I feel like I was so busy taking care of their affairs that I did not grieve and I don't know what to do?

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I feel like I was so busy taking care of their affairs that I did not grieve and I don't know what to do?

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Both of my parents passed away 2 months apart. I was with my Dad from when we found out he had cancer until he died. He was on hospice at home but I was there and took care of everything. During this he showed symptoms of dementia as well as hallucinations. It will be almost a year since his death and I have been having flashbacks. Anything will set it off and other times it just comes to me. I am full of anxiety and I am so scared of death. Right after his passing I took care of his finances, selling the house, etc and then 2 months later my other parent passed away from a sudden heart attack. I have had to take care of his finances as well. I feel like I was so busy taking care of their affairs that I did not grieve then. I don't know what to do but I know I need to do something. I am irritable most of the time and just feel mad at the world.

End of Life Grief Parents

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Being busy taking care of things is one way to dull the pain of grief. I think that sending out thank you notes to those who attended the funeral was invented partly to give the bereaved a task.

So you've done all the busy stuff. What now? Are the flashbacks distressing? Can you deliberately dredge up some happy memories -- some from your caregiving days, and some from when Dad was healthy? I think it helps to focus on happy memories.

Have you considered a bereavement support group?

The feelings of anxiety, irritability, and anger might be helped by talking them over with a trained, objective third party you will not judge you. Have you considering counseling?

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I am so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I agree with jeannegibb. You need a support group or counseling to get you through this. Do that soon. (((Hugs)))

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I am so sorry you are going through this. My Dad passed a little over a year ago. I was so anxiety ridden and every night I would feel like I was having a heart attack and things just kept flashing in my mind about him. I still miss him terribly, and the only thing that got me to this point of not so anxious and able to manage, is much prayer and only the love of Jesus. Best wishes to you and I will pray for your healing to come quickly.

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Been where your at. My whole family went one year after the other, my step brother 2005, step father 2006, my sister 2007, my mother, 2008, my brother 2009 and my dad 2011. Took care of every one of them. So it takes time. And support. I had none of that, so I went to counseling, and I did have a few girlfriends that where a great help. But time can and does heal you. I remember just a song I’d hear in the radio would put me to tears. But in time I’d laugh saying that was so an so favorite tune. You need time to grieve , and everyone is different. Take your time. But get in counseling. Yuki

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Much of what you are experiencing could be me. You are not alone. I took care of my Mom in my home for 2 years, 13 years in her home before that. She was completely bedridden the last 7 months, would have frightening hallucinations at times, usually in the night. I spent many a night listening for her to call out that someone rang the doorbell at 3 am, there was someone in her room etc. It frightened me that she was all of a sudden this way. She needed insulin shots, had a catheter and many other health problems. I am still not over that and have flashbacks frequently. I had little or no help most of the time though the hospice nurses and nurses aides were good when they were here. I had to sell her home, and also was in the process of selling a family business when all this began so I was very busy taking care of things after she passed away. I felt many people, nursing homes she went to for rehab, hospitals, doctors, etc. failed me. This is why I have not sought counseling. Why would they understand what I went through? The grief counseling hospice offered were an hours drive to their meetings and they were pretty lame about offering help.They were young kids with a Master's degree and no experience as to what caregiving can entail. Any "friends" I had, some for the last 40 years, disappeared when the going got rough and came back later. No one offered to help with even little things when I went blind in one eye from a spontaneous retinal detachment during the caregiving. A knock on the door with a casserole or even a bag of McDonalds would have helped. I have anger issues towards half of the people I know. I feel no one cares or wants to help me. I hope you can find a competent person to get you through this time. Keeping busy and making plans and taking it a day at a time get me through each day. I guess with me time is the only thing that will heal. I pray a lot for better days and that I will find peace with what happened. Try to do even little things for yourself now as they add up.
I hope you find peace as well as you are a tremendous person for all you did.

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Wow, yuki, that is amazing and humbling. I have a feeling there’s more advice and sharing in there. ;) Bless you. debo, great job by you, you should be proud. You're getting great advice from many angles, I’ll just add one view... it’s a type of shell shock, we know death is out there and then you see it. It’s impacting, and bends us, but that can eventually lead somewhere good. Counseling is awesome, group or single, please don’t deny yourself that ‘indulgence’ (in case you see it that way). I think we get thrown into questioning the universe, our maker, everything... There is also literature, poetry, art, etc., perhaps return to or find something(s) that speak to you... turns out that’s what so much of it was about, processing the chaos of events and feelings. Both of my parents (divorced) are quite old and sort of flailing, it really pulls your mind into that time of life, empathetically. Today, you are alive and not there yourself yet, you can know what you know now, make more sense and process it, then be probably even more yourself than before. You can search this site for other thread related to this, too. Be well, good luck. 💐

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Contact the Hospice you were with and ask them about their Bereavement Support and if they have a group you can attend or if they can have a Social worker talk to you.
If you have a Church or other place of Worship ask if they have a Bereavement Support Group.
They truly can help.
There is no time limit on grief and how or when we should feel grief or "get over it" (cuz ya never get over it!) Just as death is personal so is grief.
As a caregiver you were probably so numbed by all that was going on that you did not take time to recognize the grief in you. Now is the time to recognize it, accept it, and let it run it's course. How ever long that takes.
I will suggest that you stay busy. Call some of the friends that stopped calling you when you did not have the time to go out for a drink or dinner or a movie. If you have time start volunteering or do something that you have always wanted to do but did not have the time.
You need to find YOU again not a caregiver not a daughter.

