I posted yesterday that my grandmother was "actively dying." Today I woke up to a text from my uncle that she had passed on early this morning. I was going to leave this morning on a 2-hr ride to go see her and comfort her. But I couldn't get there in time. I can't breathe I can't stop crying. She was my best friend. I don't know what to do. It hurts so much. I know she is in a better place. But I just am so frustrated and angry and disappointed and distraught with myself for not trying hard enough to find transportation last night. She's gone now. I can't see her anymore, or hear her voice, or hear her tell me she loves me. I feel so hopeless and I can't stop crying. How does anyone deal with this feeling?
You haven't even had *one* *day* to take this in. Give yourself a chance! Take deep breaths, put one foot in front of the other, and keep going. Do you have anybody with you right now?
Day One is 24 hours, that's how many you have to get through. Then it will Day Two. Then Week One. Month One. First birthdays, holidays, New Year...
It doesn't hurt less but you get more used to coping with it. Hope the people around you and your therapist will be a comfort. Hugs again.
I wasn't with my dad when he passed and felt bad about that for a few months, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. But I was there for the years leading up to his passing and that's the important thing. Those final minutes aren't nearly as important as the years preceding those hours and the love you show your loved one. {{{Hugs}}}
I had cared for my dad in my home for several years before it became too much for me so he went into a nursing home. And while he had never had dementia his personality was changing. I now understand that it was because of his liver failure.
So I would visit him in the NH frequently. We were very close and as far as he was concerned as long as I was there everything was ok. He deteriorated quickly so we called in hospice.
I last saw him on a Tuesday because I was working 12 hour shifts. He was out of his mind that Tuesday and I comforted him the way a mother would comfort her child. I held him and brought his head to my chest whispering reassurances to him.
Friday I wanted to stop and see him but I had worked 14 hours so I went home but planned on getting to see him the next day, Saturday. As I was driving home Saturday night from a very long shift with still another 12 hour shift to work the next day I postponed seeing my dad until the next day. My 3-day weekend of 12-hour shifts would be over and I would have time to spend with him.
I called the NH when I got home around 10pm and they informed me that my dad had just died. They hadn't even had the opportunity to call me yet as it had just happened. Had I stopped in to see him I would have been with him when he died and this realization hit me very hard.
I didn't sleep that night and somewhere in the middle of the night it became ok that I wasn't with him. It's not like I was off carousing or intentionally ignoring my dear father. I was working, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Still, I waited for the regret and guilt to wash over me but it never did. I devoted years of my life to caring for my dad. I gave him a good and loving home in the last years of his life. I took care of him, I supported him, he was able to watch my teenager daughter graduate from high school. I did what I thought I was supposed to do and I did it well.
So no, there was no guilt, no shame, no regret. I knew those emotions would be toxic so I avoided them and I came to terms with the fact that my dad died alone in a NH. Of course I wish I had been with him when he died--I had to drive right past his NH on my way home that night--but I was working so hard because I had not worked for several years while I cared for him and I was broke.
My family reassured me that it was alright that I wasn't there, they were supportive. And so I stayed OK with the fact that I wasn't there that night. I did nothing wrong, nor did you. We don't know when it's our loved one's time. We can't know to any degree of certainty and we have to live our lives. Grieve for your grandmother, love her, miss her, and remember her.
You're right where you're supposed to be right now.
May God grant you grieving mercies and may you feel His care of you in your time of trial.
I have had patients that were ready to die, "wait" to see or hear from a loved one before they pass. That's what your grandma did. She heard your voice and that gave her the peace to pass on. You didn't have to be there physically, she connected with you and then allowed God to take her.
I also believe some people wait to pass when no one is there. My dad did this. I was in the hospital 24/7 but the night I decided to sleep at my girlfriend's house (I lived far away), he died. I really wanted to be there because there was no one else in his life. But I think he knew how painful it would be for me to watch him slip away, so he passed alone. Maybe your grandma was trying to spare you the pain of having your last memory be of her dying. She wants you to remember her as you do and the good times you had.
Take a couple of days off to collect your thoughts and process your feelings. As others have said, the pain will get easier to bear. I'm glad you have a meeting with your therapist today. Take care.
