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Hi, I'm new to this forum. Here's the backstory: My dad and I have never gotten along. I am not sure if it's a subconscious thing on his end, but he's never really liked me. He has told me the most horrible things, things you'd never tell a daughter. He treats the other siblings just fine. I am the middle child out of three kids.


Really high level: My dad's health started taking a major turn for the worse in the last 10 years, more so the last 6 years. His heart is only functioning at 20% and he's half-blind. He let his house go and needs help with some labor throughout the house. I help out with 98% of it. I mow his lawn, shovel snow, clean up his dog poop in his house (never trained the dog properly), clean out the gutters of his roof, list goes on and on. My sister helps out when she's able to, but she lives out of state. My brother? Hasn't done much of anything to help. He has no desire or anticipatory nature to do anything.


I have taken the brunt of the responsibility and have become the lightning rod for his anger and resentment. He is also the most negative, difficult person I have ever met. This has been so toxic for me, as well as physically and emotionally draining. My health has fallen apart. I don't even PRODUCE cortisol anymore. I am a literal burnout. I struggle with so many emotions. I resent him, I wonder why me? Why am I the one picking up the chores? The ONE time my sister-in-law helped, he was able to clean the house and act like a perfect angel, so no one else sees that I am getting the brunt of his negativity..


I also try to see things from his angle. I see he is limited due to his upbringing. He's reverted back to a wounded child. He was abused as a child. But that still gives him no right to treat me so poorly for so long.


If my mom were still alive, this would NOT happen. She would not allow him to turn into a negative couch potato.


How do I manage going through this without shaving my head and driving into parked cars? (kidding). In all seriousness, I really feel alone. I don't know anyone else who is going through this, and it makes me resent everyone for not being able to relate to me, to not understand that this has taken a major toll. It's affecting my relationships. I absolutely hate it.


Asking for outside help is not an option. My dad already refuses it.

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Let the “good” siblings do the caregiving. Visit , maybe do a little respite coverage for them. LTC is a great idea if money is not an issue or your state medicaid picks up the bill . Save yourself!
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Hello..
Your story sounds similar to mine. My father verbally abused my mom and I for years. I had an unhappy childhood and grew into an adult with no self confidence, constant worry and had two failed marriages because I made bad choices due to my childhood. My mother passed away many years ago and I stepped in to help my father. Now he needs constant care and everyone is looking to me do it and I can not. His family knows how he is but yet expects me to do it all. Right now I'm struggling so bad with anxiety and depression because of this. My advice to you is to get someone to come in and help even if he does not want it. Also, it is probably best for him to be placed in LTC. I know how difficult this can be because right now my father does not want LTC or regular help inside the home because he expects me to do it all even though I work. My mom would never expect this of me. My last piece of advice is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! It is OK to put your needs first. You deserve it for being a wonderful daughter to someone who mistreated you. Sending prayers to you!
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Here friend if you wanna talk
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Choice 1. Take him around to your brother and leave him there
Choice 2. Start getting advice now for placement. Tell your siblings Watch the dominos fall

did you know roughly 30% of carers die before the person they care for

if your dad refuses outside help then do less. A lot less. If he abuses, threatens or hits you. Bonus. Call cops. Refuse to take him back. You have to give yourself positive talk and actions. Don’t be guilted into anything. Best of luck
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Do you live with him? How old is he? What are his finances like?
At any rate. I understand the dilemma. You're the doormat.
You must think hard about what you would tell a real good friend if she were in this position.

Speaking of dogs…I saw a trainer on TV turn her back on her dog each time it started to bark. It might work with your dad. It might not work for all dogs.

You ought to look into getting your dad help rather than to help him. Get in touch with a care manager or a social worker.

If you can, move to New Zealand. :).

You're a participant not a slave.
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This sounds so miserable. Im so sorry for your ordeal. You will not change your father, you can only change your response to the situation.

You are too nice. I would give him notice that if he doesn’t change his attitude towards you, you are walking out of his life and he will never see you again. Also tell him hire help to take care of his house. You are not a servant.

You do not need to accept this abuse. If it continues, walk out.
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Hi, I am in a very similar situation. I understand and relate. I'm still struggling. I don't have great advice, but I can tell you that after years of manipulation and guilt trips, I finally broke. I told him of a time in my teen years when I was alone, neglected and the part he played in that situation. I didn't really want to hurt him or make him feel bad. I just wanted him to understand why its so difficult to get motivated to see him. The manipulation and guilt came back twice as strong (as punishment for calling him out) even though it didn't seem to get through to him I felt proud of my self for finally getting that off my chest.
Then he started talking suicide (obviously trying to get my attention) when I finally responded to that, I told him I was going to be taking some orientation for a potential job and would not be able to visit for two weeks.
I told him if he needed anything, he would have to ask my brother. He's mad at my dad too. But, I was doing everything. So, I figured the best thing to do for me is step back. Be unavailable, let him and my brother figure it out between themselves. Sorry its not the best advice, but I hope it helps to know you're not alone. And don't neglect yourself.
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I understand! I read an article the other day that says the resentment comes from having to put up with the abuse all throughout your life and he (she in my case) gets to rightfully demand you give up your life to cowtow to them and they never have to address anything. So we suffer in silence.
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ventingisback May 2023
Please don't suffer in silence. It'll bite you back (I hope not), in the form of unexpected health issues later, physical, or psychological, depression, worry...

I hope you find a way to protect yourself from being abused. The abuser often gets more and more abusive the older they get.
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"If my mom were still alive, this would NOT happen".

Can I ask.. is Dad a bully?

Bullies respond to strength. Did your Mom stand up to him? What would Mom do?
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Some people caregive a parent to inherit their house. If you don't want it and cannot stand being his sole caregiver due to excessive stress, don't be. Your siblings will keep on doing not much.

His choices are to stay alone in his house, hire a caregiver to help or sell the house to pay for a live-in facility.
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Simple- call the other siblings and tell them that you are no longer going to be taking care of your abusive father and they need to do it or make other arrangements! At the beginning of the call, let them know that they're on speaker phone! Then, record the conversations! Call your father and tell him that you have him on speaker phone! Then tell him that his abuse is more than you are able to tolerate and you will no longer be able to provide help! Call your doctor and get a note saying that caring for your father is a detriment to your health and he/she has informed you to stop! Then, if you are able, move far away! Buh bye, abuse! Hello, serenity! ☺️
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ventingisback May 2023
After your plan:

What will happen is, the sibling won't help. Since Dad doesn't have dementia, APS can't intervene or force anything. If OP leaves, then Dad is left alone in the house. And OP probably doesn't want him to be totally abandoned at home. And Dad refuses to pay for in-home care.
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Why are you taking this on at all? He was a nasty jerk to you your whole life? If it was me, I would never speak to him again.
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"Asking for outside help is not an option".
* Yes it is *

"My dad already refuses it.".
* OK, so? *

Here is my tough love advice:
Ask. Say. Do.

ASK Dad what help he needs.
SAY what his options are. Also say what you are & importantly ARE NOT willing to do.
DO what you said you will.

Eg Dad says there is too much lawn/snow/dog poop.

Ask what he wants to do about lawn/snow/dog poop.
Wants it gone, right?

HOW is HE going to make that happen? Do it himself?
(Leave thinking space)

"Here are some home help service companies you can call Dad. I can help you call".
(Leave thinking space)

He is able to ask you of course... & you are also able to refuse.
"No, I won't be doing that.
I AM NOT YOUR MAID".

If it doesn't get done - it doesn't get done.
Natural consequences happen:
Yard gets full of grass/snow/dog poop..
Until he gives in.

A present Dad may be under the false belief that what he WANTS you must DO. Some retraining is necessary.

It may be too late to train the dog, but you CAN train both Dad & yourself into new ways to think.

Thoughts??

PS Is Dad a grumpy old guy or a grumpy old guy with Dementia? That may change my reply somewhat.
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This is rough, I’m sorry. My basic question would be, why are you taking this on? Many of people would’ve passed on this caregiving by now, why haven’t you? When I was asked that question, from a similar situation, I responded, “it’s what any decent person would do.” I have since learned that isn’t actually true. Lots of people decide they can’t go on with a parent like that, and let the chips fall where they may. In fact, my mom’s doc, who has seen what she’s like for many years, reminded me that I’m not getting younger, and that I would be only human if I got more selfish with these years.

I decided for me personally, I’m probably best off if I continue the care, within reason. A person I trust showed me how it was truly my choice, no one had a gun to my head. And how there are no other choices in my life that I allow to fill me with such anger and contempt. That advice has truly helped me.

I would also suggest you get your caregiving, with money, time, or emotional sacrifice, more in line with what you can live with. This person you care for has already given up on happiness, and you can’t change that. Just do your duty to the best of your reasonable ability, and let the guilt go.

People who never had a toxic parent will not understand this response, but I hope it helps you.
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I am so sorry for you. I can feel your pain. It hurts.

First of all, you must acknowledge that your Dad will not change his behavior toward you, From how you wrote it, it really sounds like you are trying to be a caring, let the past stay in the past, daughter, however, he cannot appreciate or even comprehend all what you are doing for him.

Second, as much as you love your Dad, you need to go to a therapist. You need to be prepared and supported for what will happen and could happen. Your therapist and you can come up with a plan for your withdrawal and help you accept the consequences of your decisions.

Then I would talk to your sister. Invite your brother also. Between all of you come up with a plan that removes you from direct contact with your Dad. Chances are that your Dad will not acknowledge his negative behavior and even if he did, he will give some darn excuse. Either way, you and your siblings, have to stay firm that you will no longer be around to be his punching bag.

I would talk to his doctor and tell the doctor that you can no longer care for your Dad. Tell him why and the entire back story. You can also tell him that it appears that your other siblings cannot accept the responsibility to keeping him in his home. I'm sure your story will not be unique.

Ask his doctor what are the options. I'm assuming you are not POA. Give the doctor the name and phone number of the person who is POA. Ask the doctor what are the steps so you can exit out of his life.

Once I got up the guts and told my Mother that she could take me out of her will, I began to live the life that I could control. Her retaliatory actions no longer stung as I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Whenever she threatened, I reminded her that it was okay to cut me out of the will. Literally, I had freedom.

You have that power too. You have the power to take back your life, but only if you are willing to do what needs to be done, to take back your life. Like everything else, there are consequences, and a therapist can help you prepare for those consequences.

It isn't easy either way. However, a therapist can help you decide what to do and the inevitable consequences.

Best of luck to you. Its hard for you to leave the abuse, however it is also hard for you when the abuse happens. Break the cycle and learn to live a life that doesn't include abusive behavior.
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You "deal" with this by not accepting your father's refusal to hire help as an order for you to fulfill his needs.

"I can't possibly do that" and "I have plans that preclude me from doing what you ask" are two phrases I find useful in dealing with people who make demands upon my time.
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Vagablonde262: Perhaps you should hire caregivers as something must change. Your heath is at risk and you should no longer perform at 98%.
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Vaga, I hear what you are saying. I grew up with a toxic father as well. I am so sorry you are not getting the help you so desperately need right now. You MUST stay strong in yourself. Keep sure of who YOU are. The things in life you've learned apart from your father is what will carry you through the rest of what you must do. It is not easy. This may be the hardest thing any of us will do...but you will always know you did what you could to help make his overall life better. Sounds like you are doing more for him than his own upbringing allowed for. That is HUGE. It is NOT his fault and think that way following back through generations. Sh*t rolls downhill unfortunately. But, if you can be the strongest you have ever been, keep trying to be better, you will help in your part to heal generational trauma. Can you get outside help from state or programs? Respite care so you can breathe a little?
I wish you all the best. You got this!!
-Heather
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Dear caregiver, the best thing you can do is put him into AL,it is amazing how I feel the freedom after being abused for years by my sister.It definitely is a control Issue.
you have to remove yourself and give you space and try to laugh over the redicculas demands they make.Do not feel guilty about doing this, they made their
choice a longtime ago.You have a responsibility to you and your health.You are in
command of you, tough if they don't like it.You come first.Amen
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Join Memory People on Facebook. You'll find many who are in your situation, and gain lots of emotional support. I hope that you find some peace.
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Please seek out the services of a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can help you sever ties with your abuser and get him placed appropriately. Also call Adult Protective Services to place him regardless of his attitude.

