Husband refuses to go to rehab. Can his wife get POA to force him into a rehab or nursing home?

He won’t change his attitude or show appreciation for her. He was in a nursing home for 6 years and browbeat her into taking him home. That was her first mistake.

Her second mistake is if she doesn’t walk out.

Time to walk and file for divorce. A short rest won't improve her situation once that time is deemed over.

All I can think she could do is tell the social worker at the hospital that she cannot care for him on release from the hospital to force him into a nursing home, but if he's of sound mind, I don't think she can keep him from going home.

She needs a lawyer.

The husband can WANT to live in his home.. whether that is POSSIBLE is the issue.

If he has care needs, he has rights to receive care. However, as slavery is illegal, he does not have the right to insist his Wife provide this care with her own hands & time. She is free to say no.

He must then take responsibility for his needs & arrange his care from the Realistic & Affordable options available to him.

he is losing control and he feels it. her doctor needs to give her the okay to tell him.. Her health is on the line.. Doctor is going to put her in respite for awhile.

She needs her health to care for him. Doctor's order.
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I wholeheartedly agree with all of the other posters!

This isn’t working out well for either of them. He needs care. She needs a permanent separation from him.

I certainly hope that she will find a way to make this happen.

To answer your last question , no she cannot appoint herself as his POA, her husband would have to do that, and it doesn't sound like he's the kind of man that would give her that kind of power.
It's a sad situation all the way around. I just hate that she allowed him to talk her into bringing him home in the first place. She should have left well enough alone.
So next time he has to go to the hospital, his wife needs to be strong and let them know that he CANNOT return home as she can no longer care for him and they will HAVE TO find placement for him.

No one gets POA.
It is GIVEN.
The husband would have to ask the wife to be his POA. How likely is that when she will end putting him back in care, where he doesn't wish to be.

If doctors will testify that husband is incompetent to make his own decisions, then the wife can be his guardian and can put him in care again.

More than likely, however, doctors won't testify that he is incompetent to make his own decisions. Therefore the wife should see a divorce attorney, file for division of assets, and either separate legally or divorce said husband.

I would wonder what is wrong with the husband that he was in a NH for 6 yrs. The next time he is hospitalized, ask for a 24/7 care evaluation. If its found that he needs 24/7 care, the wife right there tells them she can no longer care for him. Then she sees a lawyer about having assets split. Husbands split will be going towards his care. When its almost gone Medicaid is applied for. She becomes a Community spouse. Remains in the home, has a car and enough or all their monthly income of SS and any pension to live on. She should see an Elder Lawyer now.

The grandson. She needs to find him a group home where he can be cared for. Also, he will have socialization. At 75 she has no idea how her own health will be or if she may die. Then who will care for the GS. At 18 he is considered emancipated. She will need to obtain guardianship over him. If he is not already receiving it, he can get Social Security Disability which will give him Medicare and Medicaid.

When he falls next time have her call 911 once he is seen tell the nurse - case manager - social worker “ he is a fall risk and I can no longer care for him safely and he needs rehabilitation and to be placed for 24/7 care .” It is what usually ends up happening in these cases .

As AlvaDeer and others are saying, POA is not "something you get on somebody" in order to take over their care. A person needs to willingly assign someone POA powers. The husband in OP's post does not sound likely to do that. He also sounds like he should not be in the home relying on his wife to take care of him.

Husband needs to be in a care facility whether he likes it or not.
Is the wife afraid he will "mad at her? ". Yes, he probably will be, but given his lack of respect and concern for his wife's health and well-being, it!'s likely the home situation is not a bed of roses as it is now.


The thought of a group home for the disabled grandson is also worth investigating.

She never should have let him leave the nursing home and come home. Her plate is full and it sounds like he needs more care than she can give. POA doesn't give you control over someone...it only allows you to speak/act on their behalf when they cannot.

1. She is 75 yrs old. She should start looking for a facility for her grandson while she still has the capacity to do it.
2. I agree with another poster who suggested that the next time the husband falls and goes to the ER that she tell the social worker he cannot come back home because it's not safe and there is no one who can care for him.

At some point you have to reach for the oxygen mask for yourself.