I agree with those who commented that your grandmother may have preferred to go as she did, having heard your dear voice but without having you witness her final moments. She may not have wanted that. In my own grandmother's case, I think she did want to pass by herself, and that she would have found it difficult to "let go" if any of her children and grandchildren were in the room. In your grief, please know that she is with God, and God is never very far away from you.
I know mom is in a better place and free from the disease, but it doesn't always make me feel any better. I believe she is in a happy place where she is young, beautiful and free of the confusion of dementia and pain. So I will find peace in that at some point. In the meantime, I talk to her every day and tell her I will be ok. Because I will be.
So, my friend, feel what you need to feel and don't apologize. Talk to your grandma every day, she is listening. Tell her you will be ok, because you will be, someday.
I can only speak from my experience, I had a “nightmare” the night before he passed, where I felt a pain like no other. Woke up covered in sweat and crying desperately, my heart getting out of my chest, I just knew it had to do with something terrible. Could not call right away because it was the middle of the night for my parents. In the morning I still waited until it was a normal hour to call, my mom answered and said they both were fine and my dad was leaving to run a few errands but that she could tell him to come back from the car and talk to me..I said no, trusting he was ok and it had been only a nightmare. He never came back, had a heart attack. My sweet dad.
I’ll never forget that experience, but same as I cannot explain what happened with that “nightmare” and my daddy passing, I cannot explain you how or why, but I’ve felt my dad with me accompanying me, supporting me, consoling me in my most hardest times. It’s almost palpable. Also in normal days.
I’m not a religious fanatic and I’m not crazy (well, I think we all are a little crazy!); but what I’m trying to tell you is that your grandma truly hasn’t left you Morgan. I don’t want this phrase to sound just as a “consolation prize”, but I truly believe true love never ends, we transform into something else that we’ll never understand until our times comes, but love doesn’t change, if anything it grows as it becomes eternal. Your grandma is with you and if she could, I think she’d tell you that this is all temporary, she’ll always love you as much as you’ll her! Tell her you love her now, I think you’ll know she is loving you with all her heart! You’ll feel it.
God bless you Morgan!
In my post, I talked about active dying.
There aren't enough words in the English language that will take this hurt away.
I can sympathize with you.
Mom's Mother died on Christmas, we lived in NC at the time. Knew the time was near.
My family waited for us to get back home for the funeral. My other grandmother was there and was telling me things like she was apologizing for things in the past.
We spent a week seeing her, taking her out for lunch etc. She called me the night before we had to leave the next day telling me that I was her favorite grandchild and always had been; how much she loved me.
After I got off the phone with her I told my Mom how odd grandma had been acting since my other grandma's funeral.
We flew back to NC and had a 3 he drive from Raleigh to Charlotte. I forgot to turn my phone on, but I had a gut feeling something was wrong.
We got home and our land line was ringing like crazy. My grandma had died exactly 1 week after my other grandma.
I couldn't stop crying and did exactly as you're doing right now. I asked Mom to go to the hospital where our daughter was doing her externship. I called her charge nurse to tell her want happened and get my daughter before my Mom got there.
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. The elevator doors opened as our daughter got there at the same time! She almost fainted because she thought our plane had crashed.
When she learned it was grandma, she immediately called the hospital to find out what happened.
I had to deal with a daughter who had a panic attack and losing my grandmama and not being there.
It's going to hurt you, you'll cry for no reason or something will happen that will remind you of her.
Only time is going to help you. Only you can decide how long it takes. When you cry and people ask you what's wrong, don't say anything just have notes you can hand them to tell them.
This may sound very strange to you and others, but it is harder for me to talk about our 2 dogs we had to help cross the Rainbow Bridge along with our daughter's dog who crossed before New Year than talking about my family members who have passed. It's been 7 yrs since our dogs crossed. I'm crying right now telling you this.
I haven't hit that time of healing for that yet; I can talk about my grandmas though and talk about all the great times we had.
You're going to get through this. If necessary, speak with a therapist so you can express what you're going through.
God bless you and your family. God has His arms around you right now to comfort and help you face this road block.
I am very sorry for your loss. I know you loved your grandmother very much and this is an extremely difficult time. Please be kind to yourself. Thinking of you and your family. Sending you love and hugs.