How to make peace that you are your mother’s only caregiver even though you have two siblings (w/ tons of excuses)? How do you not explode?

But YOU made the promise. Did they make the promise too? You told them. I’m sorry but you can’t do that.

I have brothers. One lives 8 hrs away and he and wife work. SIL had BIG problems with her mother. Other brother was going thru a divorce. Neither tried to keep in touch with Mom. Birthdays missed, MDay missed, etc. One SIL was good about Mom but that was before the divorce. So...it was me. I chose not to get mad about it. Its what is is. I have no guilt, I was always there. I knew my limitations so I did have to place my Mom. First an AL then LTC.

We should never promise. You never know what life will bring. I had Mom in my home almost 2 years and just could not do the 24/7 thing and my DH helped. It was like caring for a big toddler that never grows up.

Just be ready when Mom passes, if she has any money, ur siblings will be right there. So, use whatever she has on her.

What promise did you make, and to whom? If you made the ‘golden promise’ to your father about caring for your mother, not letting her go to a care facility, etc etc, you need to rethink it. You need to take care of your mother, but that doesn’t need to mean hands-on 24/7 personal care. It often doesn’t work, including finding that you don’t have the help you expected. If you made the promise to your sisters, on the basis that you would each do a third of the care, it also hasn’t worked, so you simply can’t perform as you expected.

‘Hatred’ and ‘rage’ aren’t doing you any good, and certainly aren’t going to help you ‘make peace’. Your husband hates the sisters too, and if you keep on the same track there is a good chance that he will start to hate you for effectively making him toe your line. You cannot make your sisters toe your line. Did your husband move in with Dad along with you, or has this effectively separated you already?

It’s understandable that you are upset that things haven’t worked out the way you thought they were going to. It would be a good idea to draw a line in the sand and approach the whole thing fresh, knowing a bit more about the resources you all have. This is not the way to go into the future.

I think the problem here is that you "told" them that they had to take turns, instead of asking them if they would or could help you with moms care. And now you're mad at them? I think your anger is misdirected at them, when you're really mad at yourself for now being stuck in this situation, without help from anyone else. Your sisters are living and enjoying their lives, and that is something you should be doing as well.

It sounds like you need to hire some outside help for mom, so you can move out and live your life with your husband, or time to be looking into the appropriate facility for mom to move to. That way you can get your life back, and start enjoying it again. And you can also get back to just being her daughter and not her caregiver. Best wishes.

"I Know I am making this choice".

It's OK to change your mind.
A good care plan should keep being re-evaluated & changed when necessary.

If it's not working for you - start making changes.

"I am trying to keep my promise".
What was your promise? Was it to provide the hands-on care 24/7 by yourself?
(I bet not).

My SIL once promised to care for a relative post surgery then *told* her sibs they *must* help her. She was told (politely) to take a hike.

You decide for YOU only. Would you like it if your sisters started telling you what to do?

Amy I hear you. I get what others have said in response to you but I also get what you are saying. No, you can't make others help and your promise is your promise, not your siblings. But.............and this is a big but. Where's the love? Where's the compassion? It's not a duty thing. It's a love thing. Isn't it?

If your Mother was an evil person then of course no one has an obligation to do anything. You didn't say what kind of person your mom is. But if she was a decent mother who did right by you and your sibs then they should help. They shouldn't need to be asked.

I was pretty much the only one in my family of many sibs who took it all on with my mom. They had their excuses. Careers, families etc. My opinion on all that is if you have time to still get your nails done, work out, etc. then you have time to help your mom. My sister, the odd time she did show up was groomed to the max, fresh haircut, immaculate nails. So, I thought, don't give me that crap that you don't have time. You had time for all that.

So Amy I do get it. My mom passed six and a half years ago but if I ponder it too long I get angry about how my siblings were. I've forgiven cause it's important for your own mental health to forgive but I haven't forgotten. I've lost a lot of respect for my sibs. That won't change.

Forgive them for your own mental health Amy. Continue to do the right thing by your mom if you can. Don't expect anything from anyone else.

"You have to be kidding me? Should I have said I spoke to them ? Discussed with them?
shat nonsense."

Yes you should have. Would you like to have been volunTOLD to do something you were not comfortable with or possibly incapable of doing? Unless your siblings made the same promise then backed out....you have no one to be mad at except yourself for having unrealistic expectations of others.

