I have a quick question and someday soon I will update you on what has been happening.

Max,

I wrote a response under your question. Sending many hugs your way!

Safety First.

BLOCK his calls.

If you decide you want to RECEIVE his calls to ascertain the safety level required, SCREEN all his calls eg Don't ever answer. Ensure they ALL go to message. Listen to 1 or 2 to judge his intentions. Notice how you feel when you hear his voice. Use that to guide you.

If you decide you do want a two-way conversation - speak to your therapist about this: why, pros & cons, your personal safety. Also the very real danger of using you to get to your folks & potential for elder financial abuse.

Tread slowly & very very carefully.

Great advice! He always found a way to disrupt our lives, for instance calling us knowing it's Friday night when my husband and I are eating dinner and watching a movie. Never fails - he did that to everyone in his family. It's not that he's innocent about that - it's on purpose. My mom will feel sorry if she ever speaks to him - he'll torture them again. Love you - Max

Do not contact your brother and do not put your parents in contact with him and vice versa. Block the number.

Hi Everyone, hoping you are all doing ok. I have a question. I have told you about my abusive, homeless brother who just got out of a psychiatric hospital and is now living in a residence hall. He called me a few months ago, after not calling me for over 3 years. He said he would call back with a phone number - this was a few months ago. Well, he called me tonight, but I do not want to get involved with my brother, but on the other hand, I feel bad to not contact him. I still fear that he will ask for money or threaten us. I have PTSD from him and will be seeing a therapist soon. My 92 year old mom, who you all are familiar with, asked me to find out where he is. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? I know this is not a question about caregiving, but I feel close to everyone on this blog and love them dearly. Max

i hope your parents didn't meet those total strangers. please stop them from doing so. i hope your parents didn't tell them their address. it's very dangerous. the strangers could be anyone, criminals; and if they know the address, they now know 2 vulnerable, elderly people live in X.

Hothouseflower - I've been putting my foot down recently and just saying I can't and say I miss you, but I just can't do that. Your explanation helped me!

Sorry your father is not handling being 95. Growing old is not for sissies. I can understand why he’s depressed. My parents are the same age and are as well. There’s not much to be happy about when you are that old, most of your friends are either dead or very sick and you are worried about dying and outliving your money. He’s probably a candidate for an antidepressant. Maybe you can help convince him that he will feel better about life in general if he goes on one. It’s a grim situation but rose colored glasses however artificial could help his outlook.

I don't think it is normal to invite strangers to your home. It certainly is taking a risk. At the very least meeting them in a public place would be safer. I agree with your mum on that.

I am sorry about your dad's depression. His dr can prescribe meds for that which should help his quality of life.

Considering these two issues I am wondering if dad has come cognitive problems. Is he developing dementia? It wouldn't be surprising at his age. Are you in touch with his dr. Can you suggest an evaluation? It seems to me his physician needs to know about these episodes.

Good luck to you and your hub, I know it is not easy for the adult children as parents decline.

Max,

I am so sorry to hear this sad news about your father. I can relate to what you have expressed. I can understand why your dad feels as he does. I saw my mom suffering with depression.

My mom lived to be 95. She would have gladly welcomed death instead of suffering with Parkinson’s disease.

She missed my dad terribly. She buried a son. She saw many family members and friends die. Life can become extremely difficult as we age.

Your dad certainly isn’t alone in thinking this way. Many seniors suffer with depression due to living far too long. I can’t say that I blame them.

I don’t want to live that long. I suppose it’s a bit easier to cope if there aren’t any major health issues or financial problems.

Still, a person can have all the money in the world and be in good health and be terribly lonely. Most of the people they loved in their lives have died.

People are frightened of living into their late nineties and beyond. They fear many things, such as health, outliving their income, loneliness from losing their spouses, family members and friends and so on.

Again, I’m so sorry, Max. When the people we love most in this world are hurting, we hurt too.

Sending many hugs your way today.

Hi Guys, It's Maximus once again - I just found out why my mom wants to be with my husband and I so much. Right before my dad returned home from the supermarket shopping she mentioned that Dad has been miserable in general and nasty to her from the time he awakens. I said well just ask him what is bothering him and I would say I know I can be annoying by asking you to help me because I'm immobile and maybe I can be demanding at times. I was still on the phone and he said stop worrying about me while I'm out shopping - you always call me to see what's taking so long. She then asked him - is there something bothering you deep down inside? He replied - yes, I'm living too long and I want to get a gun and kill myself. So I interjected and said Dad, you can do that, but don't bring Mom down with you, which in turn she said to me I love what you said! We know Dad is getting depressed day by day. My mom told me they always discuss how wonderful their life was (not is) so why is he so depressed. I said Mom you have a son who became homeless, you went broke because you were supporting him - sure you had good times, but in reality your life didn't turn out to be what you expected. She said I know, I'm sick over it, but I don't show it. My Dad must be thinking about the past and he's taking it out, (not intentionally) on my Mom. So before we hung up I said to him Dad make sure you get your money back from the mistake with your pills and he told me in the background to F-off. I told him, joking around - lovely, just lovely!

I thought about why my Dad may want to invite people in his home - my mom actually wants to meet in a restaurant - my dad is proud of his condo and also has many pictures of his travels with my mom and alone. He was in the air force, owned a restaurant and also was an airline pilot (Captain) for an international airline for 35 years, which I don't want to reveal the name of. He never boasted about his life, but being 95 he has been having the need to. Welcome to the forum - like I said- I love everyone on it!

(1)

I meant profile to Romeo13 not password.

Hi MD1748 - Hi I'm Maximus. I had to change my password to Romeo13 due to signing in issues. Read my post to imavent41 and to all of my other friends. I'm so lucky to have found this forum.

Max,

Your mom is being unfair and certainly unreasonable with you.

You have been more than generous with her and she needs to accept that you live far away.

Some children only visit for a week during the year. Others aren’t able to go that often.

She shouldn’t try to make you feel guilty. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all. I’m sure it is annoying though because it would be nice to see your parents being happy with the way things are.

I had my daughter’s Siberian husky with me today. He’s so lovable! I love that you are having so much fun with your sweet pooch.

Hi to Imavent41 and to my friends - I'm Maximus - Yes a 63 year old female who loves her parents dearly and have a lot of guilt for not being able to visit with them as often as they think I should.

I love everyone on this site - they are the most compassionate and loving people.

My handsome Phalene-Papillon who passed away 1 year ago was named Lucius Maximus Senaca. I have a passion for ancient history. I did have difficulty signing in so I needed to use a different password.

Anyway, tonight my 92 year old mom, who lives in Florida with my 95 year old father, said to me "I don't think that's fair of you not to visit your parents next week with us being this old". I said Mom - we (my husband and I) just got home 2 weeks ago - that's impossible for us to do that. Well she was very upset getting off the phone. I just can't take this anymore. We spent 2 months with them from Thanksgiving through January and we just spent 2 weeks with them for Mother's Day. Read my blogs - I can't do this anymore. I have given every bit of myself to them from birth. I thought my mom became more understanding - I guess not!

I'm confused.
I can't find a profile for Romeo13 - or Maximus? - but some of you seem to know him. So ... what's up? I'd appreciate any info. Thanks in advance.:)

Ok....I live in a 750 home, 55 Plus community where most of us are not vulnerable. So we think. The local police came around to talk about scammers and how the can appear friendly. They then told us the reason we were getting the lecture. Apparantly a total of 1.6 million. Thats right! Was scammed from a few neighbors. And we are a community that has no beed to be bored by our sheer numbers. Can your parents make friends at the lical social service clubs? Something is amiss here.

It is as if they think Brooklyn would be a better choice to invite some random couple into their home. Why not at least try and Zoom meet a few times with this couple first? With the pandemic, many seniors have this capability.

Don't know if this is helpful, but if they are relocated to Fla, they may have found another relocated couple who will be fun to get together with and share memories of "the city." I wouldn't necessarily invite them home at first. I think meeting for coffee might be fun for them. It's not as if these folks actively sought out your parents to scam them.

Rely on your own knowledge of them concerning their mental fitness, assuming you spend some time with them. Tests by neurologists and other doctors are a useful tool, but a physician who sees them for only a short period of time is not as good a judge of their status as you are.

