My 54-year old sister has had substance abuse problems and I believe she has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. She visited our 85-year old mother tonight. Mom has become more confused and forgetful so a few months ago we moved her from IL to AL. Anyway sis brought our mother a recording of songs sis had made to play. At our mother’s funeral. I don’t think I have ever been so angry. Our mother is, yes, aging rapidly but my siblings and our mother have not yet discussed funeral arrangements. My sister TOLD our mother about the songs she wants to play on her guitar at the memorial service. Am I wrong to be furious with my sister? My mother thought this treatment was rather harsh but in my opinion it was beyond harsh and just cruel.
I called our local funeral establishment myself when my LO had an early COVID infection, because I was in lockdown and needed to know how to proceed if she passed, but I never chose to discuss my findings with LO.
Has your mother designated a POA?
People should be involved in the planning of their funeral.
If this upset mom she could have asked sister to stop.
But now that the "Pandora's box" has been opened maybe it is time to plan and begin prepaying for the funeral. (I did this just this year, making payments, but discussing it at my daughter's house my granddaughter just looked at me and told me I was not allowed to die...I just chuckled and said there was not much I could do about that!)
I think preplanning takes a LOT of stress out of the situation and you are not pressured to make choices you would not normally make. And you can shop around for best prices. Funeral homes, at least in my area are very willing to give you a price list as to what is included in various "packages"
You say your mom is 85 years old and has memory issues(more than likely some dementia)and yet no one has discussed any funeral arrangements. What are you waiting for? Wouldn't you rather make these plans now before her dementia gets worse?
Perhaps your reaction to your sisters sharing the music she wants to play at moms funeral stems more from the fact that you're just not ready to lose your mom yet, even though you know that time will be here before you know it.
Death is part of life and plans should be discussed with the family before it's too late.
So now that the door has been opened about moms funeral, it might be time to find out exactly what she would like when her time comes, so that you're honoring her wishes and no one else's.
My own funeral preferences are documented along with my Last Will and my Executor will carry them out the best they can when the time comes. Maybe someone needs to help her document things now so that her funeral doesn't become a poop show. And if your sister doesn't like it, then she can hear it directly from your Mom's mouth so that she can't dispute it.
I will tell you first of all that I am an old (81) retired RN, so as you can imagine, DEATH has always been a subject in my family's life. And one we sometimes laugh about. I am uncertain what else is to be done about that darned Grim Reaper stalking us all.
Then I'll plead my case by letting you know I have someone in my family with a personality disorder. And I can actually just SEEEEEE this. Or hear it which is more the case.
I want to find one-liners for response such as "Don't give up your day job" after the first tune is played.
It sounds a bit to me as though, of everyone involved here. your mom may have taken this better than anyone, as you describe her as finding this only a bit "harsh". I guess I would say "Well, THAT'S a surprise, my own private dirge written especially for my own funeral as a Christmas Present while I'm still alive and kicking!"
People write us on AC all the time about things that the demented say and do. And we always respond that "you are arguing with a disease" or "It's the disorder you are speaking with" and so on. And in this case, that is also true. Sister just is living in her her little world. For most with mental disorders it is just "me, me, me and me" all the time. Not "you are old and dying" but "Look! I just wrote a song". Not much to be done about that.
I am not certain what the proper response might have been, because clearly Sis likely meant well. But wow! Just wow.
You must forgive me, because death is such a commonplace for discussion that this year when I watched The Bishop's Wife yet again I said happily remarked to my daughter "Well, I am changing my epitaph from whatever I last chose to "Does This Mean I Can't Watch The Bishop's Wife Next Christmas"?
She, or someone else, replied "That's too long for a tombstone anyway".
I do honestly hope that this wasn't too distressing. It had to be awkward in a family that doens't discuss the subject much. I do think you all recognize how it came about and why, and all will get over it. I don't think, for CERTAIN, that it should be brought up with sister. The Holidays are always full of it, aren't they.
I wish you the best. Cruelty wasn't the goal here. So often it isn't. My best out to you. I hope no one choked on his or her egg nog, and that a good holidays (for the most part) was had by all.
You seem uptight. Maybe you and other 'siblings' need to go out and have a beer or something and chill out.
Because of Medicaid, I took a small insurance policy Mom had to cash in and prepaid her funeral. Since we used the same Funeral Home she used for Dad, I went to them. I purchased the same coffin she got for Dad. Flowers we left for later as was the service and luncheon. It was so nice, not having to deal with it.
I am sorry that your sister has struggled with mental health and a substance abuse problem.
I wouldn’t stop her from visiting with your mother, unless her issues become a serious concern for you. Discussing songs isn’t a major issue.
It sure is complicated, dealing with our loved one.
As an 81 year old, tho, I can guarantee you we are sometimes not so fragile as we seem. I hope you can eventually kind of get a laugh out of this. Family memory album!
In all honesty, it helped us a ton when she died and it was a one time trip to the funeral home, setting up the last bits of what she'd pre-ordered and paid for.
She had asked certain people to do certain things and we all knew waaaay beforehand what she wanted.
The whole funeral took less than 45 minutes.
Mom chose her music, her speakers. her pallbearers.
We were all very grateful she did this in advance. Some people WANT to have that control after death. Some people won't even discuss a single issue. That's their right--but mom felt strongly that her funeral be short, sweet and what she wanted.
I'm sorry your mom was offended by Ys's recording the music--but look at it like this: maybe she was a tad thoughtless, but she was giving mom a 'gift'. I'm sure in your sister's mind, this was helpful.
MY funeral is planned. Best gift I can give my kiddoes-make it easy for them to deal with the after-death stuff. If it's all pre planned and pre-paid, things go so smoothly. There's enough emotion at a funeral without adding in family drama.
I'd put this under the column of 'stuff we're not going to stress over'. Put the recording somewhere safe--and maybe actually talk to mom when you feel you can, about her wishes for the funeral.
Everybody dies. It either becomes a hot mess or a calm and beautiful time--a lot depends on the family dynamic. And knowing what mom or dad WANTED is so comforting.