Another vote that you should have discussed it with your sisters. You can't control the actions of others, only your own actions.

I hope you have POA/HCPOA. Use your mother's money to hire help. If she needs someone there 24/7 (which she probably does w/severe dementia), it is probably time for facility placement.

I understand your resentment; I truly do. And always in the back of my mind is the thought that just how great a mother was she if only one sib wants to help? She raised them to be that way, after all.

You will kill yourself, literally, with the stress you are under. Did you know that up to 40% of the caregivers of elders w/dementia die before the elder? Are you truly okay with being a martyr when you don't have to be one?

If the agreement isn't in place before you move in it makes things complicated. If you live there, where are you going when they take their turn (assumption here is that you were looking for shared 24 hour care and not respite care) Did you have responsibilities that were dropped in order to move there? Do they have responsibilities they can't drop? What expectations of help do you have for them? How many hours a week or month did you want their help? Would you be primary and them secondary? What is the back up if YOU get sick?
There are tons of questions that need to be asked AND answered before a single sibling moves in to care for a shared parent. Once a sibling is installed full time in the home it is very easy for the other siblings to assume that one is in charge and will ask for help if they need it. And will be specific about the kind of help they need.
If you didn't set something up that everyone agreed to before moving in there are too many questions unanswered.
Each person has free will. They are not required to help provide hands on care simply because you agreed to it. Helping your parent doesn't always equate to hands on care. Sometimes it includes choosing the safest and best care option for your parent's needs. And if you need help and your siblings are unable or unwilling to help maybe it is time to think about your own limitations and where you made a promise and are trying to make a specific solution fit to keep it. Are there other options for you and for your LO that would keep the promise of taking care of them?

You decide that your siblings are adults and free to make their own choices just as you are. It may not be right or fair or ethical or any other thing you can call it, but it’ll always remain their choice just as it’s your choice to provide care. Spending your time being angry and bitter isn’t affecting them one bit, it’s only tearing you apart and making you unhealthy. I totally misquote the Frozen movie all the time but Let it Go. And decide how to help yourself in this caregiving role, what steps you can take to make it better. Can you hire a part time helper? Is mom eligible for any help you haven’t explored? Can you make meals ahead and freeze them? Would a walk around the block to take a break be helpful? Is honoring a promise becoming too much?

If I had a dime for everytime I heard this scenario, I'd own a bank. My family members do this too and come up with every ridiculous excuse in the book as to why they can't do something to give me respite:

"Our car/SUV/ truck is too high for Grandma to get in/out of."
"We are too busy" (such a BS excuse, anyone can be "busy"!)
"I have a dog and cat to take care of at home, I can't spend an hour with Grandma"

But you know what though? The ugly truth is, they don't *want* to do it. As other posters have already said, it is a choice. They just choose not to do it for whatever reason, valid or not. Unfortunately, you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do, and vice versa, they cannot force you to do anything either.

You have a choice, too. You can choose to look into a home health aide to give you respite, or quite possibly a nursing facility. Not sure what your circumstances are, but I would place bets that you have options for help with care that would give you something of a break.

- Contact your local office for aging/elderly to see what kind of help they can offer.
- local adult day programs
- care.com offers caregiving for elderly/disabled
- this site also has a "Find Care" feature.
- contact medicare/medicaid to see what they offer for respite services.
- check local bulletin boards in local libraries, supermarkets, places of worship, or anywhere public for postings on caregiving. I've seen a few at my local church from time to time.
- If you have a room to spare in your home, you may want to consider renting it out to someone in exchange for caregiving help. Extra money coming in, help for you and your loved one, reduced rent for the tenant in question, everyone wins.

Promises are all well and good; life has a way of intervening in all this. Things change. Nothing is static. I think you identified it perfectly when you said "How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years". I think basically to understand that it was your choice, that you made your own choice from the best intentions and with the best information available. Then to recognize your rage is telling you that you have reached the point where you must accept your own human limitations. This has little to do with your sisters. You cannot/you will not ever change them. Allowing yourself to blame them may be somehow a comfort, but the fact is you have grieving to do about the fact that you are smack up against the choice to sacrifice your own life or to live your own life. You may need professional help a few visits to comb out what you life is going to look like moving forward. Discuss with your husband. Leave your sisters out of it. They don't figure in this. They have already made their choices. I am so sorry. Not everything has a fix-it that prevents grief and sadness. I wish you the very best going forward.

