I don’t want to end up like my parents. Any advice?

There are no guarantees… save your $$$

Good Morning,

I couldn't help but think, perhaps, your wife who is 17 years younger should promise you that the she will be there for "your" last breathe. There was no mention of that. Since chances are you will go first.

I'm sorry I have that Irish sense of humor and couldn't resist.

I hope you have a lot of $$$. Seeing that your name is happy I didn't think you would mind.

There are no guarantees in life. If you feel uneasy about your future if you have the money buy long term insurance. At one time it was a good deal. Now there are so many loopholes that the premiums are usually not locked in and they increase over time.

Everyone's number one fear is, I don't want to die alone. When you say your wife is watching your parents decline is there something that you have noticed that makes you concerned.

Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. This is called life and depending upon what your beliefs are, "through sickness and in health". Depends on which rules you are playing by.

You and your sister sound like really nice people. These May/December marriages are tricky. You sound like you are not sure if you will taken care of.
No one knows. Don't be afraid. Life is not a pat hand. God always sends people.

Do you belong to a Church. Do you have good medical, disability insurance, life insurance, etc. These things are important. Perhaps, as my brother would say, have a Come To Jesus meeting with your wife and get a portfolio and put everything in it.

eat good don't take drug (recreational ) enough sleep and SAVE YOUR MONEY

I'm 67 with mild health conditions, no dementia, Thank God, but independent in my lovely condo without local relatives in sunny CA. I'm OK and active now. Not sure what will happen 10, 20, 25 years from now. I'm in a limited financial situation and cannot relocate to natural family until further notice. All we family can do is stay in remote contact for now.

Mediterranean diet
Regular exercise - working with a trainer at a gym is a great way to get started.
Mental and intellectual stimulation daily - word games and puzzles
Learn a new language
The Transcendental Meditation® technique. tm.org

We live too long. Accept death instead of prolonged treatment which will not improve the quality of your life but may only make you an emotional and financial burden.

Eat organic , exercise - yoga , meditation , stretch, swim , enjoy Nature. hike , sun light . No Pharmacueticals . Limit cigarettes and alcohol intake . You could do a 23 and me test which tells you if you have the gene But I would Not want to Know .

Now would be a good time to visit places in your area where you can live when you can't keep up your home anymore. You might not need them for 10 or 20 years, but at least you'd know what you like and don't like in such places. Some people want a lot of socialization. Others don't. There are so many varieties of independent living and assisted living. I'd suggest choosing a place that offers stepped-up care; i.e., you start out in independent living, maybe in your own separate house on the grounds, and when you need more help, you move to an apartment and then to skilled nursing or memory care. This way if either you or your wife have a health issue and need help, the other one can live an independent life and there's always going to be someone to help both of you, whatever the difficulty. Save your money! It costs, but it's never too early to plan financially for one of the major circumstances of your lives. Several people that I know who did this sold their house and other assets in order to afford it. Their kids were very grateful not to have to take them in. So was the surviving spouse.

First of all, get an elder care attorney. You and your wife are not too young to make plans and have the three important documents in place: A Will, POA and POA for healthcare. If you are both in good health you might look into Long Term Health Care insurance. Also, if you have concerns about your own memory now or in the future, speak with someone at the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America (866) 232-8484. You can be tested to see if you carry 2 copies of the APO4 gene which predisposes you toward developing the disease. Then there are clinical trials for people with no symptoms to see if you have Amyloid plaques and at least they are free. They are designed to help people in advance. The advice is always exercise, Mediterranean diet, limit alcohol if drinking at all to 1glass a day. Good luck!

mynameishappy, one secret is for one's spouse to be on the same page when it comes to the future and aging.

My parents were in their 90's and Dad wanted to sell the house [too much maintenance for him at that age] and move to senior living. My Mom said no, nada, never. She even refused to have caregivers in the house, but Dad wanted them. I tried, but Mom was a hornet and shoo the caregiver out. One caregiver told me my parents were in a bitter verbal dispute with each other constantly over having caregivers. If only they were on the same page.

I am dealing with something similar with my sig-other, who is the same age as I am. He wants to age in place, and have his grand-daughters help him when he gets much older. I am so against that, as I do not want to disrupt his grand-daughters college education, future careers and future home life. Guess he didn't learn anything when he and I both were trying to care for my parents. I was a basket case as my parents still viewed me as someone in their 20's or 30's with a lot of energy, instead of me being a senior citizen myself.

You can't stop the aging process, but you can look after yourself. I have started reading a book "The Great Age Reboot" which may give some ideas about increasing our chances of a long healthy life. I haven't got very far into it so this is not an unqualified recommendation. There are other books out, I am sure, with good ideas about maintaining your health. Much of it is obvious - keep your blood pressure, your weight, your blood sugar etc. where they should be. Do this by life style changes as necessary rather than relying on pills. Get good nutrition, exercise, sleep, deal with stress, socialize, give your brain challenges - games and so on. When I say exercise that does not mean beating your body up but keeping moving. Muscles are meant to be used. This may sound simplistic but it isn't. It is the best way to look after your body and mind IMO.

I am 85 and on very few meds. I work on what I have mentioned above. it is not fool proof but I strongly believe it helps. I do have CFS/FM but still do more than many my age. My family is very long lived so I work to keep as good a quality of life as I can. If you are going to be alive you want to be able to have a life.

hug!

of course you know the usual things:
-enjoy your life
-have fun

just kidding…
i mean, we all know the usual things:
1. eat healthily
2. exercise
3. get your papers in order (POA, will…). leave as little mess/chaos for other people.

also:

4. be surrounded by kind people (mean people will wear down your health). WHAT you eat, and WHO your friends are, is just as important. eliminate unfriendly people from your life.
5. be a kind person yourself
6. live a life you’re PROUD of (then, later, even if bad things happen, or bad health, you can look back with pride).


bundle of joy
(wearing my xmas reindeer antlers as i type)

I am so not a doctor. But in my case I plan to: limit/exclude benzodiazepines, and limit/exclude anticholinergic medication. I also see ppl here talking about some kind of insurance that can cover nursing costs later, tho I'm 100% unfamiliar with that. Dementia is not present in my family history - but caring for my mom on hospice now I'm not sure what I'm seeing so I better plan ahead just in case.

Pretty sure wife understands you're 17+ years older then her and a promise like that would have been made out of the emotional viewpoint of love.

I married a man 10 years younger but I once read that on average men die 10 years younger than their spouses. So I now tell my husband I robbed the cradle so that I didn't have to spend my last decade alone ;)

In the meantime I know this is a lot for someone to absorb. Moments like is is when we really start facing our own mortality. But as my mom and aunts/uncles say, old age isn't for sissies, and no one gets out alive.

Make plans now.
Tell your wife that you do not want her to care for you.
That if it comes to the point where you need care that you will move to AL or MC what ever is appropriate for the level of care that you need.
If you can afford it look into Long Term Care Insurance.
At some point look into Community Living for both you and your wife. As long as there is a Continuum of care available it would make any transition easier for both of you. You can enjoy retirement, not have the upkeep of a house, eliminate many bills that come with homeownership. And know that if either of you need care it will be there.
AND one thing to do now is...if you taking care of your parents is taking time away from your time with your wife and family then maybe it is time to move your parents to AL or MC.

And one last word, I have this hanging by my computer this is a partial quote...

I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. And then I realised...you spent the rest of your life with me.

Never make promises that you may not be able to fulfill and never make anyone promise you something that they may not be able to fulfill.
You never know what the future holds.
What you can do is tell each other that you will care for each other as best as you can as long as you can safely to do so.