Not because she needed him, but because he messed up his life with alcohol and drugs and then never moved out (even when he got a woman pregnant). She and the child she already had all moved in with my mother. He is now 56. He contributed nothing to the household expenses because my mother said child support took a big chunk of his pay. This made no sense because my mother has been on a fixed income for the last 25 years and was always worried about money. My mother recently passed away and I am settling debts. I think since he lived in the house and benefitted he should pay what is due on her utilities for the house and the cottage she owned that he enjoyed every weekend in the summer and invited his friends to. I know he isn't legally responsible and her estate is. He has always been shady. Lied twice about having cancer. Shaved his head so my mother would think he had chemo. When I called him out on it, he said he did it because he couldn't afford a haircut. During her last few months of life I sat with her every day and my brother had cameras all over the house, including places where my mother wouldn't ever be. They were to watch me, not her. I have looked at statements from one of her credit cards and there are regular charges for gas and groceries. Why charge those on a card with 15+ percentage interest rate? It was always maxed out. Am I letting my emotions make me think unreasonably about this? I can't help but think about the fact he took advantage of her financially.
It doesn't matter what you think. Your brother is the person that he is. You don't like him. By the way, neither do I. But that's neither here nor there. If there is a will and you are executor you are beholden to divide the estate, if any, as directed by your mother. If there is no will and no estate, then there is nothing to divide and no one has to be appointed administrator by the courts.
It is done. It is over. He won't be moving in with Mom again unless it's a large size plot.
Let it go. You have two chances at family, the one that is your blood and born in your general vicinity, and the one you MAKE on your own.
We often avoid grief, such as the loss of your Mom, by finding someone to be mad at. It is a waste of energy to blame doctors and sons and second wives and and and and. Get on with both the grieving and the celebrating of a life. Your Mom babied your brother. That is because he was the incompetent and needy child he likely remains today; your were stronger and she felt you didn't need her as much as he did. Was she mistaken to enable him? Sure. But what does that matter now. It is all water under the bridge.
Wish your brother good luck. He likely hasn't saved a penny for his old age, so he will need luck. And get on with your life.
I am sorry for your loss. Don't mess with bro. As Dr. Laura says, when you get down in the mud with the pigs you come out dirty as they are. Just move on and have a good life. My heart goes out to you.
If your brother has not been responsible for all of this time, don't expect him to be responsible now. Immediately, call up the credit card companies and cancel all the cards. They may require a death certificate in order to cancel any accounts if she put the cards partially in your brother's name. However, make it clear that she has passed away.
Many people max out their credit cards and only pay the minimum fee with high interest. You are more financially savvy than that. Please don't pass judgement on people who max out their credit cards and only pay the minimum each month. Sometimes there are circumstances that are beyond our imagination.
Let your brother be himself. Don't judge him. Just get your Mom's estate done and cleared. Regardless of whether it is fair or not, give him whatever he is supposed to have and get to closure. For your sake (and his), put some distance between you and him. Think of it as a divorce. It will be just as gut wrenching and emotional.
We don't generally get to pick our relatives, hence, you should not feel any shame for the type of person he is. Just let him live his life the way he wants to, and you should live your life the way you want to. Make sure his choices do not affect you by getting the estate cleared as fast as you can.
This is a tough time for both you and he. Don't make it any tougher than it already is.
It removes the judgement. It is respectful & accepting too. Brother lives his own way (including his own poor decisions).
It avoids all of the pitfalls, of feeling a victim to Brother's financial exploitation, avoids trying to fix his life for him, avoids blaming him too.
I don't wish to minimise his actions or any hurt he caused in the past. But a split from him may be best for the future.
Your brother made a financial mess of his life and you need to make sure that his financial mess does not spill over into your life and create a problem for you. In order to prevent this from happening to you, as someone on this forum suggested, you need to “divorce” your brother and move on with your life.
Good luck.
She indicated she is paying the expedited from the estate. She may be the head of the trust or executor. You jump to conclusions with your hasty general judgments and accusations against posters. It is not helpful.
Your mom saw you as the independent, responsible and reliable child. She saw your brother as the ‘lost sheep’ and instead of showing him that he should be independent and responsible for his own life, she decided to take on the role of being his ‘savior.’
Of course, it is infuriating to you. I get it! My mother did the very same thing with my oldest brother. Guess what? He never, ever learned to completely stand on his own two feet.
My brother also struggled with addiction problems. He would get clean, then relapse over and over. It was incredibly sad for the rest of our family to witness.
My brother certainly wasn’t stupid. He even owned a successful business at one time in his life but he took advantage of his partner just like he did my mother. He ended up losing his partner in life and his business.
I figured out that my mother’s relationship with my brother was their business and I let it go. I couldn’t control their behavior.
I forgave each of them in order to find peace for myself.
Throughout her years my mom doled out tons of money to my brother. This was money that my father worked hard to have for her. What could I do about it? Nothing! Whenever I said to her that she needed that money, she would respond with, “He needs it more.”
My brother is deceased now because his lifestyle caught up to him. He died in a hospice facility in his late 60’s.
I am sorry this has happened and that you are dealing with this mess. It’s heartbreaking but it’s a done deal.
You couldn’t change things before and you can’t change things now. Do the best that you can to sort out the financial situation and then move on with your own life.
I seriously doubt that your brother will ever say that he is going to pay for anything. He isn’t a giver. He is a taker. You know this by his actions.
Some people go bankrupt because of hardships. Other people will go bankrupt just to dodge payments. If you push him, he will push back. Don’t expect him to surrender.
The fact is that your mom has gifted him with what she wanted him to have. Is it fair to you? No it isn’t fair, but you know as well as I do that life isn’t always fair.
If you are the one who is settling her affairs now that she's passed, make sure all the utility bills, newspapers, wifi, cable, etc., are out of her name. Let him take over all the bills in his name only. Try to keep your Mom's money with her estate. Since the estate hasn't closed yet, talk to the utility companies to see what they suggest.
I would also hire an estate attorney to close the estate as fast as you can. As long as your brother is within reach of Mom's finances, he is savvy enough to figure out how to siphon bits and pieces. The sooner you end the nightmare the better for you and the sooner you can get on with your life.
If you are not the POA or you are not in charge of settling the estate, then leave. If there was anything for you, either get a lawyer now or if the lawyer is too expensive, just let your brother have it all, get a lawyer and tell him that your brother gets it all.
As for you, I hope you were not hoping to get something from your Mom when she died other than memories. It isn't fair that your Mom didn't treat all of the children fairly. However, that is how some people are.
You ask whether you are letting your "emotions make me think unreasonably about this". yes....because what has been happening and what is now happening is not fair and equitable. Warning: it may never become fair and equitable in your lifetime.
If you want to go to court, you can find out when your Mom changed her trust to include your brother on it. If she was not in sound mind and body at the time the trust was changed, you would have a basis to go to court. However, that will cost you time and money and keeps the negative emotions alive and fresh. Do you really want to do that to yourself?
Just get an attorney, divide and close the estate. At that point, then you can just get on with your life and let your brother do whatever he wants to and have no further contact with him.
It will be tough....but just let go.
1. Send him notice you are paying for his utilities out of her estate this one time. Tell him This amount may be taken out of his potion of what he is willed.
2. Send notify that he also owes for 1/2 of groceries in last bill. Saw again it will be paid out of estate but he may owe difference out of what he is willed. Be professionally, non-emotional.
3. Give him eviction notice if still there but only after you get her assets out so he doesn’t lock you out. Keep it all nice and professional as possible.
4 any damage to home in his room is 100% his financial responsibility. Write espatete letting saying cost from an estimate by a contractor to re do his room. Only after you get him out. Take photos now and after he moves out.
5. If his stuff is in othet rooms then give him 10 day notice to remove it our it will be seen as your mothers things and up for sale by the estate.
6. If home will be sold, take refrigerator out so he cannot use it. Sell it and out money in estste. Any damage in home needs to be photographed. If you believe he did it, get estimate for repair for his damage in community areas. Charge off his portion for repairs or devalued home.
7. If he remains, put utilities in his name. tel him in writing you will do so if he remains in home.
8. Speak only in documents, Demand Letters” “Cease & Desist” letters and send all first class mail with registered mail or return receipt. Keep copies of all.
9. get quote for dumpsters from local trash company for a month and quote for move out boxes and more. All these are paid or charged to estate. His property is also charged to estate dei sterà if he leaves his things.
10. Take TV, cable equipment and return to cable company immediately. Thst will help move him out. It’s not his. It’s the estates.
11. Take photos of your mothers room. It pay be nice and clean compared to the home.
Do all these things in one day before he is aware of your plans. Hire local labor to go in attic or do heavy things.
Send him notice not to take anything as it belongs to estste and that he may be under investigation for Criminal and Civil Elder Abuse.
Crimina elder abuse case with local police. Provide photos, bulls, evidence of groceries being charged, and his other expensive she was not legally permitted to make in her credit cards. It is theft or theft by false pretense for the cost of groceries, electricity and more his share (bc he will say his mother gave him the card or authority).
Also file Elder Abuse case with county Aging Agency w evidence. Tell him in a non-emotional manner these are I. Violation of se ion —- of your States Elder Abuse or Crimjbal Code. (Look up code online.).
tresy him like the suspect he is. Avoid all causual communication. Tel him to put his views in writing h givrn his history of elder abuse. He needs to know you are unemotionally serious about defending your mothers estate and recouping his costs and expensive by giving him less feom estste for those expensive.
get Blink cameras you control from phone and place facing the home to monitor safety of estates home. They operate from wireless cable in house.