I am an only child, so I have no siblings to share in the burden it's been to deal with my folks' issues since they moved here in 2011 to be closer to me. I've managed their entire lives ever since.

The hatred you feel for your two siblings is misguided, I think.........it's more the rage of the years you feel you've lost by care giving. I understand. I have days where the resentment is SO huge that it overpowers me. Yesterday was one of those days, and my mother lives in Memory Care 4 miles away. My father died in 2015. And I STILL feel tremendous resentment over the fact that I don't have ONE day in my LIFE where I'm not dealing with my toxic mother who does everything she possibly can to drive me crazy. She sometimes succeeds, too.

I made the choice to have my parents move back here in 2011 to be close to me.
I made the choice to take over the management of their lives, too.
I also made the choice to place both of them in Assisted Living when their care needs became greater than they could manage themselves in Independent Living.

Because I am only one human being, as you are, with limitations and a life of my own. In fact, I remarried in 2009, a mere 2 years before the folks moved back here and took over BOTH of our lives. I seriously doubt my husband signed up for the craptastic life that awaited him, little did he know. He doesn't even complain very often; he just does what he can to help me, all the moves, all the stress, all the hospitalizations, the rehabs, the chaos in general. And he holds me when I cry.

I wish I had some wise words for you about how to get rid of the rage. I don't. All I can tell you is to forget about 'promises' made long ago. Things change, especially where elder care is involved. Severe dementia is normally something you CANNOT deal with alone at home. This is why Memory Care ALs are popping up like flowers on every street corner. Because it's just too much for us mere mortals to endure. I could never do it, and that's the truth. One phone call or one window visit with my 94 y/o mother is enough to aggravate me for hours afterward.

Accept a NEW choice now. A choice to look into Memory Care for your mom and to give her a new way of life in managed care, and to give YOU a new life that has nothing to do with care giving. Go back to being a daughter again instead. You deserve to.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Amy, I'm just posting to agree that your sisters should have been asked first and you would have needed to genuinely accept their decision. No one should be "assumed" into an obligation. I get that their lack of interest or understanding is shocking to you. It has shocked many of us in our own families. You can try to suggest other ways for them to help, but if you get the same response, then I'd stop asking them for anything. Move forward and run the show as you please if you are your mom's only durable PoA. Please be realistic that you may need outside relief soon, for your own health and wellbeing. You asked, "How do I let go of the rage ..."? Someone once told me the bare-bones definition of anger is that it comes from an unmet expectation. You expected your sisters to feel and behave like you. Now you know truth and reality. Make a decision to either own everything that comes with being the sole caregiver or some hybrid arrangement. Just don't look towards your sisters and don't burn any bridges with them -- it is totally possible that one or both of them may have an awakening and their willingness may kick in. Just don't expect it. May you gain peace in your heart and forgiveness towards your sisters.

Amy, I hear you. I had the same problem with my siblings. When you married your husband, you promised to honor and love him through sickness and in health. You started a new family at that point. Your priority is your husband, not your mother. You can move your mom into a care home, but you can't replace your husband. Your mother's health is only going to deteriorate and your siblings are not likely to step up and help. Please give some thought as to what your priorities are.

Dear Amy, I experienced a similar situation with my sibling. I begged for help, wanted to share responsibility. But no I got every excuse imaginable. Mom wanted to be with me too. Be very careful, I read that you can get a caregivers contract on this site. I wish I had found this out earlier. Mom’s
good intentions were to pass on everything to avoid probate. The only problem was that my sibling kept half of the life insurance that she knew was intended for burial. There was no estate to pay for the funeral. She never called me until after the funeral asking about money and asking why I did this or that. In the end I felt beaten and I am still ill from the stress. My husband warned me so many times not to trust my sibling. He also was also a great helper me and Mom. My intentions are to warn you to get the right advice now. I kept almost every promise an honored my Mom’s wishes. I feel good and rewarded about that. It is not as much about the money loss, but more about being used and manipulated by my sibling for free 24/7 care. Then I felt anger and hatred towards her after Mom’s passing. Please get advice from an elder care attorney, if possible. God bless you and keep you strong for your difficult journey.

