I am of the opinion that both of my parents are approaching not being able to care for themselves. My mother is in rehab and is not walking. She is getting belligerent because she wants to come home and thinks she is walking. My father is barely able to walk around the house. I could go on but the bottom line is they are declining, refuse to recognize it and are just talking about getting her home. They are not compliant with me, only want my assistance. I know I am going to be asked to do things that are unsafe for them, and I won't. So, I am curious if anyone has any suggestions to prepare for this. I do not have power of attorney (narcissistic father) and don't want it. I just want to be there for them but let them do their thing. They will not let anyone in the house, will not go to assisted living, have to be forced to call 911 and I doubt will get any modifications to the home. I try to drop hints by talking about what I am going to do but I don't hold out hope. It will get ugly, that is their track record.
When things are done verbally, or even in emails, it’s too easy for the comments to ‘get lost’ from the facility file. Hearing one thing from you, lies from them, listening to them is more like what the facility staff want to hear and is what gets onto the file. Paper letters don’t normally get lost.
Don't take mom home - if Dad can't walk and mom can't walk who will be taking care of them? If they can't take care of themselves - if Dad can't take of mom - then mom is an unsafe discharge. And that's what you tell the rehab. If dad wants to take her home- he can get an Uber and take her home himself. (sarcasm and my point - we know he can't do it) The more you step in and make things work for them - the harder they will fight you on doing what needs to be done because they don't believe they need it.
They will not let anyone in the house, will not go to assisted living (frankly it sounds like they are both beyond ALF at this point) have to be forced to call 911 and don't want to modify the home.
Do you know what I read there. They don't want to help themselves. Sometimes we get in our own way by trying to do what we think is the "right" thing - when its really what society tells us is right and not necessarily what is right for our family member or for us.
When we come to this fork in the road - a lot of emphasis is put on our loved one's wants. They don't WANT to go to a SNF. They don't WANT to leave their home. They don't want to let anyone in, they don't want to call 911. While it would be great if people got some of the things they wanted, priority has to be given to their needs - and top priority - at least one of them - is safety.
Yes, while they are competent they are allowed to make any stupid decision they want. No matter what we think. But that doesn't mean we have to like it. And it CERTAINLY doesn't mean we have to help them do it. If they are not compliant with you and only want your help - don't help.
They believe they can do things on their own because you are the solution. I don't mean to be cruel. We want to help, society teaches us we should help. But the only way we can help sometimes is by not helping. It is when we step back that they have to find another solution.
That word “ WANT”. The root of the problem .
* Know your limits.
* (Continue to) set your boundaries of what you will and won't do.
* Realize that they are in control of how they proceed 'even' though they do not have the mental / psychological clarity to actually be in control to do what is in their best interests.
* What likely will happen is that they / individually will end up w a physical injury and be UNABLE to return home. They will be forced to move into a care facility that offers what they need / cannot get at home.
Of course, they will go 'kicking and screaming.' That you know this already will help you prepare mentally (as it seems you are already doing).
There is NO HINTING. They will not listen to you now or later on.
You need to resolve yourself to 'what is to be will be,' knowing that you have done the absolute best you can / could.
At times, a third party can 'get through,' talk to a person that you are close to... they will hear / listen in a new way. The family / familiar history or baggage isn't there and often others respect the professional of a stranger, i.e., a psychotherapist for instance. While this may not be the situation here, enlist your 'helpers' as you can - and for YOU.
You need to keep yourself together.
You deserve to have a full life and not drained due to their resistance.
Bottom line: If they are not compliant (as you say), then they DO NOT get your support / assistance. They will not be happy campers. This is the reality of the situation and isn't that unusual although painfully sad and unfortunate.
Do some thing(s) nice for yourself. This may feel very much like a mixed bag of history, attachment / detachment. Let us know how things move along.
Gena / Touch Matters
If your parents fall and there is a fire, they will not be able to escape in time. Remember that. Your goal is to keep them safe.
Transported to ER only when head strike reported or other injury evident - otherwise lifting device used, placed in chair, obs taken & back to 'business as usual".
I wonder if you have any update for us on your problem here.
Live with no regrets is the rule of the day. Don’t be left thinking “why didn’t I say something?”
