How would you prepare for the aftermath of an abusive parent and dysfunctional family's antics when it comes to inheritances?
I have pleaded often for my siblings to get together yet my sisters have very much vilified me even though one of them has always been critical and "embarrassed" of me during family functions (I got transparent and told my second cousin who teaches kids with Learning disabilities I too have one; this was "shaming" to her) and the other is convinced I am out to harm my ailing mother physically and otherwise. I go to my mother's house and help her during the day as she has fallen before, and I clean up and cook without being able to rely on my sibling to pick up the slack, if I were to ask her to fold the laundry I had no time to fold, she will either ignore me or worse tell me that I "cannot tell her what to do". This is crazy making. My other sibling, took something that my mother twisted (as she most likely has what psychiatry calls a "personality disorder" and at 86 is undiagnosed) whereby she baited me to get ready for a funeral of a cousin's husband, and then upon my getting dressed for it, tells me "what are you talking about, I didn't say we were going"...I had been asleep due to a very bad bout of stomach trouble the night before, and she seemed to sense "weakness" so she woke me up to get ready for an early morn funeral. I got angry; yelled at her and told her off in so many words, and left slamming her door. I lived in the flat above her's, I could hear her on the phone to my sibling telling her to hurry up and get here for the funeral. My sister arrived and we went without my mother. My mother had whispered something on the phone to my sister so I can only guess it was about my reaction to her baiting me. On that fateful day the troubles began. She told my other sister that I had hit her, and about a year or so later, my younger sister admitted that my mother had said I had slammed her into the wall and pinned her up and I don't know what else (none of this is what happened) My mother had sciatica all of her life and I would never physically harm her..or anyone else because I literally am a big chicken, abused kid grown up gutless. She was always sick and I am the eldest and took care of her, often missing school in elementary... so my only defense stance has been to yell back (usually she's yelling at me) and then I leave the house or go upstairs to my flat. If I am well-slept and feeling well, I will just leave and slam the door. On this fateful day, she decided to walk to the police station and claim I was hitting her. Thus, my other sister's reactions to me are both in her part bullyingish and down right threatening to my own physical well being like she is going to do to me what my mother "said" I did to her......as she will come toward me and block me at the door (she called the police claiming harrassment when I sent her a barage of emails on the topic of narcissistic mothers and asking her if she is able to see the truth yet) so now if we happen to show up at the house at the same time (I no longer rent from my mother). this ...my other sister ....now threatens to call the police on me if she thinks I have "shown up to the house without permission" from my mother..my mother is dying due to final stages of her disease and I know I won't have to ever see these misguided and vile creatures again afterwards. I am alone a lot, due to tending to my traumas of being in this family, and I live on my health benefits though I have an employer to go back to once I have healed up. I live in Canada, and we don't have the same laws as the USA...but I wish I knew what to expect they'll do to me after the death of my mother. I know my youngest wants to buy the house from the estate and that my other sister is going to "stop me" if I don't agree to selling my share. I have her on tape. In Canada we can tape not video people without their knowing. I feared them and have reason to believe they are planning an legal ambush and false accusations. The POA is my uncle btw.
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None of them appreciate you and that is not going to change. Sending your mother emails regarding being a Narc is not going to change her behaviour towards you.
I am not sure where you live, it sounds like you live in a house that has been divided into individual apartments?
When Mum dies, her estate will be distributed according to her Will. If her house is left to all of you , then either it is sold to a stranger, and you all divide the proceeds, or one of you will have to buy out the others. There is no way you will be able to get along to keep the house. Look at how you do not get along now.
If Mum dies without a valid Will, then your provincial intestacy laws come into play. You can google your province's rules around it.
Even if Mum has a Will, any accounts that are held jointly will go to the joint holder. Registered accounts will go to the beneficiary, but taxes will have to be paid, on your Mum's final tax return.
The toxic situation cannot be beneficial to your health. Go back to work, and get off this crazy train.
If like the US, the Will will be public once Probate is started. You will then know if your beneficiary. If one of ur sisters is Executor and ur a beneficiary, I may get a lawyer to protect ur share. This way, u don't have to be involved in the process.
Are you hanging on hoping for something from her estate? Your relationship with your mother sounds twisted and sick.
I know, cause I have a similar thing going on with my own mother.
