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I am full-time caregiver for my 90-year-old husband, who has White Matter dementia. He often wakes me up at night, so I nap during the day. He has taken to going out the front door while I'm asleep. Once he's out, he's lost. Doesn't know his address or phone number.


Sometimes, I can find him quickly. Other times, neighbors have found him and called the police. The police want me to put a tracking bracelet on him, but he absolutely refuses (he is strong enough to prevent it). Also, the monthly subscription isn't cheap.


I would like to put a double-cylinder deadbolt on the front door, which I can lock while I'm sleeping, or doing home chores where I can't watch him every minute. It seems like such an easy solution. However, I'm concerned a locksmith may refuse to do this. And am not sure I can do a good job of replacing the lock myself.


Insights appreciated, thanks.

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We put a slide latch lock, you have to push it up to open, when my grannie started wandering. It was cheap and very effective.

Put it above his eye level, people experiencing a broken brain do not look up.

A double key lock is against fire code. You can do it but, be mindful that EMS will create a fuss if they see it. You could also have another one installed up high.

When she went to a NH, they put an ankle bracelet alarm on her and she would be down the block before anyone got to her, even when she was confined to a wheelchair.

You can try a black rug in front of the door, that stops some as they think it is a hole.

Best of luck. Wandering is often the straw that breaks home care.
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Memory12345 Sep 2021
Thanks, what is a slide latch lock? It sounds interesting. And I agree, looking up does not seem to happen any more.
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I only have a single dead-bolt lock and here's what I did. I would lock the door and either keep the key with me OR hide/put the key (on a high shelf that's by the door) so my mama couldn't find it.
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Memory12345 Sep 2021
Not sure how hiding the key helps you?

The deadbolt locks on the outside. He can easily unlatch it from the inside.
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Microchip
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Memory12345 Sep 2021
Is this meant to be funny?
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First you can get the same type of device they have to put on a dog collar so that you can set a range and you will get an alert on your phone if the area is breached.
There are tiles you can get for luggage and you can track it on your phone.
If he carries a cell phone you can track his phone with yours.

Instead of a double sided deadbolt (and I did that and spent 4 years wearing keys around my neck) try these "tricks"
Place a dark rug in front of each door. Many people with dementia will not go over a dark rug thinking it is a hole.
There are doorstops that have alarms so that if the door is opened the alarm will sound. They are typically sold as a safety doorstop that can be used on a hotel door in case the chain lock is cut the alarm will sound if the door is opened.
And a simple Hook and Eye lock would also work. Place it as high on the door as you can, most people do not look up and just the door banging a little will wake you up.
Now to some other "stuff" I am going to toss at you.
You should have a caregiver helping you during the day so you can get a nap without having to worry about him leaving.
Look into Adult Day Care a few hours several times a week will give you both a break.
If your Husband is a Veteran there may be services that the VA can offer.
Contact your Area Agency on Aging and see what services you might qualify for.

Oh! I just thought of something else I read that someone did and it worked for them. The had several different door knobs put on the door so it would confuse their loved because they could not "find" the right door knob. Not sure if you want a bunch of door knobs on your door....

And you might want to try a HUGE STOP sign on the door. It just might trigger the brain to stop.
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Memory12345 Sep 2021
Thanks, I already looked into the day/respite care. He will not get in the car to go there. Once, I fibbed and brought him there, and when he realized what it was, he pitched a fit and would not stay.

The black rug doesn't fool him. He can (still) read signs but chooses to ignore them. He's actually highly intelligent - but without any memory at all, so his intelligence has nothing to work on, unless he's presented with an obstacle. Then he thinks of ways around it.

Re: in-home aide to watch him while I take a nap. Two issues - what would you suggest? Please don't think I'm being "negative." I really do appreciate suggestions but have tried most.
1) The only problem (so far) is going out the door - he doesn't turn on the oven, or do other weird things (at least not yet). As far as I can tell, nobody can keep him from going out the front door, if that's what he wants to do. He doesn't get into any trouble while he's wandering around. The only problem is, he doesn't remember how to get home. So he asks the first person he sees for help, then can't tell them where he lives. Also, he doesn't have a cell phone. Never had any interest in one, even when he was fully functioning. That was "my department."

2) "Watchers" need to be scheduled in advance - and minimum of 4 hours, or it's not worth their/their agency's time to send them out. I don't take long naps, just 90 minutes max.

Any thoughts? I mean, besides "stick him in a home." I just have this intuition that he would not fit in. I could be wrong, though, and my plan is to at least call someone and discuss it. Obviously I couldn't take him there to visit - it would mean another hissy fit, and then they wouldn't want him anyway.

He is not a veteran, BTW. Wish one of us was.
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CHECK IF IT VIOLATES FIRE CODE.
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Hey Memory, my dead bolt needs to be opened with the key on the inside AND on the outside. I don't have the the kind you unlatch. I hide/hid the key so Mama couldn't get it and unlock the door. I never left the key inserted in the lock once inside the house.

