my 87 y/o mother has lived with my husband and I for 3 years. I feel guilty when I start to feel resentment that I am in this position. We are both retired and he just lives his life and comes and goes and I do not have that option. I feel trapped then I feel quilty for feeling that way. I have 2 sisters who live right here in town, one doesn't even come and visit the other one does, but she gets to go home. I sound horrible but these are real feelings.
I have suggested that we eat at least dinner meal together on occasion as a couple and it's been good for us to enjoy that time together. Principle in Bible Proverbs 15:22 equals success for us. YAY!
With all due respect, maybe it's time to start examining the resentment you feel more carefully instead of continually pushing it away by counting blessings, today's a new day, etc. It's OK for a Christian to have boundaries.
You sound like a lovely person with an awesome ministry and I'll bet your parents value and miss you!
I hope you'll forgive the bluntness of my comments.
We have an outstanding caregiver who comes in a few hours 4 days a week, so I can engage in my Christian ministry out of doors. (This has been beneficial for me.) I consider what I do in the home in caring for his parents’ needs is my internal ministry in the site of God. Beyond and above the guilt comes peace of mind that associated with fulfilling, to the best of my ability, my God-given responsibility, to care for and provide loving support for his aging parents’ needs and desires in their last stage of life. It’s not easy. My husband and I are in our 60’s. I am grateful to God for the sustaining power He supplies and His approval- “well done” each and everyday these last 8 months. I acknowledge the guilt but refuse to embrace it.
In conclusion, counting my blessings, acknowledging my insecurities, and moving forward each new day helps. Doing all I can to add to the overall contentment/peace in our home massages my inner peace and squelches some of the guilt I have associated with resentment I feel because I seldom have the time and energy to visit and support my own aging parents still living in their home just 10 minutes away.
geewhiz - How much time did you spend with your mom when she was in the facility? What you did sounds overwhelming. Did you spend all day there? I am wondering what the norm is, because if my mother enters a facility, I expect her to be taken care by the staff, not me.
witsendalone - Do you take care of your mother's boyfriend? Why? Doesn't he have his own family?
I too mull over what I want to do when I'm free to leave Mom's house and my house in another state finally sells. Months ago I was terrified that I could go anywhere and do anything. Oh, no! Where do I go!? What do I do!? I had to talk myself into the thought that I'm not drifting alone, but the world is open to me. Where do I go, what do I do?! Anywhere and anything that suits my fancy.
It's because we were born free, and we want to stay free, and this is OK.
Wishing you lots of freedom
Be honest with your sister in town that visits. "Sis, I want to be honest with you- I am feeling a bit trapped and overwhelmed with taking care of Mom. Would you consider spending a weekend here while hubby and I do an overnight away and have some time to ourselves?"
When I was taking care of my Mom (in a FACILITY) I too felt overwhelmed. One day my out of state sister called while I was visiting my Mom. My (VERY blunt husband) told her I needed relief. (BTW I didn't learn about this conversation from her EVER and hubby only told me 2 years after my Mom was gone! ) From that call on, my sister came up once a month for 4-5 days. She did the daily visits to Mom and got to visit her friends and relatives in the area as well. She made herself available while we went away for a week! She came the first time and sat with me and asked what I did with my Mom when I made my daily visits. I talked about hydrating, walking or chair exercises, attending activities, etc etc. She did a great job and always took photos and left my Mom with a copy of the best one of them together. The moral here - - -- she had to be told ! Talk with your sister and see if you can't carve out some time for yourself.
Also, review your Mom's finances. Spend some of it on companion time or an aide so you can have some free time. You can't help Mom if you are a mess.
Try not to resent your husband. Hopefully he does help, but our blood is ours to care for. There are threads on this forum about in-laws (nearly always the DIL) doing all the caregiving while the blood son/daughter does little.
It scares me to peel back the calendar sheets knowing I grow closer and closer to OldLadyHood myself. Three years is a long time that you've cared for her. I hope you can be good to yourself and find peace.