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My grandmother is nearly 99 and is in a nursing home in another state. My dad has POA for her and has handled all her bills for her for at least 2 yrs. Before that he semi lived with her, cooking and taking her to appointments. He is now terminally ill and in a nursing home. He will be going to hospice, soon. He has end stage liver disease and his organs are shutting down. He can’t handle his mother’s affairs anymore. There is no secondary POA but the obvious person to take over is my uncle (in yet another state). He is already named as secondary executor of her will if my father passes first.
I have to video chat with my grandmother to try to convey just how serious my father’s condition is. I know dad has called her and told her he won’t be getting better-he had to be blunt because she kept saying she hoped he would get better. She doesn’t want to believe it because he’s the son who actually would call and visit. He’s also her baby. He has months to live. I don’t want to lie to my grandmother and would never, but I’m nervous about having to have this conversation with her. It’s awful. Have any of you had to do this and do you have any advice? I’ve tried calling her but she is so deaf she didn’t know it was me. She kept asking for my dad to call her because she is so worried😭

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What a terrible task to have on your hands, I'm very sorry to read about it.

I should start as you mean to go on. You will, and I assume you will want to as well, be taking over your father's role in your grandmother's life, and I'm sure you will do your best with it. It's important to realise, though, that there are limits to what you can accomplish and not to wring your heart over not being able to replace him.

With tomorrow specifically, how much does your grandmother *need* to understand? I agree that you shouldn't lie to her, but you don't either have to burden her with more than she can handle. Begin with focusing on her, ask about her and how she's doing. You're calling her because you want to talk to her, not for any other primary purpose. Make that true, before you connect.

She will ask about your father, no doubt. You shouldn't need to lie. Tell her he is very unwell, and that his doctors warn that he will probably not be able to recover. That he isn't well enough to call but wants her to know he is thinking of her. That your uncle and you, between you, will be there for her.

Her son is dying. Don't disrespect her by trying to shield her from all grief, but don't keep shoving it in her face, either.
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LAnn123 Feb 2021
She does need to know because she needs to change POA. I can’t take on that responsibility because I am already POA for my dad and will have to pay his bills, handle his healthcare, take care of his estate when he passes. I’m an only child and my parents are divorced so it all falls on me. I live 5.5 hrs away and have a family of my own that need me, too.
my Uncle is willing to take on the responsibility but my grandmother has said she won’t sign anything until she’s talked to my dad. They have spoken at least once about his situation and I hope my call will help, too. Although I am not authorized to do anything with my grandmother’s estate or finances I care about her and cat help but take on the additional stress. Sigh.
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I wouldn't keep trying to convince her that your dad is dying, if she hasn't got any cognitive decline she heard it the first time and chooses to hope for a miracle, if she is beginning to lose her grasp of reality then she can't be expected to process this in a meaningful way. Be factual, tell her that dad is too ill to talk to her, then reassure her that you (or whoever) are going to continue to look out for her and she won't be forgotten and that you will keep her updated.
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She needs to change her POA because your father can no longer act for her.

Okay. One consoling thought (in a way) is that many, many people never get round to creating a power of attorney at all, and yet their affairs still do get managed. POA makes it tidier and easier, that's all. So if it should turn out that your grandmother just isn't up to this nothing terrible will happen; and so it's worth attempting but not worth hurting anyone for.

How far have you got with the paperwork? If that can be got ready, and then maybe your father could write a brief explanatory note to go with it, and someone at her residence could support your grandmother with reading the material in her own time, she may be better able to manage it.

You can see why she would want him to confirm that this is what she ought to do. Does he not have any "better days" when he could call her?
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If I was in this position and due to her age and hearing loss I would stir the conversation in a positive direction. “She is being well cared for, dad will call when he is feeling better and Uncle John and I will keep you posted.” Steer the conversation by asking her what she had for dinner, grandkid’s accomplishments, when you will call again so she has a different focus. Her time is limited and there is nothing she can do to change the situation. Keep your calls as upbeat as you can. I learned this from others. Hope it helps you.
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LAnn, how did the phone call go?

Are you doing okay? You have some big things going on and it is important that you rest and eat well during this difficult time.

