I also sold my house it was just too big. I live in NC he lives in Buffalo. I still have not found a house. If I mention any type of help he won't have it. No strangers. He is a very needy person. Some days I'm okay with him living with me, others not so much. He wants me to live with him. That will not happen my family is in N.C. It makes me feel guilty. I am just starting to get my life back in order. I lost my husband suddenly. Any suggestion on how to handle him getting him to make up his mind. I have a brother who is out of the picture. I also have a sister but she still works and has her own issues. My dad does not always listen to me about his meds. One other thing while I am looking for a home I am living with my son. He says we could live with him but with my dad it would be a disaster. He thinks he is head of house meaning telling you about how you do things raising kids or just going to store after dark. Any suggestion would be great. Sometimes I feel selfish because I'm just starting to get my life back. Just yesterday he told me if I would come live with him he would pay $200.00 a month. I told him no. I do come back to Buffalo to help him out. Thank you for any advice.
Help your dad sell his house and use the proceeds to pay for a unit for himself in a retirement community in Buffalo. There are plenty of retirement villages in and around Buffalo.
Your father is pressuring you and that is unfair. He may not be aware that he is taking advantage of a sensitive time in your life. Unfortunately, many old people become self-centered and unrealistic (I had to laugh at his $200 a month offer).
From North Carolina, start researching retirement villages and inquiring about units and cost. Make a list of the ones you want to visit by yourself the next time you're visiting your dad. Take your dad to tour and have lunch at the ones that make your final list.
From North Carolina, you also can make contact with a realtor in Buffalo. It's time for your dad to downsize. It's already mid-March and the best homes go up for sale early in the spring. A realtor can help you determine if that can get done this spring or to prepare for next spring. Once your dad is settled, perhaps you will feel a little less burdened and future plans for yourself may unfold more organically. Mourning and grief cannot be rushed.
You have my deepest sympathy on the devastating loss of your husband.
You can give him all the reasons in the world and he'll probably do "yes, but..." So keep it simple - "No, I couldn't possibly do that". You're not being selfish - you're being a functional adult.
Just be honest and firm with Dad. Say to him " Dad you need to listen". I am sorry but you cannot come here to live. At this point I am trying to get my life together and I am sure what ever I decide I will be staying in NC. This is where my family, friends and life are. You need to make decisions concerning your care. I will be glad to come up and help you look for a nice AL. You won't have to worry about anything. You will have a nice room, 3 meals a day, activities. The house is going to get too much. You have no one to help you with it. You don't need to decide this now, but think about it.
I will give you a negative about him moving to NC. I have found with the elderly people I have known, that when children ask them to move to another state with them, the people die within the year. Yes, some have health problems but I really think moving them away from what they know is a shock to their systems. You are taking them away from what is familiar. Friends, Church their social life. One woman was moving from NJ to Vegas to be near a daughter. She had a stroke on the way and died shortly after. He is better where he is, finding the resources to help him.
Living with him you are going to be his little girl and that is how you will be treated. And, you will have to try and make a life in basically in strange place. If he lives with you, can you set boundries? Can you make him understand, your house your rules. Then its a senior caring for another senior. And then its adjusting to living with someone you haven't lived with in 40 yrs. Two adults now. Both set in their ways, him even more so.
I prayed Dad would go before Mom, he did have a number of health problems. I would never have moved him in with me, my husband wouldn't have allowed it anyway. My Dad had no respect for other peoples belongings. He was a King of his Castle and Mom catered to him. I wouldn't have. Nor would I have physically took care of him. Mom had to make him shower and change clothes. She was constantly cleaning up his accidents in the bathroom. I hate to clean and once I do I want it kept that way. I don't clean up after my husband (his Mom trained him right) and I wouldn't have cleaned up after my father. He would have been in LTC where he could tell his stories to new people. Really, he would have loved it.
Take it from me, mom lives with me since 2005, age 93, it is HARD! Don't take on that responsibility if your heart is telling you not to. Won't be good for either of you. Support him as much as you can, but don't give up your entire life for him.
Your life is still at sixes & sevens. Do not let fear, obligation or guilt make your life choices for you!!!
Tell your Dad neither of you is living with the other. Not in his house, not in your house. No waffling, no maybes, no wait & see. Just say NO!!! And keep saying NO. Keep saying NO to any situation or suggestion that is not right for you.
When the timing is right you will know when you are ready to say YES to what life is offering you.
Am sending hugs & positive vibes your way!
I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.
Look, you really DO have to put yourself first. Your whole life is still off balance. You are in no position to be somebody else's mainstay. Not now.
What would your father's plans have been if your life had not changed and he wasn't including you in them? See if you can help him pick up from there again.
But keep your own plans separate. It is early days, but have you been able to think about where YOU would like to live and what YOU would like to do?
Your later working years and early retirement are not going to be how you planned, and I'm sure losing your husband was devastating. But that doesn't mean that you can't still look forward to a different future. Please keep in touch and let us know your thoughts.