Good judgement would suggest meeting them in a third location. If your parents are able to live at home, get groceries, and otherwise manage their own lives, they should be able to meet someone at a coffee shop or restaurant. They probably are lonely, but it is odd to so suddenly develop a rapport with a wrong number.

Hi NeedHelp - I'll definitely post photos of him. Max

My friend just lectured me for answering the knock on my front door.. she says,"why would you even open the door? Don't you know that the screen door is not going to hold intruders from entering if you open the door?" I replied that my dog was barking up a storm, and I could not talk... What would she say to this scenario?Yes, I have more than just one friend.. I can count them on my hand.One evening, she had a knock on her door. around 9 pm . Night time. that was odd, so she went out the side of her house to greet another man scaling her fence to get into the backyard! She screamed at him, with f-bombs etc. distraction. They were going to get her to open the front while one was going into the backyard. Just think of what could have happened. She has security cameras now.

Please be careful. I hope you have a fun story to tell about how they may have known each other or have common friends or something..

I pray that this will be a happy story.

Thanks everyone for the responses - Will keep in touch soon. Busy training 1 1/2 year old Romeo. It's been a blast! Hugs and kisses back to everyone!

Sounds like that one episode from Seinfeld - the Donna Chang episode.

Where I grew up in a ruralish area a wrong number could result in a long pleasant conversation with a stranger but not a meeting up in person.

If you decide to do so ALWAYS meet in a very public place, with lots of people around, and TELL some else (like family) where and when you will be going to meet and with whom!

Does anyone remember when your doorbell rang and you ran to the door and just opened it with excitement without first seeing who it was? Those were the days! We can as a world society get back to that. It starts with me and you, and so on.....

HI Max! I'm not familiar with your backstory, but it's clear to see that those who knew you prior are so happy to hear from you!

Anyway, if this helps, what I can tell you is that even online dating sites will instruct you to "only meet the online date in a PUBLIC PLACE - and NEVER at your home." They even go even further to say that "you should not disclose your address to the person - they should not pick you up or take you home from the date." That is how seriously the online dating services take this. So, why should your parents be any different in a first meeting of a random couple?

This isn't even an issue to question. Your parents need to change the location to a restaurant! I hope they have a safe and enjoyable dinner with this new couple - keep us posted! :)

Hey Max,

Good to see you!

Never a dull moment with your parents! Hahaha 🤣 I bet they had a lot of fun when they were younger.

Trust your gut. If you’re uneasy about this situation and I can certainly see why you would be, then you did the right thing by speaking up and telling them that you aren’t in favor of this idea.

Your family has had its share of heartaches. Many of the posters on this forum have had their share of difficult times. I would hate to see your parents be in a dangerous situation. They are social butterflies, aren’t they?

Don’t be a stranger! How is Romeo? He’s not a puppy anymore! I hope you’re doing well.

So sorry that you and husband got Covid. Hope you didn’t suffer too badly from it.

Many hugs and much love sent your way.

Max!!! Hope you're doing well. Ask yourself this..would you invite perfect strangers into your home, it's not a good idea for mom&dad. ((Hugs))

Hi all - I just wanted to let you know that did ask plenty of questions, even researching the name of the person, but with no success. They have always entertained people in their homes. The neurologist said they are not mentally incapacitated in any way and my Dad is extremely mobile - my mom not so much. I know my Dad is bored with their friends right now and is looking for commonalities with other people. My mom could care less right now about that - she just wants my husband and I with her (which everyone on this blog knows about my situation). P.S. Only spent 2 weeks in Florida with husband and Romeo. It was a better visit and we were all more relieved about it. Will tell you more at another time. Will be seeing a therapist - had to cancel - husband and I contracted COVID.

Your parents may be functional but they are still vulnerable, Do they have all their legal ducks in a row, and their assets in a trust or somehow protected from *financial* predators, or from someone who will perpetrate identity theft etc.? Many times financial abuse of the elderly is a crime of opportunity. Not sure you can prevent your parents from having this play date — and I want to be optimistic about it — but I'm from Jersey and if it were my parents it'd be a hard no.