My mom has MS. Her disease has progressed and the level of care she needs has dramatically increased in less than a month. As of this weekend she has moved to an assisted living with 24 hour care. She can no longer transfer on her own, has a catheter, and I feel has just given up.
I am 34 years old and an only child. My father passed away several years ago and I was also the caregiver for my grandfather before he passed away. My older friends have no "real" idea what I am going through or have gone through. My mom and I have had many conversations about her care and she was and still is clear that there is no way she could or would move in with me.
When I mentioned this to my friends, I was immediately made to feel guilty and told they would never send their parents to a nursing home. After this conversation, I have just stopped talking about anything to do with my mother. They just do not understand what I am going through. It is always on my mind no matter what I do.
I am emotionally drained by all of this. My mom can be and often is nasty to me and that makes all of this much harder. I cry all the time and I find myself resentful of those who lead what I feel is a "normal" life.
I have so much respect for those who care for their parents in their home. I feel guilty for even venting. I just feel guilty all the time and I need to know if I will ever feel normal again?
Feeling guilty is natural, and so is feeling resentful, confused, angry, lonely, and a host of other emotions. They are part of being human, and everyone experience a variety of them from time to time, so join in and vent all you need to with the rest of us. I can relate to your struggle, so know you're in familiar company, and you are not alone.
Give yourself some time to adjust to your mom's new living arrangement, and time to grieve her decline. As for nastiness, I understand perfectly how difficult that can be. Like a nightmare sometimes. Just remember it's her and not you that has that attitude. As for feeling guilty for venting, it's OK, and that's part of what this site is for. You have to be able to let off steam somewhere. Not everyone is comfortable with it, but plenty are. I can relate to the feeling, though. I feel ashamed to admit Dad and FIL are in a NH, because I know some who view NH choices with disdain. But every situation is different, and each family has to decide what works for them. So take heart, and hope you find your burdens lightened and spirits lifted. You are more than welcome to let out all that junk and you'll probably be surprised how many understand.
Normal means you have a wide range of emotions. That's the way God created us. Take care of you, without feeling guilty for that. Sorry to hear about you losing your Dad and about your Mom's decline. Hope she'll get the help she needs, and you can get some rest. Be gentle with yourself.
It's about a week before Christmas, and I'm just now reading your note and the responses that you received from others. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I was wondering how you're doing at this time of year.
One thing that really bothers me is when others put pressure on us, thinking that they know what is best for us. Ugh! When they don't realize that everyone's situation and needs are different, they actually make our situation worse. That's because they're not being supportive. And when that happens, it makes our hearts hurt EVEN MORE because we now have to also deal with their pressure. A lot of times we also become more isolated, in an attempt to not have to deal with their behavior! After all, we have enough on our plate already!
I wish people could understand that supporting THE PERSON (you!) is more important than agreeing with the other person's plans or decisions.
So, ScienceGal, are you in a better place than you were a month ago? I hope so. I hope that things have settled down somewhat. And I hope that you are able to find a way to enjoy yourself a little bit during the holidays. Hang in there, and don't give up or give in.
All of us on this site have been there. All of our emotions have been frayed and battered. At times, our fatigue has been so great that we felt like we would crumble. All of us have second-guessed our own decisions, worried about our sanity, felt horribly guilty because we're not perfect, and been misunderstood at one time or another. I am finding that is more normal, than abnormal in this family caregiver role.
Merry Christmas and a Happier New Year to you and yours,
Linda
Don't listen to those "friends" or let them make you feel guilty. Remember they have no idea what you are going through so who are they to make you feel guilty.
I can tell that you are a very caring person, as all who are caretakers are.
Don't let your mother's mood get to you too much. I know it is hard but the best thing you can do is not take it too personally. I know that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.
I write my feelings in a journal, I read books to escape or watch movies and I eat things that make me feel good. Be careful of the eating I have gained a bit. Perhaps you need to talk to someone professionally about your feelings?
Talking here I think will be a great start for you.
Keep your chin up and be happy. You are not alone.