Here's the kind of dead bolt I have:
https://www.harneyhardware.com/products/keyed-double-cylinder-deadbolt-venetian-bronze-87351?gclid=CjwKCAjwp_GJBhBmEiwALWBQkz-AFNkKENjf60iDo-sZ6X_WkTg3yo-xDMkhK5zqQVGG7XLsHNLYeBoCzUAQAvD_BwE
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Memory12345 Sep 2021
Thanks, Fuzzy. Hey, this is the same double-sided deadbolt I was thinking of getting. One that locks from the inside as well as the outside. I don't mind wearing a key around my neck. Small price to pay for knowing he is safe.
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i would try a good quality door wedge. Cheap and depending on the severity of the Dementia Alzheimer's.

Slightly more expensive a wireless Motion sensor.

We tried a 3g watch with my dad . and also gave him a set of old useless keys with a gps locator. Thankfully we never needed them.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
From OP's response to Grandma1954, it doesn't sound like he'd fall for that "banana in the tailpipe", so to speak (Beverly Hills Cop.) It does depend a lot on how far down the path they are - sounds like he's a challenge and a half! Or at least likes them...
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Wandering is a serious behavior that must be addressed. My wife was a wanderer, and I, too, installed a double sided lock. Didn't help... she went out thru the window! If you're concerned about the legality of the lock, call your local fire dept, they'll know. The non emergency number for both fire and police should be posted somewhere in the house.

If you do install the lock, or any devise that prevents his elopement, be aware that not being able to get out can cause your husband some real anxiety and possibly anger. The need to wander can cause a person to be very resourceful and find a way out.

Wandering isn't only a problem with leaving the house, it can happen at anytime and anywhere. He may escape from the car at a stop sign, or wander away from you at the grocery store. It's very easy to lose track of someone. I drove to the local library with my wife to return a book. I left her alone for less than 2 minutes and when I returned to the car she was gone. With the help of the local police and fire, they found her over a mile away. Wandering is both a safety issue and a sleep issue for the caregiver. It is one of the top three reasons people seek placement in a care facility for their LO.
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tjstyme Sep 2021
I live on the water, fenced yard, locks on gates. She knows how to climb. So leaving safe confines of home to "wonder" even with tracking device not recommend. SW Florida has swamps, lots of wildlife and Everglades National Park on front door. In last year 1 autistic teen lost in swamp never to be found. 1adult with dementia found in canal. Cannot let them wander outside. Tracker is no help in latter. Too late. Security system, cameras and double sided locks with keys mounts nearby out of sight in unexpected location. Hide a key if u want. Where you live has huge affect on how to handle this issue. Good luck to all that are going through this with someone.👍🙂
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Can you get a bracelet type tracker like a Med Alert bracelet with his name, address and phone number, but that can have a tracker on it/in it. Tell him its for when he goes out and gets lost, then anyone can help him get home or call you to come get him. He doesn't have to know its a tracker. I know some of the iPhones can locate the Apple watches. Thats how a friend found her son who has been knocked unconscious by a mugger.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
He should have some kind of ID, because there's always a chance of "escape", but the goal here is to prevent the escape. Better to keep the horse in the barn than try to find it after it has run miles away!
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Memory12345, I hope you can find a solution. I just wanted to wish you and your husband well. I will not tell you when to throw in the towel. You will know when it’s just too much. But hope you will make some private calls.

Your husband did the same as my dad. He started off good with adult daycare and then toward the end of the week he was pitching a fit. We were taking him to the car and he was taking his feet off so they would drag knowing we would stop and saying you all not going to be telling me what to do and sending me off somewhere you want me to go (along those lines). Public transportation drivers were getting the riot act because they would not drive him to his home and yes he still knows which way it takes to get in route.

We have not tried the black rug but you are so right in that they study to figure a way out or around. Obstacles are a challenge. Put something to block the entryway, he would study and then remove the obstacle (no sofa, no chair, no child gate, no other heavy object, etc).  His sibling would say lock the brakes on the wheelchair. It's like what a joke. He drives the wheelchair like a car (if only you could see him maneuver - I mean backward and forward.)

Give him a wrench and the wheelchair and bed would be taken apart. For a while, I would question myself on how the bedrails would end up down by morning. But finally one day, he demonstrated (pull here and hit it).

I'll follow your post for a while and hope you can get more ideas.
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My cousin put a key type bolt on thevinside his doors when my Uncle was alive. Yes, they are considered a Fire hazard but my Uncle was never alone. Someone was with him 24/7. I used child safety covers for my Mom. I have round knobs. They fit over the knob and just go around and around making it hard to get out. Only you know how to open the foor.

Check with your local Police to see if they supply tracking devices. With ours, its free of charge.
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Memory12345 Sep 2021
As I said, he's already rejected the (very ugly, green, looks like a mental patient tracker, which I guess it is) tracking bracelet that was offered. The monthly subscription has to be paid by the customer.
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Can u put a tracker on him he cannot remove? Can u do it while he is sleeping?
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Memory12345 Sep 2021
He has already rejected the idea of a tracking bracelet. It would annoy him and he would pester me to take it off. He's pretty aware of his own body still.
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I have three locks on the front door and baby latches on all my door walls, he cannot figure them out. I have oven and burner covers for the stove which are awesome and fridge locks because he will remover food if I am not downstairs. I bought all these on Amazon it also helps that I have three grandchildren. I also have put bungy cords on all my gates so he cannot get out of the yard.
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Memory, I am posting this based on your reply to Grandma.

I agree with Grandma, get someone to come into the home. If it is a 4 hour minimum great, that will give you time for your nap, to go for lunch with a friend or do some shopping.

The helper can engage your husband in activities, have lunch with him, take him for a walk, listen to his stories etc. Perhaps they can do puzzles together to allow your husband to exercise his wits?

Getting help in now, will allow you and your husband to get used to there being someone in your home. Eventually your husband will need far more help.

There is no way of knowing when your husband will stop trying to get out of the house and decide to cook something.

Please be mindful about your husband's strength. If he ever uses it against you, please get help immediately.
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My LBD husband is up and down all night and starts to walk out of the bedroom. I have an alarm on the house at night so that will be a shock, but I got a bunch of small bells and put them up high on a hook on the inside of the bedroom door so I would wake up if he tries to leave. Its worked several times. I also put an i.d. bracelet on him with his name, my name and phone, birthdate, blood type, and that he has LBD and a pacemaker. He feels more secure with it on as he knows he can't find his way to the bathroom these days, much less leaving the house...I am heartened by all the help on this site! I too am sleep deprived and nap during the day.
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Maybe you need to hire someone to keep an eye on him so you can get some sleep!
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Hi

Is there a way to have a tag made to attach to all of his shirts on the back ? One that says " Hi , I'm Joe , I have memeory issues and I'm lost , please call ...... " Don't know how he will feel about it though .
Another thing perhaps is have a dog tag made on a necklace, would he have that on ? Present it as a gift , with his name " with love to Joe" on one side and his address and number on the other . Have it edged in red so it's visible and not too long so it's not lost in the shirt .
Another thing is a nice bracelet with the info carved into it . He might like that. If you have a nice silver bracelet see if he will put it on and observe if he takes it off or refuses. See how many days it last .
A smart watch might work too , not sure what they cost . It looks normal but you can track his movements through the app . That's if he doesn't take it off .
Othere trackers to look into , some link to your phone, one is a shoe tracker and others clip on to the person:

Angel sense
Gps smart sole
ITraq
Medic alert safety home
Mind me
Pocket finder
Project lifesaver
Revolutionary tracker
Safelink
Trax


Best of luck

L
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I have done two things. The first is the least expensive.
1. Install Defender Security U 9888 Flip Action Door Lock on your door jambs. They are about $2-$3 apiece at Lowe’s and are easy to install. My wife is very non-mechanical and if she were to figure out how to unlatch it she would create such a racket doing so that I would wake up.
2. If you have a home security system you could set the alarm for being at the “at home” mode. The alarms would go off if he opens a door or window. Security systems vary widely in cost. I use CPI. I paid about $800 for my system and a monthly monitoring fee of $39.

Hopefully either or both together would be enough to wake you. I use both of flip locks and the alarm system.
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My husband is a wanderer. After he went outside in the middle of the night in cold weather in his underwear, I had an alarm installed. I would set it at night and if he opened an outside door at night, the alarm would go off and wake me up. I tried using it during the day, in order to take a nap, but he would always set it off, so that was the end of naps. I have a medic ID bracelet on him with name, address and my cell phone number. I also bought him a Verizon Gizmo watch. I can track him by my phone. Last month, I gave up and put him in a MC facility. I'm praying for you, Memory, that God will give you wisdom as you make hard decisions about your husband's care. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out.
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What would happen if there’s a fire and neither of you can get out? You might panic and not be able to open the door or you could be overcome by the smoke during a nap and you would both be trapped. If you have a round door knob order the plastic devices that they use to keep children from opening doors. They snap onto the door knob and they are cheap. Good luck
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It gets old -saying it & seeing it proven again & again: <One person cannot do it all when it’s a 24 hr job!> You must take care of yourself first. Either a night nurse or someone to relieve you for a few hours during the day is absolutely essential. Can family help? GET help somehow!
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Doug4321 Sep 2021
Right. Research what you have to do to get help. If necessary, go to an eldercare attorney and see what you have to do to qualify for Medicaid.
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I had an alarm in the bed. It was a pad and when he got up I would here a ding dong sound. I also had from the sheriff office a gps for his wrist. If he wandered they can find him pretty quickly. My husband passed away 7 months ago from dementia, he was 84. I still ant sleep because I was used to him getting up a lot. The alarm I donated to hospice, I paid about $100 on Amazon. The gps is free and they come once a month to check the battery. Take all the help you can get, its a very difficult thing to deal with. Good luck!
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Im sorry to hear you and your husband have to go throught this at all. My parents have dementia. I am taking one day at and most of the time researching everything under the sun about dementia and alzheimers. They are not in stages of wandering out anywhere yet.
Years ago I put in Alarms on all our windows and doors for peace of mind for security reasons.
They have simple installation and they sell them at the Hardware store. It's a magnetic device that when the door or window gets open and alarm goes off when the both side seperate. They take batteries.
Prayers for you both that you can figure this out. 🙏
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We bought a “simply safe “ system from Amazon. It was easy to install and worked like a charm. We install the sensor on each Door to the outside. That way we knew whenever she left the house. It also came with a little camera we could put in her bedroom so I would know in the night if she was up milling around. I doubt it will help you get more sleep but at least you’ll know when she goes outside
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Thats what I have, lock you need a key to open either side. On my front door, back door and garage door. There are locks for windows too. I know I thought that was crazy too, invest in them. I am network administrator and installed locks my self, only thing I didn't think of... have them all keyed the same before installation. It didn't cross my mind until I was done. 🤔😉
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tjstyme Sep 2021
I also keep hide a key next to each door just in case.
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You can put baby doorknob protector covers on the doors.
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deedee2travel Sep 2021
I agree with your recommendation. I put these on to keep my husband in the house, especially during the night. He kept getting up, opening the door and setting off the alarm. This stopped when I put the doorknob protector covers on the door. Easy solution.
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This is not a safe solution, as others have said what if there is a fire? You need to consider placement, you cannot do all this yourself. It is not fair that you are depending on your neighborhood and the police to keep him safe. Soon one of them is going to turn you in for elder neglect because you have let this happen over and over. Call your local area on aging and ask for some one to tell you what kind of help you might qualify for.
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Sarah3 Sep 2021
Op im sorry for this comment,
your definitely not neglecting him- your facing the real issue what other devoted loved ones caring for a spouse parent or grandparent etc face and are very conscientious.

pls disregard this comment some people just don’t think before they reply. There are all kinds of dementia products online to place on a door for this common issue
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Have you considered a GPS tracker that goes on shoes if he should get out?
I agree with all the others who suggest locks on the doors.
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I use an Apple Watch for my (70)husband that you can use to track him with find my phone. He would need his own iPhone as well. It is an expensive option but gave me a sense of peace especially when we traveled. You can put your face on screen for him to call it.

In addition, you can get a regular type med bracelet with info printed..address, emergency contacts, he has dementia etc. that would help emergency personnel or kind strangers locate you. It’s stainless chain link (Amazon), he might accept it as a bracelet or a gift from you or your children

Good recommendations on site I might try.

I use a stick in the back sliders. Had difficulty installing cabinet locks. I also worry but am starting adult daycare soon.
If you can remember lock stove, oven and microwave while you nap. My husband never bothered with it and then one day, gas was on. I’ve used a bike lock threaded into handles of refrigerator and freezer when I could leave him for a bit. Be sure all meds etc are not easily accessible
Wonder if he would stay in bedroom with you even if he walks around and you could put a simple hook/eye on bedroom door higher up than his sight vision
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Why would you think a locksmith would refuse to install a deadbolt???

Other options such as a apple watch aren’t as safe bc you could track him to a location where he’s already run into some sort of troubles for example, he could be walking and go to cross the street and worse case scenario get hit by a car - the tracking device simply lets you know where he is it doesn’t really keep him safe as having him secure at home does ( not trying to scare you just trying to explain why tracking devices to me don’t seem nearly as safe as placing a type of lock that prevents leaving while your taking a nap, using the restroom etc)
To address a comment I saw below about fire — the risks of him walking around outside ( the tracking device is not safe bc sure- you can track him right to the location of a accident- if he walks out and for ex tries to cross the street and we’re to get hit by a car) if you have a fire alarm installed it will go off at the smallest detection of smoke and the piercing noise will wake you up immediately. Your only taking some naps here or there during the day and needing to do laundry etc so the risk of him getting outside is far more of a risk to his safety than the chances of a fire which are drastically less than the chances of him walking outside making the deadbolt the logical answer to helping you be able to do some laundry without keeping an eye on him every second so he doesn’t go outside - the times where you nap a bit the odds of a fire are extremely low and even then a fire alarm will let you know immediately much louder than an tracking watch!!
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