87 year old MIL who has mild/moderate dementia moved in to live with us a month ago. The same sequence of events happens every weekend:
1) I tell husband I want to bring our kid to the park
2) husband says he wants to come too
3) husband asks grandma if she would like to come she says no (she needs a rollator to walk, and sits in the sofa whole day)
4) we go out and come home to grandma throwing fits saying she wants to die, she has plotted how to die, how much husband owes her, how could he treat her so badly after all that she has done for him, etc.
During weekdays my husband stays with her at home the whole day.
Our kid goes to the daycare, I go to my work place to minimize contact with her. At first she demanded (through my husband) that after our kid and I returned home we should have dinner in the living room (where she sits) instead of the dining room. I complied. Then it was to stay in the living room all the time when we are at home. I complied too. Then it was I need to talk to her more. I said no to my husband after he repeatedly talked to me about this. Then came this morning when MIL refused to get out of bed, until my husband got me to go to her room to listen to her usual "I want to die", this time it is caused by how much I disrespect her.
I really don't want a relationship with MIL. I don't want to run around satisfying her every whim like my husband. I want to reserve my precious time and energy for my kid. However, I'm pretty sure she won't back off. She will only get angrier if I carry on with the current way of no response.
What would you do if you were in my place?
I would sit down with my husband (and a professional psychologist or Licensed Social Worker as therapist if I am having problems communicating with him) and have a full discussion of what our lives are like now, of how it is working for us, of how much worse it may soon become, and of what our plans are for placement or NOT of MIL. If the husband will not place her in facility care under any circumstances I would tell my husband that I will be getting my own apartment and would like a legal separation now, and that I will support him when I am able, as I feel I am mentally/physically/emotionally able to help.
Would tell him "Sorry; this is a deal breaker for me. I understand you are torn, and feel in the middle having to make a choice; but the truth is that if the choice is not me, I will be moving on, no fault against you".
It is not healthy (very unhealthy) that a person with dementia is allowed to control a household. by any means. It is not healthy for anyone to come into your home and make these kind of demands. You and your husband, with professional help, need to set boundaries and also draw up plans for moving mil to a facility. So she gets angry? What's new?
It is not fair on your child to be brought up in a household with these dynamics, nor good for him/her to see that dad caves into mils demands and that your needs are not met.
I hope you realize, and your hub comes to realize that it doesn't matter how much anyone does for mil - it will never be enough.
Sounds like hub is a people pleaser - or is it just with mil?
What would I do?
- have a discussion with hub re setting boundaries
- resuming your home lifestyle as before.
- don't cave to mil's anger or to your husband caving to mil
- go to counselling yourself
- ask hub to join you in counselling if he will not set proper boundaries with mil
- if hub is not willing to make changes, take your child and separate from him and mil.
This situation is intolerable.
Wishing you all the best. Let us know how things go.
If I were you? I would take my Husband out to dinner & have a heart to heart about finding the right care for his Mother.
That in order to keep good relationships in our family, she will need to live elsewhere. That I will help him locate a place & visit her as DIL.
That dementia is a progressing life-limiting disease. That it is indeed sad she will decline. She will need a team of caregivers, round the clock eventually. To attemp this himself will be to neglect his family, his financial obligations & his children's needs.
That he will still be a 'good son' if she lives elsewhere.
Anyway that's a starter..
(I painted a less than rosy future for my DH of him living in MIL's garage, to gain some peace from the 24hr demands & instructions on how to do everything from his sister while I took the kids & moved far away. His face said it all).
MIL no longer rules her house. She may feel in the way in yours?
Her limited mobility means she feels she is missing out on any fun times. Is too old, useless. She uses the death talk to gain some positive attention. Or will get increasingly clingy with your husband.
In Assisted Living/MC she will have activities she CAN do, for her age, mobility & memory/cognition. It encorouages feeling ABLE - instead of DISabled.
I think I have underestimated the seriousness of the problem.
I just came home to a grandma who told my kid her son locked her up.
She said the food I cooked is not meant for her so she ate the bananas. She wanted to go out on the street to be on her own. She wanted to smash the windows.
The thing is she does have some mental problem. She has been taking antidepressant her whole life, she was once admitted to psych ward. Recently she had a delirium episode in the hospital and it took 5-6 people to restrain her (she weighs 200 pounds). I'm terrified she will hit my kid. Maybe that's how she always gets her way, by acting crazy. I don't know...
Dementia/severe mental illness and children do not mix, in my opinion.
Also important to note that child protective services may become involved if violence is a problem in your home. Maybe your husband will be less reluctant to take action if he realizes this.
Was this a temporary emergency solution after a hospital stay? Or discussed as a permanent arrangement?
What are your Husband's views about housing his Mother?
This is a permanent solution. She was living alone in Canada with helpers that came few times a week. Around Christmas she had a fall and was sent to the hospital where she went berserk. She scored well enough in the test so was not diagnosed with dementia earlier. But this time a doctor told husband "you know she has dementia don't you". He decided then that she can no longer live alone. She refused to go to a facility and husband is afraid people there will treat her badly because she can be violent. She kicked nurses and tore down curtains while in the hospital. Now that she is in the US she has no insurance as a Canadian, so nursing home is completely out of the picture due to the high cost...
If you don't do it, Child Protective Services will.
And do not accept discharge.
1. You & your child are people!!!
2. Residential care has staff trained with any behaviours of concern due to dementia.
3. Medication is usually trialled if necessary.
I know it's his Mother. But seriously, he needs to put his wife & child first.
I second calling 911 for ANY violence & get this woman the help she needs.
Is there a relative you & your child can go stay with?