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I recently had to move my elderly mother to an assisted living facility. When we moved all of her things in, I asked her where she wanted the phone. She said she didn't think she needed one, and I was relieved.
When she was living alone in her house, she would get "robo calls" or surveys and not understand what the people wanted. In addition, she is extremely hard of hearing and trying to communicate over the phone is nearly impossible, and her short-term memory is highly compromised.
If she feels she needs to, she can make a call from the nurse's desk, as she did today.
She has a doctor's appointment 2 days from now, and called me to ask if we were still going tomorrow morning. I tried to explain where we are in days-of-the week, only to have her say she couldn't understand me. She also asked why we were going (she needs to be established with a doctor closer to her new residence) and I was unable to get her to understand that either.
Yesterday, when I visited, she said, 4 times, "tomorrow is Christmas." Each time I corrected her that the holiday is a week away, but it didn't seem to stick with her.
So I'm sure some may think I've isolated her by her not having a phone, it's a bit of a relief to not get phone calls from her when she doesn't remember what was said and can't hear.
Am I terrible for being relieved that she can't call me for every little thing and that she needs to use the facility phone?

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No. You're not terrible.

Your mother finds it difficult to use the phone. Using a new phone of her own would be a waking nightmare for her. When she uses the facility phone, there is assistance right there if she needs it.

If keeping track of appointments worries her you might like to get her a good, clear calendar and ask her helpers to write everything down that she needs to know. You can probably get one that has TODAY marked with a slidable tab to help her stay oriented.
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Don’t feel guilty. I had to pull my mother’s phone after we moved her to the nursing home, too. She had days and nights confused and would often call at 3AM. Two years ago, I visited a few days before Christmas and explained to her that I’d see her the day after Christmas. She called on Christmas Day, sobbing, agitated and angry and accused me of not coming to see her “for months”, of “hating” her, etc. I spent the day with my family, depressed, upset and withdrawn. The following week I pulled then phone. I told her if she needed help to summon a nurse and if she needed me she could use the nurse’s phone. It worked out and after a while she didn’t even miss the phone.
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Nope, you're not terrible. No guilt. You said she can't hear and has memory loss. Why would she need a phone?
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In a word. No. You’ve clearly explained all the reasons why a phone isn’t a good idea.
Does she use the facility phone? Or rather has she used it since she has been there?
It sounds like it would be very frustrating for her trying to use the phone based on her current limitations.
Although the younger generation would never believe it today, humans did just fine without phones. I’m assuming she interacts with people face to face where she is rather than over a phone.
If there are those she misses talking to perhaps you can bring your cell phone and make a prearranged call as a special treat for her. If it’s a success you can do that often. If it’s too difficult discontinue.
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My mother has an "atomic clock" which displays the time, day, and date.
I have also given her a paper calendar, and wrote "Doctor" on the day we are to go.
And...I wrote a large reminder note on 8½ x 11 paper and taped it to the inside of her door, so she sees it least 3 times a day when she goes for meals.
Before i moved her, there were several times when she called at night, thinking it was morning, or vice versa. And after the conversation today, my voice is actually a bit hoarse from trying to be heard (to be addressed at the doctor).
Just wanted others who have faced the same to reassure me that for her, not having a phone is best.
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The same tips OnlyChildCarere wrote above was what I was going to write. We removed dad's phone while he is in SNF/ Rehab and it’s been wonderful not having him call me. It saved my sanity. But since he has no STM, I write and leave notes taped for him. Yesterday it was about our plans for Christmas holidays so he can refer to it as needed. I do the same for other situations. I have a calendar hanging up to write things on too.  
My dad's AL facility has doctors that will take on residents as patients. They come there to see them every 6 weeks. Does your mom's ALF have that too? It’s been wonderful as they can order labs, prescriptions etc and I don’t have to transport him.
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I am wondering about doctor visits and ALFs, also. The ALF my mother should be in (and I hope ends up in, if she ever agrees to go to one) doesn't have a doctor that visits, but does have van service to doctor appointments.

My question is just how workable are these van services? My mother takes forever to walk anywhere, needs to have the elevator door held open or she panics, can get turned around sometimes and not know the way out, etc. If the van takes them, are they just dropped off and expected to be totally self-sufficient beyond that?