Suggest you start looking for a new home far away and take the dog to the SPCA (at a no kill center) or put him/her in training so you can keep him/her.

Please schedule time at a wellness resort, just put this in your search engine, "wellness resorts." If you don't meditate, please seek out a class on Mindfulness Meditation (I learned at a hospital).

Good health starts with mental clarity and self awareness, start your new journey ASAP.
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purplebadger May 2023
Be careful about the dog! Legally, here in Oregon, anyone over 55 can have a dog and I believe that the dog has to be under 20 pounds!
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The good thing about this situation is that you are all grown up now and are able to walk away from a toxic and emotionally abusive setting. Why are you hanging around? Is it because in some part of your brain or heart you are waiting for an apology, a kind word from your dad; that will never happen. You can walk away and after a week or so ask APS to do a well check. They will see what condition your dad is living in and do whatever they need to do to help him. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, love yourself. I am truly sorry that you are going through this and I wish you well.
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Jennycap May 2023
Agree - he would be left to his own demise if that was my father. Why tolerate this? I am sorry to be so harsh, but I am truly confused.
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I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You have the right to feel the way that you do going through this type of emotional abuse. Listening to your experience there are a few things that I notice. I noticed that you have a good heart. Despite the emotional abuse that you are going through, you are doing your best to help your father. I don't know how much this means to people but you should be highly commended for that. By you being there helping your father you are showing a great deal of mercy during your father's illness, even in a toxic relationship. You will be shown mercy, as well one day. So, keep up the good work in helping your father out. But, while helping your father you need to set boundaries. Just because your father is going through illness it shouldn't give him reason to be abusive to you. You mentioned that you have been going through this all of your life with your father. Again, I'm sorry to hear that. But, as an adult you have the power to set boundaries. So, continue to help your father within reason. Reach out to family and friends to help you in the care of your father, and feel good about the good deeds you are doing for your family member despite the sacrifice you have to make. That tells me that you have a wonderful character. Embrace that and feel good about it. Keep up the good work. When you feel overwhelmed, set boundaries and take time for your self. After all, there are so many other beautiful things to enjoy in life. Taking care of your father should not take everything from you that you enjoy. Take the time to enjoy life. I hope the best for you.
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Dear slave,

The only way out OP, is for someone else to be doing what you're doing. In other words, your Dad must be forced to spend money on caregivers (or "friends", people you pretend are your friends, if Dad doesn't like strangers).

"My dad already refuses it."

You refuse his refusal.
Tell your Dad: Ventingisback and you OP refuse his refusal, that's 2 against 1, he loses.
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Beatty May 2023
+ me LOL 🤣
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Please consider seeing a therapist. They can help you with your outlook, emotions, options for you, options for your Dad, etc. They can also refer you to suppirt groups to meet people and make friends in your similar situation so you can support each other. Please make an appointment with your Dad's doctor. S/he can prescribe medications to help calm him, help you defer and difuse his anger, change his moods, etc. I pray for all the best for you.
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On some level are you trying and persisting with him to see if he’ll realize you’re a good person and will start to treat you better? I don’t see that happening unless you lay out an ultimatum and constantly reinforce it. What a job! Only do that if you intend to stay. If not, he deserves no explanation of your walking away. If he treats others with kindness or even if he doesn’t— who cares! Walk away! Run! Take care of you! Let him be someone else’s problem. My dad was the same A-hole. I grew up, walked out of his life, he remarried and 30 yrs later became a better person, even a Sunday School teacher to youngsters who loved him. Well, good for them. Whatever. I don’t care. (I do care that he gained salvation.) I took care of me and I’d suggest you do the same. The outside help isn’t for him. It’s for you. Check out Dr. Henry Cloud and Sherri Campbell, PhD on Facebook. Also, boundaries literature.
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If he refuses outside help then you can introduce the outside help as your friend. Dad this is Joe/Jill he/she is my friend and is great at mowing lawns so we are going to do your lawn today. As your new friend is a constant in dad's home he will come to accept him or her.
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ventingisback May 2023
I think it's a very good strategy, but there is a tricky issue. The money needs to be coming from somewhere. Dad needs to pay the "friend"...I bet OP will have a hard time convincing her Dad to pay. I think he's refusing outside help, because he likes the free, slave labor from OP.
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Why? I never got along with my parents I rarely saw them after it turned 18. They moved into a retirement facility when they got older. I did not even go to their funeral. No one forces you to do anything. You do it because you want to.
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Davenport May 2023
I think Vagablonde makes it clear that they don't want to be doing this. A vast number of us here don't want to be 'doing this'; most people, in fact, wouldn't choose to be 'doing this', yet we do it. That's precisely what being a caregiver is, even if they love their cared-for parent: being between a rock and a hard place; simply walking away isn't a viable or realistic option. We are humans and have emotions. Respectfully,
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So very sorry you are dealing with this, hugs! It is not a journey any of us wanted to take, but we are on this journey nonetheless.

I traveled the same journey for a long while and found working with a talented therapist to be very helpful to unpack it all and to work through (still working through) the pain and emotional rollercoaster of dealing with an aging self-centered, potentially toxic parent high in narcissistic traits and w/dementia. My mom had all of the above along with clinical depression and a host of medical conditions that basically made her bed ridden. I tried for years to do all the care myself in my own home where she lived. I am only child, my dad passed away when I was a kid; no other living family to help other than one uncle but he is elderly too. I was able to get my then 83 YO mother into a great nursing home 2.5 years ago, following a 2-week hospital stay after a bad fall. But she fought it tooth and nail, and I just stood my ground.

Doing this type of 24/7 care solo (refusing any outside help) for years when they are difficult at best or toxic at worst AND when they cannot do much of anything for themselves is NOT sustainable. As you have come to express; it is impacting your health/mental health too. This is NOT weakness, NOT any failure, NOT something to feel guilty about. Expecting One person to do this solo for years is unreasonable. Bless the folks who do this for years and w/grace and NOT loose themselves. I am not one of those people, I reached a limit and things had to change for my health/mental health.

Finding ways to get other help, what ever that may be and what might work. It might work for him and you, it is imperative to make some caregiving changes. None of this is easy, nothing is a perfect solution; so find ways to set boundaries as best you can. If he refuses all options presented (he, his resources should pay, sell the house if necessary); then it is time to make some tough decisions about saying "NO." NO is a complete sentence and needs no explanation. You can say NO to doing everything just yourself. He has choices (get help, sell the house, go into a facility that can help him, etc.) and he NEEDS to make a choice. Let the consequences fall where they fall if he opts to choose YOU still as the ONLY caregiver irrespective of your needs, your health and your mental health. Be prepared to say NO and be prepared to walk away.

It is so sad to be in this situation but you have choices too. You can choose to set limits/boundaries and give him options that give you back your life. Or you can say NO and stop doing it all and walk away.

As others have said, adult children do NOT OWE their parents to do what ever they say OR demand. Being respectful of our parents does NOT mean they own us. Nor does it mean they are our boss or commanding officer. Nor does it mean that they get to guilt trip us into giving up ourselves and our needs just to do their bidding!

You might find some of these videos helpful, but again finding a talented therapist could be of great help.

Dr. Les Carter:
Toxic, Narcissistic Parents: Enough Already
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd6RB61JgVU&t=27s

7 Signs of Narcissists Worsening as the Age
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8K8iyiN-HQ&t=1s

Dr. Ramani

Narcissistic Relationships and Dementia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJMzDBJssGA

Caregiving for a Narcissist
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXCZ63l47zI&t=533s

Narcissistic Fathers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0IubXfbCvY

Best wishes for getting help, setting boundaries and stepping forward towards some new ways of doing things that help you get your life back.
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Davenport May 2023
Excellent response, thank you.

I also was kept afloat emotionally (and even managed to grow) by a wonderful therapist during my caregiving years with my mom.
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