would be sacrificing just as much but I don’t want to give all I have to his family to then be unable to take care of mine if tragedy stuck, or be unable to have my own kids because I am too caught up in his family’s needs.
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You
Your boyfriend
Your boyfriend's mother
Your boyfriend's sister
Your boyfriend's stepfather

Is the ex husband one and the same as the stepfather? What happened to boyfriend's father?

How old are you?
How old is your boyfriend?

It troubles me that anybody is saying that they "don't want" a 17 year old with autism ever to work. What kind of aspiration is that to have for her? Ask any specialist in learning disability: work can be an essential element in personal fulfilment.

I have many more questions but not all at once!
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
Step-father/mother’s ex-husband/sister’s father all the same person. His biological father has never been in the picture. I am 23 and he is 30. When he mentioned his sister having a job, he said he didn’t want to have a job to then be inappropriately harassed by a manager. He never talks about his sister ever having a formal job. My issue with this is even though his sister helps take care of her own father (feeding him, giving him his medications, emptying his urine bottles-whatever-you-call them), it’s very different than working outside of the home and earning your own paycheck. It’s doesn’t matter the size of it but earn SOMETHING, right?
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Thank you, that makes sense.

Okay.

A lady has a little boy. Little boy's father is sperm donor, essentially. Lady later marries, and has a little girl. Lady and little girl's father (SF) divorce... when? SF has a stroke... when? And L becomes his paid caregiver. Who is paying her?

When all of this happened, what your boyfriend does for a living, what changes it is reasonable to expect, what we can infer about what kind of people you're bonding with...

You're 23. What career are you pursuing?
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
My boyfriend has a year to go before graduating law school. I am in paralegal school. His step father had a stroke about 3 years ago. From what I am told, his mom gets a check from the government. I think he expects me to move in, contribute to the family until God knows when. He treats his sister like a daughter so I wouldn’t put it past him to baby her and put her above me on the priority list. If I accept this as my life, what kind of boundaries do I put up? It’s so difficult because I have no say, there’s nothing to compromise on.
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If I were your mother I would come and collect you this afternoon.

You think your boyfriend is wonderful. He makes life better.
Under his influence you are contemplating committing yourself to a future in which *the* *idea* *is* that you have no say and there is no compromise.
You feel guilty for having reservations about that.

I'm sure your boyfriend is a lovely bloke. God knows he must have had trauma in his years to date, and he is conquering it as best he can, and for that he has my sympathy. But overcompensating through control is seriously bad news for his potential partners, and it's not great for his kid sister either.

Fortunately, you are 23. Promise me, at least, that you will firmly decide that you will not commit yourself to anything until a) you are fully qualified and in a good graduate training program with a good firm and b) you are 25 minimum.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
I am doing an internship right now while in school so I have full intentions of becoming a decent paralegal at minimum. Let’s say I am 25 and have a decent paralegal job. What do you recommend?

It bothers me it seems like it will never be OUR family. It will be his family and I am the add on. I still don’t know how to probably confront the situation because I am so embarrassed to say “I don’t what to pay for 3 people who don’t/can’t work unless they are my own children/minors” (which wouldn’t include his family). I have my issues too. I know I will have to take care of my brother when I am older but I will NOT tolerate him not having a job. I know because of my boyfriend’s situation, he will accept my brother. But his situation overwhelms me because it’s not only his sister but his parents (including his step father) that makes me have a panic attack. My parents are in their 60’s while his parents are in their mid 40’s. If anyone is getting any bit of my money in the future, I would prefer it would go to my parents (assuming they needed it, right this second they don’t).
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I actually think you're worrying about the wrong things.

Who will have what care needs in, say, five to fifteen years' time isn't the issue. Care needs are always manageable, one way or another: you find out about services and options and ways and means, you get good at it. You'll handle it. You don't have to sort those details out now, even if it were possible (it isn't).

