My Husband and I agreed to have my disabled Father come to live with us 7 years ago. He is 72, diabetic and has lost both his legs (below the knees) due to self neglect, not managing his blood sugar levels etc and smoking heavily. He wanted to come and live with us and we converted our garage into an annex attached on the side of our house (he paid for the conversion with some of the money he got from selling his house). We live with a link door in-between. The problems have arisen over the last 18 months as its become apparent he is a serious alcoholic (1/2 litre bottle of vodka per night) and watches pornographic films for hours throughout the day with no attempt at keeping it discrete. This behaviour is obviously unacceptable especially as I have an 11 year old son who is in the vicinity of his Grandfather. Despite all this I still feel terrible guilt at the thought of asking Dad to leave. I have given him an ultimatum, he keeps his behaviour private or he moves out. He adopts a very passive aggressive behaviour and just sulks rather than discussing the situation. I feel very upset and trapped.
I called my brother agreed he needs to go (but where?) so my Husband and I spoke to him calmly gave him 3 clear options 1) he disposes immediately of all material (btw it's all adult stuff not underage! I would go to police myself otherwise) and if this occurs EVER again my husband and brother will remove him and his belongings to a Hotel or whatever.
2) he makes steps to move out over a set time frame with our help.
He has promised to dispose of the material all of it at the local dump. My Husband will be checking this later today and If hasn't he's out at the local council office claiming homelessness I'm afraid this sounds harsh but my son and my family are the prioryans always will be. Dad has blown every opportunity in life up to now and now treats his own daughter like this!
ive tried for 7 years to manage this situation and I'm exhausted but I finally feel free.
But he's sharing a home with his - your- family, and he had no idea that playing porn at top volume in the middle of the day could be a problem?
Ring social services and chat it through with them. You might as well start the ball rolling - after all, if a sheltered placement does come up you won't be forced to accept it if it's no longer necessary - and meanwhile they might have useful suggestions to make. Like day care or support services for him, service user groups who could widen his social circle, anything to give him a bit more meaning in life, really.
We have curtains up in his room which looks out into the garden but he doesn't pull them which is the problem. I think I wouldn't really care if he kept it entirely private and was just doing this when no-one was in or we were in bed etc but it appears to have become an addiction i.e. Doing it throughout the day most days. As he's long term diabetic with severe neuropathy and I'm not being crude here but I'm not sure he's capable of having a full sexual relationship (if you know what I mean?!) hence why he watches it for hours and hours.
Re the 1/2 litre bottle of vodka a day and diabetes well he's clearly not helping himself.
I hope to get to a place of acceptance about this and try and remember the person he once was. I think it will take time. Many thanks to all who have offered advice it really does help.
He can't defend conditioning an 11 year old boy to think that porn is a normal part of domestic design on the grounds that Grand Theft Auto is worse. And that is what your father is doing, whether intentionally or not; and if he not only can't see that but actively argues the contrary - Byeeeeee!
Nuts to what your colleagues would say - what, like none of them has alcoholism, domestic abuse, crime or teenage pregnancy in the family?
Pretend you're a client. What would tell her to do?
I appreciate that you're keeping your son away from your father - but never underestimate the cleverness and the determination of an eleven year old mind. Chances are he's got an idea that there's something going on in grandpa room that he's not supposed to know about or see. That's just makes it all the more irresistible to the young inquiring mind! I was a terrible snoop at that age, that's for sure. God forbid he finds some porn, shows it to a friend when you and gramps aren't around - and the friends parents find out about it. That is a potential poop storm of epic proportions! And what about coming across grandpas booze?!! The temptation? Nothing like a drunk 11 year old!
You know what needs to be done - bite the bullet and forge ahead! Your son and and future female friend, girlfriend or wife, will thank you for it!
Find that assisted living place today, move him tomorrow.
You are actually permitting criminal activity in your home with children present. If you called 911, they may arrest your father, or maybe even yourself. Well, this is not going to happen, but you get the urgency.
Forget the embarrassment, place Dad right away. You take Dad on an outing...In the meantime, ask your hubs to remove t.v., internet, computers, dvd's, dvd player, any weapons, magazines from Dad's room, don't even try sorting...put them in a storage locker. When he gets angry, tell him he is moving anyway in the next few days, you are just helping him pack up.
Be strong, try not to avoid or delay the inevitable. I understand how you are embarrassed and angry, and protective of your son.
You are a Mom! You go for it Mom! You can do this, your home, your rules.
Sorry that your Dad is very ill.
Which is godawful, I know. I'm not happy about it. But just think of the spam emails even we female fogeys get - wanna hook up tonite? I am cute 24 yrs old just waiting to c u ;)
And I think primly "I'm sure you're NOT waiting to see me." And hit Junk. But if I were a nine year old boy I wouldn't, and then what?
None of this makes it okay for your father to be setting a diabolical example for your son. His having paid for the annexe complicates matters. The alcohol complicates matters. His having no legs and a lot to be depressed about and not much access to more constructive pastimes complicates matters.
Are there any well set-up facilities nearby for people who aren't especially old? If you've got a better alternative to offer it will make it a heck of a lot easier to move him.
How is your son appearing to handle the home situation? Please don't tell me he thinks Granddad is cool (wail!).
1) Remove doorway access indoors to your living space. Plaster it over, making it a wall. Hoping the add-on was a permitted legal unit, the separation will protect you from legal liability if someone calls APS or CPS, because his activities may be illegal with children in the home?
2) Instead of curtains, use a window film that allows light but not visibility into the room from the glass doors. Someone once suggested covering the glass by gluing on sheers or lace onto the glass for privacy.
3) The internet-cancel your subscription. For legal reasons, don't share internet access with porn. If he views child porn, who will get arrested when the authorities come and break down the doors? Share less and less.
4) Never leave him alone in the same room with any child, even if the child is just visiting.
5) Remove the DVD and t.v. or make sure it's broken, send it out for perpetual repairs. Alter the dvd's so that they won't play properly (big scratch?). Thus, making it more expensive for Dad. He may get the message and want to move.
6) Have caregiving help come in to help Dad, you stay out of it, drawing a line in the sand.
7) Ban your son from shopping at the local liquor store that sells porn.
This is really a difficult time for you! So sorry you are going through this with a beloved family member.
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