I try to visit him every other day and I feel he is well cared for. He asks to come home and I tell him that he can when he's better. I don't think he will ever come home. I just feel so discouraged and lost. It's very difficult to have to worry about everything, bills, house upkeep etc. Our daughter calls when she has time and doesn't understand all that's involved and she does live far away from me.
Are there any words of wisdom or encouragement to help? I do volunteer at the Senior Center 2 times a week, I thought that might help seeing plenty of people but it doesn't. I would appreciate any thoughts?
That said, why not think about downsizing and moving to a senior independent apartment one of these days? It's a lot easier on the pocketbook and there's no real upkeep to an apartment vs. a home. You'll likely make new friends and not have to rely on your daughter for socialization. There's nothing like developing a network of friends of your own to get you into a better frame of mind and new way of life!
And last but not least, you may want to think about getting some therapy to help you with this phase of your life. Someone to help you develop new coping strategies and give you ideas to encourage your own personal development is always a good idea.
Try to remember that DH is well cared for in a safe Memory Care ALF and while you feel lost and discouraged, you made a wise decision by placing him in such an environment. My mother lives in a Memory Care herself, and always talks about 'going home', but such a thing isn't possible. I feel like she's really talking about a place in TIME more than a brick & mortar building anyway, since she hasn't had a house since 2011. Keep in mind that with dementia, they say a lot of things that we shouldn't take personally or internalize, you know? It's hard, I know.....I always leave a visit with her feeling despondent myself. Dementia has a way of leaving everyone feeling blue, doesn't it?
Wishing you the best of luck with everything you have on your plate right now. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, too.
Thank you and God Bless for your help, I appreciate you so much.
Sending hugs & prayers to you too. Roofie
It is difficult having your husband in the care of others.
Do you belong to a Support Group? Often Memory Care facilities will have Support Groups for family members. If they don't you might want to suggest that one get started. Support Groups can be of great help.
Do you have a pet? I can not imagine getting home and not having my 3 dogs waiting for me.
Stay strong, keep busy and know you have done what is best for both you and him.
God Bless you for your response, it helps to know I'm not alone. Roofie
I think one thing older people don't tend to expect is great upheaval in their lives prior BEFORE a spouse dies, but oftentimes that's exactly what happens. You have had a big change in your life just as your husband has, and it does take time to adapt to it, especially if you now have tasks to handle that you didn't have before.
The important thing, I think, is not to suffer in silence and to ask for help from your daughter rather than wait for her to find the time to call. I hope you're also having a social life, not just volunteering at the senior center. You need someone to commiserate with, and to swap stories of how to cope with these big changes.
My dad cared for my mother with dementia for four years before he died, and he'd have lost his mind if he wasn't able to go to his weekly Rotary Club meetings, to church, and even just out to the grocery stores to do his weekly rounds of sale shopping. I came up to visit once or twice a week, and he'd just talk and talk -- not complain -- but he needed the social interaction. It wasn't until I had to move in with my folks once my dad got sick did I truly realize how isolating his existence was. He had told me, "My world is getting smaller and smaller," and I really understood it then. However, he took it upon himself to expand his world as much as was feasible while caring for Mom, and I think he was as content as he could be in his situation.
My point is that you're going to have to go out on a bit of a limb yourself to find things to keep you content. The senior center work isn't enough, so add another activity in there as well. Try to go to lunch once a week, with a friend or even alone. Get a book on how to organize yourself and the household. There are books for late-blooming young adults on "adulting," and while it might seem a little patronizing to get one, you might find some good tips in one. I bought one for my 23-year-old son, and it has yet to work, :-) but you have a head start on some of that.
Good luck, and yes, it'll be better -- just different.
God Bless you and your kind thoughts. Roofie
When a loved one is in Memory Care, it's not that different from being widowed - because the spouse is not "there" for us, physically or emotionally.
As others have suggested, you might consider downsizing and moving into a senior apartment where you would not have so much upkeep.
You might also need more social outlets than just volunteering at the Senior Center. You might even consider a part-time job, as many places are desperate for workers right now.
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