If your boyfriend is thirty, and his stepfather was his mother's second husband, they must be nearer fifty at least, surely? But again - doesn't matter.

You were quite a late baby, then? Do you have older siblings?

Okay, this is what worries me.

The thing is. It isn't that you are being asked to consider a way of life that involves enormous self-sacrifice, and to take it on trust that this is the right approach. It's that you seem to feel that a right-thinking person would believe that this is a good idea, and that anyone who thinks it stinks as a life plan must be evil and selfish.

If a friend of yours came to you and said 'hey, I'm going to do this, what do you think?' - what would you say to her?

It is that you are *uncomfortable* at the thought of making different choices. I don't like that you think there would be something wrong with you if you didn't fancy the prospect. I think that's the nutshell for me. I don't like what it suggests about your relationship.

Whose idea was it that you should train as a paralegal, by the way? Is that how you met your boyfriend, through study or work, or were you doing something else before?
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
Both parents are about 45ish. I just don’t have to have the majority of my check go to pay for his parents and sister while I am left little to nothing to myself and my own family (brothers,parents).

I have have two older brothers. One I will have to take care of as he is older as he is incapable of taking care of himself.

No I was in paralegal school before I met my boyfriend who was in law school at the time (still is).
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Oh? Why would the care of your incapable brother fall to you, and not to your capable brother - just for example?

To begin again for a moment. What in particular brought you to the forum today?
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
I am desperate for direction so I thought I would ask people who might have an idea on what to do. Especially if people have experience with caregiving, they could steer me in the right direction.

My brother has a learning disability and my parents have enabled him so he’s not an independent person, has never had a job. It’s a complex situation because he’s 31 and absolutely useless. I am very embarrassed talking about it because how do you explain to people your brother 31 year old brother is a lazy piece of garbage? There is no simple answer.
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Hello, Needadvice.

It isn't clear to me in what sense your boyfriend is his family's caregiver. His mother and sister actually provide the hands-on care for his mother's former husband, who is his sister's father. Your boyfriend lives with them and goes to law school.

Who owns the home? Your boyfriend, his ex-stepfather, or his mother?

Is his mother actually paid by someone to take care of her ex-husband, or is it rather that the ex-husband has some kind of income which goes toward their expenses?

Does the household depend on your boyfriend's financial contributions to survive?

This sounds like a very complicated situation. Please be very careful about assuming financial responsibility for this unfortunate family.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
I am told she gets a check from the government for being his caregiver. It’s her house they live in. They have 0 income/saving without their son/my boyfriend. He helps his step dad with mobility, going to the bathroom, and bathing. His sister/mom are home while he is at work/school so they do the majority of the daily “little” tasks.
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His parents are in their mid 40s?

And their financial plan is to rely on their millenial aged son to support a household before he's out of school?

Who made this plan? Do the parents have substantial retirement savings? What is his mother going to do when husband dies and the caregiving check goes away (who is paying her?)

Are you in the US?

This is ridiculously poor planning, just from the financial end. I would run, not walk away from a tribe with this little financial acumen.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
To my acknowledge, they have 0 savings. They can’t make ends meet if they don’t have their son/my boyfriend helping out. His mom doesn’t have a career so I don’t believe she would work if he died which is what worries me. So if I marry him, I am liable for supporting his parents and his sister? I will be slaving away to support his family? Yes, we live in the US.
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😳

Um. Well, first off, and call me a middle class politically correct do-gooder if you like, but I wouldn't ever describe a person with a learning disability as a piece of garbage. No matter how misguided his parents might have been in their approach to his development.

I'm just going to make a cup of coffee to get over my surprise!
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
I love my brother but he is very lazy. He won’t help around the house. He has no ambition to get any job. I don’t care the type of job, ANY job. He has no high school education. I am forced to take of him as well. He literally sleeps till mid afternoon every night and watches tv. He is 8 years older than me and incapable of doing the slightest work.
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The beauty of your situation, the lovely part to take comfort in, is that you are 23 and set fair to qualify in a highly respectable, lucrative, portable profession. The world will very soon be your oyster.

Do you feel under pressure to commit yourself to any long-term or irrevocable decisions right now?
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
I feel like I would be pressured to live a life that’s not my own/my decision. I would live under his mother’s house, paying their bills, and barely have any money to pay for my school loans and living expenses (I imagine). I also don’t want to promise a life with someone then bail. Part of me thinks, if we break up now maybe he will find someone better than me? I feel like I am not strong enough to handle his situation. It’s overwhelming.
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Sending you a private message.
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Honey bunch. Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself?

My daughters are 31 and 33. My stepdaughter is 35. They are all three getting married this year (expensive 2019 for my ex! - but he's not complaining, bless him).

Has he said, move in or we break up? Are you thinking more in terms of "let's move in together" and he's vetoed that idea? I'm just wondering where the rush to make these decisions might be coming from.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
I am sure I am getting ahead over myself however, we have talked about marriage and moving (within the next 2 years) and I don’t want myself to be put in a situation I can’t get out of. He wants me to move to a different town with his family.
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Sweetheart (if you'll forgive the familiarity);

You are 23, a decade younger than my youngest child.

This is a trainwreck of a family situation. Your "boyfriend" contemplates permanent caregiving for his mother, his step-father and his sister. You will be stuck, long-term, living in THEIR home.

When I was a young bride, one of the things that I really liked doing was picking out stuff to decorate "our" home. It was hard enough to come to decisions, just the two of us. Are you going to move into a home that will never be yours to love and fix up?

You and your boyfriend will both work; both of your checks will go to pay for a house that is in whose name? Who is it being left to? What provisions are being made for the daughter with autism when her parents die?

When stepdad and mother become aged and need more care, who is going to be required to take off from work and then quit her job to be a hand's on caregiver? Your "boyfriend"? Or you?

There are so many red flags in this situation.

If you don't feel that you are getting good advice from your parents, then please consider seeing a counselor at your school or a private therapist to help you make a rational choice.

You've seen, up close, how parents who enable their capably-disabled children fare. Don't extend that tradition.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
That’s exactly right. I have seen what enabling does with my brother. I don’t want to help enable sister (despite how sweet she is) and his mother (who is also lovely). I don’t want to be 35 and a divorced single mother because my husband has his own family which are higher priorities. My boyfriend has said we would live in his mother’s house until we get our own house but I don’t see how that’s possible if his mother doesn’t work.
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"Better than me"?

Where is that coming from?

Ssomeone who has a martyr complex is not " better than you".

His family's poor planning abilities are not your puzzle to solve.
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BlackHole Apr 2019
Agree.
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Honey, listen to Barb and Countrymouse. They're two of the wisest people on this forum, as well as among the kindest.
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When do you qualify?

So he's planning to qualify next year, and then - move to a different town taking his family (SF, sister, mother an' all) with him, or move back to where they all came from, or what?

Bear with me a moment: I have rather late in the day got into a writer called Anthony Trollope. (Rattling good stories, by the way). A recurring theme among his otherwise excellent heroines is that often they have a choice of making a terrible marriage, or not. And I'll be yelling at my audiobook "NO! WHY??? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?" and yet sure enough these ladies, in their twenties usually, seem to feel that they have a binary choice. They can marry the shady adventurer/murderous psycho/crushing automaton, or their lives will be over.

But the world is FULL of choices. You have barely even started! Who knows where life and your profession will lead you, and what horizons will unfold for you?

You love this young man, and certainly he seems to have attractive qualities: he is bright, he has a strong sense of responsibility, and he is principled. But that does not mean that you have to superglue yourself to him right now; and neither does it mean that you have to mirror his good qualities. Other good qualities may be a better fit for you.

