How you manage the effects of caregiving on the grandkids, etc?

That’s a tough one, but daughter should always come first. Do whatever you need to do to attend her events and be available to her. Minimize conversations about him and his care because a sick LO’s situation tends to take over the whole family interaction and change the dynamic.

He’s lived most of his life, and she’s just starting hers. If anyone is shortchanged, it should be him.

If he was, before his cognitive decline began, a doting, living, valuable grandparent, HE would want you to put your daughter first.

His freaking out is unfortunately not nearly as damaging to him as exposure to it is to your daughter.

Hopefully, he enjoyed the love and respect of his family when he was fully able to participate in family life.

But that Dad, Grandpa, is gone now. He lives in residential care so that he can be cared for safely and lovingly. His setting was hopefully chosen with reverence and respect for who he had been, and how much richer your lives were for having had his love, and loving him.

Launching a graduating child into her new world is really a bigger broader responsibility, and I know by experience, that you only get one shot to do it. I tried, and failed, to be both.

I’m grateful to have a wonderful relationship now with my son, who had cherished his grandmother, but couldn’t let her needs become part of HIS senior year. He was so right, and I was SO WRONG.

Your father’s life won’t be significantly altered by putting him first, but your child’s might be.

Hoping respectfully that you can figure out a way to do this better than I did.

Why do you need to miss events if your father is on care?

Your daughter is now grown up.
It is time to sit with her and talk. It is time to acknowledge to HER, not to us, what she has lost through your care of your Dad. You can say you are uncertain that you did it right, that you may have given too much care to Dad and not enough to her, that you hope she never experiences being in the middle of the sandwich, owing so much to 2 generations, and tell her if she ever is you hope she will give more to her children, her first obligation, than you did.
Just let her know you recognize the ways in which she was failed.

A good and loving parent gets forgiven almost ANYTHING, especially if they go to the child and tell them they understand the places they failed.
If she says "Oh, that's OK, Mom" let her know that it WASN'T OK. And that you are sorry. And encourage her to disengage from granddad other than loving visits when SHE chooses, SHORT visits.

My mother has lived here since I was pregnant, until just over a year ago. As she’s always been difficult, I can’t pinpoint when it became dementia, but my kids witnessed her shadowing, paranoia, delusions, combative nature... really challenging times.

My youngest was almost a teen when I realized we were dealing with a huge dementia problem. Kids pick up more than we think, as revealed by a family discussion. I was very direct, very honest, and shared my strategies to redirect my mother, as well as my sadness at the strain on us. They mostly dodged her. In a way, it was fortunate that COVID-19 limited our outings (I have one higher risk child) so it wasn’t as obvious.

The moment my mother went into care, we enjoyed a family outing.

I have apologized for all the times she took me away from them, when they may have (quietly) needed me more. They’ve all been great, acknowledging the position I was in.

Frankly, your father is in care, so you CAN walk away. So what if he freaks out. Don’t teach your kids that bad, needy, or unreasonable behaviour is the only way to get your attention.

Did you ever move to a different school as a kid? You could hold your breath and stomp your feet and scream yourself hoarse, but that wouldn’t change your new classmates back into the old ones. Did your mother come running to change it all back? No. Similarly, your father is going to have to adapt.

Make your daughter your #1 priority. She’s a child, depending on her mother.

She's learning a lesson in caring for our elders. That's not a bad thing.

However, I wonder if you're overdoing the "care" side of things if Dad's in a facility being cared for already. As others have said, your daughter comes first. That's not to say you ignore a genuine emergency with Dad to watch cheerleading, but it's important to keep balance.

What do you need to do for Dad that takes precedence over ur daughter. He is safe and cared for. I was 5 min from my Mom so I could stop in everyday. It could be bringing her laundry, pickin it up. Bring her supplies. I stayed no more than a half hour. Longer if something was going on. I never missed anything that had to do with my family. So he freeks out. There r meds. You have a right to ur life. Don't tell him your going on vacation or out for the night. When he calls, ignore it. The AL will call u in an emergency. The whole purpose of placing a parent in an AL is so your not so burdened.

When u married and had children, ur first responsibility was ur family. Parents are only part of ur life, they should not become all of it. Again, Dad is safe. He now relies on the staff. Thats what he pays for.

I am in the exact same situation. I have prioritized my kids, 18 and 16, as they need me and there is nothing, I can do to improve my mother's situation, she is 90 years old, bed ridden with dementia in an SNF. I didn't cause this, age caused this.

There is everything I can do to improve my kids' lives through supporting them at school, their search to try and navigate their futures, their events and even their dreams.

I make this work by limiting visits to my mom as I simply don't have enough time to support my kids, work full-time, and peruse some of my own hobbies/interests. I also try to stick to a schedule for visits that works for all of us. My mom is more coherent mid-morning, so I limit my visits to this time only.

Good luck with all of it, I know it is hard, but my advice is do what works for you and feel no guilt if that means you need to focus on your daughter and step back from your father.

Caregiving affects the whole family. You were smart to delete your daughter’s phone number from your dad’s phone.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.

You dad is in AL to relieve you from the stress of caregiving. Gradually back off the communication a bit. If you're concerned about his ability to manage things perhaps memory care would be a better choice

Dad is in AL for Dad's benefit, one would hope. With this mindset, it's no wonder he freaks out when folks wander off.

Put his number back into the 18 year olds phone, and teach the kid grace and tolerance.