(I'm sure my mother would expect me to still be her taxi service if she were in an AL; would consider herself too good to take the van. My thought would be that she is PAYING for that service, and should therefore utilize it. Besides, she doesn't allow me in the back for medical appointments, anyway. But I'm sure there would be a temper tantrum -- in her case, a crying/shaking fit -- because in her mind I OWE her.)

The phone is another good point. I don't want my mother to be calling me all the time with complaints/demands/etc.
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No
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I wish I had gotten rid of my dad's phone sooner. It was not that he would call me because he had difficulty using even the one button system on his phone(press 4 for Gina) but if he got a message on the answering machine he would misinterpret it all the time. He once told me that he got a message from a mean man that was threatening him. The call was a gentle reminder from a volunteer at the VA about an upcoming appt. I then had all such calls go to my cellphone. My dad also had trouble with day, date and time. Didn't find that the atomic clock was useful. We had to go to daily sitters 7am-7pm to keep him on track through the day.
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Your mom can't hear or remember much; you have no reason to feel guilty and are doing the right thing.

My mother lives on her own and never needs help but I leave my phone turned off for weeks at a time because she leaves messages in a hysterical tone of voice that upsets me for days.

In high school I had phone phobia and didn't use the phone for two years. It never went away entirely and is getting worse with her calls. To me phones are like bombs that could explode at any minute.
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No, you shouldn't feel guilty.

Your mother grew up without a phone and it sounds like you found a way to minimize interruptions into your daily life. At least she can call you by using the facility phone. Maybe she forgets "why" by the time she reaches the phone.

Stress is a killer.
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Are you serious?

She doesn't need a phone, it will not make her life better and will make YOURS a living h#ll. You have my permission to not give her a phone. Let her make calls from the nurse's station or the front desk or wherever, but TELL them no more than one a day if that. It will give her something to do, walk down and cal you and speak some nonsense, but you can put limits on it.
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NO! When my girl first went to AL he had a phone....made my sil life agony! Much better for her when the phone
was removed. He was well taken care of and had assistance
if it was really necessary to call. Calling my sil many times a
day to ask where his car was really was difficult.
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Not girl....fil.
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geeez, thank goodness for this forum.
mom calls with several issues/questions, +/-10x each within 1-3 days - forgetting that we've already discussed [within those 1-3 days]
this disease is boggling my mind with its cruelty - removing dignity from afflicted person - and - baffling baby-boomer caregivers
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Extremely terrible. I made my mother a phone book where she could call friends, children, grandchildren, not even 10 numbers total. There is usually a discount in a NH. Some states now have what is called a CAP Tel telephone which is good for hard of hearing and is free. Service can be with no bells and whistles. No long distance, 3 way, caller ID etc. less than $20 a month. You treat your mother as if her mental is on the same page as yours. Her confusion is due to her not having anyone to talk to.
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Um. I think OCC's mother's confusion is considered by her doctors, caregivers, daughter, people who know her to be more attributable to dementia than to lack of conversation.

Though it is certainly true that loneliness and isolation are no good for anybody's mental health.

Fortunately, this lady has lots of nice people around her who can help her use the telephone as needed, and can chat to her the rest of the time.
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No need to feel guilty--commuter girl has some points, but they don't seem to really apply in your case. Your mom has plenty of people to talk to, but she doesn't have pressing need to contact anyone on a daily basis, it sounds like. It's not like she's being held captive with no recourse to a phone! You're just containing the problem.

My mother cannot use her phone, no matter who has "set it up" for her, or how easy it is to use... The "swipe" thing--she can't do it. She almost never answers it, unless she's expecting a call from a drs' office. I've had the same number for 39 years and she never remembered it. The skill to use the phone is just over her head now, and you cannot understand her when she does pick up. She'll get rid of it on her own, eventually. Robo-calls and such were making her nervous and upset, as she doesn't understand what they want.

OCC isn't being mean, she's helping. No need for guilt.
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No do not feel bad! I had to take my mom's phone from her and she still lives with me. She would call taxis to take her places and not tell me. She would also give phone scammers her personal information thinking she was winning something. Not to mention the calls to me any time I left the house. Your mom is in good hands with the AL so don't feel bad. I like the ideas of helping her understand what day it is and when her appointments are. Other than that she obviously is doing ok without one. Take care!
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I had to take my Mom's phone away too. First of all she couldn't remember how to use it and would drive the caregivers crazy. Then my brother was calling her to ask for money & her truck and other things that are worth something. This was a big issue at the time because my father had just passed away and apparently my brother thought it was time to divide up their resources between the kids (apparently didn't get the concept there until my Mom passes, their assets will be used to take care of her, was getting his dibs in first.) I was very upset because I have taken care of them by myself for 6 years. (A little help from my sister and my other brothers, but not him. In fact, my parents lived in his town prior to coming. They ended up here because they would get sick & he wouldn't come, even when Dad was in the ICU for days. He lived about 5 minutes away at the time. Couldn't take hearing my mother cry about it).

He can still call her now, but his time is limited. Has to call the care home. He tried calling and keeping her on the phone for hours. They nipped that in the bud. He and his wife haven't spoken to me since. Oh well.

There are several family members who call regularly. She forgets it 5 minutes after they call, though.

I felt guilty for quite a while, but not anymore. Took time to adjust. It will be OK!
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I wouldn’t feel guilty at all. I wish I had never gotten my father a phone when he moved into assisted living. He was so confused by his 2nd day there he was calling and yelling at me asking why he was at that place (he picked it by the way) and when he would be going home. When I tried to explain the situation to him he got even angrier. He started calling adult protective services, the police, lawyers. It was a nightmare that lasted over a month and a half! If he had never had that phone I don’t think it would have gotten so out of hand. I finally had to take the phone away. After he finally more or less settled in I gave it back to him. I blocked all the callers that would get him stirred up and feed into his dementia and gave him just a few numbers he could call. If I had it to do over again....well I’m sure you know what I mean.
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no
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CTTN55, the facility should be perfectly capable of taking her to her appointment. They don’t just drop her off. They go her to the doctors office and will either go back with the resident or get a report of the visit.
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No, not terrible. When my mom was living with me, I had to have all the incoming calls forwarded to my cell because the scam calls were making her crazy.

In the ALF she had her cell phone and a land line. I now have the cell phone (cancelled that service), and the land line she used for all of 17 minutes last month. I think she is losing the ability to call out on it, very often she has the nurses call from the front desk because she is having trouble with the phone. . . or lost her key and could not remember what to ask the front desk person on how to get into her apartment.

She does still answer the phone if she is in the apartment when it rings. I made a phone list with the top 10 people that she used to talk with on the phone, but she misplaces that all the time also.

CTTN55, at my mom's ALF, they do transport, but don't go into the exam room, they expect that whoever has medical POA to be with her at the actual appointment. They do have a RPN who can see the residents, order tests and medication, they do the blood work there, and even call in a portable x-ray when needed. It has saved me several trips to the ER, and to the lab first thing in the AM for fasting bloodwork.
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You aren't terrible because quite a lot of elders have difficulty using a phone.
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You were right to pull the phone & congrats for doing so - I took mom's away after she made 9 calls to her lawyer on holiday weekend - lawyer charged $250.00 for trying to sort out what was said [all gibberish] - HER lawyer told me to get rid of her phone ASAP - FYI mom has never asked for it back
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My SIL couldn't cope with her father calling her back the moment they'd hung up day after day. She took his phone, and he never even asked where it was. A month later, her brother (who needless to say is the one who visits twice a year and couldn't understand why her father had to go into memory care) was outraged and got his father a new phone. Later that day the brother called his sister, very angry that she (who was at her own doctor's apt) hadn't prevented their father from doing this to him during a business meeting.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.
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The Alzheimer's store sells a phone that only receives calls. If it makes you feel better, you can put one of those in her room so you can reach out to her if you feel the need. But don't feel guilty for feeling relieved. You would not be feeling anything at all if you didn't love your mother dearly. You're a good daughter.
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Elders will sometimes forget how to use a phone, starting with putting it up to their ear.
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Oy! My mother would call with some demented story, the Kardashians were sleeping in the back room, there was a dog walking around the house making messes on the floor (yeah. dog. right). She would natter on and then put the phone down and walk away to look for the dog, and the phone would be off the hook until I got in the car and drove 20 miles to put it back, or her caregiver showed up to clean up the 'dog mess' and put the phone back on the hook. After she went in the nursing home, a couple of relatives asked if she had a phone number where they could call her, but sadly, by then she was far beyond being able to use a phone at all. Toward the end I would call her in her house as usual, and she never was able to answer, much less converse. It was The. End.
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