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I moved to another state to help her.


My first home was a joint application for her since she couldn’t get a place on her own. (After her divorce)


Now she has a lung disease, trying to get her in a lung transplant program. She was already dropped from one program, myself and my sister both almost lost our jobs (FMLA has been exhausted) trying to get her to her appointments. Mom doesn’t drive anymore. My sister and I don’t have support from any family members.


And to top it all off, she isn’t nice or appreciative. She says “that’s what family is suppose to do” she won’t use grocery delivery services “those are for people with no families.”


She also doesn’t pay her portion of bills, which my sister and I then have to stress about and come up with money.


At what point do I start living for myself? I’m nearing 40, no friends, no dating life. Working 2 jobs.

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So sorry to hear about your mum and you. If your mum has an income which can pay for someone to take care of her Part-Time, few hours a week, it’s a start... This is what I did when I took care of my mum. She passed in 2016, at 95 and I have no regrets for the sacrifices I have made for her. Money cannot buy what’s in store for your future when she is gone. You will be blessed in abundance and that is guaranteed. I hope this helps.

Please, if you can, DO NOT place your mother in a Nursing Home. It is NOT the answer... you do not know how long she has left and, trust me on this one, you do not want to have any regrets when she is gone. Guilt is not an easy burden to carry. Our parents did not abandon us when we were kids. We should not cast them aside in a Nursing Home. In the end it is your decision.

The Care, love and sacrifices you have made for your mum will be rewarded back to you. I do not know your situation in detail.

Sometimes we spend more time focusing on the problem rather than the solutions. It’s all in the mindset. If you approach anything as a task, it becomes a heavy burden. A different approach might help. I am not an expert at this.

In my opinion, regardless of your mothers personality and character, you have to be the better person. I believe you are a great human being and you will be rewarded. This is your mum’s Karma. What you are doing now, will be yours. I admire you for your strength and courage to assume the responsibility. It’s not an easy journey. In the end, it’ll bring you peace, much joy and an abundance of happiness.

Before you make any life changing decisions, ask yourself this, “if my mum should expire today, will I have any regrets?” If it’s yes, then do whatever you have to now so when the time comes to ask that question again, your answer will be, NO.

All the best to you and your family.
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You don't say how old she is, or if she is a candidate for Medicaid to go to a nursing home if she is unable to take care of herself...If you are not even 40 yet...you must feel like life is over- working two jobs.. yikes. You need to look into resources on this site. Good luck to you and your sister.
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YOUR FIRST PRIORITY SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. THAT IS ESSENTIAL TO SUCCESSFULLY HELP OTHERS. IF YOU PARTICIPATE IN A CHURCH OR OTHER TYPE ORGANIZATION, THEY MAY BE HELPFUL IN GIVING YOU SOMEONE TO HELP PROVIDE ASSISTANCE, WHO HAS POA [FOR HEALTH AND FINANCIAL DECISIONS]. FOR THAT YOU MAY NEED THE HELP OF A LAWYER WHO SPECIALIZES IN DEALING WITH ELDER CARE. PREPARE A LIST OF EXPENSES AND ASSETS -FOR YOUR MOTHER AS WELL AS YOURSELF -WHO PAYS YOUR MOTHER'S BILLS? YOU SHOULD NOT BE REQUIRED TO PAY THEM. MAKE A LIST OF ACTIVITIES THAT NEED TO BE DONE AND PRIORITIZE THEM; DECIDE WITH YOUR SISTER WHO WILL DO WHAT. IF OTHER FAMILY WON'T HELP. PERHAPS FRIENDS CAN. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU CAN ONLY DO WHAT YOU CAN AND DON'T STRESS YOURSELF OVER WHAT YOU CANNOT DO' IF YOU CAN, PERHAPS SEE A COUNSELOR POSSIBLY WITH YOUR SISTER OR DO IT SEPARATELY. DON'T LET YOUR MOTHER "GUILT TRIP YOU." SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
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When one reaches a point where life feels just like a burden and almost empty, it is a wake up call.

