I also sold my house it was just too big. I live in NC he lives in Buffalo. I still have not found a house. If I mention any type of help he won't have it. No strangers. He is a very needy person. Some days I'm okay with him living with me, others not so much. He wants me to live with him. That will not happen my family is in N.C. It makes me feel guilty. I am just starting to get my life back in order. I lost my husband suddenly. Any suggestion on how to handle him getting him to make up his mind. I have a brother who is out of the picture. I also have a sister but she still works and has her own issues. My dad does not always listen to me about his meds. One other thing while I am looking for a home I am living with my son. He says we could live with him but with my dad it would be a disaster. He thinks he is head of house meaning telling you about how you do things raising kids or just going to store after dark. Any suggestion would be great. Sometimes I feel selfish because I'm just starting to get my life back. Just yesterday he told me if I would come live with him he would pay $200.00 a month. I told him no. I do come back to Buffalo to help him out. Thank you for any advice.
Sorry for your lost.,🙏💕 Don't let ''Satan sepetate u and your father."
Work on relationship with him!
Remember God knows your purpose in life.
If the father did, he would be among the majority of the adult children in this forum with horror stories of how their parents turn their lives upside down, consume their lives, their health, their savings, their future, their grandchildren's future, and make their lives a living hell.
What would you do with all that money? Tell him to keep his money to hire outside help, and see how long his $200 will last. He is out of his mind. And that may be the case literally.
Don't even touch that 'generous' offer with a 10-foot pole, unless you want to volunteer for servitude. You are forewarned.
His meals cooked, served and cleaned up? His washing done, dried and sorted? His house cleaned and kept tidy? His weekly shopping done? (and does he expect his $7 a day to cover the cost of his food, or is that ‘pin money’ for you to fritter away?) Will you need to contribute to household bills in return for ‘free rent’? Are you fit enough to take on yard work and occasional DIY? And it’s all down to you – he says ‘no strangers’.
That’s just for now. If he needs personal care – mobility, continence care, a personal driver – it rapidly gets to be an even better deal for him.
Emotionally, he is ‘head of the household’. He expects you to move and get your life together in a strange place, starting from scratch. He will have no obligations as an employer. If you want to quit, he has lost nothing but you start all over again.
Is this reasonable for him to expect? Not likely! If he thinks it is reasonable at 86 when you aren’t suggesting that he has dementia, is he likely to become more reasonable later on? Why do you say that you want him ‘to make up his mind’? Why wouldn’t he do his best to guilt you into this amazing deal for him?
Stop judging yourself and take a look at reality. In spite of his shortcomings, you wouldn’t want him to be a victim of a huge exploitive scam, so don’t go there yourself!
I write asking you:
How do you feel day in and day out:
Waking up to coffee with your Dad.
Prompting him to take his medication.
Asking him for $200 per month.
Tidying the home.
A role in his monthly or weekly Doctors and hospital's appiontments.
Having free unlimited contact with your children.
Just to let you know: I just had a month from having a break from caring for my husband for a month. We are both only 52 years old. I love and care for my husband. One continued sticky point with caring for him is he is not good from just having a one on one intamite friendship with me.
But the good outweighs the bad. Hugely.
Mum is 77 years old. Because of my huge role of caring for my darling husband there is no way I would be able to care for her in the years to come. She is:
Demanding.
Needy.
Very bad with managing her money.
Lies.
I'm asking you what do you think will be in the balance. Will the good outweigh the bad?
From reading your words, I feel you already know that you don’t want your father living with you. You still haven’t figured out your own future direction so why take him on
if you were his son and not his daughter would he be asking? Why do people assume that the woman will drop everything, give up their plans and devote their life to caring?
Is your father having financial troubles or other worries. Perhaps you and your son go and see him to find out what might really be going on. As I always say be assertive not aggressive. Be strong and don’t give in. I am sure there are alternatives that would work
Jerry Hansen
Elder Law attorney
Carlsbad, CA
Very few people go willingly to assited living but it may be his best option. Mom tried it out for 3 weeks and made the choice her self. She has her cleaning and laundry done, meds administered, meals prepared, help with bathing, safety monitoring, etc.
You cant pay for this kind if help in home. Consider that the staff of an ASF goes home after a 6-8 hour shift, if he lives with you you are on-call 24-7 and never reallly get a chance to relax. Its like having a toddler again!
Call A Place for Mom and talk to a councilor about finding a place for him, they were a huge hepl to me. We toured several places, at meals there, talked to residents and staff. Ultimately it was Mom who made the choice. Its not perfect but she is taking her meds as ordered, eating well, and has a choice of activities.
Be firm and tell Dad his choices dont include living with you.
Buffalo's cost of living is 82/100 meaning it's cheaper than the US average. North Carolina as a whole is 96/100 meaning it's more expensive than Buffalo. That also means that, if you sell his house, he will have fewer proceeds to pay for assisted living in North Carolina as compared to Buffalo.
Another thing to consider is does he have friends and family in Buffalo? Old people need to be around their peers. Find out if any of his old buddies or neighbors are now living in a retirement village in Buffalo.
It clearly won't work for Dad to live with everyone if he is going to persist the way his personality is...and he is clueless as far as his allowance to you. That doesn't barely cover a day of private hire. Don't feel guilty. You are still young, grieving, and have life left to live. Contact the area agency on aging in Buffalo an provide him with the some resources.
Make boundaries that suit you so you are still assisting him but he is not making all the rules. If he does not want strangers or help he will need to live with consequences of that. He will try to wear you down to getting his own way all on his terms. I had similar situation with my Father now in care facility.
He asked me out of desperation if I would go and live with him after years of him hinting. I said no as I had a life to lead and also that he will never compromise and wants his own way. He was not happy and still blames me for where he is. To look after him at home would now be impossible but he is in denial and still believes he will go home some day. Stay strong and firm .You can still be kind. Good luck with this
What I find so interesting and frustrating about an elder parent is that in no way will they accept help coming to their home or going to live in AL but by golly they will impose on their own children. So basically it’s fine for him to put his foot down. Guess what...you’re an adult and it’s fine to put your foot down. And doing so is not wrong so you have no reason for guilt. What I expect you feel is this "societal norm" to feel like it’s your duty. You are still going to be grieving for years as you roller coaster through this massive life change. Tell your father you are not in a position to have him live with you nor you with him. End of sentence. But that you are willing to help as you can from a distance. If he wants to move into a nice AL near you then you will help with that.
Sending hugs as you deal with your decision and realize you have as much right to boundaries as he does.
Any additional insights would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your previous input - it was so helpful.
You are just getting your life back together. It may be good for your Father but bad for you. Too much tension and stress - a recipe for disaster. You have a perfect out - even though you do not have to explain yourself.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - coming from a frequent guilt-trip traveler like myself.
Hope this helps.
You have no reason to feel guilty, you want a life. That is completely normal. You have said it all, your dad will make a mess of it.
He can move into an assisted living facility and get the support he needs while you remain his daughter. This is acceptable and not one person can say different.
Read this forum and see how hard it gets and you will know that not becoming his caregiver is the smartest thing you will ever do.
Tell him you have a LIFE in NC and do not want to move. He can't argue with you saying you don't want to do something. That $200 stipend offer was hysterical.
There is nothing wrong with telling him that you don't want to spend your golden years cleaning up after him. I would use that if he tries to guilt you into caring for him. Assure him you will help him find care but it won't be you doing it.