Amy, I too have anger and resentment towards my siblings. There are many scenarios that can bring us to that place of resentment. I highly suspect that many of those who immediately like to point it that it was YOUR CHOICE to take on the caring and that your siblings have a right to their own CHOICE haven't been in OUR position, and don't really understand why it hurts so much and then turns to anger and even rage.

My mother is a life long narcissist and damaged all 3 of her kids in significant ways. I was the one who was groomed since childhood to feel responsible for my mother, under any condition. I remember bringing a date over to my parents house many years ago in my early 20's for a small party when my dad was still alive. We were having social drinks but my mom went overboard and was passing out in her chair. I was so embarrassed. I forget where my dad was, but I had to go over and coax my mom upstairs to first the bathroom so she wouldn't wet the bed from being so drunk, again, and then put her to bed.

The next day I saw her and tried to have a gentle conversation about how her drinking like that and me having to take her to bed made me extremely uncomfortable in front of my date. My mom flew into a RAGE and actually told me that I should be HONERED to help her to bed. Yes, she meant it. That is the kind of mother I grew up with.

I could relay many stories. The point is when my mom started wanting help the calls about "needing" to move near me started. I did move her, but I hate the word "choice" when I know full well I was manipulated big time, extremely anxious and unfortunately too weak to resist it. It's like saying someone chooses to be a victim of abuse. I also didn't know she had dementia, which as we know changes everything.

The first year and a half I gave my siblings a pass on being uninvolved. I understood why they didn't want to be around my mom. NONE of us do.

But going into year 2 and now 3, MY life has been so ruined by this, like you say the time lost from living my own life is time I will never get back. I feel like I've aged 10 years in 3 because of the stress. I have NOT badgered my siblings, but they know full well that I am suffering, pretty much daily, dealing with OUR mother.

My anger is because they have abandoned ME. Forget my mom, they don't care that I am suffering so much, and I've never been anything other that supportive to my siblings throughout our lives. Often being the first one called when help was needed, and I showed up for them both, many times.

Now I need them, just for moral support if nothing else, and neither show up. That's what hurts. They barely call my mom and when they do they just appease her, including when she complains about me.

I will never see them in the same light again. I'm angry and I feel like I have a right to be. This isn't about them and my mom, it's about them and ME.

I'm sorry you are struggling, and not getting any support from your siblings. The only advice I have is to try and take care of yourself the best you can, so you survive this journey with your mom, including when and if that journey means placing your mom into care. You will have a life after this, and your anger will probably wane, which will be good for you. That's what I'm hoping for, even though I know my relationship with my siblings will never be the same.

Good luck.

I could go on and on regarding this topic but here’s something that helps me a LOT; exercise. In particular, cardio kickboxing. The place I go to ( went to, it’s online now due to covid ) has full sized standing bags that you can punch and kick as hard as you please. I have found it impossible to try to morph my anger into something else so instead I use it as fuel for these workouts. It’s been most satisfying and you can really get in shape this way! Recently the martial arts school loaned out these huge bags to the students so I now have one in my house.

Doesn’t have to specifically be kickboxing, but you get the idea. Fyi I call my big loaner martial arts bag, “ The Therapist”. It is, too!!

It's hard to get rid of the anger that you have over your siblings and their "choice" to not help at all with your parents' caregiving. Sometimes it's not possible to get rid of the anger and resentment. Yes, you chose to be the caregiver, but you also get the option of the same choice as your siblings which is to not be a caregiver. I think it's extremely cruel of parents to make their kids promise not to put them in a nursing home. They assume that their adult kids will just give up their lives to become slaves to their needs. That is wrong.
I totally understand what you're going through with siblings who won't lift a finger to help with the care. The ones who never help are always the first ones in line when it's time to inherit though. If you're keeping your mom out of a nursing home, then you need something in writing saying that you get compensated the caregiving. As for that rage you feel about losing so many years. Forgive yourself for having the rage. It's time to put your father's wife in a nursing home and take back your life. If you continue to be her caregiver that rage and resentment about all the years you put in will only grow bigger until it becomes your life.

