My husband and I are caring for my 85 year old father with dementia. We have moved to his home in order to not confuse his environment, and to make him more comfortable. His dementia has progressed to the point of him being confused in his own home and trying to go home, forgetting we are living with him and thinking we are just visiting, trying to get in his car and go somewhere, accusing me of locking him out of his car or out of the house and multiple other things dementia related. However, the one that is most difficult for me right now is him asking about my deceased mom almost daily instead of just every so often. I used to be able to just say, “She’s not here right now,” or something similar or redirect him. This is no longer working, and just recently, he is convinced she is a nursing home. He has started asking “what nursing home is your mom in? What’s the phone number, when are we going to see her? Or did you stop by and check on your mom? Do you know how she is doing?” I know I we are to be reminding him of her death, but I no longer know what to do.
"Mom is no longer in a nursing home. She went to heaven. She was a great Mom and wife. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD EAT FOR LUNCH TODAY?"
"Mom is no longer in a nursing home. She is in heaven. IT IS STARTING TO GET COLD OUTSIDE. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE NEED TO DO WITH THE LEAVES AND PINE CONES?"
The caps above is important to redirect.
"Mom is not here now. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?"
"Mom is out of town now. TOMORROW IS SUNDAY. WE CAN GO TO THE PARK. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO AT THE PARK?
All three responses are fine. The key part is the redirection. Respond brief and matter of fact and redirect with an open ended question.
My DIL said her GM would ask where her husband was in a demanding voice. "Where is husband?!"
She would call him by his first name.
DIL would say, "GP died GM". then in just a second GM would angrily reply, "Well no one told me!!"
"I'm so sorry GM. I should have told you." Then next breath, "Are you ready to have your bath?" She was never ready to have the bath so she would go back to her program and no more was said about GP until the next time GM missed him.
I would have taken DH Aunt to the cemetery, but she never cared to go to the cemetery before she had dementia, so I didn't bring it up. Typing this now I am thinking she might have tolerated going to the cemetery after dementia better. I noticed it seemed to give her a buffer against things that had at one time been upsetting.
And truly you can just say the same thing each time and dad probably won't remember. You just say it matter-of-factly and move on. They take a lot of their cues on how to feel about something from us.
When she'd demand to see or speak with her mother, I'd come up with various reasons why her mama wasn't available. One day, as the demands were becoming constant, I said "grandma is in Florida now because it's too cold for her here in Colorado." Mom looked right at me and screeched, "YOU'RE FULL OF CHIT!!!" Yeah, so that was that. I told her her mama had died decades earlier, and she said, "oh yeah? Ok." And that was the end of the big "meltdown" I felt sure she'd have. I spent a very long time drumming up stories for nothing!
My mother was a very odd duck though, that should be mentioned 🙄
If you think dad will freak out to know mom died, keep coming up with stories.
If you think he'll be ok, tell him the truth, which he'll likely forget ANYWAY within 10 minutes. Then he'll ask you again.
It's a lose-lose situation with dementia no matter what we do or say. Don't sweat it too hard, like I did, that's my advice.
My condolences on the loss of your mom and on this nightmare with dad. One day at a time.
I would also see to it that your father is assessed for medications to help him with the anxiety of his acute loss of mentation now. Speak with his doc.
I am so sorry. You are facing the grief of loss of mom and your father is here, and yet not here. This has to be a real crucible. I am so sorry.