"I don't agree"
"As I don't agree, I won't help with that"
In short:
Offer them choices
Let them decide
The Consequences are theirs
If this means 'failing' at home, this is how they will learn. Then you may have an opening for them to consider change. Maybe.
Alternatively, if they still refuse, let real world consequences force them to change. Medicos* make the call on home vs ?? (*Rehab or Hospital discharge planner, Social Worker etc) while you stay neutral.
Contact an eldercare lawyer to recommend how to get her on Medicaid.
I guess you will need to wait until your father falls or needs medical attention that will put him in the hospital. Then you do the same thing for him. Hopefully you won't have long to wait for that to happen.
It does get ugly because they were in denial as to how bad their situation is. Mine are 95 and I finally got them both into a nursing home after years of watching this train wreck.
To be honest there is nothing you can do with uncooperative parents who are not in dementia enough to the level of being unsafe in their own care.
And you aren't POA, and I AGREE WITH YOU COMPLETELY that you never SHOULD BE. As someone who was Trustee and POA for a lovely, organized, quite with it and cooperative brother, it is hard enough to do in the best of circumstances, and in your current circumstances it is impossible.
I would not intervene. I would call APS when you decide that is needed and they should be put into the care of the state. Tell APS you cannot intervene. Meanwhile attempt to see they have food to eat, and if they will allow it, some household assist to do straightening and cleaning for them.
I am so sorry. This falls under there is not always a "fix" and not always an "answer".
Your father has serious mobility issues too. So really at this point it's not about what they will "allow". It's going to be about what is safe and what isn't.
You say they only want your assistance but refuse to be compliant with you. Well, too bad because there is no one without the other.
Ask to speak to a social worker at the rehab your mother is in. Tell them the truth about their unsafe situation at home. Then let APS take it from there.
Do not help your mother get out of rehab. Don't even go and pick her up.
If they want to ‘go home’ they do all the organisation of it themselves. To get M home, for both to live there, and to cope with any paperwork and medical arrangements that need to be made. The lot!
If not, they'll release mom and you'll have to wait for a crisis to happen to one or both of them which will force placement against their wishes. That's how it works for stubborn elders who refuse everything and everybody's help. The upside is they get to live and die on THEIR terms, which is nice.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
This statement contradicts itself. Which is it? You want to help when they ask (but only if they ask you the "right" things) or are you willing to step back and let the chips fall where they will?
You can't have it both ways. You will be ricocheting between those 2 things and burn to a crisp in a brief time.
You cannot force an adult to do something against their will very easily -- even whe you *do* have legal authority. Please don't help your Mom get home. Don't cook or shop or clean for your Dad. Don't prolong the delusion that they are "independent" in their home. They're not. Stop being willing to be their solution.
Instead, tell rehab your Mom is an unsafe discharge. Ask to speak to a social worker. It may be an opportunity to transition her directly into LTC. Whoever goes to bring her home gets to be suckered into the black hole of their needs. Then you can report your Dad to APS to get him on their radar. Everyone needs a legal representative to manage their medical and legal affairs. The county can acquire guardianship for both of them and will deal with them. This is the care your parents planned for, so let them live out their plan 100%.
No one can be assumed into caregiving. The caregiving arrangement needs to work for the caregiver, or it doesn't work at all. Please read other posts on this forum on adult children who are struggling to get out from under the burden and guilt of demanding and uncooperative (and unsympathetic) parents.
Call the local County Area of Aging for a needs assessment. Tell them your concerns . They will send a social worker to your Dad’s house . If that doesn’t work call APS . And you stop helping them , propping them up delays placement . A wise social worker told me “ Let them fail , so they realize they need help .”
Unfortunately it may take until your Dad ends up in the ER to get him placed.
I don’t blame you for not wanting POA .
We are in a similar situation , no POA and waiting for mother in law to land in the ER , for eventual placement . It can take more than one try . Sometimes they ride the ER, rehab carousel a couple times before permanent placement. Step back and let the chips fall . That’s all you can do with stubborn people . Let the state/ county take over and place your parents .
Beware that your parents may lie and say you take care of them and live with them in order to get discharged home . My parents did that. Make sure everyone knows they live alone and refuse hired help and that you can’t help them because they are non compliant and unsafe .