I call my mom who lives in an AL Facility every day. How do I deal with her negativity? She complains nonstop!

Ugh! Negativity! I wonder if she even realizes how she sounds. With all that negativity, who would want her as a friend other than a person who is more negative than she? Ugh.

My Mom is very negative, however, really negative to her immediate family and kids. To everyone else, they think she is Ms "Optimism" and envied us as a family. Little did they know. I've often wondered if a complaint was the only way she could start a conversation as there are many people her age that do that. Yes, my Mom is a perfectionist.

So how did I get it to a tolerable level? I finally got up the guts and reinforced my boundaries. I no longer tolerate her endless tirade about the mistreatment that her Dad gave to his kids (he died over 20 years ago). I give her a 2 minute warning to have her wrap up her ideas and tell her that I'm going to leave if she continues after that. If it goes beyond 2 minutes, I leave. I no longer tolerate endless negative comments against my sister, her friends, my sister-in-law, her family and her friends. She only gets 2 sentences before I cut her off with a 2 sentence warning...and then I leave. Regarding the nurses and the food, I ask her for specifics and when she doesn't have any, keep on asking for specifics. If she has specifics, I follow up on them and get them addressed. If no specifics, I remind her that I need specifics and I don't want to discuss it until I have specifics. At first, I just left after giving her the warning. Then on specific items, I would counter the argument like "he's dead, I don't want to hear any more"...then I left. At first, because I was "living" in the same house as she, she would search me out (or call for me endlessly) and continue the tirade. I would just move to a different area of the house or put on headphones (something visual) and look at her with a blank stare. Now that she is in a facility, I just let someone know that I'm leaving, or wheel her away to the activities area while she is going on-and-on then turn to her and wave goodbye as she is complaining. (yes, it is possible to teach memory impaired people new tricks...)

As time went on, she does this much, much less. However, I find she has less to talk or complain about.

This may seem mean and cruel. On the other hand, for me, it was survival. She and I both learned. I should have done this earlier in my life. I still visit her nearly every day because I choose to.

you can either hold the phone away from your ear or put ear plugs in - i'm not trying to be funny but it can wear on you. every so often just say, Yes mom, I know mom. she needs your love and attention so saying something negative all the time she thinks she's getting it. when she passes believe me, you will miss her..

Speak to your mother plainly. Tell her that you do not call her every day to listen to her complain about everything and everyone. Also, that you are not interested in her negativity. If she is unable to have a normal conversation with you when you call, you will stop calling.
Then she can decide whether she wants to be lonely and get no phone calls or visits from you because of her miserable behavior and complaining, or she cuts the crap because wants to hear from you her child, and also see you for visits.
My mother pulls this crap many times a day every day. We live together. When she starts with the complaining and negativity I walk away and she gets totally ignored. When the working herself up into hysterics and semantics, I walk away. Although I will tell her to save it for the stage or someone who cares. She has improved her snide negativity somewhat because she knows that I will be leaving her after the new year. I've explained to her that I would bring in homecare help (that I know personally and vouche for), but if she is unable to function on any level and has decided to be a helpless invalid then I will put her into a managed care facility.
Many elderly people complain for entertainment and sport. In an AL, they can find a complain group of like minded seniors who hate the whole world and can find no good in it.
You are not a member of that group and neither am I.
When you call your mother and she starts up tell her 'bye' and hang up. Then don't call her the next day or the day after.

Stop calling, tell her why. Unless she is willing to engage in normal talk then stop this enabling behaviour.
My husband sometimes (not often) starts complaining, I understand his frustration, but, I cannot tolerate that.
Sometimes I allow one complain and say stop or enough or I leave the room. I feel it is unfair to me, I did not create, contribute to his disease, We care and give, receiving and dealing with constant complains should not be part of it.

My mom lives with me and is the same way. We can be talking about anything and out of the blue she will start in with negative comments about politics/religion. When she does this I say only once, " If you cannot say anything nice, please do not say anything at all." If she keeps it up I get up and walk away or if on the phone, I just say "I gotta go. Have a good day/night",
There isn't much you can do, unfortunately.

Yes, your mother has a point since it costs so much money for care. However, next time she complains, tell her, "Perhaps this is not a good time to talk. I will talk another time when you feel better." Then call to talk with the management.

Think about this ....you have trouble just listening to the negativity. How would you feel if you were the one trapped in there living it?

Your mother is reaching out to you for help or at least someone who will show they actually care about her.

It is clear she hates where she is and is extremely unhappy. It is too bad she was moved to a facility. If you could have found in-home care for her, she would have been happier.

But, I recommend you put yourself in her place and try to think of things to improve her life there. For one thing does she ever get out? Take her places so she is not in there all the time. Think of the things she used to do that she loved and try to do them with her again.

Aging is hard - harder for some than others - and giving up your home and life as you knew it for decades is not always a welcome or easy adjustment. You didn't mention how long your mom has been in this AL facility. Adjustments take quite a long time and the staff should be able to guide you on how to help her adjust. But, if this is a new behavior, you should work with her doctor to understand it better.

While you didn't mention your mom's skills or any medical diagnosis, I imagine that if your mom is in AL it is because she is physically and/or cognitively unable to live totally independently. Does she have any acute or chronic medical conditions that contribute to this emotional state? Are all of her physical, mental and emotional needs being met by the staff so she feels independent with their support?

Once you know she is heathy, properly supported, and given time and resources to adapt to changes, the last thing to consider is behavior.

Personally, I wouldn't directly discuss her negativity if she has a diagnosis of dementia or is still in an adjustment period. Instead, I would opt for 2 or 3 very short calls each day instead of one longer call, and just say brightly and without any hint of agitation, "Oh, mom, sorry, gotta go! Call you later!" When she gets negative. See if that doesn't shape the behavior instead of confronting it with your own negativity.

