Follow
Share

My mother is in the mid stage of dementia. Long term memory is still fair to good, but short term memory is non-existent. She had a medical emergency and had to have surgery, a hernia that caused a bowel obstruction. The doctors have noticed her declined mental state and are doing everything they can to assist me. I have no POA etc so cannot make decisions for her care. They have recommended Physical Therapy upon release from the hospital to get her strength back up, and mostly to give it a "trial run" so to speak. My sister is furious that the Doctors will not talk to her, Mom never listed her as a person that they could talk to. She feels she should have equal say, she wants to call and pester everyone to confirm all I say is true, but she has yet to make the 3 hour drive to see how mom is doing. She blames me for the Doctors not talking to her and says I want to control everything. Has anyone else ever dealt with a family member like this? Any advice? I have gotten to the point I will not speak to her at all, I let her hear info second hand because I do not want to argue, but I know that is not right either. Any suggestions would be helpful. :)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
You might consider communicating through Caring Bridge, setting up a page for your mother. Daily or weekly or whenever something changes post there. Your sibs can read it if they care to, and so could other relatives and Mom's friends. Everyone hears the same thing. You can write things like "the neurologist today recommended xxx" or "Mom was so funny today. She said ..."

See an attorney who specializes in Elder Law and get advice as to whether Guardian is the best course to pursue at this point. If Sis is going to fight that, you might wind up with a third party appointed. Don't go in saying "I want Guardianship" but asking what the best course would be.

If Mom really is incompetent to the point she cannot understand the concept of POA, then she is not competent to live alone. So doing rehab as a "trial run" for living in a care center might be an excellent move.

Caring for a demented or chronically ill loved one is extremely hard. It is made much harder by not having family support or even having conflict with family. Hang in there! Keep Mother's best interests in mind, and try not to let your bad sib relationships interfere with that goal.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

No my mom lives alone. I have been told that getting her to sign a POA is not longer legal because she is not of sound mind.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I have two brothers as well, they both say that since I have been the one assisting Mom for years that whatever decisions I make are fine. My sis is and "armchair quarterback" as one of the human services people describes her. She wants to bark orders, but doesn't want to play in the game. I am generally a very diplomatic person, except when it comes to her. Bad I know but true.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What are the logistics here? You're near mom, brothers and sisters are not? Any way to call a team meeting and come to an understanding? Also, you may have to go through the guardianship process for her if she is incompetent. Try to get her in rehab for PT. This will give you some time to sort it all out, or fight it out with sis and the bros.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am near Mom, siblings are 3 hours away. One brother is estranged, wants nothing to do with it. Other brother just doesn't give a crap, which is fine. Sister has been to see Mom 2 or 3 times in 5 or 6 years, but wants to have a say. My mom didn't even recognize her the last time they saw one another. She is going to rehab at a nursing home closer to me and it will by me a few weeks at least. I have been working on the guardianship end of things, but time and money have prevented me from starting the process.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What is sisters motive? Is there money she thinks she will miss out on somehow? I realize you're on bad terms with her and not speaking at the moment, but is it even worth trying to have a disscussion with her to settle things, or is she just plum nuts?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You could ask the hodpital about getting emergency guardianship, in order to get mom into rehab.

No, mom can't go home and have rehab,sis. She'd need to have 24/7 care and mom can't afford that. But Medicare will pay in full for 20 days of in facility tehab. Let's do that and see where we are on 20 days".

Under no circumstances move in with mom or allow sis to move in with mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Poa is out of the question because of moms dementia so I am moving forward with the guardianship. My sister can get information from the doctors without me and does plus I set up a caring bridge website that I update daily for everyone. Since I am on Mom's bank accounts I will not have to worry about that. I have already started packing her things and will be putting her stuff in storage within a few weeks hopefully. Now it is just hoping she mends enough physically to get out of the nursing home and into an asisted living.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm glad things are going well. It's too bad your sister was not being helpful. I don't understand her motivation. Is she contesting you becoming guardian?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

She is just plum nuts. ;) For my own mental well being i have chosen to ignore her, but I am just not sure what I can legally prevent. The whole family is of the consensus that she wants to go through Mom's apartment to see what she can get. My sister is a vulture. She has conned one elderly lady she works for into buying her a house, another helped her remodel her house, everything is material to her. I could just cry right now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter