Follow
Share

My Dad (81) is physically very healthy, but has struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. His medication has helped immensely.


My mom (83) has had a huge number of serious health issues, starting with a near fatal collapse on a cruise ship in 2012. Nothing was determined 100% - maybe an infection in her brain, maybe not... anyway, she has some permanent brain damage, along with loss of smell and taste, some vision loss, severe hearing loss, and some trouble controlling the left side of her body. Her courage and determination are AMAZING. She is the strongest person that I know. She fell in March and broke her hip. She's already progressed to walking with a cane.


However, as she was recovering in a nursing home, she and my dad decided that they were ready for assisted living.


I'm still working on getting rid of their stuff - I have 3 storage units, a garage, and a basement full of their belongings, and the belongings of my aunt who passed away in January. Yikes.


So, anyway, they've made this move to help me, and it has.


The one struggle that seems to be worse than ever is that they fight, and fight, and fight. They are both used to being very independent people (they married at 36 and 38). My dad still walks up to 5 miles a day, so that gets him out of the house. But, when they're together, they bicker about EVERYTHING: bills, laundry (they don't even have to DO it anymore), the newspaper, the television (volume), what time to go downstairs for dinner, what time to go to bed, where did an item get moved, etc. etc.


I get that all of this is perfectly normal. What's not normal is that we've all become such an enmeshed little "team" that they each tattle to me about the other. I have had problems with anxiety since I was a teen, and it's pretty regulated by medication. I do call my parents 4 times a day, at set times. This is my choice - it calms my anxiety to know that they're ok. BUT, when I call and they're fighting, my anxiety skyrockets. The easy answer would probably be to wean away from calling so often. They're being taken care of. Someone from the facility will call if anything happens. But, I have trouble letting go. That's co-dependency in a nutshell, isn't it? Thoughts?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Years ago, we lived next door to a couple who screamed at each other, swore and fought (sometimes physically) all night into the morning hours. No one was more surprised than we were when the wife wound up pregnant. My dad laughed and commented that their constant fighting was probably their version of foreplay. Some couples just aren’t happy unless they’re embroiled in disagreements.

You are living a totally “what if” life. Are you fearful that if something does happen, you will be blamed because you didn’t call them constantly that day? Or that you will blame yourself? When you call and they’re fighting tell them you’re sorry you called at a “bad time” and they should call back when it’s a better time. Must you listen (and most likely put in your two cents) when they ask you to referee their fights?

If you have no hobbies or outside interests, it’s time to find some; photography, blogging, volunteering, etc. A few sessions with a therapist would be a good idea as well. Find your own place in this life and expand on it. Your parents will be fine. They’ve made it this far!
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

My husband and I banter. Let them go and just walk away. I really don't think its good to call them as often as you do. If u don't visit then call after dinner before the settle down for the night. Just asking how their day went. Don't let them become dependent on you. They have to adjust and find their way. You need to learn to relax. At this point you are not going to change them. Concentrate on getting rid of their and Aunts stuff.

Good Luck.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

Calling four times a day?! Yes, if anything happens, someone from the facility will call you.

Do they have a newer mobile phone by chance? What about having them wear a Fitbit or similar health tracker? Then you can log in and check the website and see their heartbeat and number of steps to know they're alive. :)
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
MaryKathleen Jun 2019
Oh God, I love it, make sure they are alive. My mother in her 90's moved so little that she couldn't keep the watch she wore running. It was one that wound when you moved your arm. She did walk though and I think it is a hilariously wonderful idea.
(1)
Report
My parents were both strong willed and determined personalities who argued often. I remember being 12 and enduring a day of car travel where my parents argued and picked at each other all day long while I was trapped in the back seat. This continued through dinner and after we checked into a two double bed hotel room and watched some TV while taking turns in the bath. I was shocked when my father walked out of the bath in his pajamas, turns off the lights, pulled back the covers and gets into the bed, turns on his side and stretches his arm out toward my mother while she immediately rolls into his embrace as they kiss and tell each other good night. Where did that bitterly arguing couple from 20 minutes before go?

Just because they are arguing fiercely doesn't mean they are not devoted to each other. Try to avoid being in the middle as a referee. They may be sharing/venting to you because they have don't any other close friends left; a situation that may change now that they are in AL.

You need to walk away a bit and leave your folks to settle into their new community. Break up the "team" a little for both your sakes. Take small steps, like only calling Mom and Dad twice a day, then once a day, maybe even every other day.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

When my girls were young they would call me at work and be fighting and one was on one phone and the other on another one. I told them that any time they called me fighting I was hanging up and I did. It took care of the problem.
Might not work for parents though.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Tell your parents:, "I won't solve your problems or listen to the two you argue" when I call if you are bickering with each other I will not listen and I will hangup."

When you call and they are bickering say:
"Just checking in to see if you okay. I can tell by your bickering with each other, that you are. I'll talk with you later. Bye!

Hangup immediately.

Don't threaten. Just do,
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Part of anxiety is feeling loss of control. So yes it does sound like you are co dependent and want some control as it makes you feel better. Are you working with a therapist on this?
Remember the serenity prayer? Lots of truth in that. I have become much wiser and dare I say hardened since I've been on this 6 year journey with my dad. YES they will call you if something happens to them there. That's the whole point of living in a place like that. Calling 4 times a day is a lot. I hope you can wean yourself off that as it's not serving you. But one thing I also see is a lack of boundaries on their part by tattling to you and on your part by not telling them it's not ok. That is where a therapist can help you if you can't figure out how to get the backbone to tell them. There are good books on setting boundaries which also help you feel like you have some control over what happens in your life. Henry Townsend is one author I can think of. SO don't let them gossip to you and try using you to pit one against the other...it's not healthy. You can't control whether they bicker...these are patterns they've adapted. Is it healthy? No, but you can't change it only they can. And I doubt that they will.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

The bickering is just a way of life for them. It's what they do. Try to find some words of reply to make light of it and let go. Or just change the conversation. You started the 4x a day phone calls, so don't change it. Just steer the conversation to something else or say 'I only had a minute to talk - call you later'.

You called just to check on them and if the usual bickering routine is going on, they are ok. Hang up and smile...they're ok.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

it took me about 4 years of therapy to learn to say "I don't want to hear it, if you have a problem with XXX go to them".

After my father died, my mother didn't have a good word to say about him. Finally, and after therapy, I just told her that she picked him to be my father, I had nothing to do with it, and she stayed with him. He left her a decent retirement and I didn't want to hear any more bad things about him. He was my Daddy, that she picked for me, and I loved him. After that if she forgot herself and started talking smack about him, she would look at me and say in a nasty voice, "Oh, That Is Right!! you don't want to hear anything bad about him". I would calmly say, "That is correct."

Don't call so often, call once in the morning to make sure they made it through the night, and once in the evening to be sure they made it through the day. And, try not to take 4 years like it did me to get some backbone.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I am in the same boat. Only child, parents 87 and 88, nothing is right Mom has 3 houses and a semi trailer full. Dad has three houses and can not live in any of them like they should! They want me to take sides and I will not! The both of them are wrong the way they live, but they have not listen to me to try to fix the mess they are in. I have lost a lot of sleep listening to them both, but nothing help. I have learned just to listen and not give any feed back since they do what they want and they told me I am the child (68) and they are the parents. Just love them and enjoy them while you can. I call them each day 3-5 times and it is always the same, so just listen as you are there sounding board! Good luck
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Do not engage. Do not engage in arguments. Do not engage in any conversation that is so ridiculous that it elevates your blood pressure. So - Be like an auto that will NOT start. It does NOT serve the wellbeing of your health!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Their marriage is their private relationship. You are not a part of it. My parents bickered all day every day, but they were devoted to each other. They ADORED each other, and we kids came a very close second, and that was the way it should be. I assume your parents loved each other enough to go into assisted living together.

You probably don’t need to call them as often as you do, especially since it clearly stresses you out. When one starts talking to you about the other, you can gently refuse to engage or change the subject. If you don’t, it’s not going to stop, and you have already heard your share of complaints.

Good luck. It doesn’t make you a bad person to set boundaries with your parents for the sake of your own mental/emotional well-being. Don’t walk into that trap. We all need to set limits on what we can and can’t realistically deal with.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Get some kind of wearable alert system that monitors your mother and/or father's movements. There are quite a few out there that provide instant response time and you can monitor from an app on your phone. Which is the best use of your phone.

Set boundaries, first for yourself and stick to them. Your parents are adults and truly appreciate being treated as such. Cut the calling down to once or twice a day. If they need you they will call.

Now, get your parents away from each other for extended periods during the day everyday of the week. If you live where there is a day social program get your mom involved in that. It's an environment that is safe and she can interact with other people besides your father and you. Get your father connected to other people...men...in some type of social group so he too is not functioning in a solitary way. Get him to go to the barbershop and sit and shoot the breeze.

Keep in mind, for the better part of their relationship they were not with each other 24/7. Trying to do so now with the added pressure of health issues only makes things more stressful. They have nothing better to do than to argue because they don't have other things to talk about if they're not getting away from each other and interacting with other people.

I know because my parents sound very much like yours...this is what has worked for me.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
lealonnie1 Jun 2019
Her parents live in Assisted Living. Surely you are not suggesting she wire them up with alert systems set to her phone???? Talk about revving up her anxiety! Perhaps you missed that.....
(1)
Report
You already know the answer. Wean yourself off of the calls. Go from 4 to 3 then 2 and ultimately 1 call per day which is plenty. Allow the AL to do what they're paid to do, which is care for your folks. It's not YOUR job to be the caregiver OR the marriage counselor. I know from where I speak because it took my daughter telling me to STOP calling my mother twice a day at the AL where she was living. The calls were amping up my anxiety something fierce because there is ALWAYS something or someone to complain and gripe about in my mother's world. When dad was alive and they first moved into the tight quarters of AL, they too fought like dogs. They'd sometimes call my husband and I over there to settle a dispute! We'd go, because dad was a gentle soul and mom is a tyrant, so went for his sake. After he died, she told me she was glad....that she never loved him. All things we "children" have NO BUSINESS knowing. Ignorance is bliss in certain situations.
Now, mother is in memory care and I keep the calls and the visits brief. There is truly no need to worry about people who are well cared for without our constant interference.
Best of luck
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sounds like you and your parents can use the help of a Geriatric Care Management Company. They may be having adjustment issues to their new life, Geriatric Care Managers can help with adjustment issues/problems. Additionally, they can identify the root issues and problems in the detailed assessment then recommend solutions. Having a GCM to help you manage your parents care and to check in on them in person then disseminate that information to you could help with your anxiety. The GCM can also help you all with healthy relationships. GCM's are professional and experts in these type of issues/problems. You can do a search for your area on the great WWW to look for a professional geriatric care manager company in your area.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mom for a long time would try to set my brother and me against each other. If she was mad at me she called my brother and complained, then when mad at him she would call me. My brother and I had fun telling what was said about the other because it was all either completely not true or really trivial. She's now forgotten who my brother is and the fun is gone. I actually try to start it up again sometimes because she and my brother just love to fight with someone, anyone. I'm the peaceful sort, but I want her to enjoy herself. She can no longer play the game and it's sad. Some people just like the sort of interaction your parents display. And, like you, I visit too often because I can't stop wondering how she is now in assisted living. I know she enjoys my visits, but they are really not necessary. Co-dependent? So what? What is worrisome is your anxiety. You must separate yourself from the emotions going on between them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

WOW! You ARE dealing with a lot.
I AM one of the Parents, My Husband of 54 Years, being 75, to My 71.
I see Our 49 Year Old Daughter, in You. She does have a Brother Who, for the most part, throws money at Us and let's Her do just about everything else.
She runs a Rescue Ranch, for Horses and Dogs..ALONE!
What's worse, however, is that She's had a polyp on 1 lung, for Years, that remained 4cm, and now has jumped to 9.
She's told Her DR 'not now', for Surgery.
Like You, We are Out Own, tight little Group, Dependent on each Other..to a point.
'I'm am My Husband's Sole Caregiver, when She isn't here, for End-Stage Heart Failure, and was put under HOSPICE CARE AT HOME 3 YEARS AGO! He also has Dementia, and pulls every stunt imaginable, which has cost Us Thousands, in what has become originally, but eventually unnecessary Home repairs.
WE, too, 'kibitz', a lot, and like You it makes Her nervous, but to Us it's normal, and part of the ebb & flow, of 54 Years of living Together.
My DR says I should also be on HOSPICE, which isn't going to happen, as long as I have any say so.
YOu will find that 1 Parent is stronger than the Other, OR They may 'take turns', on different Days, depending on WHO needs the Other, at the moment.
Believe Me, THEY have Their OWN SYSTEM, though You may not be aware of it. They also, are 'giving You the business ', to a point.
If they are mobile, have '
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter