I dread going to visit my mom in the nursing home. Is this bad? Normal? I don't want to feel like a terrible daughter!

This is grief. It comes in waves. Let it wash over you when you need. It's ok to cry.

If talking is too hard, maybe tell her some news then listen to some nice music together. Find a new way to connect. Even if it is just sitting peacefully holding her hand.

That is what many people want. Someone who cares to peacefully hold their hand for a while.

Such a terrible situation for both of you, my heart hurts for you. My mother has advanced dementia so it's hard to go see her, too, so I know how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself, though. You're not selfish at all; you're feeling the pain of the loss of your old mom here! I don't blame you. Bring photos for her to look at; my mother does enjoy that I think. Maybe you can stroke her forehead; I used to do that with my kids when they were little and feeling sad and they'd fall asleep from the comfort it gave them. And stroke her hair too. Human touch gives comfort like nothing else, I think. What more can you really do for her?

Wishing you the best of luck with such a difficult situation. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that God helps both of you through this to a more peaceful place.

If one thinks about it at first from a generic point of view it is understandable. You enter a nursing home. It is very hard to feel upbeat. My mother is primarily bedbound. Before I see her I encounter many other residents. None of them are in good physical shape yet are better off than my mother but are completely mentally gone.Many cannot speak or if they do it rarely makes sense. Most have a vacant lost look. They may seem in better physical shape compared to my mother which depresses me. I often make sure to go on Sundays when the facility is short staffed. Her paper does not get delivered to her unless I do it. The majority of the staff I encounter that day is far from upbeat. Most don't acknowledge me. She is almost always still in her nightgown that day. I do her nails which are never in good shape. I try to organize her area and go over her reading material. I wipe down sticky surfaces and sometimes part of the floor. I try to set up areas she can access. There is so little space she can get to.

She can verbally communicate which should make me feel better yet she is so physically limited. What about any of that can be considered upbeat? I see many of the same residents in their same lost states. I wonder how long they will be kept captive and why this is happening. What is the point to lives such as this? I should feel as though I have accomplished some good but there are so many frustrations. I take some solace in the fact that the resident next to her has just passed on. The woman never spoke and just stared up at the ceiling. I am glad she at least has been released from a hopeless existence.

I am so sorry for your situation and I can completely relate. I know I never want to end up like this and find myself wondering what I could possibly do before I might. None of that instills general positivity. When my husband accompanies me we both leave with a similar mental state.

All I can tell you is to know that you are bringing something positive by visiting your mother. She is likely a little better off because you have visited. Your sentiments are shared by many. My mother is taking a long time to go out. All that entails weighs on me. I often cried after visits. I guess I have passed that state due to the period of time she has been in SN. It doesn't get easier but bearable. I wish you strength.

You've lost your mom, so it's natural to experience grief. Now there's someone in her body that you'll need to get to know, so you'll be grieving the mother you knew while caring for the mother who's left.

It's really, really hard, but you'll be able to handle it a little better each day.

Please be kind to yourself. Lots of people here can relate to what you are going through and feeling. I agree with others that trying to find something to focus on or do while you are there might be helpful. Even just looking at photos together or a magazine on a favourite topic. My mother has Alzheimer's and I dread visiting as well. I bring her British magazines and we look at the pictures together. It makes it tolerable. You will know best what your mother is capable of at the moment so try to build something from there. I still dread visiting my mother but having a focus makes it more tolerable. Sending you ❤️.

Thank you for asking this question, Cricket523, and thank you to the many answerers! I have been going through this for the past 2 and a half years. My mother had a stroke and now has dementia as well, and is in a NH that angers and distresses me. Though people tell me the ones that accept Medicaid are all like hers. She has been in there since June 2019, and has now been on hospice care for a little over a year, when she suddenly stopped walking, vocalizing (she already couldn't speak intelligibly anymore), using her limbs for much of anything, and also stopped eating on her own. Just reading this thread is the best grief counselling I have received in all this time, and helps with the guilt I feel as well. Thank you to all of you for practical information, and for the comfort of knowing I'm not alone. I wish I could hug you all. Bless you.

My Mom was always in a common area. I requested her not be left alone in her room. She liked watching other people. In her AL she had residents that were mentally Ok so I would talk with them with her next to me. In the NH there was a woman visiting her DH who had a stroke and could not interact. So we would talk and she would say to Mom "isn't that right P".

Like suggested, find out when they have activities. Talk to the physical therapist in what you can do.

Your feelings are completely normal. I used to get nauseous the minute I opened the door and that all too familiar nursing home smell hit me in the face. Try to come up with a plan that you can tolerate/manage. Maybe plan on a short stay like 30 minutes. Take a magazine and read an article to her. Bring up some pictures on your phone to show her of a pet or child in the family. If you have an itinerary, it will keep you on point and maybe you won't have those awkward silent moments. I don't know what your mom is capable of, but maybe you take a puzzle and lay it out in front of her and you work it while she watches. Same thing with a coloring book. If she has a tv in her room, check to see when one of her favorite shows is on and plan your visit during that time so that you can watch it together.

My visits with mom are not very long. This past Monday I took some donut holes and coffee to her and we sat in the common area with some of the other residents and I talked about everything from the weather to various donut shops around town...ones I liked, ones I didn't like. I just make random conversation. I asked her friends questions, sometimes they can answer, sometimes they can't.

It's short, sweet and superficial conversation. But I get to lay eyes on her, see that she is ok and tell her I love her.

You are young and still grieving and that is completely normal. Create a visit that works for you.

Please consider seeing a counsellor. You are grieving and need to get to a place of peace about your mom's condition. A counsellor can help you understand your emotions and find ways of coping with your mom's issues.

Might I also suggest that you go to visit your mom with some ideas of how to spend the time together:
play music she loves and sing along with the songs
bring photos and tell her about what is going on in each picture
bring flavored apple sauces - she would appreciate the variety
bring her scented lotion and rub it onto her arms and legs

What you are feeling is completely normal. My daughter is feeling the exact same way about her father (my husband). You need to do what is best for you to save your sanity. In my husband’s case, I Visit Often but 5 minutes later he does not remember that I was there. What I have started to do for my daughters request, I FaceTime her while I’m visiting him to make it easier on everyone. She’s having an extremely difficult time accepting my husband‘s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s dementia/vascular dementia. It is a horrible heartbreaking illness and I honestly prefer that she take care of herself now so that she can be there for her son and not be sad and depressed all the time. I try to spend as much time with him as I can while he’s still recognizes meAnd I realize that we are all grieving and we all grieve differently. Be kind to yourself. You can’t change things, you can only learn how to live with these changes. Your loved one knows you love her and she loves you as well. Good luck to you and I’m sending you hugs💜💜