Being an only child I chose to make many changes in my life to care for my mom, including moving to another country, so talk about basically quitting who you are. I’m 46 now and have been here with her for over two years. It is the hardest thing I have done in so many ways, but if I had to make the decision again, I would do the same thing. What I get in return is a gift called peace of mind.

But what I don’t think is right on any count is that you have absolutely no life. I think (and hope I’m right) your sister and you can greatly benefit from more structure, organization and a very needed and urgent reality check. The reality check includes things like establishing if realistically you could take care of your mom after her lung transplant while keeping your jobs. It also implies asking yourselves if you can continue paying those bills she is not (she cannot, or she doesn’t have the means?) without hurting your own fianances -savings are very important and necessary; you both will also be elderly one day, savings are necessary-; a reality check also implies asking yourself if you are ok with not getting married or having kids? That is a BIG question, you need to answer to yourself.

Once one starts the caregiving journey it is so easy to get into a task oriented life (going from one task to the other) without looking at the big picture and planning for the big picture, not just the right now.

I don’t think having your own life and caring for your mom have to be necessarily two divorced objectives, specially because you at least have a sister willing to take on her part. Maybe you both have gotten to this point because you didn’t really plan things from the beginning and just started taking care of each fire that presented itself with your mom.

My best advice for you is to really think about your priorities, your non-negotiables (for example, a non negotiable could be finding a significant other or financial stability, or a career). Then, once you know what is YOUR big picture, seat down with your sister and go back to the white board, start looking at what is happening now, versus what you need to see happening in order to incorporate your big picture to the overall big picture. Consider the ‘what could happen’ as you look into the future and your mom’s needs as she gets older or sicker. Then together with your sister come up with a plan to make the necessary changes, distributing the load the best way you guys can, and also sticking to the plan as much as possible.

A tiny example of what I would do could be to order the groceries online yourself, when they get to the house just say to your mom that this helps you and your sister a great deal and that if there is anything in particular she needs the next time to let you know to include it. This is an easy way to start doing what is necessary, helpful and causes NO harm to your mom. Don’t engage in arguments with your mom, you are an adult, you made a decision that helps everybody, no reason to argue.

You May think I’m analyzing this as if it was so easy to make things happen as they are written on a piece of paper, I know it is not easy, but I think you will greatly benefit from acknowledging where you are in your life and also acknowledging where and how you need to change. Even if you cannot stick to the plan 100%, you will have a clearer perspective of the situation and that gives peace of mind. The sensation of order and having some level of control always brings some peace.

Good luck!
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saranewman22 Jan 2019
I think you gave one of the most well thought out, and well written answers I have ever read regarding caring for a parent. It almost made me cry it was so spot on. As an only child, I too, cared for my mother with severe Altzheimer's disease and two broken (repaired) hips. I went from fire to fire just trying to handle one day at a time. Then I had a major reaction to medication during a routine hospital procedure, and to make a long story short, my Mom & I both ended up in a hospital emergency room at two different hospitals on the same day at the same time. I knew then she had to go to an assisted living facility. Best decision I ever made. They cared for her in ways I could never have dreamed of. She needed professional care. I wish I would have read your beautiful advice when I was going through my journey of care giving. It would have changed almost everything. Make a plan for YOURSELF is absolutely correct. Today, I feel like I lost 9 years of the best years of my life. I wish that on nobody. Make a plan to take care of your own dreams & goals and also an elder care plan. Do not miss out of YOUR own life.
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Put your foot down and start setting boundaries. If you don't choose to do this, your current situation will continue indefinitely.