People do what they can/will do. There's nothing you can say that'll change them.

The most important thing to do is realize your anger and resentment affect you, not them, so why damage yourself? Don't waste brain cells on them anymore and just take that monkey off your back.

There is one thing some of us are overlooking, I forgot to mention in my post. It is easy to say, put your Mother in a nursing home, but with Covid you may not be able to visit. It was suggested that I put my Mom in a nursing home, but I would have never seen her again. That was not an option for me. I was so lucky that FL allowed me to visit her in the hospital and then hospice, where she passes after 24 hours.

It is usually one person who is left to do all the care. Been there, done that.
You cannot force others to do caregiving.

I won’t have anything to do with my younger sibling who cut my mother off when my dad died. My mum wouldn’t let her control the money. I cared for my mother for 13 years. My older sister and I had a huge blow up when she finally showed up when my mother died. She had every excuse why she never contributed, never visited, never helped. Our relationship is better now but I always know she’s never going to be there for me.

I'm an only child, so I was the sole (kid) caregiver for my dad who had COPD, and then my mom who developed Alzheimer's 9 years later. When my mom was totally "sane" I told her how if I had a brother or sister, they could help me with my dad. (I said this 1 day after working, going to visit my father in rehab (to improve his lung function) going to a doctor's visit myself, and being exhausted. She said that I was such a nice daughter, that I'd want to visit my dad often, which I did, but it would have been nice having someone help shoulder the burden, but I know many people who have siblings and they don't help, either because they don't live close, or because of other issues and/or excuses. I even wrote a book dealing with my husband and I taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." It doesn't address your issue specifically, but it might provide some humor, insights and advice. I know someone who is 1 of 4 siblings, but he took the lion's share of responsibility with his mom, for a variety of reasons. It was very hard to, as the movie song said, "Let it go," in terms of the unfairness of carrying most of the load, so he just did the best he could, for family harmony.

I am touched by the kind and valuable advice people have shared here. My situation is different but essentially the same--kind of thinking they all are essentially the same. My decision was that if he wasn't going to be involved, I don't have to get my brother's advice and/or approval for any decisions I make, nor will I have to make him happy with outcomes. And yes will spend 95-year old mother's money on caretakers because I'm not able nor willing to do everything. My dad passed 3 weeks ago after 4 years in a nursing home. Any regrets over what I had to do to take care of him are totally overshadowed by my happiness I got to do those things. Which regrets can you not live with? Thank you everyone! For 2021: be well, be kind, be bold.

I wish it could be broadcast everywhere on the planet:
ONE PERSON CANNOT DO IT ALL!

Based on Amy's one response that it is "nonsense to have to ask her sisters" about caring for the mother, I'm thinking she doesn't want to hear what most posters here have said. That is it was her choice for herself (as she realizes) and she is wanting a certain behavior from her sister's which is not her choice. She professes hatred towards them for having made that choice. She needs the help of a professional to sort this out and to stop hating someone's choices that she has no control over. When we have expectation of others that we wish we could control but can't , it is a recipe for disappointment. So Amy, lose that and see a therapist. And make plans to get this mother help by others and begin letting go of some sort of promise you made that you regret. Promises can be renegotiated ...it happens all the time.

I hope you can move forward to a more comfortable mental and emotional position. Perhaps my resolution for sibs who would not help would give you another way to look at it. I sat before a mirror one day and asked myself this question: "Would you resent taking total responsibility for Mom if you were her only child?" My answer was, "No, I would not be resentful." It brought me great peace to deliberately ignore my judgement that the others SHOULD help. They never did. My peace comes from knowing that I did my best. You sound like a very loving person, and I feel sure you will find your way to peace because you are doing your best.

I am in the same position as you. I cycle between anger to rage to acceptance, back to rage then acceptance, etc... I try to accept that my sibs have checked out, knowing that I'll pick up the slack. I really think that if they just acknowledged the situation, maybe thanked me once in a while, that would mean the world to me. One bro does offer gratitude to me for all I do for mom and it really softens my heart. Good luck. I'm in there with you.

It is very hard to do it alone, i hire people as needed. My sibs ask how things are from time to time. I tell them fine. The upside is I handle my mom, and her house however I see fit without discussion or drama. Think of it as a blessing your sibs are out of the loop.