Husband wants to move mother-in-law in. Any advice?

Don't do this.

That's all you're going to hear, as advice.

Sad she's losing her SO< but that's not your problem, and she shouldn't be either.

My DH wanted his dad to move in with us. B/C that's what families DO, right? It was an epic showdown and I ended up doing all of of FIL's care in his home, making 3-4 trips to his condo per day. Luckily this only went on for 4+ months, and FIL was a sweet guy--but we had no room for him, he had a deep, phlegmy cough that would start up as soon as he began eating and would last until the meal was over. I had 2 teenagers in the house and they'd be unable to eat, listening to this cough. (He had leukemia and severe lung damage from 45 years as a firefighter).

I had to pull the divorce card from the pile, too, to get DH to realize I simply could NOT take care of his dad AND my dad (respite for mom) AND run a house AND still be raising kids.

Dh, to this day blames me a little for being selfish. I was quite the opposite.

Your MIL sounds awful--is your hubby on board right NOW with her care? B/C he has no idea what's he's in for.

No matter what, YOU should not be supporting her. Help DH to get her on Medicaid and she can live within those parameters. She's chosen this life, this, sadly, is the result of poor choices.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Believe me divorcing before there's hate between you and your husband will leave the door open to reconciliation at some point. If you move his lazy, dirty, disgusting slattern of a mother in, the divorce will be bitter and hateful. Then there will be no chance of getting back together.
You mention her "legal status". What do you mean by "legal status"? If she is illegally squatting in the United States, one phone call to ICE will solve that problem. If she has family in a different country they should be contacted. Buy her a plane ticket. Do not stay with your husband if he plans of financially supporting his mother. Who pays for her weed? Maybe they can buy her a plane ticket back home.
Under no circumstances and for no reason should you buy a home until your MIL is permanently living somewhere. Do not buy a place. If your husband insists that his mother will be living with the two of you, then see a lawyer. Do not take her in.

Don’t buy a house and don’t agree to live with her. You should be his priority not his mom. Get a divorce and move on if he won’t give up this idea.

You are very right in telling your husband that you are not buying a house with him and have his weed smoking and bad hygiene mother move in with you two.

Bravo for being young and strong. Here are the possible outcomes:

--You two divorce because he chooses his mother over you and because you don't do what he wants.

--You live in misery with his horrible mother because he chooses her happiness over yours and because you went along with what he wanted.

--Your finances are now tied down to the new house because you went along with what he wanted and went against what your intelligent head told you not to do.

--You're stuck living in a house that doesn't feel like a home to which you don't want to go back at the end of the day.

--You now hate his mother and resent your husband, but most of all, you regret buying a house with him and letting his mother move in.

--You now consider getting divorced and think how expensive the lawyer's fees might be, and how expensive it would be to sell the house and split the money, and other assets.

--You are once again single, but divorced with a deep scar in your heart. You have lost a big chunk of money both on lawyers and the house. You wonder how to start a new life.

--Or maybe your husband wises up and chooses his marriage and his wife over his horrid mother. Perhaps, a couple counseling might help. You two can stand strong and look for ways to help his mother without ruining your marriage.

Honestly I don't know why anyone bothers to get married. These things should be talked about before the wedding not after when it's more complicated to sever ties. Whatever you do don't get pregnant otherwise you will be stuck even after you divorce.

I'm very sorry for your situation. It's clear to me that this marriage is headed for divorce one way or another. He clearly puts his mom's welfare above yours, and that's not okay because he always will. Before you let a slovenly, overentitled, dirty, and presumably penniless drug addict take over your home, your husband and your marriage, think again. If I were you, with my whole life and a bright future ahead of me, I'd ditch this man and his mother. You can find someone who will love and cherish you and put you first in all things. That's the way it should be. So move out now and never look back. Divorce him. Five years from now you'll be glad you did.

"He’s so upset with me for not agreeing to this. He doesn’t and won’t give thought to any other option of care for her."

He's set on taking over her care, That's his prerogative. He can and should if he wants to or else his conscience will eat at him. There's a grezt chance that he will regret his decision, but he has to go down this road in order to realize it. However, he does not have the right to force you to go along. This is where you part ways and wish him a good life with his terrible mother.

Parents. They can ruin their children's lives when the kids are young, and when they are adults. Wouldn't it be great if we could choose our parents?

Time for an ultimatum.

He can live with you or your mom. Not both.

If she moves in, you move out.

Just-say-NO.

Has he even run this idea past his mother? Maybe she has no intention of doing this anyway.

That said, I always advise young people to look at the parents, not just the boyfriend/girlfriend before embarking on a marriage, because that's where they learned how a relationship works. Very few people (my dad being one) realize where their parents went wrong and go on to be stellar wives and husbands by doing the opposite of what they learned as children.

Honestly, I'd consult a divorce attorney now, so you know where you stand should your husband continue making bad decisions. You don't have to file for divorce, but be ready to go on the offensive if it comes to that.

Well to look on the bright side...You have not yet purchased the house.
And do not make any major purchases until this is sorted out.
IF you want this to work I think sessions with a marriage counselor is in order.
To ignore your feelings and input on this is a disrespect you.
Begin saving as much as you can for YOURSELF and consult with a divorce attorney before you make any changes. (Do not move out until you have consulted an attorney)

I am curious about the use of the term "legal status"
Is this having to do with the Law or is she undocumented. If this is the case then he would be her sole support. Can he fully support himself and her?

I do hope you do not have any children at this point. If so he will be supporting himself, mom and kids

I think this may be cultural. If MIL does not have a greencard then she is illegal and probably stayed off the radar because she either worked under the table or had someone supporting her. Not sure what options she is going to have but your husband should not be supporting her. May need to talk to an immigration lawyer. Me personally, would not have her living with me nor near my baby.

What your DH needs to realize is that once he married, his wife and children become #1. His mother is in the position she is because she didn't do something about her status years ago. She may have been able to stay here by applying for residency. She chose to let men support her. I doubt she would have been sent back to a country she had never really lived in.

"She’s messy, has bad hygiene, smokes weed all day, just sits on the couch." Does he expect you to care for her? Does he really want his child exposed to this? If she lived with me, she would not be sitting around doing nothing all day. Even in her 60s there are jobs out there that may pay under the table. And d**n if I would pay for her weed. I may house her and feed her but she would need to make her own money for her toiletries, clothing and medical. Was she married to SO. If so, she maybe entitled to his Social Security. Not sure if she would need a green card to collect. There are Mexican citizens that work in the US but go home to Mexico after work. They are entitled to the SS they paid into.

Your MIL is in a pickle and it should not be up to you to get her out. You could be caring for her for the next 30 yrs or more. DH needs to look ahead. You may want to make it clear that you will not be her caregiver at any time of her life. Nor will she be allowed to stink up UR house with BO and weed. And it is UR house not hers. Maybe find a place with a garage apt and put her there.

Because it seems Mom maybe considered an illegal she really has no options. If she has never paid into SS she can't get it or Medicare. You husband is between a rock and a hard place here. Again, Mom may need an immigration lawyer.

Candice, you and your husband have a child together. This child needs to be protected from the weed smoking grandmother. You protect your child and yourself.

Your husband protects his drug addict mother because he sees her as helpless and dependent and he has to rescue her.

I see those as two different paths.

As it certainly sounds like you’ll have no choice but to leave this situation, be very sure to get court ordered child support. I’ve counseled too many young women who relied upon a man saying he’d pay or help and then not coming through. A court ordered payment plan, even if he doesn’t pay, can follow him for life. And I’m very sorry your husband doesn’t understand that his first priority is his wife and child, far above his mother. And I’m glad you have the wisdom to know this will not work. You’re setting a good example for your child by standing up for yourself and what is right in a marriage.

I don't care who she is, who wants a lazy, stinky, dope head living in their home.

Husband needs to decide if he is a married man or a dutiful little mommy's boy.

I would divorce my husband before I was subjected to having this in my home. But, it is up to you to decide if being with him is more important then your own well-being.

She already has kids with him. It's too late. He will pout and sulk until momma moves in. Her only card to play is not buying a house. But this will keep coming up in their marriage until mother dies. Hopefully she does live to be 100+. And even if she doesn't move in dollars to doughnuts sonny boy will be funding mommas lifestyle.

If you are going to go the divorce route, or threat of it,, I would mention the fact that MIL smokes weed all day, in front of the children I would assume if she moves in. we are certainly moving into a more liberal time, but I still think most courts would not be impressed by someone smoking weed in front of young children, possible leaving it around where they could get into it. And imagine what they may say at school.. and then the investigations begin. And the gossip...

In some states it may be legal to smoke pot.
Federal laws still deem it illegal.

If you expose your baby to pot in your home with MIL smoking there, you will be prosecuted for child endangerment, and will lose custody of your child.
CPS has their own laws, rules, judges.

And your husband wants to support her and pay for her pot? It does not matter if the pot is medicinal and Mil has the right to use it. Your child has the right to grow up in a drug free home that is safe. Does your husband disagree?

I don't care how liberal, carefree, or cool it seems to be accepting of pot, don't expose your child, or yourself.

Just say "NO" to drugs.

I would simply say that isn't happening and the day it does is the day I would be moving out. I MYSELF would want a divorce from someone who thinks my opinion matters not at all. Leave him to care for his mother. I hope that you have a decent job. I would NEVER buy with this many unless he understood I would be leaving in these circumstances. I think this is a serious marriage relationship problem. I wouldn't even bother to seek counseling. It seems there are no children; that's a great relief for your sake and for theirs. Leave him to his mama.

As a retired teacher, I want to remind you that teachers are mandated reporters.

If a student comes in with a backpack, or clothing that stinks like weed, I would have to report it.

Social Services would be out there in a flash, and you do not want to have to deal with the ramifications of THAT.

Plus, your child might indeed share details of your home life with his/her teachers, along with other children. It will be a MESS.

If MIL buys weed, that means that her dealer, along with like-minded people could start showing up in your home. This could lead to all sorts of danger.

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD.

Candy, you are NOT defeated right now, you can just see the battle that in fact has always been waiting for you. Divorce is not much fun, I know only too well, but it is better than some other alternatives. After divorce, you can still get to be happy in a few years (or less). If you end up stuck inside this battle, you will be in it for most of your life.

Polarbear’s post that starts ‘you are right’ is spot on. Believe it. Be very careful about relying on 'promises' from your husband. Whatever you do at this point, don’t go ahead with a joint house purchase, and do get a court-ordered child support payment if you separate.

I just read where MIL has been here since she was a baby, illegally.

Let her lazy self get deported. There have been 2 amnesties and she hasn't bothered to get legal, consequences for bad choices usually suck. I say bye bye! She obviously has nothing to offer anyone, so let her deal with being a useless waste of oxygen in the country she chose to remain a citizen of.

"He doesn’t and won’t give thought to any other option of care for her".

Yup. Man retreat to shed. Want no think.

Message for Cand1ce's man;
Come on, stop being a Cave Man! Use that BRAIN you have.

LOOK at the situation.
(Mom needs help/home)
WHO'S problem does it actually belong to?
(Mom)

He can CHOOSE to help his Mom by pointing her towards housing services, elder services, a doctor, a social worker, a leader at her church/temple.

He can CHOOSE to set her up in a home & go live with her. (Although this has DIRE consequences - he will lose his wife, children & house).

He CANNOT choose what other people do.
He CANNOT move his Mom into a home he shares with his wife or have his wife provide care unless his WIFE agrees.

Keep repeating these until he GETS it.
No
I said no
I said NO
I SAID NO

It appears on another similar post that Husband IS starting to get it. There is hope there.

Maybe appeal to his Intelligence?

Oh, I am sure you are smart enough to help your Mother find herself another solution.

Or his Manliness??
A strong man would say No to his Mom. Ouch 😜

It always angers me to read things like this, that "He’s so upset with me for not agreeing to this. He doesn’t and won’t give thought to any other option of care for her." Who comes first in this man's life? You and his CHILD or his youngish MOTHER who is " messy, has bad hygiene, smokes weed all day, just sits on the couch"? Obviously the answer is 'his mother' or you wouldn't be posting this concern here on the forum nor would your moronic DH be upset with you and giving you no other choice in the matter BUT to have her move in. Being in her late 60s means she can live another THIRTY YEARS. Think about that for a minute: 3 decades! :(

BUT: this woman's SO is not dead yet. And in reality, 'a possibility that he will pass away soon' doesn't mean he WILL pass away soon, right? You are probably jumping the gun here, BUT, this woman will be horning in on you one day, sooner or later. So NOW is the time to sort all this out with DH and either come to an agreement where he puts you and your child first or you file for divorce. Unless you want to agree to having her move in and take over your home with her disgusting habits? I don't see any other way out of this.

Ask your DH why he married you if he was planning on supporting and housing his mother for the rest of her life? And why, then, did he not TELL you that was his intent BEFORE you said I Do so you could've said I DON'T? People who have hidden agendas in life wind up hiding the truth from their spouse until it reaches a point like THIS, and then you're gobsmacked. Which is so unfair it's ridiculous.

I think you have no other choice but to put your foot down hard on this matter, then stick to your guns. See a divorce lawyer too so you'll know where you stand BEFORE you make any decisions.

I wish you good luck & Godspeed getting through to your husband here. I don't advise 'marriage counseling' b/c the man doesn't see that asking his mother to live with you is a problem to begin with. He'd have to SEE that in order to make marriage counseling work, b/c it's necessary to compromise in a marriage. Forcing his mother upon you is not 'compromising'.

When you say your H is the golden child, does this mean he has siblings? (Often, the golden child is the one who skips out on any caregiving or responsibility. At least that is what we read on this forum.)

What is your financial situation? Do you work outside the home? How old are you?

Please start thinking ahead to what is probable divorce. Do NOT buy a house right now.

Curious...what country is MIL from?

((((Hugs)))) Please don't do this. You know you and your child cannot live with your mil. I agree that counseling may help. It's worth a try for both of you, and even just for you to have the support to maintain your boundaries. Your dh's priorities are plain wrong. An outsider may get through to him.

Make it clear to him that you will not buy if mil is going to move in. Be sure she has other arrangements before you buy. I think before buying, if that becomes a possibility, I would go to a lawyer to draw up a contract for him to sign that a condition of the purchase is that at no point will she move in - not now, not in the future.

Really you have nothing to lose by taking a stand. If he is determined to move mil in with you, you know the two of you will separate anyway, You drawing a line in the sand puts the ball back in his court.

Protect your self and your child. I am so sorry you are facing this.

Never allow your MIL to move in. Not for one single day. I wouldn't even allow her to visit your house until she had an alternative living solution.

If I were in this situation, I would rather divorce than have MIL come and live with you and your child. It will be a very negative situation and impact you and your child for the rest of your lives. MIL is relatively young so could be living with you for 20 years, or more!

Don't even try it. It is not an option. Either help your husband and his siblings find a solution for her or find somewhere else for you and your child.

One conversation to have with him is to have him tell you he envisions life with mom living there. Does he see her as a productive member of the household? Who does he see caring for her? Often men just think” get a roof over her head and everything else will work out”. They honestly think fairies take care of “ everything else”.

First figure out legal status - I find it hard to believe after being in America for 69 years she did Not become a citizen . Drug addicts usually Lie to get their way . next there is Low income housing for seniors . The Lady sounds manipulative she had one Sap pay for her and now figures her son will Pay for her . What ever you do dont Buy the house .

First of all the answer from me would be... NO!
Second the answer would be... H3LL NO!
and well
Third the answer would be... ARE YOU KIDDING ME... NO!
Just in your description of her situation I would say no. My thing is this if they have the nerve to ask you should have the nerve to say NO! You cannot change a person have husband look at the situation and ask him if he wants her mess in his new house because you can only see that coming! : (