Be loving and forgiving and gracious. Give what you can, where you can. Prioritize.

Your Dad is old, and likely earned some graciousness. If he's freaking out, it's not his choice to do so. Try not to forget that. This is a time of growing and learning for you and your daughter, and can give her strength and integrity and fortitude. And many GOOD memories. There are many valuable lessons in life you can both Garner from this. Dad won't be around forever. Cherish what you have, give grace to the burdens, and realize it could be much, much worse.

Your daughter, your family should be your priority.
When your daughter is your age, and she has a young family do you want her to make her family a priority or you? (this should be a talking point for you and your husband and the rest of the family..the "what if's" in life. Make your wishes known)
spend the time with your daughter..you will NEVER get this time back. She will graduate from High School once. She will go to Senior Prom once.
If your dad were well cognitively I am sure he would agree.

Caregiving affects everyone in the family. Children don’t always understand what is happening. It can be confusing for them.

If Grandpa still needs this much assistance in AL, he probably needs a higher level of care. Take and enjoy your vacations, if he freaks out the staff is being well paid to handle it. It is not your problem. Your children, spouse, and self should come WAY before Grandpa on your priorities list. You're protecting your daughter by blocking him from contacting her, so that's a major step in the right direction.

I’d back off the communication with him a bit. The employees ant AL are being paid to take care of him, that’s why he was placed there. I’d also limit your weekly visits.

As many people here have pointed out from what you’ve written he might need to be in a SNF now.

In all likelihood your father won’t be dying any time soon, so it is imperative that you look into other options now. You won’t get this time back in your life back.

I’d also express to your daughter your wishes for what she should be doing for you when your time comes to be cared for.

With Tough Love besides with Grace.

I agree that your children come first, not your grandfather. It's best you deleted your daughter's number from his phone. Let your daughter decide to call him, instead. It's respect for her privacy, not lack of respect for grandfather.

He has lived his productive life in the past, this is now the present, and your children have a future. Graduation, marriage and their new children happen once. Back off from your grandfather who is in AL for his care, and do not miss your family vacations and events.

❤. Sounds like you're doing a good job.

I wanted to come on to say while I know you want to help him bc he’s your father since your daughter is so young your primary duty above anything is her, since you stated he has disrupted special things for her before it’s wise of you that you’ve pulled back alot on the amount of help your giving him to focus on your daughters well being. The main reason I say that is based on his causing upheaval to her by his acting out you described affects her at this young age. This very special time in her life only comes once and will be gone in a flash so cherish this time in her life with her, and let someone else take over majority or all of his care for this period of time while she’s in her teens

Grandpa needs more care than a AL place can provide. Can he afford to have additional care come in? Your child needs you there (at times) for her now. If grandpa is just fussing and can manage, turn off your phone on those times when you spend quality time with your daughter. There is nothing that you can do about his attitude-if that is all it is. I would start looking at memory care facilities and getting him on antidepressants. All the best!

Hello. We took care of my father whom had Parkinson's and dementia until he died in our home. My daughter Taylor whom is soon to be 23 was the only one living at home. He was never inappropriate with her or around her thankfully. I've learned from our experience it has made her a more caring and empathetic person. She did learn a lot. It was hard and the hardest job I've ever done. I was honored and would do it all over again. I will say you're either cut out to do it or you are not. Congratulations to your daughter on her graduation!!!!!
Denise

You shouldn't prepare the path for the child but instead prepare the child for the path. She should understand the things he says isn’t necessarily him. If his mind is going, he doesn’t have that control of himself anymore. He doesn’t know what he’s doing or saying in those moments. Also it is incredibly frustrating to lose cognition. They try to fight a losing battle. Empathy is a good lesson here. How would we feel if we couldn’t control or understand things in our head? There is a huge loss of self control & they are aware for a long time before it completely takes over. She has to know at that age this can, but doesn’t always happen when we age. She may be in his shoes someday. Sacrificing to care for loved ones is to be commended. I hope it teaches her patience, how to self sacrifice for love & maybe someday she will do the same for you as hopefully her children do for her. Keep up the good work.

I am writing this as an adult who was a grandchild once upon a time with grandparents living in the home. At first, when they weren’t living at our home, I remember my mother leaving in the dark of night in a snowstorm to pick up grandpa off the floor. Once they moved in, my parents were all about grandma and grandpa. There were the smells of incontinence, the need to be quiet around the house. As a teen, I had quite a lot of difficulty with this situation, acted out in school, grades dropped, didn’t want to go home. It is now 60 years since then and I feel the lack of attention from my parents during that time and having my grandparents pass away in my home had a major impact on my life. I think I was lonely and depressed and my friends who weren’t in the same situation as I was weren’t much help. Please consider your children in any situation where you assume care of your parents. Please talk to them about their lives and about the impact on them of “losing” parental care.

Assisted living can provide a better life for all of you.

Your father is already in an AL. If that is not enough care help for him, maybe he needs a higher level of care. If he is just lonely and wants company, you do not need to answer to his every whim. Why does Grandpa need to be calliing your daughter at all and causing her anxiety? He might want you to come right back when you go on vacation, but you don't have to do that. If he is safe and being adequately taken care of, but it could be he needs more help than AL can offer. When you say "cogitive issues, " you imply Dementia and that is only going to get worse and worse. Start looking into Memory Care now.

Daughter always comes first!

DoingMyBest73: Your daughter is your priority.