Another post sparked this. I know that my 18-year-old daughter sees the strain that caregiving for my father takes on me, and he's not in our house, he's in an AL nearby. I try to minimize the effects of his issues on her, but it's caused me to miss events and not really be there for her as much as I would like. Since she's graduating high school this year, I've actually pulled back on some of the things because I don't want her senior year to be all about Grandpa and his issues (he freaks out when we go on vacation, for example, and wants me to come back). I would love a life where we have a wonderful relationship with a loving Grandpa but that's not what it's like right now, especially with his cognitive issues (he likes to say inappropriate things and curse people out and so she doesn't want to be alone with him and I respect that, I also took his phone and deleted her number so he can't call her). It's a hard path to navigate, helping an elder and also being a good parent. What do you all do to make this work?
He’s lived most of his life, and she’s just starting hers. If anyone is shortchanged, it should be him.
His freaking out is unfortunately not nearly as damaging to him as exposure to it is to your daughter.
Hopefully, he enjoyed the love and respect of his family when he was fully able to participate in family life.
But that Dad, Grandpa, is gone now. He lives in residential care so that he can be cared for safely and lovingly. His setting was hopefully chosen with reverence and respect for who he had been, and how much richer your lives were for having had his love, and loving him.
Launching a graduating child into her new world is really a bigger broader responsibility, and I know by experience, that you only get one shot to do it. I tried, and failed, to be both.
I’m grateful to have a wonderful relationship now with my son, who had cherished his grandmother, but couldn’t let her needs become part of HIS senior year. He was so right, and I was SO WRONG.
Your father’s life won’t be significantly altered by putting him first, but your child’s might be.
Hoping respectfully that you can figure out a way to do this better than I did.
It is time to sit with her and talk. It is time to acknowledge to HER, not to us, what she has lost through your care of your Dad. You can say you are uncertain that you did it right, that you may have given too much care to Dad and not enough to her, that you hope she never experiences being in the middle of the sandwich, owing so much to 2 generations, and tell her if she ever is you hope she will give more to her children, her first obligation, than you did.
Just let her know you recognize the ways in which she was failed.
A good and loving parent gets forgiven almost ANYTHING, especially if they go to the child and tell them they understand the places they failed.
If she says "Oh, that's OK, Mom" let her know that it WASN'T OK. And that you are sorry. And encourage her to disengage from granddad other than loving visits when SHE chooses, SHORT visits.
My youngest was almost a teen when I realized we were dealing with a huge dementia problem. Kids pick up more than we think, as revealed by a family discussion. I was very direct, very honest, and shared my strategies to redirect my mother, as well as my sadness at the strain on us. They mostly dodged her. In a way, it was fortunate that COVID-19 limited our outings (I have one higher risk child) so it wasn’t as obvious.
The moment my mother went into care, we enjoyed a family outing.
I have apologized for all the times she took me away from them, when they may have (quietly) needed me more. They’ve all been great, acknowledging the position I was in.
Frankly, your father is in care, so you CAN walk away. So what if he freaks out. Don’t teach your kids that bad, needy, or unreasonable behaviour is the only way to get your attention.
Did you ever move to a different school as a kid? You could hold your breath and stomp your feet and scream yourself hoarse, but that wouldn’t change your new classmates back into the old ones. Did your mother come running to change it all back? No. Similarly, your father is going to have to adapt.
Make your daughter your #1 priority. She’s a child, depending on her mother.
However, I wonder if you're overdoing the "care" side of things if Dad's in a facility being cared for already. As others have said, your daughter comes first. That's not to say you ignore a genuine emergency with Dad to watch cheerleading, but it's important to keep balance.
Daughter is learning what she sees: a tired, stressed mother who is stretched to the brink and feeling guilty on both ends… caring for a needy father and trying to care for her child, who needs her way more.
When u married and had children, ur first responsibility was ur family. Parents are only part of ur life, they should not become all of it. Again, Dad is safe. He now relies on the staff. Thats what he pays for.
There is everything I can do to improve my kids' lives through supporting them at school, their search to try and navigate their futures, their events and even their dreams.
I make this work by limiting visits to my mom as I simply don't have enough time to support my kids, work full-time, and peruse some of my own hobbies/interests. I also try to stick to a schedule for visits that works for all of us. My mom is more coherent mid-morning, so I limit my visits to this time only.
Good luck with all of it, I know it is hard, but my advice is do what works for you and feel no guilt if that means you need to focus on your daughter and step back from your father.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.
Put his number back into the 18 year olds phone, and teach the kid grace and tolerance.
Put his number back into the 18 year olds phone, and teach the kid grace and tolerance.
In what world is an 18 year old responsible to calm down a demented, freaked out elder?
Your Dad is old, and likely earned some graciousness. If he's freaking out, it's not his choice to do so. Try not to forget that. This is a time of growing and learning for you and your daughter, and can give her strength and integrity and fortitude. And many GOOD memories. There are many valuable lessons in life you can both Garner from this. Dad won't be around forever. Cherish what you have, give grace to the burdens, and realize it could be much, much worse.
Op, Get gramps placed in memory care and tend to your immediate family, please!
When your daughter is your age, and she has a young family do you want her to make her family a priority or you? (this should be a talking point for you and your husband and the rest of the family..the "what if's" in life. Make your wishes known)
spend the time with your daughter..you will NEVER get this time back. She will graduate from High School once. She will go to Senior Prom once.
If your dad were well cognitively I am sure he would agree.
The fact is that a decent facility is designed to optimize elder socialization as well as adls.
As many people here have pointed out from what you’ve written he might need to be in a SNF now.
In all likelihood your father won’t be dying any time soon, so it is imperative that you look into other options now. You won’t get this time back in your life back.
I’d also express to your daughter your wishes for what she should be doing for you when your time comes to be cared for.
I agree that your children come first, not your grandfather. It's best you deleted your daughter's number from his phone. Let your daughter decide to call him, instead. It's respect for her privacy, not lack of respect for grandfather.
He has lived his productive life in the past, this is now the present, and your children have a future. Graduation, marriage and their new children happen once. Back off from your grandfather who is in AL for his care, and do not miss your family vacations and events.
Denise