I am in the UK and we are now being told to stay home but are not on total lockdown yet. I just don't know how I'm going to survive being isolated with my 93 year old mum who lives with me. I've coped with it the past 3 years by going out for a few hours and getting away from her as she has caused me awful depression. But just the thought of having no escape from her and not being able to see friends and my children and grandchildren is just awful. Having my mum live with me has been a huge mistake and has affected my health both mentally and physically and I'm so worried that being with her 24/7 for weeks is going to finish me off!!!! HELP!!! How can I get through this???
How are you feeling today?
Thinking of you
& a bed to sleep in . You’re able to have a safe place to stay. You don’t have to be perfect in the caregiver role...just keep her clean, comfortable & give her drink & food if she gets hungry or thirsty. You’re not responsible for entertainment! Take care of yourself too. This too shall pass.
Hugs 🤗
I went through the same situation and feelings with my 91 yr old mom. One day she didn’t feel so good and we took her to the hospital. Two weeks later she passed (Mar 10) just as the country was being locked down. There are some excellent suggestions here on how to stay busy but I think your first focus should be on your thought processes. We are in control of our thoughts and our thoughts control our emotions. Keep reminding yourself that what you’re doing for your mum is the most important thing you have to do at this time in your life and afterward you will be able to get on with your own life.
Ive cried, become sullen, been angry, felt unloved and used but always reminded myself that there was going to be “life after mom”, I just didn’t expect it so soon. Now this is the hardest pill to swallow but be grateful for the time you have left with her. Journaling helped me a lot because I could let it all out, cleansed of all the sadness and bitterness. Good luck.
with love and light
Sabrina
SO- take her there and let her select a room she likes--- as you go-- furnish it when she is at her meals. Just tell her the truth-- that you need a rest as well. Be honest. If she has dementia like my Mother did--- do the royal redirection! If she does not-- get some help... a Pastor's wife AND the church secretary. After a while she will be utterly astounded and rave about all the new friends she has to sit, eat with, and have wonderful, fulfilling conversations, as well as watch their favourite movies et al. Tirah !
Say the Lord's Prayer:
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever.
In the name of Jesus thy Son, Amen.
Read the 23 Psalm:
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
2 He lets me rest in green pastures.
He leads me to calm water.
3 He gives me new strength.
He leads me on paths that are right
for the good of his name.
4 Even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will not be afraid,
because you are with me.
Your rod and your shepherd’s staff comfort me.
5 You prepare a meal for me
in front of my enemies.
You pour oil of blessing on my head;[a]
you fill my cup to overflowing.
6 Surely your goodness and love will be with me
all my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
Sing good songs.
Smile!
Rejoice in the Lord and give Him thanks. It's like counting your blessings. When you look for them you find them, so look for good things, not troubles or fears.
I'm praying for you!
Do you have wi-fi and an Ipad or smartphone? There are lots of calming relaxing
music websites, if you can't go outside at times. Sometimes just listening to soothing music during your "me time" may help you get through and bring down the anxiety.
Sending you hugs, "we're all in this together" too.
I'm from New York in the States, which is right now unfortunately the new epicenter of the pandemic. Trying to explain to her that we have to ration things like paper towels, why I'm working from home everyday, why everything is shut down, why the stores are all empty... it's wearing down my nerves! And like you, my options are all shut down because of this- no friends, nowhere to go, contact is all done through cellphones and computer. It's hard.
The one thing keeping me sane through all of the insanity is the fact that's it is all temporary. We shall get through this. And how do we get through this? By other means of escape:
- walking around the neighborhood when possible
- reading
- watching movies or TV shows
- coloring
- listening to music
- gardening
- meditation. there's some great free YouTube videos
- workout at home (again YouTube)
- Yoga (YouTube- "Yoga With Adrienne" has a great beginner's video- no equipment needed! It's easy, fun and helped me get in shape.)
- Journaling. I'm a big fan of this and do it every day. It's been a lifesaver!
- Virtual hangout with friends via Zoom or FaceTime.
- Make art. Pick up a pen or pencil and just start drawing anything.
- anything you have been wanting to do or learn, but never had time before.
The trick to it all is to redirect your focus to something positive and take your mind off all the bad stuff.
Hang in there. Sending you (and everyone out there) socially distanced hugs and prayers! It will all be okay, this too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. In the meantime, stay safe!
mind!