They act like all is peachy when you're THERE, doing the hard stuff, but they talk about you behind your back to any and sundry who will listen. To say that it hurts is to deny the truth.
Walk away? Sounds like your mom wouldn't fight you on that. I did CG for mother for years and if her will stands as it was when she made me read it a few years ago---I stand to inherit $9872.00. AND she wants me to pay the trust $1500 before I receive any inheritance. She wanted me to read that. There's no reason given for the 'debt' and also, it's not legal, but, oh how our 'loved ones' can hurt us. I am now not allowed in her apartment b/c I had the audacity to try and facilitate getting in home for her 2 days a week. 2 back surgeries and I can no longer lift her nor work as hard as she needs. She told everyone I was trying to throw her in a NH.
You're aware you're in a negative situation. Can you walk away? Go 'grey rock' (not really disappearing, but also not calling or visiting--when you feel like it, if you ever do, you can restart the relationship.)
Family infighting--nothing good ever comes of it. Personally I am sick of the manipulations mother has incited over the years. Currently, to find out how she's doing, or to talk to the brother with whom she lives, I have to call my OTHER younger brother and work through him. It's ridiculous.
I am hoping that 202 brings me more clarity about her, but also, less time spent with her. She doesn't like me, so this should be easy.
BUT-she's still my mother and it hurts. You likely won't have 'closure' in this life and that's just the way it is.
Good Luck--more people will pipe in with better answers. I'm just sorry for you.
I also know that if you log your hours, even if it is after the fact that the cost of your time and such will need to be addressed afterwards and you should be getting extra monies depending on that. I however, have no need to log but I do have a calendar showing where I was since May, so I know that there will be no one to contest it if that is the route they will each take...they log their time so that they can try to get more later on...I don't know if that is done here though, it is done like that in the States.
As I do get sensitive to slights and such, I been listening to so many Youtubes on Narcissistic mothers just to prepare me emotionally. I have finally learned about how to tell if someone is lying and what manipulators do, so I was well prepared and recognized things moreso as my sister came on strong being so kind to me at the start...only because she wanted me to side with her and keep the "house" in the "family". Yah, ain't going to happen.
My mother had my father (who passed last year) slap me across the face a few years ago, after I asked her about my cousin's son's wedding. She did not want me to go to it, started screaming and he thought I had done something to offend her. Only last month, did I piece together where that came from, she had a fight with her sister and she did not want any of us to go to the wedding of her sister's grandson.
I don't have to worry about the inheritance as she has it split three ways whether I stay or not. I do worry about my sisters smearing me and lying and trying to take it all some how, like a contesting of the will, if that is a real possibility.
I had begun to get paranoid moreso after I was shown the Will. It reads that if I die before the will is executed that my siblings get my share. I have no children or husband (she helped with that but let's not go there). I am the first born and was parentified, and have addressed these things professionally.
Yet, would my sisters be psycho enough to have me have an "accident"...under the circumstances I know they can't be that intelligent but watching all those real life murder TV shows, I can't say that I know for sure what kind of animals I am dealing with anymore. I was that blind, my whole family life has been a lie, and I oblivious.
Thanks for writing back, and yes it is terrible and maddening. It is totally a flying monkey and scape goat situation with you too, I can see that! I feel for you and thanks for your sympathy. It feels good to write this down and feels better seeing others are also in the same boat. This has gone a long way to validating the pain and shows me to see that I have somehow the strength to be there a few hours a day without having to cross paths with the banshees.
I literally show up to make sure she has not fallen or has something cooked and do the dishes. Even laundry and such. I am limiting my hours with her to less than 3 a day and I excuse myself and leave but she is getting weaker and weaker each day.
You know when you have that impending sense of doom....? Or maybe I am trauma-bond to them and can't find my way into my own life until my Mother is gone. Then I can rest assured that I did my best to make sure the house was not overun by rats. (I came back in May to her house to check on her and found rat feces in her bedroom...so being the oldest and not working, I was used to the cleaning end of the shaft...and had the time to do this cleaning).
The funeral date is coming one day. Not mine if I can help it. She probably has less than six months to go. When it does I don't think I will stand for any scorn. I am inviting as many people as I know to help me out and watch over me during the funeral home visitations. I may not go to the after thing with the food, it is usually done in the suburbs, where "accidents" happen to people by crossing the street. Who knows, I may have scared myself into not going to it at all.