An exit strategy needs to be in place. With the next fall, EMTs transport him to the hospital no matter how much he squawks. Gives her opportunity to wash her hands of this misery. Hopefully she will have the resolve to tune out his rants and insist home is not safe for him anymore and social worker can find a facility. He clearly will not go quietly, so leave when the tantrums start.

Sounds like the dear lady has been taking on quite a burden her entire life. Assuming care for a disabled grandchild since he was 2? Where are the parents? I do hope she finds the strength to untangle herself from both and build her own happiness, free of those that take advantage.

Next time he falls call 911. Request transport to the hospital. At the hospital wife should inform the Social Worker that she can no longer SAFELY care for him at home.

I do not understand WHY after 6 years in a facility he would have been brought home. If she could not care for him when she was 69 and probably in better health, younger, stronger what would make her thi8ng=k she could do it now?

If he has been diagnosed with dementia and is unable to make decisions for himself based on the diagnosis he can be placed in Memory Care or if necessary Skilled Nursing.
If he does have dementia her expecting him to change, show appreciation it is not going to happen.

"She is just ready to walk out unless he changes his attitude, and shows some appreciation for her."Unfortunately, at this stage where it sounds like some dementia is in place, he probably is not capable of changing his attitude or show the appreciation for her like she most probably would like (and needs) to see happen. The suggestions everyone else has made about the next ER visit sounds very appropriate at this time. That way the "blame" will be on the providers rather than adding another layer of issues for him to resent her... and even then he may still blame her. If a more immediate solution needs to be found, then contact the local Department of Social Services because they are equipped to deal with a vulnerable adult needing a safe place.

I 100% agree with Grandma1954. At hospital advise staff she cannot have him back in her home. She must be adamant stating it is unsafe for everyone.

Talk to the attorney about getting him a court appointed guardian and book a vacation without grandson. Find out who can take the grandson where he would be safe and happy perhaps Adult Protective Services can be contacted about both gentlemen. The grandson may be entitled to a group home where there are other young people. Grandma needs to seriously make arrangements that are good for grandson after her passing: Life and death are complicated.

Agree, next time he falls call 911. Have him transported to ER and refuse to let him be returned home for safety reasons ( falling, can't get up etc etc ). Also if he becomes combative or otherwise verbally abusive to you, also call 911 and, have him transported to ER; refuse to allow him to be returned home.

In the meantime,big he hasn't fallen or become combative and verbally abusive to you, go ahead and confer with his PCP and your PCP and share your status and inability to care for him. Get a case manager ( usually a licensed social worker) assigned to him to assist you with navigating placement options and various documents etc that need to be in place. You are being at minimum being disrespected,used, and controlled by him,( if not out right abused) from either him being in a mental state that doesn't allow him to make appropriate decisions ( get his cognitive status assessed and level of care needs defined) and or out of his grief/ denial and control issues fearing his own demise.

Get help.

Agree with others. Next trip to the hospital, go directly to ER staff AND social workers in the hospital and tell them he will have to transfer from ER to rehab or NH, whichever the doctor notes indicate. Wife and someone else aware of the home situation should meet with hospital staff and explain the home situation, history of his falls/pulling tubes out, and she is not physically able to mange his care in the home any more. Main point to make is that he does not have anyone at the residence to manage his care any more and he is UNSAFE in his home at this point.
In fact, I think I'd go meet with his doctor before the ER visit even happens again and explain to him home care has become greater than wife can manage. After each fall he's had, the home care becomes even more while wife is trying to care for a young disabled adult. Once dr is aware of the situation, he might be able to step right in to assist with hosp release to rehab/NH the next time they have to call him to say hubs is back in the hospital from a fall. Get the Dr on board.

As for POA to put someone in NH??? Probably not. To place someone in a hosptial, you'd have to go to a judge to show he's not able to make decisions for himself. I have a feeling there's nothing wrong with hubby's mind, he's just a self centered person who wants what he wants. Maybe wife encouraged that behavior during the marriage - she likely is the selfLESS type person who accepts caregiver role, especially since she has also taken on that role for a grandson.

"She has to cook and clean for him, take care of all the medications, dr. appointments, never ending phone calls, bills, list goes on and on."

No, she doesn't. Tell her to stop.

julscandy: The principal (the husband) must be of competent mind to ask his agent (the wife) to give (not GET) power of attorney.

