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I have power of attorney for my mother, she is 90. My sister says I should be providing a ledger of how my mothers social security money is spent to her(my sister). My mother lives with me. I take full care of her.
Meals, showers, trips to doctors, medicine provided, vacation trips. I have been doing this for 4 years now. My sister moved to another state and has never participated in care of my mother. Does she have any say in how my mothers money is spent? All of it is spent on my mothers needs and the preservation of the household. Am I doing anything wrong?

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You have to account for it to Social Security, don't you? I know I do, annually. Tell her that Social Security has a documented report, and you have no legal obligations to your sister. Bless you for caring for your mom! Sissy live near a lake?
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I take care of my mother also. Have been for years, I am not aware of having to document anything for social security as to where the money is going.
Also, regarding your sister - you have no obligation but in the interest of family harmony - what would it hurt?
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I have been told it is best to keep receipts for everything and document all spending. If your Mom goes into a home and her cash runs out, they will look back at how her money was spent in the last 3 or more years. If you don't have records, they can come after you for the unaccounted spending, to help pay for her care. Also. it is good to keep the peace with your sister. She could turn on you and make you pay back her half when Mom is gone, if you can't show her how the money was spent.
I have 6 siblings and was left to care for Mom on my own, and do all the bill paying etc. I'm hoping no one comes after me when all is said and done! Good luck.
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It really iritates me when a sibling who doesn't provide any care for a parent has something to complaine about . After all you're putting you're own life on hold to care for her.If you were to put her in a home it would be much more expensive and would probably deplete her income. Why should she receive anything you're providing the care.We didn't have to document anything to social security.Good luck.
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Wow. It seems like siblings should be grateful to their brother or sister who are taking care of the elderly relative. But, people get weird when it comes to money.
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I am one of 6 siblings. One of my brothers became a self appointed caregiver for my mom without our knowledge. Mother is in a state that she no longer remembers what she has signed. Apparently he has full control of everything and refuses to inform us of her financial or health situation. We feel this is our right but now have to go through the legal system to be a part of her care.
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You are under no obligation to report to your sister. I would tell her that it is really a hassle to do paperwork twice. Ask her if she would like the job.
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Cheryl, you should definitely be informed about your mother's health. No question about that.
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Funny how family is nowhere to be found when you need them, but suddenly become available when it's time to divvy up!
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Exactly, deefer. That's true in the case of my sister. Well, to be fair, it fortunately has not come time to divvy up. But, she has not ever given me a break here.
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...or before it's time to divvy up, in our case... Leaches are crawling out of the woodwork, so to speak. Didn't help much before now.
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If mom only knew what people really thought of her... O, it's not a pretty thought. Best focus on something more positive. There is life beyond demented and greedy people. I don't want to be swallowed up in the vortex of anger and discouragement.
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I should clarify. One time my sister gave me a break of either one day or overnight. I can't remember. She was here for Christmas and this was in 2006.
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tell her to go pee up a rope.

lovbob
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It's comforting to know there are many "families" out there that one sibling is left to physically and emotionally take care of everything--yet the other family members want to be "informed and kept up to date" without any inconvenience to their lives. I am grateful I am able to do what I can for my mother, but wish I had some emotional support from my five sisters.
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We didn't just start asking for information now. We have been asking for 3 years and long before mother needed assistance. Now he is telling everyone he was forced to take care of her because he was the only one who lived by her. In all that time he never once asked anyone to help and for 2 years has refused my offer to take over. To further keep us out of her life he turns her telephone volume to zero and has answering machine to pick up after 3 rings. Not to mention he has had all her mail forwarded to his home so she has no contact with the outside world. We have all kept in contact with her over the years and didn't just crawl out of the woodwork. We were just too trusting too long.
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Wow! now I know what they mean by "money is the root of all evil." I too have a sib who is completely absent from caregiving (or even visiting). I take care of EVERYTHING and would love to have sibs that take an interest or would want to take over for me once and awhile. oh well....
I think that it would be a burden for you to sit down and write out every cent you spend on your mother and have to account to the missing sister. Not to mention that you are not being compensated for all those little "misc." errands, doc visits, etc. Those things add up, and if you had to hire a caregiver to do it, your mom could not afford it.
However, there is nothing to be gained by being "snarky" to the sis. But, tell her you will make a trade: You will give her a quarterly accounting, if she comes to take over for you one week, three times a year. Then she can see up close and personal how much fun it is and how she is adding to your stress.
Geeeez....isn't this just adding insult to injury????
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Cheryl001 - this almost sounds abusive - cutting her off from the outside world? I think you should contact social services or the department of aging and get someone to look into this.
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I'm still waiting for Mom's long term care to start paying for her in home helper. I'm with her 24/7 with an aid for 16 hours a week to help me out at dinner and bedtime. Mom pays me room and board as my siblings asked me to quit my job to care for her 2 years ago. I get to keep about 1/3 of that after paying the aid and for Mom's food. It's not paying the bills anymore. So I finally grew some ba!!s and told my sister, the POA, that the rest of them, all 6 siblings are going to have to pay the aid until Mom's insurance takes over. I didn't get an answer from her yet. We'll see what kind of dirt I stir up with that! I practically have to beg one of them to watch her for a couple hours on the weekend so my husband and I can grocery shop or take a walk. So they can damn well start paying for her care!
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I simply find it amazing that the relatives that don't do a THING to help out always have their hand out and can dole out their 'best advice' but yet....never do a thing....I feel for you!
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You're doing everything right. My father is 86 and he has been with me for two years. We who care for the super-elderly know how tough the work is, and even more so as years go by. You be strong--you are strong.

Now, about your finances. It's generally a good idea to keep track of things. I don't know if you have a husband, accountant or friend to help keep track. It's not required by anyone to keep track, but of course for whatever financial situations that may occur -- it would be good to have all the paperwork sorted. For example, claiming her as a dependent, filing taxes on other IRA income she may have, consideration for Medicaid, etc. So why not take some steps to set things up. A simple first step is to ask for and keep all receipts and toss them in a box. Put all her charges on a credit card that nothing else is charged to.

About your sis, and I have a brother (who's kinda similar), nah YOU don't need to show her anything. Tell her you put everything in a shoebox and she's welcome to visit for a week every couple months and when visiting she can help you sort it out! Or does she have an accountant that she will pay for who you can send all the paperwork to? This should get the point across to her. I'll bet that she's the older sister and you're younger (it's like that with my brother), they just can't help trying to be "boss."

Ninety, huh. Yah -- you've doing it all right.
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Cheryl 101 - I don't know the situation, but I do want to offer a third-party perspective. Forwarding the mail - and JUNK mail - is often a great thing. My dad's elderly wife started writing checks to all the solicitations for charities. Turning off the phone is also a good idea, telemarketers WILL prey on the elderly. But it's good to get the reminder voicemail from the doc about an upcoming appointment. Walk-the-walk and pay her an overnight visit. Then update us. Here to help if we can.
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She is the younger "carefree" sister.
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you should talk to an attorney - just to protect yourself - You shouldn't HAVE to document ANYTHING if it is being spent to take care of your Mom. If she is living with you - I'm pretty sure you could be charging her room & board- You'd have to claim it on your taxes but it is justified. Your sister sounds like she is gonna be trouble no matter what you do - Gotta love that - no help whatsoever but counting your mother's money- what a joke of a daughter - she should be telling you to not worry about what you have to spend while YOU take care of Mom. I would strongly urge you to talk to someone in the know - Your sister is going to be looking for every penny when your Mom is gone and it will save you in hurt feelings later on. Hang in there - you are an angel for doing what you are doing - Perhaps you should ASK your sister to take some of your load - even if she can't - you aren't giving her the option and it might scare her a little into reality. Hire someone to give you respite if you can - from your MOTHER's money!
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It would be in YOUR best interest to keep track of what's going on with your moms money, be it social security or otherwise. I don't think you have to show your sister anything yet, but just in case ,God forbid something happens to your mom, you will have all your ducks in order.

One never really knows what people will do behind money, it causes all kinds of problems after the loved one is gone.

Just keep a ledger for yourself so that after all is said and done, you can show proof of what was done with your moms money.

You're special to take care of your mom. That deadbeat sister of yours is just trying to throw you for a loop. Ignore her and heek taking good care of mom.
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My two deadbeat sisters, the same two who perpetrated financial abuse that caused county to sue for conservatorship, filed complaint against me and had me investigated. Not for financial misconduct, but because I was demanding that one of the thieves pay back the money she stole. Turns out I had NO rights to do this, and in fact, they had equal rights as daughters to challenge anything I did, but I have no rights to challenge anything they did, or in this case did NOT do. Life is unfair sometimes.
The county has to account for the money every year, then every two years. The first year, I kept all receipts and spent a few thousand hiring bookkeeping help to enter everything into Excel. I handed over the files and the Excel document, and they didn't even use it to generate the report. They went with the % spending estimates we initially came up with years ago.

So now I just stuff all receipts into monthly folders. They can hire their own bookkeeping staff to do it. In a way, the public guardian's managing of the funds is the OFFICIAL account of how mom's money is spent, even if it is a fairy tale.
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Yea, isn't all of their involvement a fairy tale? Thanks a lot, sisters!
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I have 9 brothers & sisters all but 2 within 10 miles of my house. My mother has been living with me for a little over a year and I can count on 2 hands how many times they have come to visit her. As for the money, I don't think you owe her any explantation, if your Mom had to be in a home her money would all be gone. Hard to believe how brothers & sisters can turn a blind eye to a parents pain.
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Tell her to go and price out nursing homes. I think she will find out that she owes you money.
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Iam rep on my moms social security. i do have report what i spend her money on. i also have power of attoreny and ex of will. i do not have to tell anyone family wise what i do with moms money. only the government.
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