And if you ever get an inkling that that is exactly what he is demanding of you, and you are uncomfortable about it, you walk.
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realtime Apr 2019
Oh, Countrymouse. I'm an Anthony Trollope freak too. I wish we could compare notes. Caroline
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Sweetie--

You are so young (sick of hearing that yet?) and these family situations are very convoluted and challenging.

FINISH YOUR EDUCATION before you make ANY long range plans with this man. In fact, if you can be this strong--take a break from him completely and focus on you. Clearing your head about his family issues and look at them from a distance.

Watch and see where his priorities really are. Is he always 'on call' for mother? Does he place you firmly and squarely in place #1? If he doesn't NOW, that will not change after marriage. Are you expected to live with all these people? 45 is NOT OLD (my OD is 41!) These folks could easily live 40 more years.

Your first responsibility is to yourself. Then you have to set your own 'list' of people. (Your older brother is NOT your responsibility.)

If you were one of my daughters I would be VERY concerned about the future. My OD dated a young man for 5 years and just assumed they's get married--and his family was a hot mess. OD would complain about them, and she wasn't even engaged to this boy yet! Finally, I had a very serious talk with her and told her that people do NOT get married and suddenly change into stellar, wonderful people. They tend to be more like 'themselves'. I explained that her BF's smoking & drinking when he was stressed was NOT going to end b/c they were married. The BF's mother's 'hooking' out of their co-owned home (he lived there, she didn't) would not end, as BF didn't care. I said to her "I don't want you to marry this guy simply because you've been with him forever. I DO NOT want you back here in five years with a couple kids b/c you thought 'J' was the best option. You're miserable now. Marriage will not cure that."

2 weeks later she broke up with him and did not look back. Eventually met and married the most wonderful man in the world---20 years ago. Got her degree, supported hubby through school and now own their own business. She has seen 'J' in the past years and he has become exactly what I feared he would. An angry alcoholic with family problems you wouldn't wish on anyone. And yes, he's still supporting his mother.

The worst thing in the world isn't not being married. You need to take care of you and look at this situation calmly and clearly. Your BF may be an absolute angel, and that's great---but you are already concerned about things re: him and his family. Trust me, those aren't going to be made better by marrying. They will problems you will then co-own.
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cherokeegrrl54 Apr 2019
Oh i sure hope this young lady reads and truly takes your words to heart!!! Such good sound advice...i taught my daughter to make sure she got her education, to stand on her own two feet and be independent.....shes been in the Army almost 18 years...has a college education, already has her business set up for when she retires....
please take care of you and do whats best for you!!
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You will be marrying his entire family if you marry him. He has made his stance crystal clear, believe what he has told you.

It is what it is and if you aren't all in for this type of arrangement then you should get out now.

You will never convince him to not be the man to his female relatives and it is not for everyone.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
Do you think his priorities will change after marriage or do you think it will get worse?
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OK, your are 23 and already have "deep anxiety" about this relationship. You have years ahead of you to figure things out. You are not engaged. He is not yet a lawyer, you are also not out of school yet and employed. If you are conflicted, take it slow and steady and see how it pans out. But do not commit unless you are sure you can. At 23 you have years ahead of you to see what you can and cannot do. My daughter is 31.. has been able to own her own house, travel the world, become her own person. If she had married at 23 into one of her exs screwed up families her life would be so much smaller. Just food for thought
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Get out now! I helped out a friend for nearly 20 years with her son with autism (severe autism). Everything was fine until he got into the teen years.

I knew her several years before she had her son children.

Please do not do this. Nothing will be seen fairly. You will always be last. No sacrifices will ever be made for anyone but disabled child. I watched this for too many years. His mother was not an emotionally stable person. Will appear to be sweet to bait you and then watch out!

This teenager who grew into a very strong, large frame guy and he physically abused every single person he came in contact with and she excused him constantly and placed blame on everyone else.