The husband is a narcissist who thinks he owns the wife and she must be at his beck and call. The husband only sees his wife as his servant. The husband has no love for his wife.

The wife cannot give herself POA for the husband, but she can have her state come in and establish guardianship of her husband and her grandson. The grandson has reached the legal age of majority so the grandmother cannot make decisions legally anymore for the grandson. The grandson is now an adult.

It’s time for the wife to take control of her life and stop allowing her husband to control her life. My advice for the wife is to call her state and have them come in and establish guardianship of her husband ASAP so she can move on and enjoy the rest of her life. Once her husband has become a ward of the state she should never look back or even think of the husband. The husband has treated her badly and he does not deserve this good woman.

The husband is a narcissist who thinks he owns the wife and she must be at his beck and call. The husband only sees his wife as his servant. The husband has no love for his wife.

The wife cannot give herself POA for the husband, but she can have her state come in and establish guardianship of her husband and her grandson. The grandson has reached the legal age of majority so the grandmother cannot make decisions legally anymore for the grandson. The grandson is now an adult.

It’s time for the wife to take control of her life and stop allowing her husband to control her life. My advice for the wife is to call her state and have them come in and establish guardianship of her husband ASAP so she can move on and enjoy the rest of her life. Once her husband has become a ward of the state she should never look back or even think of the husband. The husband has treated her badly and he does not deserve this good woman.

Option number one is clearly to refuse to take him back if he goes to hospital. You need to tell her about the pressure that is likely to be put on her by the hospital social worker, the false offers of help etc. Perhaps make sure that she only talks to the hospital in your presence, so that you can stop her falling into the usual traps.

Option number 2 might be to be ‘unavailable’ all day for about a week. One good reason would be to spend the time on the research for alternative accommodation and care for her mentally disabled grandson, now that he is an adult. She just goes home at night. Alternatively she just goes out for the day for about a week, on doctor’s instructions because she is burnt out. Go with her to the doctor, to make sure the instruction comes across clearly as essential. Give DH the phone number for home delivered food, and reasonably limited purse of money to pay for it. Also a phone number for emergency treatment if he has ‘pulled his tubes out’ and has ‘developed an infection’.

A week of this ought to change the situation, and probably lead to the hospital option. But she is clearly a ‘soft touch’, even if now you think she is on the verge of walking out. You need to be there so that she doesn’t get pressured to ‘keep going’.

She needs to get him evaluated by a medical doctor - and probably a geriatric psychiatrist. If either of them determine him to be mentally incompetent, then she can make decisions for him. Usually, a spouse has that right without a POA. A POA can only be granted if the person granting the POA is sound of mind at the time the legal document is prepared. She can check with a local lawyer that handles family law to see if she needs a legal document to make decisions on his behalf.

I would like some insight as to "I cannot safely take him home". My mother is now, thankfully, in a SNF. At Christmas we BOTH had Covid. This greatly accelerated my mom's dementia. She got to the point that she was putting on her winter gear and insisting she be taken "home". She was in the home she purchased in 1975.

She was with caregivers, and I had gone to my own home 75 miles away. The caregiver didn't know what to do and my mom was verbally abusive to her. I called 911 and had her taken to the ER for altered mental status. I told her caregiver to go home and get some rest. She also tested positive for Covid.

Two hours after the ER admission, a very cheerful doctor called me with the "good news" that my mom was "fine" and I could take her home. I made it clear that I had Covid, was not driving 75 miles to take her home, where she would continue to be disoriented and abusive. I was told that dementia is not a reason for them to keep her, neither was Covid as it was a mild case. I was not going to call another of her caregivers to go and get her and expose them to Covid as well.

They agreed to keep her, but as private pay as there was no medical reason to keep her. When, on January 2, when I was finally feeling better, I went to get her, the case manager told me that I would be taking her home against medical advice, as her care needs were too great. She wasn't a patient, but taking her home was AMA? This started the process of having her placed, but I still spent almost $50k for three months of 24/7 care at home. I have yet to receive the bill for her "not a patient" stay, which insurance will not cover, as she was not admitted.

Tell them to bill your mother, not you. When they told you that taking her home would be against AMA, then they should have admitted her.