I feel like it's selfish to make your adult kids be responsible for you. It's stressful on the mental health what do you think?

Hi! Are you aged 25? You sound like about 17. I’m probably not going to be much help, so brace yourself.

It may be your home, but do you own it? It you don’t, and you are 25, it’s time to move out.

If Grandma is 67, and has no serious ailments mentioned, you shouldn’t be needing to do much care for her. More information might help, or do you just resent her being there?

How is your mother ‘sucking the life out of you’? What ‘everything’ is she ‘making you do’? How are you ‘caring for mom?. Could it just as easily be that you are driving her around the bend?

What do you contribute to running the house? Do you pay rent to your parents, or a contribution to the mortgage? Do you share in housework and yard work? Do you resent being asked to do any of the work that it takes to keep the show on the road? Or do you think that just living with a 67 year old is sufficient contribution to your maintenance?

Are you serious about having medical depression, burning out, mental anguish, and suffering? Self-pity is not so far as I know on the list of mental illnesses. Have you really “been in & out of the mental health facilities”. Why did they make you leave? Perhaps you should ask again to be admitted.

This site is for people providing care. You have given no indication that you are providing any care at all. Self reliance is good to aim for.

No-one can make another adult do anything. No-one can force you to be responsible for another adult.

It can however, be expected that you provide a certain level of care for family members you live with. Or, be a sort of social contract: providing help, doing tasks, chores etc in exchange for reduced or free food & lodgings.

You have heard the saying about *putting your own oxygen on first* right?

It is necessary to care for yourself, before you grow spare resources to care for others. It sounds like there is not enough room for this at present.

Do you have a counsellor to speak to? To connect you to services & supports to help you change what is not working? To support you to set some goals for your own future, maybe some short term aims to reduce stress & improve stability.

Are you able to study, work or do volunteer work at the moment? If not, they could make good longer goals.

You are not responsible to care for your grandmother, actually no one is, except her. If she doesn't want to go into a home, that is her problem to resolve not yours.

Get out, find a job, start making a life for yourself, it is up to you to take back your power. Your 25 and have gotten nowhere in life, time to break the cycle.

You are doing this to yourself, if you need mental help, get it, there are hotlines that can be called and referrals made.

Just do something.

Dear Moonlight25. I cannot begin to imagine the uphill battle you are facing everyday. Caring for someone you hold dearly is hard enough even in the best mental health. I'm so sorry you feel alone.

Signing up for AgingCare was a brilliant step! It may seem like a small step but it does invite other people into your struggle. I also see your desperation and am concerned about your well-being. Money may prevent you from using in-home care but I'm wondering if your grandmother's friend can regularly come and visit with her in your home while you are there. This might provide a little respite for you to rest your brain. When I'm exhausted and wrung out, I have a very difficult time with perspective; everything feels like an anchor. This may also be a good time to reach out to your medical doctor; a medical office can be a terrific resource. I know it feels like you have nothing left.

This is only a wee bit of support but I hope it helps to know, you are not alone. ~ VV

Moonlight, look at it this way - until you get out of the way your grandmother won't get the care she needs. If you were disabled by a stroke, would you pick an untrained person with depression to be your primary caregiver?

What's your mother got to do with it?

You will never improve your mental health if you continue to do what your grandmother wants and not what she needs. No one wants to go into care or get paid help if they have a family member who is willing to do it. Even if that family member loses their job, friends, family, mental, emotional and physical health. They are at an age where they don't see or understand the impact they are having on you, the person caring for them.

The only way to resolve is to walk away. If that is not an option finically, find support for your grandmother so you can start to regain your independence.

Hi Moonlight25,

Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.

Depression is a serious medical condition. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts for additional support by calling the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

I'm sure more caregivers will be along shortly to provide words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there and please take care of yourself!

I would not expect or want my granddaughters to care for me… for that matter my daughter…

Tell your mom and grandmother you are done !

You do flip from Grandmom to Mom. Did your grandmother raise you? Where are her children? At 67 what health issues is she suffering from? If you give us some more details, maybe we could help more.

No, she is not being fair to you if there are options, like the BF then she should take them. She must be very aware of your problem.

Moonlight25,

The response given on this thread by MargaretMcKen is really the one you should listen to because she makes great sense.
I understand all about severe depression getting to the point of despondency. I know what it's like to basically live as a slave to the needs and demands of a vindictive and nasty elder. I also know what it's like to live in a constant state of crisis waiting for the other shoe to drop. Knowing that the elder whose home you live in can throw you out any second if they are displeased in any way. I also know what it's like to have grown up in abuse and live in abuse as an adult. You don't deserve to live like that and you don't have to.
After my divorce I came back to live with my mother who needed some help at the time. It was going to be beneficial for us both to live together. There's a long history of abuse and dysfunction with us, but she did try to make some genuine amends to me for it. We did okay for a while, but then the snideness, scapegoating, and abuse started back up. When she started with a couple of health conditions the abuse was amplified a hundred times.
I'm walking away because I will not live in abuse. No one has to. You don't have to and I think you know this. I think I've told you this before.
You say you want help. It doesn't sound like you're interested in help. What you want is for someone to rescue you. Someone to give you a place to live and support you financially, but who will also treat you like a competent adult while at the same time enabling you to live like a child with no responsibilities.
That's not going to happen. There is help available to you, but you have to be willing to help yourself as well.
Get out of grandma's house and away from her and your mother.
This is what must be done because you are way too enmeshed in their lives and their situation. Your mental health cannot improve while you remain living in her house.
I'm pretty sure you're financially dependent on grandma and your mother. That has to stop at once. Neither of them will ever have the slightest respect or treat you like an adult if they have to provide for you like a child. If you live like a child then expect to get treated like one.
If you've been in and out of mental health facilities, there is documentation of your mental illnesses and disorders. Why are you not on disability benefits?
I want to lay some truth on you and please don't take it the wrong way because I have only the best intentions at heart.
It's easier to go to work at any job then it is to keep feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in depression. Go get a job. Any job and I guarantee you wil start feeling a lot better about yourself and life.
Then look for somewhere else to live. Do you have any relatives who will let you go to their home? Not as a freeloader looking for charity. Pay your fair share to stay with them and be helpful in keeping the house running. You'll see. Your mental health will be much improved.

Depression can cause us to 'freeze' and be completely unable to make decisions. We feel hopeless and helpless and that's a terrible feeling.

Your g-mom is only 67? Even with a stroke, she is young and still has many years ahead of her. She needs to be in a place that handles people with physical/mental issues. You need to have the chance to work, travel, have friends, whatever.

Have you got ANY support? Family, friends? You will need help, one way or the other. Even living in a tiny studio apartment while you deal with your mental health issues and 'growing up' would be better than living in servitude.

I hope you can build a cadre of friends and family who will support you in your desire to grow up--and leave g-mom's care to professionals. You don't go in to finances, and chances may be that mom won't be happy with moving to a care facility (little bit of honesty, nobody WANTS to go to a NH).

But your g-mom had her life, when she was younger, you deserve the same.

Try to find a therapist who can work with you. A mild antidepressant may help lift your spirits enough so you can move forward.

This is really the 'problem' of the parent whose mother this is. Not yours.

Wishing you luck.

((Hugs))
MidKid

It's easy to get into victim mentality and stay in it. Take back your power...if you really want to that is. Do what you can and start saying no when you realise it's affecting your mental health. Take care of YOU first....that doesn't need defending in my opinion. You will then be in a better place to give of yourself to others too. You can't give to another if you are depleted and running on empty! Good luck!

PeggySue,

I left home the second I turned 18. I've been married and divorced twice.
I moved back in with my mother after my divorce because it was beneficial to us both.
I will inherit her house and this is the reason why I've helped her and have worked hard to keep her out of a nursing home because Medicaid has a five-year look back period on what becomes an exempt asset. We're coming up on that five-year anniversary. I also paid of the mortgage here when I moved in because she made bad money decisions and would have lost this place. I was still working full-time and a half. I've got time and money in this place and I'm not leaving it until I know that my investment here is secure and won't be taken up by the state.
I have lived in one-room studio apartment because it was all I could afford. I'm also twice Moonlight's age. It's a lot easier to hustle and work multiple jobs when you're 25. When you're near 50, not so easy. There's no reason why Moonlight can't get out there and hustle at such a young age. I worked since I was a teenager because I had to.
I put off marrying my second husband for two years because I would not enter into a marriage with nothing more than the clothes on my back, sister. I worked like a dog and did not spend one unnecessary penny, and built up my bank account. Then I added my husband's name to it.
I never lived off either of my husbands and never expected to.
I'm still in the consideration stage of what I'm going to do with my mother.
She can't afford live-in care and Medicaid won't pay for that, so it will probably be placement. I would see my mother placed decently.

Every person needs to make plans for their old age. Sadly, it seems like most people don’t. Or they harbor the fantasy that their kids would love to look after them, or that they are entitled to be financially supported by their kids or the government. My parents didn’t think through any of this. It was all up to me, though they did have money to pay for it. I resent that they had no regard for how it was going to detrimentally affect my life. I will not do that to my own kids.

Completely agree.

I am going to simply say that everyone needs to prepare for the inevitable.
So given what you have asked do you have your wishes down, does family know?
Now to the second part of my comment.
I am guessing that you are very young (although compared to me I think everyone is young so...)
You NEED to take care of yourself. At this pace your grandma at 67 is going to outlive you.
You HAVE to tell her that she needs to allow others to help.
Then you have to back off and let others help.
If she refuses help that is on her.
You have help come in one day and you LEAVE the house. Do not answer your phone, do not return until a predetermined time.
And by the way grandma pays for the caregivers that come in.
And I do hope that grandma is paying you for the caregiving that you are doing.

I do have to ask..you say grandma had a stroke. How much help does she need? Will she recover enough that she can manage on her own? Has she had rehab? If no would that help? If she will remain dependent there has to be another solution she could live another 20-30 years. Are you prepared to give up you entire life to care for her?

Is it your grandmother or your mom? You contradicted yourself in your post. If you can’t do it, step away. Just say NO… I can’t do it…. Period

I agree but I see the other side of the whole thing

I feel I am obligated to take care of my mom because she took care of me and my brother as kids

It's part of why I feel guilty for wanting to move out and leave my brother to care for her while I'm being independant

I will be looking for a job and starting to date soon

Sarah, your mother cared for you and your brother after she chose to give birth to you. You didn’t ask for birth or care, and as children there is no way that you could have made sensible plans for your own care. It’s good that you appreciate what she did and that you are grateful to her, but you are NOT ‘obligated’. You and your brother both need to lead your own lives, and not just prop up your mother’s life.