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My husband's hospice offered grief support for no cost for one year. It was very valuable to me, and after six months I felt ready to live again. I am so grateful that he died three weeks after his stroke and did not have to spend years in nursing home with feeding tube.

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I understand and agree that the most adequate and long term practical way to deal with the feelings and emotions you’re having from the source is therapy/counseling, more so because there might be reasons different than the obvious for you to feel the way you feel.

Yet, I believe aside from therapy the following are the key to overcome these situations:

- PRAYER, whatever your religion prayer simply heals!

- TIME, I’m convinced that there are certain things in life that only time can achieve.

- Allowing or even forcing yourself to LIVE LIFE despite pain. Meaning fill your life with small daily life things that bring distraction and enjoyment; some that you can do alone to give you some peaceful happiness such as gardening, painting (taking a paint class), cooking, or whatever brings you enjoyment; and some activities that you have to do with other people and get out of your house, like getting into a group with a particular interest such as a reading group, dancing (learning to dance!), going to those paint and wine events, meeting new people of socializing with old friends! If you don’t feel like doing it, force yourself! Sometimes we have to force ourselves to get out of our comfort zone..specially when that comfort zone is not that comfortable and opposite to that it’s filled with emotions we want to eradicate or learn to deal with better.

So, if you add these little drops of JOY to your life, and bring healing through PRAYER, TIME will surely do its part.

God bless!

Ps. YUKI, God bless you too! What a challenging life you’ve had. Yet you sound like you’ve found peace. That’s the blessing despite the darkness you’ve experienced!

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There is a free support called Grief Share. You can go on line and find one near you. It was 3 years before I finally went. It helped me organize my thinking so my emotions were not so overwhelming.
"Why art thou cast down, o my soul? Hope thou in God" was my peace.

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So, so sorry, dear one. I lost four people in my family in a year (2016) plus had to move to a new home all while dealing with a mother going through dementia. It is overwhelming and difficult. A bereavement group through your church or locally will help you enormously. Very important: exercise. Go for quiet walks, go to the gym, but move to get all that grief out of your physical body. If you live in a safe area, walk after dark and just let those overwhelming feelings out. Best wishes.

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When my mother passed and left me in the position of having to assist my dad, I went to the cemetery and confronted her. I know it sounds stupid - but it worked.

I asked her why she stopped her medicines 6 months earlier - I asked her why we were kept in the dark about dad's problems - I asked her whatever popped into my head.

I ended with, "I'll do the best I can."

And for 7-1/2 years, I did the best I could by him, helping him through the loss of his soulmate.

Maybe it will help you to do something similar. It worked for me.

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The church that handled my dad's funeral service does a wonderful service for all who passed from 10/1 through 9/30. They hold it on the Saturday after All Souls Day. Each person who passed is represented by a candle up on the altar. They read each name, ring a bell, and a representative from each family lights a candle. It is a complete funeral service with hymns and readings and sermon. I, like you, had too much to do to properly grieve at the time, and although my mom didn't pass, she fractured her hip 3 weeks after the funeral and has experienced a steep downhill slide meaning that she never returned home and is now receiving hospice care in a nursing home. That special service 10 months after dad passed was unexpectedly healing for me. I finally blessedly cried. I have a lot more healing to do as caring for mom and dad has been a complicated job for several years, but I felt that service was an important thing for me. I am not ultra religious, but it was so much more important than I realized. At the service, there were 32 lit candles putting forth a warm beautiful light. That light represented 32 lifetimes. 32 lives that touch innumerable others over many years. I reflected on the positive contributions of each and every person being honored and prayed for...and it helped. Please see if your church can do this type of thing, and let others who have not lost loved ones do the planning and the work. If you're not religious, try to find something positive that you can allow yourself to center and meditate. Then, establish a new tradition that is healing to you. You slowly built your life around their needs; now you need to slowly rebuild your life around your needs. Hope this helped.

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Many good suggestions...grief groups are so very helpful...there are books of daily readings that help, as many said it often takes time...I would also suggest that you are so strong to have handles all this...very heavy stress... do you know some ways to relieve stress? be kind to yourself...deep breathing, massage, a vacation, new sport or exercise, mantra, warm water...and do a small ceremony by yourself of writing or speaking your words of letting them go and expressing your love and need for comfort....for some closure. Nurture yourself as you would a loved one. Keep letting go and filling yourself up. You are a good person.

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You could join a grief support group. Be aware that there's never a time limit on grieving.

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Try meditation it worked for me. There are several good apps. Mainly focus on yourself breathing at least three minutes per day. You are not alone. (((Hugs)))

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I feel like I was so busy taking care of their affairs that I did not grieve and I don't know what to do?

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