My mom 86 lives here with me. She is such an Eeyore about literally everything. Whether she's in AL or at home, I don't think it will make much difference how things are done, she will continue to be a chronic complainer. In your shoes I would call less often for starters. When I call I would then just listen to her. She sounds like she needs someone to just hear her out. You don't need to fix anything, just comfort her with the fact that she's safe and sound. Calling 2 or 3 times a week would be enough for me.

ImDrowning: Perhaps you'll have to keep the conversations short for your sanity.

My rich aunt was placed in an expensive facility, caught the flu in there, and died in 3 months. Listen to your Mom, unless you really don't care. Golden Rule: "Do unto Others, as You would have others do unto YOU!"

My sister once said to me, “Are you just venting? Or would you like advice?” One of the best lines ever as it makes the complainer clarify instantly what the role of the listener is.

In either case, if you’ve talked about it before, there is little sense in rehashing it again.

Control the conversation from the start of the call, Ask "what are 5 good things that have happened since my last call?" When she veers into negative comments, always say, "that sounds difficult/unpleasant/hard... but tell me more about that good moment when... happened._

My father is a compulsive whinger. Instead of being grateful for things or gifts that he has received, there’s always something wrong. Some books I bought for him that he had once said that he liked, now the writing is too small and the binding is too tight. It’s the same with DVDS and other things that I’ve bought him. He hasn’t been put into a nursing home, which in hindsight I wish we had done and may still do anyway. I’ve given up buying him anything else because he just doesn’t appreciate anything. I’m doing the best I can to keep him happy. But I’m finding it hard just interacting with him for longer than ten minutes. But the thing he does now is, when he just knows that he has upset my husband or me specifically, he does a big suck hole act. Eg, he recently tried to let our cat out of his day enclosure.( which he is in because he’s scared of our dogs) My husband was furious with him. Long story. Now my father goes “say good night to the little pussy cat for me “in a smarmy voice. Look I’m not sure if he does this to deliberately upset me but he turns it all around so I’m the bad person and that I owe him an apology for getting angry.

I just read that some people are addicted to negativity as some people are addicted to drugs. Is this a new habit? She may not be able to help it.

When my husband was well his family use to joke about his mother's mom, a super sweet lady, ready to chuckle at the drop of a hat but the most pleasurable thing for her was to tell you who died, lost their house in a flood, crashed their car, or about disasters. Good naturedly she'd laugh as everyone, but everyone, would roll their eyes after years of this and without fail ask her - Okay grandma what other good news have you got for us.

Due to his illness my husband has become the dark version of his grandmother and without the good humor. It feels like he jams into my heart fish hooks that are attached to anvil sinkers. Almost everything is negative. It wears me out terribly, so I get you.

May I suggest that in this crazy way your mom may be expressing something she can't bring herself to say, which may be that she is lonely for your company. My first thought as I read your post was of a baby crying, wah, wah, wah when wah may mean hold me.

In a screwed up way complaining may be her way of saying help, console me.

If it's not forgive me and save yourself. Put the phone on speaker, put it down, and mindlessly rotate a few go-to fillers - Oh that's too bad; That must be terrible for you; Oh my, what did you do? Maybe it'll be better next time.

When you go to see her come in a fun loving way. Wear bright clothes. Bring a cheerful pretty little poster for her room, or fresh flowers. Greet people around her. Learn their names. Bring chilled sparkling water and two plastic champagne glasses, and her favorite treat.

Bring $5.00 Monopoly type money along. Tell her you're both going to play a new game. In your chipper rascally manner split the money and say each time one of you says something negative $5.00 must be handed over to the other, no grabbing. Stick your bottom lip out if she doesn't give you the money and say it's okay you'll take an I.O.U.

All in all, I think this is a valuable lesson for us. It's tough getting as old as we can get these days. More aches and difficulties come along with that.

I once heard a story, I know I'm going to it botch up, about a woman that was brought to a facility and said happily that she was going to love her room. The woman walking with her said - But you have seen it yet. The about to be new resident replied that she just knew it was going to be nice. That lady decided to be happy.

I know right now the range of crumby that may, G-d forbid, await me, but I'm going to try to remember to find and focus on that maybe only one thing that will be my oasis, like books, Star Trek reruns, music, fresh air, holidays, pencils and paper to draw with, or someone's time to talk with me.

Btw, this subject reminded me of something during my childhood. My mother was mumbling about how my father had not ironed a shirt well. My parents were always trying to beat each other to a chore to prevent the other from having to do it. I was about 8 and I said tell him, I'm thinking rather then grumble, and she said if I do that he'll won't help again. It was a great lesson for me.

Along the same lines, I currently have a grumpy 82 yr old, crabby, 100% lonely neighbor to whom I've made many offers of service, lunch invitation, or to deliver take-out or a little store bought dessert to which she has always said no in often a I don't need anyone or anything kind of way. I don't make offers anymore. I know she's suffering. She told me how alone she is. People have got to learn to accept an unwanted offer sometimes as a kindness to the giver. It's a whacky giving by taking type of thing. I think I'm cracking up. Does this even fit here?
Yes, it's about crabby complaining people.

Let's all plan on being pleasant and great old geezers and geezettes.
I wonder. Maybe I'll be the first to crab out.

Laugh

My mother is also in AL and also complains about slowness of staff. They are short staffed. I keep thinking if she were still at home, she wouldn’t be getting any better or faster care. I sometimes think it’s all she has to complain about because everything is being taken care of for her. She doesnt really have to worry about anything…but then that might be the issue…Ive also noticed that she’s become very self centered and doesn’t realize what everyone is doing for her.