I have been my mothers caregiver for 13.5 years with absolutely no help the last 5 after my father died. i give up my career and house to move 1000 miles to bum f***k alabama to care for my mom full time after a stroke left her paralyzed. I love my mom more than anything she was my best friend and the absolute best mom growing up she and dad gave me the whole world. My life has revolved around her for the best years of my life i have a 6 year old son and a husband that try’s to be understanding. she was hospitalized in january with mrsa in her blood 2 utis pneumonia and tge enzymes from a heart attack. she was hospitalized 9 days we didn’t know minute to minute if she was going to live i stayed 12 hrs a day and paid a friend to do 12 overnight i just haven’t bounced back from that hospital stay. my mom also has middle stage dementia from the stroke so that adds a layer of shittyness to this journey. I still get out of bed to get my son off to school and feed and clean and medicate my mom but then i go back to sleep on the couch until i have to get up and do lunch for her and my husband then it’s back to the couch until i pick my son up from school i’m then back on the couch until i have to clean her med her and start dinner we eat and the. i feed her i’m in bed by 7 it’s the weekend and i wanted to take my son to the lake but couldn’t bring myself to get off the couch. i can’t even find the energy to sweep the kitchen floor i’m dreading cooking dinner and counting the hrs until i can get back in bed i dread getting up in the morning to do it all over again i absolutely hate my life and just wish i didn’t wake up. my poor mother husband and son are all suffering because i can’t function. i have a psychologist and a psychiatrist and am on meds but nothing is helping i smoke 2 packs a day i’ve gained 40 lbs my body aches always i don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and even if there’s a light i don’t know if i will ever mentally recover. my husband doesn’t understand the amount of stress im under 24/7 or that i want to run away. that i wish i just wouldn’t wake up. but though all this a nursing home isn’t an option i couldn’t live with myself and finically it would ruin me. she makes to much to qualify for help and to little to pay out of pocket we live in her house and sold ours we would loose this house and be homeless my poor husband gave up his career making 109k to move with me and now make aroun 30k we can’t afford to loose her income so i’m 10000000 percent stuck she is on hospice so i no longer have to take her to dr appointments than god i rather cut a leg off than get her dressed and loaded in a car to sit for hours waiting to see the dr. but i still have a hard time in the day to day caring for everyone except myself shoot i’m so depressed i don’t even brush my teeth everyday or my hair i just don’t know what to do
You and your husband made some really bad choices by him giving up a nice salary for a much much lower one and for you giving up your life and happiness and sanity to care for your mother.
But you can't turn the clock back now.... you can only move forward and try and make better choices going forward.
And if your mother can't afford to be placed then you need to apply for Medicaid for her, as you are NOT responsible to pay for any care for her.
You say that none of your therapy is helping and I can understand why. You've bitten off way more than you can chew, and instead of spitting out some of it out, you keep trying to keep it all in your mouth.
By staying in the situation that you're now in you are not only hurting yourself, but also your young son and husband.
And speaking of your husband, you don't say much about him helping at all in this very stressful situation, so I can only guess that he isn't much help and is instead adding more stress to your already heavy load. Am I right?
YOU NEED HELP, before it's you that's dying and leaving that precious son of yours behind without his mother. Then what?
Please talk to your mothers hospice agency about getting her placed in the appropriate facility, so you can come up for air before it's too late. They will help you.
I am quite sure that your mother would not want your physical and mental health suffering because of her, so PLEASE start taking better care of yourself.
Start with small things like brushing your teeth and hair and then start putting on some make-up and taking a walk around the block a few times. You might be surprised by doing just little things how they can slowly but surely improve your mental attitude.
You matter too in this equation and until you realize that, nothing will ever change.
Praying for God to open your eyes to the worth you have as His child and that He will give you the strength to do what you know needs to be done.
I won’t tell you to stop smoking even though it’s bad for you because I know you likely can’t deal with that right now.
..it sounds to me like you're suffering from extreme caregiver burnout, with justifiable situational depression. I don't think you're having a mental breakdown, and you see your own no-win circumstances very clearly. But you're "beyond the beyond" with physical and mental exhaustion from caregiver burnout. I'm glad you're getting some mental support from professionals - that's a big plus for protecting yourself from the edge.
In terms of finding a way out of these circumstances:
1-it sounds like your mother will die at some point soon because she's on hospice. That will relieve you of the caregiving role exhaustion, but it will increase your stress for your family financially (and you will be grieving for your mother, too).
2- I'm guessing because you have a 6 yr old son that you and your husband are still young enough to get jobs. That's the priority. Your husband should get a job now and save as much as possible. You'll probably need to continue caregiving until your mom passes. Don't blame yourself for your couch routine, not your fault and it can't be helped at this point. (Do exercises etc but I'm guessing you can't muster up the energy to do that yet.)
3- Start thinking, dreaming and brainstorming with your husband now about where you'd like your family to live (not Alabama if possible) after your mother dies. Start putting together a simple plan involving jobs for you and your husband that will get your family relocated to where you want to be. Probably will need to be a 2-3 year plan to fully execute.
Again, the emphasis hinges on Husband getting job NOW for savings account. Then you get a job after you recover from caregiver burnout after your mother passes. Housing solutions will get easier when you're both employed. In the interim deal with social services of every kind to stabilize where you can live safely until you can afford more options.
It won't be easy. But at least you'll be living in the solution instead of living in the problem.
You're among so many, many others in this country that are scrambling for solutions and trying to function while locked in caregiver overwhelm mode. There is a way forward for you, and it's doable. I think your depression and exhaustion will start to lift as you start implementing the steps of a plan.
Good luck and please keep us posted on how things are going.
P.S. I just read funkygrandma's posting and she had an excellent suggestion. Get your mother on Medicaid and admitted into a care facility for hospice IMMEDIATELY.
Also just because someone is under hospice care doesn't mean that they will die any time soon. My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life and I know there are others on this forum whose loved ones were under hospice care even longer than that.
This OP needs to get her mom placed in the appropriate facility before she ends up dying before her mom.
You're right - I missed seeing that husband now has a low paying job. He needs to find a different job asap that gets him back to the income level he previously had.
I also agree 100% that the mother needs to get into a care facility immediately on Medicaid.
best,
Lost
Well then, you’re not going to live much longer as it is. You’re going to leave a husband and son behind because you think all nursing homes are hellholes. Problem is, you’re already living in a hellhole. Your husband and son are already going it alone.
Place mom where she gets the care she needs, or you will literally die keeping this up.
Not much I can say other than you and your husband HAVE to reevaluate your options because you could be dead soon.
Hugs.
You need to put your mother on Medicaid and into a hospice home that takes Medicaid.
Your mother can go into care while still owning a home and a car, even if she herself is out of funds. While there you can stay in her home to caretake, and pay the taxes, etc.
Medicaid will have a clawback claim on that home after her death when it is sold from her estate.
You and your husband will, of course, have to return to the old working life, but luckily right now in our economy there are jobs. This is option A and I honestly cannot see another really decent choice.
There's sure no cure for some things, such as smoking, other than the same old thing that got ME over smokes. That would be stopping over and over and over until it takes. No magic want. I never found medications worked.
I am glad you are seeking help and are taking medications for what seems to be severe clinical depression. Whether or not they are giving you adequate or any relief is for discussion with your doctors.
As someone with a daughter who suffered with clinical depression for some decades I know that IS a struggle, and the juggling medications until one better than the others is found, is tough.
You say some things here that aren't making a whole lot of sense to me. Such as "we cannot afford to lose her income". If you are telling me that you are using your mother's income, have moved in with her and BOTH given up your jobs, I don't quite know how to respond, because in the next breath you have told us your mom is on Hospice. That income will go up in smoke. In the meanwhile there isn't a way to "legally" use your mother's income for yourself.
Your story here is very common on AC. Most who give up their homes and their jobs to move into their parent's homes to give care actually do end up homeless, jobless and without an income or place to live. We have in the past told people that there isn't much for them to do, after the decisions they made, but to start at the shelter level and work their way back up.
Not everything can be fixed, and this has happened over time, one decision at a time. That's the only way it can be reversed.
Whether that happens with placement, good jobs for the two of you, or the death of your mom, an inheritance of her home, and still being faced with finding those jobs back, I think that the way it will happen is again, one step at a time, as best as you can to mend and repair the slide you took down.
I am so sorry for your pain. I wish you luck.
You get her on a waiting list in a facility that will meet her needs.
I will tell you the waiting lists are L O N G... so placing her will not happen fast.
In the meant time you HAVE to get help.
If mom is getting any income you use that to pay for caregivers.
You contact your local Senior Service Center and see if she qualifies for any services that will help.
You contact YOUR doctor and tell them that you need to talk to a therapist. YOU need to talk to someone that will help you see what your priorities are.
A facility that will meet her needs IS still taking care of her.
You will not last long at the rate you are going. Who is going to take care of you and your family?
There are statistics that indicate that upwards of 50% of caregivers die BEFORE the person they are caring for. Do you want to be one of those statistics?
Agreed, there probably aren't many job openings located in dumbf**k alabama that pay well. I'm thinking either a second part-time job for Hubby locally, or get a remote job (try Indeed.com website for remote listings).
What was hubby doing previously that paid over $100K? He must have some marketable skills. Or perhaps he should relocate now to another place that has good job opportunities, and he could live there in a cheap rental....would the poster miss his presence in dumbf**k that much during the week?
And you can get paid to care for her as well
If mom is competent to make decisions you can have a Caregiver Contract done that will pay you for your caregiving. That along with having caregivers come in at least 3 times a week for 6 to 8 hours a day will truly help your sanity.
The drama of " I could not live with myself for placing her" is not the issue, it is that you need her money to survive.
Her money stream is not the answer, her money is for her, not you. You are wanting to protect her money so you can live off of it when she dies....an inheritance is a gift...certainly not a given.
This is very common here on AC, time to make a new plan to get back on your feet, support yourself, and get on with your life.
And, you said that your mother has income, so take some burden off of yourself and use some income for bringing in a caregiver for even a few hours a day for two or three days a week. Also, bring a housekeeper in to clean biweekly. Send out your laundry - it's very inexpensive. Order groceries online to deliver to your house. There are ways to make your everyday life easier to a degree. And give yourself praise for everything you do for yourself - such as after brushing your teeth and brushing your hair. The longer you go on allowing yourself to sink, the harder it is to come out of the abyss. So start small and try to continue building the momentum. Be kind to yourself.
Wondering, you hadn't mentioned your mother's age....how old is she currently?
Wishing you strength and better days to come~
Once in a NH all her needs will be met. She will have a small amount of her SS go into a Personal Needs Acct. This can be used for clothing, her hair cut, snacks, etc.
You are burned out. You need to place Mom. Your son deserves a Mom.