My husband and I have not been on vacation in a very long time. We are leaving tomorrow for five days. Mom is in AL but is bedridden so I worry she won’t have enough interaction with people as the staff is very busy.
My anxiety level is very high. She was a bit anxious I was leaving. I will check in every day but I hate this feeling.
I worry every time I go away that this will be the time my mother becomes terminal yet she is always fine to a degree upon my return. You can call daily. You can ask that she be brought into the common area with other residents if you feel she might like that.
At some point we have to let go at least to a degree. I have spent so much mental energy trying to micro manage my mother's state. At this point she has arrived at a place where alot more cannot be done. I bring her reading material. I clean her nails and sometimes file them if needed. I bring her a favorite drink. Sometimes we make a call to a relative if she so desires. She has a phone but is having more difficulty using it. We talk about family.
I just have finally accepted this is the reality. I have been incredibly emotionally exhausted at times but I tell myself that is a waste of emotions. I am doing all I can and have been for a long time.
Enjoy your vacation. Hopefully you come back rested and refreshed. Then you can start back to visits.
Every year while my mother lived in AL, my husband and I would take a 2 week vacation to Europe or somewhere and remain incommunicado for the duration. We found it necessary to recharge our batteries so we could come home and continue the long journey with her once again. The whole purpose of AL is to keep our folks safe and cared for so we CAN take trips from time to time. If we're going to be anxiety ridden for the duration, that defeats the whole purpose of a vacation....to get R & R!
Go and have fun and relax. Mom will be fine for 5 days!
How about neighbors or friends if your kids can't? Other relatives?
Your anxiety is very high.
I think it's just possible that if you'd been able to conceal your anxiety, your mother wouldn't have been even that little bit anxious! No prizes for guessing where she caught it from :)
1. Look forward to focusing on your husband. He's going to be cruelly disappointed if you don't both enjoy this vacation.
2. That way, you can also look forward to ringing your mother with cheerful and *interesting* daily reports about something different from the daily grind.
Give her credit for wanting you to relax and have a good time. Some anxiety on leaving any important responsibility with caretakers is natural, but this is the art of delegation. Think "Chief Executive" and have a wonderful long weekend.
Start talking.
"This is going to be sooo relaxing."
"I will get to see some beautiful things."
"I can do anything I want".
"So glad that I am going with my husband".
"Going to take it all in and enjoy myself".
"I am free".
"Taking my time".
"Taking my mask with me".
"I am prepared".
"I can people watch at the airport"
"Everyone will be stressed but me".
"I hope there are macadamias on the plane".
[Lie if you have to. Self-talk is a good thing this time].
Sometimes I come back to a question and reread my answers.
Sometimes I cannot believe I said that.
Hugs 🤗
I always paid for an extra floater-aide to spend an hour with my mother around supper time, then call me and report on how she seemed.
It was NEVER necessary for Mom, but meant a lot to me.
we will enjoy our time together. Is it ridiculous I miss my dog as well? 😂
When fear knocks at your (mental or emotional) door, remind yourself that she is being well-cared for by professionals for a short period.
Consider some counseling in future to work on your anxiety levels and on simple practices to form habits that are healthy for you. You need to stay strong to provide support for your Mom. You deserve a life, as this is your one and only go around. Know that you are not alone, and that anxiety is very common for those of any age and at any time in the walk of life.
Best wishes and try to have a great time.
Colleen Pell
When we moved my mother to a very high end life care facility near us, I spent all the time I could taking my Mom shopping, to eat, to the beach etc…. MANY overnights in the hospital on various occasions, all the while thinking she will not be with us much longer & my husband & I are youngish(50’s) & have our whole lives. Flash forward - my husband died of cancer 5 yrs ago & my mother is still here on a continual decline but no signs of leaving this world.
My advice would be to take what time you can with your hubby & your Mom has lived the best part of her life, now it’s time for you .
otherwise you will harbor resentment towards her & although I have made peace with it, it was no fun & made grieving very complicated. God speed & enjoy your vacation - Mom will be fine!
Colleen Pell.
Mom will be fine.
She will be cared for.
I would ask the staff she interacts with daily if they can take a bit more time with her while you are gone.
If you really are concerned you can hire a caregiver to visit with her for a few hours every day or every other day. (ask the staff currently employed if they know of anyone that would want to pick up a couple of hours) Check with the facility some have rules about hired caregivers.
Are they able to use equipment to transfer to a wheelchair? If so they could try to get her to some activities or at least take her for a walk.
I don’t feel guilty as my mother had an amazing life filled with travel and memorable experiences. I want the same for my own family. I work hard and enjoy the opportunity to spend time with my kids seeing new sights, relaxing and growing closer as a family.
my mother is well cared for and although no one visits if I am away, I don’t feel guilt and enjoy every minute of my time away.