Family members are NOT obligated to put up with a self-centered narcissistic elderly parent. You are being taken advantage of.
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Your Mother is self-centered.  Unfortunately that frequently happens with age.  However, it sounds like she's been that way for a long time.  The fact that you're asking this question is in itself, very revealing - "you have reached that point."  She is wearing you and your sister out and if you don't find relief, you'll most likely grow resentful.  You are a wonderful, caring daughter - remember that and don't let anyone tell you differently!  Listen to the wisdom and advice you'll receive here, and heed it.  ((Hugs))

You know, I assume you are a "daughter," but if I'm mistaken, please forgive me.  Men are awesome caregivers too!
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Posts on here can be judgment and that is why I deleted my profile a few minutes ago, signed up and logged back in to post one last time. I can simpithiz with anyone who is single. I take care of my other 24/7 while trying to work a full time job. No girlfriend for years which is normal and I understand that. I'm deleting my profile but this time it is for good. This was a very helpful website and didn't mean any disrespect to the original poster. I hope you find some help.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2019
Your original post honestly did sound like you were being silly, telling the poster to take an hour or two off once in a while. Under NO circumstances is an hour or two off ENOUGH!!! Sometimes the written word can come across wrong, since you obviously weren't trying to be mean, after reading your subsequent posts. Don't leave on account of my comment, ok? Just brush it off as a misunderstanding and stay to get some level of support for your situation. I'm sorry that you've got SO much on your plate; TWO full time jobs and no significant other.....that's an awful lot for anyone. Best of luck.
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This isn't the first time I've seen posts in these forums that are judgmental, mean and even political. Please folks, if you honestly can't say something helpful, empathetic and kind, keep it to yourself. People seek help here because they are in pain.

Dear TheEnabler, I totally get who you are and your situation. You are terrific, and there are many wonderful people and comments on this website. Hopefully you find help and insight in them. I wish only the best of outcomes for you, your sister and mother.
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dlpandjep Jan 2019
Bless you!  Great comment!
(1)
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Taking a hour or two off when you're able to, is sound advice for any caregiver. I am on my own as a caregiver and I know taking a little time for me helps. I combine my errands if possible, but that's not possible all the time. Taking care of a loves one is hard and yes it takes a strong person which we all are. Im not trying to win a popularity contest and will answer questions when I want to. Don't need someone in telling me what to do.
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Do you have power of attorney? You will absolutely need one eventually. Tell her that "family gives power of attorney to family." If you had POA you could pay her portion of bills using her bank account and her money. You could order groceries and have them delivered. I don't know how much money she has, but you could hire a caregiver with her money to take her to the doctor etc. Power of attorney opens up so many possibilities for you. You start living your life now. If your mother has to go live somewhere else for you to have a life, then that's what needs to happen. I know this is very very hard, but your life also sounds very hard in other ways. Please express your appreciation for your sister. You could have a sister who is having a great life and leaving you to deal with this situation.
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I haven't read all the replies and I'm not going to bc I don't have the time. But it sounds like you had some of your answers to your questions before posting them.

Most cargivers have little or no help from others, no friends, no support group, no this or that etc. I do what I do bc I choose to, in my eyes its the right thing to do, it's family. And if others don't understand then that's thier problem, not mine. Years later when I look back I'll have memories of the good times

Sounds you need a break, take a hour or two off from time to time.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2019
There should be a 'Not Helpful Answer' button here.............in what universe is 'a hour or two off from time to time' a helpful suggestion? You're telling this young woman to 'pull on her big girl panties and suck it up'.......after all, it's 'the right thing to do.' I suggest you PASS on questions that you have no really helpful comments for, k? You and Mamamarsha win the booby prize today.
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Start today,take mom with you when you have no choice or drop her at a senior day care. Tell mom you have doctor appointment and take her to visit her friends or other family members for a few hours.Try to do it regularly if you can. There are caregiver respite facilities for her..investigate them. Theyll keep her overnight with highly trained staff.You're quite fortunate to have helping sister.
Try to take turns taking a break for yourselves.
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TheEnabler: I, too, had to leave my home, life, family, church family and pets to move in with my late mother into her home in another state. She left me no choice and I told her that. Your mom said "This is what family is suppose [sic] to do." Well, we tried many options for my mom's living conditions and she said "I'm so glad I stayed in my own home." Yes, but at what expense? Plenty! I did the caregiving, while almost an elder myself! So I don't advocate an elder expecting their kids to take care of them. I'm with you on that! You start living your life when YOU say YOU do. Even my own sibling said he would NOT do the caregiving duty.
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Set boundaries. Start your own life right now. Suggestions: Offer one day, or half day, per week to take your mother on errands, or do the errands yourself. Use home delivery services for groceries, medications (Walgreens offers free home delivery), and other shopping needs - many grocery stores and pharmacies have free home delivery, or low annual fee with free home delivery if the purchase is $35 or more (depends on the store), use transportation services (call-a-ride, senior transportation services, medical ride services, etc). If your mother refuses to use these services, then that is HER choice. However, you can make it clear that YOU are NOT the alternative. The alternative may be going without.
In my own situation, I have suggested all of these possibilities and my mother refuses even the free home delivery of her medications. I told her that's her choice, but my brother or someone else will have to do those errands. My brother is now doing them all. Even he refuses to take advantage of the home delivery services. I won't drive her anywhere unless someone else is in the car with us - otherwise she will make nasty, insulting, demeaning, comments to me (usually in a shrill, snide voice). I have offered, many times, to take her on errands one day a week (Friday was the best day for me due to my work schedule), but she refused to make those plans and stated "what if I don;t want to go on that day?" My response: "then someone else will have to take you".
Good luck. I know from my own experience that it is very hard to start setting boundaries and sticking to them. But, in the end, you will begin to have your own life.
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TheEnabler,

I have been where you are myself. I felt like a victim of my circumstances for a very long time. I have been the caregiver of my mother (who also does not drive and needs a transplant) and younger brother my whole life. I tried everything to avoid what I thought were my responsibilities, by indulging in food, alcohol and perfectionism. I was even tried to get them to hate me by being mean. When that didn't work I realized I had to get control of my own thoughts and feelings in order to take action and get the results that was best for everyone.

I loved my mom and brother truly did want to care for them while not being solely responsible for everything. Instead of thinking "why me" I had to start thinking "what would a loving daughter do?" This made me feel in control. What a different perspective for me!

While the decisions and actions moving forward were difficult for me it was necessary for everyone. I had to get control over my thoughts and feelings before any changes could happen.

After a long road, my mother now lives with my older brother. He cares for her house and gets a reduced rent. I still care for her medical needs, navigation and fill her pill box each week. She has a caregiver through the state for 6 hours a week. The caregiver gets her to most of her medical appointments and I fill in the rest. My younger brother eventually had to be placed in a state facility.

While this situation is not always perfect, it is healthier than ever. I still struggle with enabling but I consider myself in recovery! :)

I would start by asking yourself why you haven't changed the situation yet? What is holding you back from moving your mom into her own subsided place? What feelings are holding you back? Deal with those and the rest will open up for you. What boundaries are you going to have to put in place? What are you willing and able to do, not what does she want you to do. I have found that Ill parents often need clear boundaries!

Good luck!
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Right now is a perfect time to start.

No grocery delivery, no groceries.

She has selfishly taken some of the most important years of your life. Enough already.

You know she will pitch a fit, that's how she has manipulated you and your sister. She expects you to care more about her then she does and it is not possible.

You say she has already been taken off one donor list. Why? Is it because they see she won't make good use of the gift?

You have been put in a horrible position by her and it is up to you to put a stop to it. Tell her no more, if she is ill there are transportation programs that she can apply for, she will qualify for aid because of her condition. Right now things are to good for her to be willing to change anything, you and sis will have to play hard ball and make her step up to her life and do what needs to be done.

Prepare yourself to be guilted, shamed, verbally abused, insulted and who knows what else levels she will stoop too, to keep you as her personal servant. It will hurt but not nearly as much as waking up one day to find she has devoured your entire life. A loving mom doesn't want her children to give up their lives to cater to her.

You can do this, it will be hard but you can do it!

Hugs and may God grant you the strength to break this cycle of abuse.
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bettina Jan 2019
Great advice! Wish I'd done this myself. Now I'm stuck going to Dr's
as a kind of hobby. All those years of demands, extremely selfish behavior
and drama, drama, drama, wore me down to a nub. The actual caregiving,
although at times very demanding, was a breeze in comparison to the abuse
and mind games. But I was so consumed with managing the endless crisis, some real, some manufactured, that I didn't notice the heavy toll the mind
games and abuse were taking on me.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They are our best allies.
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Hi, Enabler. I just wanted to add to my original suggestion about boundaries (that I hope didn't sound too harsh) that what you've done for your mother sounds very loving and caring, and that she is lucky to have you. BUT, yes, time to set boundaries!

Just to clarify, you sound like a great person with a lot to offer. Almost 40? No worries, that isn't old at all! Best wishes to you.
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When I read stuff like this it make me angry, at you, not your mother. I am probably your mother's age and in complete control of my faculties. When I raised my children, all 5, I was never selfish, they always came first. However, they were not spoiled. I changed their diapers frequently, I played with them, I coached them, got them to their games on time, and went to every game. I was fortunate to have my mom for 97 1/2 years. In her last 2 1/2 months of life I was with her 24/7. I slept with her, I fed her, I bathed her. I would give anything to have her back and do it for another 20 years.
Now I do not mean to put you down to much, but some people are just born "caregivers" and have compassion, others are not.
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meness Jan 2019
Of course she doesn't have children. She has been taking care of her mom since she was 30 and doesn't date. Also, taking care of someone who is 95 24/7 is a hell of a lot different than taking on care for someone who is in their 50s and won't do what she can to take care of herself. Don't be so judgy.
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Grocery delivery services are also for hard-pressed workers who don't have time to run their mothers' errands, you know. I should feel free to use them if I were you.

Except that's a side issue really, isn't it.

Ten years ago, your mother divorced (whose idea was that?) and you and your sister made yourself jointly responsible for her welfare going forward.

Why? Not so much, why did you and your sister want to help your newly-divorced mother; more, why was your mother happy to surrender this responsibility to young women in their twenties?

Who is your mother living with now, you or your sister (or both of you, I suppose)?
How old is your mother?
What is her prognosis a) with or b) without a lung transplant?
How were things before the divorce? - did you girls get away to college, start careers, usual things?
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Perhaps you are finding yourself at a crossroad in your life. The questions that you should ask yourself is, if I am I my death bed looking over my life, what would be my regrets; what would I be proud of, and is there anything I would do differently? Now, I realize our regets are most of the time things we don't see until it is to late! However, there are the few things in life we know if I don't have or do xyz I will reget it. So, what is important to you? Having family, traveling, or just knowing you took care of mom in her time of need? What price are you willing to pay to take care of mom? No one can tell you that today is the day you take back your life, nor can someone tell you that you can take back your life in a year and a half. But I will tell you this, if you are and have been giving everything to your mom's care, and you have nothing for yourself such as, a partner, your own family, or whatever it is for you the price you are paying is to high!

In my own life, I have come to realize that I am out of balance that I am putting everybody and everything before me. Well, not anymore! I am in the process of moving things around and changing somethings like taking a few hours out to write. I have told everybody between these hrs leave me alone, you better be dying to bother me! I think you get my point! Find what is important to you and make a decision! Yes, this is easier said than done!

Good luck!
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When you learn how to say "NO" and mean it. Though I struggle with this myself I know how hard it can be, so do as I say, not as I do.

ONLINE shopping/delivery etc. is a GODSEND!
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The answer is never, as long as you keep putting yourself last. Some parents
are selfish, entitled and exploitative. They will think nothing of draining EVERY
resource from their own children, while bad mouthing them and complaining
to all who will listen. This of course is to cover their tracks when their adult
child wakes up to the con. It is a con. Plain and simple. You have to discern
what is necessary and what is not. And what you are willing and able to do
while still living your own life.

The harsh truth is that narcissistic entitled people will think nothing of literally
killing you by exhaustion or leaving you penniless by their incessant demands.
They will continue to play the victim to your "selfishness and failures", both
during your life and after. This is the deal. Do you accept?
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bettina Jan 2019
Just wanted to clarify, what I meant by con. Adult children of narcissists often are plagued by wanting to "get it right" to achieve that mythical state of having a happy, healthy, harmonious, and even loving relationship with their parent. Narc parents are well aware of this and exploit this very natural desire on the part of their adult children to avail themselves to money, services, status, etc . (being waited on hand and foot by adult children is the ultimate status for many Narc parents-- they in turn lord this over those parents who are less fortunate)

By complaining, playing victim, gaslighting, slandering, etc. they expertly keep their adult children on a never ending hamster wheel of effort. Threatening to withdraw whatever scraps of parental love that they are judiciously drip feeding their hapless children, keeps them at their Quixotic efforts for years, even decades.


I've even overheard some narcissistic seniors laugh and gloat over their adult children straining and sacrificing to please them. Many are kind and charming to strangers. Even quite loving. The pain caused to the adult child acting as their parents personal servant is excruciating as they are often given only the mere glimpse of parental love and most often ridicule and disappointment or contempt and even outright abuse for their efforts. It's the ultimate con in a way and a very nasty one.

You can help a demanding narcissistic parent, but first make sure you know exactly where they end and you begin. And also that you have people in your life that appreciate and cherish you. If you don't, begin with yourself. It's the only way to step off that hamster wheel of unrelenting (and often unnecessary) demands and begin to live your life. Good luck!!!!
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The answer to that is "10 years ago".

NOBODY should be living their life for someone else. You parents are not stupid, they are kind of crafty and manipulative.

Sounds like they need to be living in an ALF or SNF---and you can "help out" as you choose fit to do. (Personally, I wouldn't visit more than twice a week--and spell out the other days with other sibs/willing family).

If/When she has the lung transplant--having gone through a liver transplant with DH--I can tell you it was a 4 months of hell--24/7 care, no "help" really, all my kids HAD kids, and he was so immunosuppressed--he couldn't be around anyone.

You WILL have to quit working to take care of her at home if she's still living there.

I laughed at the comment that grocery delivery is for people with no families---My daughters with kiddoes at home all use online shop/delivery. They LOVE it.

Sounds like it's past time for mom and dad to face reality and move to a better environment. You won'e be abandoning them--you'll be enabling them to have a better QOL.

But--they won't see it that way--so good luck!
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"At what point do I start living for myself?"

When you decide to set boundaries. No one else can do that for you.
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SusanW56 Jan 2019
What SnoopyLove says sounds harsh but she is 100% right!

If you are not even 40 yet and been taking care of her for 10 years already!!?? It sounds like it’s time for all 3 of you (you, sis, & mom) to up those big-girl-panties and work together at finding a new place for mom. She can get assistance thru SSI and Medicaid, and you can still be around to take her to appointments, shopping, or just visiting.

Boundaries are are a good thing!! ... and I need to take my own advice 🙋‍♀️
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I would check with low income housing, assisted living, nursing home, HUD, Section 8 options.
Too bad if she doesn't like it that's what she can afford.
You can still assist her in some ways example: shopping when YOU go shopping. (BTW my friend does this for me cuz she goes to stores I don't like Costco).
I had to do this with my brother, no not easy but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Blessings
hgn
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