This family had an extremely difficult situation. Maybe the family you are dealing with isn’t as difficult. It’s still not a good idea to place yourself in this environment. Question it? Question yourself? If you want a fulfilling life, there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer somewhere.
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cherokeegrrl54 Apr 2019
True words...
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First, he is not doing his sister any favors by making her dependent on family. Depending on her level of Autism there are resources out there for her. She could get training for a job. You have to plan ahead for special needs people. What will happen if Mom and Dad pass? I have been setting up my disabled nephew with "people".

There is another discussion on something similar and the girl is in the same boat as you. Our responses were get out of the relationship. He has pretty much told you what life will be. He comes with baggage. I think you deserve more than he can give u. You should be his #1.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
Right. My issue is there is no end in sight for my boyfriend and I to live our own lives unless his mom remarries and chooses to be responsible for her (nearly) adult daughter and ex-husband.
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It looks like you are having doubts. This is good. Go with your gut. I think you and boyfriend need a long talk. You need you tell him what you have said here. That you want a life with him but...you also want to be #1 and under the circumstances that you feel you won't be. That caring and supporting people not related just doesn't sit well.

Just my opinion. If I was you, worry about getting thru your education. Get a good job and get out on your own. A place where when work is done you can chill out, alone. You need to get away from both situations. You will just be going from the frying pan into the fire.

BF should finish his education. He is going to need to take law boards before he is a lawyer. He may not pass them the first time. When he does, he needs to be hired. Lawyers have long hours. R u willing to come home from work and be a caregiver. Not an easy job.

Give yourself time to "mature". I think because you are looking at this relationship with common sense you are almost there. Women are establishing careers and being on their own before they think of marriage and having children later. You need to enjoy life before making a commitment.

Please, please don't feel its your responsibility to care for your brother. There is another sibling. Your parents did your brother no good by not "pushing" him and finding the resources he needs. Its up to them to find them. He needs to be evaluated and then see Social Services for what is out there for him. If he is mentally or physically challenged, there is a workshop called the ARC. Here is the website

www.thearc.org/find-a-chapter/state-chapters

It gives people jobs and trains them to work at regular jobs. The ARC employees are bused from home to work and back. There are resources ARC can help with. If it wasn't for my SIL, my nephew would not have graduated. She kept on top of him daily. Special needs people need structure. They do better with it. Nephew came to live with my Mom 10 yrs ago. If it was up to her, (looking back she was in early stage of Dementia) he too would be doing nothing. It was me who told him he was not sitting around doing nothing at 19. At 29 he was able to get a voucher and has his own apartment. He has been working at the ARC for 10 yrs. After two years he got vacation and sick time. Since he is on SSD, he gets Medicare and Medicaid. With that and a annuity he receives he is able to pay the rest of his bills. He now has people thru the state who help him. He is signed up with an independent living agency that has taught him to cook, help with transportation and sees him weekly to check in. I have been able to back off a little.
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Frankly, be grateful he is so honest with you.  He will be caretaking one, or other, or all, into the distant future.  You would be second best.  He may be a great person, but he is already "married" to his family.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
Your comment knocked me out by the honesty. I hope I don’t end up wasting my life to give to his family. Do you think there’s a way to do both? Still keep my own life but be with him?
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Reading through your post brought to mind a conversation I had with a co-worker of Japanese background many years ago. She described this kind of thing as traditional - oldest (or only) son was expected to marry a woman who would become essentially mother in law's servant. The idea was to bring domestic labor into the family to provide for the parents' old age.  To be realistic, is labor recruitment good enough for you? You are willing to just become a part of HIS family? You want a family of your own; well you will just be a part of his family, a not terribly respected appendage.   Truthfully, he may be a great guy but he is not willing/ready to enter into a modern adult marriage. He has other commitments.
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BlackHole Apr 2019
“Appendage.” Perfect world choice.
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You don't ever have to take care of your brother. A learning disability is no reason to be a useless burden on your family.

Time to grow up and take responsibility for your future fella.