Bitterness and anger being perpetual from the moment I get home from work till the moment I leave.. Thankfully my job is an essential service so I am able to leave for three days at a time.. My job is working with youth living on the streets and the foster system so by the time my run of hours is completed I’m already exhausted only to come home to get a borage of anger and discontent thrown at me..
I've tried setting boundaries but to no avail! I now stay in my bedroom with the door closed in the hopes of getting some peace.. So thankful I’ve a dog that requires walks as that has been my saving grace ..
Mum never ever stops talking and blaming everyone for her life.. She sleeps little and lives 80% of her time in the kitchen and screaming at her cat!
She has taken to smoking in the house despite me setting up a smoking spot out on deck!
Im at my wits end and find myself picking up extra work shifts just so I don’t need to be home!
My daughter suffers from SAD -seasonal affective disorder - which is a form of depression. During the dark months (fall - early spring), she takes Vitamin D and calcium supplements, tries to exercise outdoors, and schedule frequent visits with friends. She also has an Ott light that has the same spectrum of light as daylight. She sits under it for several hours while reading or doing computer work. She and her hubby are still on lockdown in South Korea, so I know it is possible.
I truly understand, both my "parents"(?) made Hitler and The Spanish Inquisition look like a walk in the park and caring for them at end of live almost broke me again. Almost, because I hung on to the thought that they done it once they didn't get a second chance.
It is difficult being suddenly confined with people we should and do love but have long term irresolvable issues with. Also tough being with people we're fine with but not used to spending time with on such a basis or being completely isolated with only contact being via technology.
I am disabled and so it's difficult to get "out" in the garden or for the essentials. I do but it adds to the stress.
I have found it an enormous help to have "nature sounds" playing in the background. During parts of the day birdsong and such at night I have thunderstorms and rain. Sounds crazy but it puts me to sleep fast and if I'm woken in the night it helps me go back to sleep (I have a 10hr one I really like).
They are on youtube and free, try having it on low for your mother too it is incredibly relaxing you stop hearing it but the effect remains.
Good luck, thinking of you.
I am the only one working, doing the shopping and the cooking and taking all three of my family members to their doctor appointments and picking up their prescriptions. Thank God my brother does the cleaning only because he is OCD! I have not been able to see a doctor myself and pray my health does not fail on me.
I am always saying, what happens if I get sick who will take care of everything? Who will take care of me?
So, I feel your pain and like everyone is saying, we will all get through this, hang in there!
Hang in there - you will get through this. We are all stronger than we realize. (take LONG baths!! Meditate, read, etc.)
I too, lived with a mother in law who made it very stressful. I'm so sorry. I hear your pain.
This isn't easy. You will have to go to your own room and have time alone from her. I know it's not enough to say don't let it bother you. I understand. Exercise might be good. Prayer. And talking to friends and family. Maybe have your children call to her everyday.
These are difficult times. I hope you can find some separation. I pray you will grow in grace and peace, friend.
You might find an online counselor you could talk to once a week online. My family member just started using an online counselor from BetterHelp.com. Talking to a counselor really helped me when my mother in law moved in. I wish I had gone longer.
Online Counselling UK Success Stories | BetterHelp
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/counseling/online-counselling-uk-success-stories/
Take care and check in here. We care about you. Let us know how you are doing.
gratefultoday
Your walks to get these items, especially the medical products, would qualify as the exceptions.
Another thought is time out periods, when you both separate and either take naps, or read, or you can putter with your garden. Are you starting seeds inside? Do you have a small portable type greenhouse for your plants?
If you don't, there are always online seed catalogues to peruse, even if you don't buy anything.
There's another way to view the situation: you spend a lot of time together; use it to reminisce and segue back in time to your mother's childhood, when her children were born, activities she planned for you, and topics like that. Make HER feel good about herself and raising you, and that can translate to you.
It may seem hard, and it probably will be, but turn the situation around so that you both can feel good about being together. And that WILLtake a lot of work.
First step might be to think of childhood memories to reincarnate the bonding experience.
This isn't a criticism, but a suggestion, kind of a "been there, done that, and hopefully past it now" suggestion: I think that right now your thoughts are stuck on the need to get away, as expressed in your original and subsequent posts. You need to find a way to change that thought pattern, to break through the conceptual dam and find a solution that helps you.
If you like music, play it periodically, for both of you, and DON'T do any work during that time. Music can transport you out of your current situation and greatly improve a sad situation.
What does she do most of the time? Sleep in front of the tv, or is she more mobile?