At my house, you don't work you don't eat. Period. I don't care if you are digging ditches or flipping hamburgers, get a job.

Please don't accept that you have to take responsibility for him because he is a lazy piece of garbage.
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Needadvice7383 Apr 2019
If anything were to happen to my parents, I would have to take care of him in regards to shelter, clothing, and food. No other option is acceptable.
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Oh to be 23 and in love...what a great time and what a confusing time in one's life.

CM, Midkid, Barb, and others have pass on great wisdom, but I want you to look at from another point-of-view. You say you love your BF and I believe you do. But loving someone doesn't mean giving up on your life, dreams or goals. Love does not solve problems, love doesn't resolve all things. If anything love can make things more complicated. Don't get me wrong love can be a great thing!

But really just because you love him and he might love you doesn't mean it is meant to be. You are so young and I know you might think you will never love anyone else the way you love him. But really you will.

I have learned over the years that you can love another. Loving somebody doesn't mean to give up your own life or self. When I was 23 and in love with a beautiful man however he didn't love me as much as I loved him. I was always last in his life and I came to realize on my own that would never change. His mother came first then his work then his friends then me. I decide at that point I could love him from a distance. Love doesn't change people that don't want to be change. I ended things went off and finsh my schooling, had a good career, did some tavelling, and figured out who I wanted to be and what I really wanted in a partner. Then I found a wonderful man that support me in every way, even supports my crazy dreams and goals. We never got married because that wasn't what I wanted but we just celebrated our 17 yrs together this past 4-14-19. He is my best friend; he is the one I want to tell whenever something good or bad happens to me. He is the love of my life and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me and I am the love of his life:)

Just because we love somebody doesn't always mean it is meant to be. I got to live my life my way and well he was/is just became a part of it--a big part of it. We both are very happy.

If being a half of a couple and losing all of you then the price is to high. I think you are starting to realize that. You have plenty of time to figure things out.

By the way, that beautiful man lived with is mother until she passed away a few years back. He never moved out of his childhood home and never got married or got a life partner. He is still at the same place where I left him all those decades ago!
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NeedAdvice7383: I can appreciate that you're in love with him, but you're obviously struggling with a huge dilemma. You've been given a lot of great advise and support, so I'll keep this short. I have a philosophy that has served me well and which has given me an instant answer.

Here it is set for you: If you were to break up with your boyfriend, a month from now, a year, five years from now, what could you regret?

If you were to marry him, a month from then, five years, a decade from then, what could you regret?
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This is about your ‘responsibility’ for your brother. You say “If anything were to happen to my parents, I would have to take care of him in regards to shelter, clothing, and food. No other option is acceptable.” Acceptable to whom? Would you think that it would be unacceptable if he got a job and rented his own place to live? Why shouldn’t he go to a supported employment agency like the one described in an earlier post? Why would it be unacceptable for his welfare to be assessed and supported by the Government in the way for which everyone pays taxes?

I don’t know how your parents conned you into thinking that it is right for them to ‘enable’ your brother and then bequeath the result to you. You are not your parents, and you don’t have to pick up and carry forward any mistakes they have made.

You can see with your BF that picking up fake ‘responsibility’ is not such a bright idea. Perhaps you can see that the reason you are even thinking about it, is because you have already been brainwashed. You have gone from one to the other. If you look after yourself for a while and make a life where you come first, you will be in a better position to join your life with someone who loves you and wants to make a family with you. Perhaps your BF will get the message too.
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Needadvice7383.....I honestly think you have answered your own questions. The wonderful, caring people on this forum have given you honest answers. In all of your responses its mostly about your BFs family....what about YOUR family, mom and dad, and what they may need? Again, my personal opinion is let this go and move forward with your life, finish your education and get established. You are way to young to be dealing with all this drama....perhaps you can step back from your BF and family and clear your head to make decisions thats best for YOU and your happiness......
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