Great big warm hug!
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LAnn123 Mar 2021
thank you for your kind words. I'm still stressing out over the situation. I think I'm going to write some information down so she has everything she needs to make a decision. I got to visit my grandmother a few weeks ago-with glass between us. She couldn't hear me on the phone we had to talk to.
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I’m reading through some of this but didn’t get to it all. As I’m understanding things your 99 year old grandma may or may not even be deemed able to appoint a POA, does your dad have DPOA and is that in effect? Unless you have inside help from someone at her NH and or a family attorney actually making your uncle may be a mute point anyway.

However, if he’s still capable your dad can probably set things up so that barring any big changes (unlikely at 99) his brother maybe even with your help can take care of all the things that need to be done. He can give authorization to the nursing home for one or both of you to make decisions and get information, he can even make one of you the contact person, he can give you both HIPPA clearance with all of her doctors as well as make sure you have that on file with the NH and local hospital, he can give one or both of you full access to all of her accounts and a list of all the bills that need to be covered. In fact it might be really beneficial for your dad to sit down and make a list, get this all done perhaps with one of you if possible and set his mind at ease about what happens to mom once he’s gone and even take that burden off of him now. As for your grandmother your dad has already told her what’s going to happen, wether it be hearing or simply what she can or can’t digest now I wouldn’t keep hammering that in if her brain is still adjusting to the idea, she knows he’s very ill and that’s enough unless she wants to talk about the known outcome. You can accomplish the same things by approaching it as helping your dad rather than preparing for his death. It might be much easier for her to accept and want to help him rather than take time to prepare for her care when he passes. People can have multiple POA, all three of us (her children) are POA for my mom, yes that isn’t always a great idea when siblings can’t agree or get along but it works well for us and enables us to share in the responsibilities and it seems like adding your uncle so he can take the burden off your dad “for now” might be less scary to your grandmother. She can help her son rather than prepare her affairs for his death and this way she isn’t cutting out the person she trusts most and if she needs to feel like he’s still in charge and running everything by managing what others are doing so be it, it will help her feel more comfortable when he is no longer “managing” her care. I wouldn’t lie when she asks for updates on his condition but I wouldn’t keep driving home the fact that he will likely pass before her and something you and your uncle could both do is make those phone calls to her, keep in contact as often as your dad has been up until now.

Im so sorry your family is going through this, sending you all the love and strength I can muster.
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LAnn123 Mar 2021
as far as I know, my grandmother is competent. That's what the staff at the ALF say. She knows, me and other family members, etc. She just can't hear much at all so talking is nearly impossible.
My understanding is that my father cannot give access to her accounts to anyone who is not authorized to do so. She has many accounts, cds, etc that need to be managed.
I've spoken to several attorneys and they all say my grandmother, if competent, must appoint her own POA.
I'm going to contact the attorney who drew up the current POA for advice but he was rather useless when I called him first.
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Omg, I'm sure I'm feeling like so many that that it is a heartbreaking situation for all, and although we all feel we have problems to cope with, then something like this makes us realize how things could be so much worse. I am so sorry you are in this position, but your sound very wise and capable and compassionate. How would (just wondering) it work if you were with Dad when you have your video call? YOu wouldn't be alone, they would be able to see each other...She already seems to know the worst of it, and I know it is heartbreaking to endure the loss of one's own child. You never expect to have to endure that...One of my grandparents had to endure that...and yet she survived. You don't get to be that age without being tough. She's probably way stronger than you realize, and with such a loving family she will survive as well. At some point I would want to explain how complicated it can get with the POA being out of state, and her possibly needing to add someone on....maybe you? How's her vision? Wondering if a Captel type phone might help in the future. Often people struggle more hearing female vs male voices. take good care and let us know how it goes.
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Make sure that a staff member is with her during the video chat in case she doesn't understand something you say. Let g'ma kind of take the lead on the phone call and ask what she wants to ask. At that point you can answer some as kindly as possible.

You might start off with I'm calling because dad is sick. More sick than the last time she talked to him. Then see what she asks about. If she is still asking for him to call her, let her know it's not possible (if he can't). If there is a way for him to video chat the same way with her baby boy, I say arrange it as soon as possible. If he cannot do a conversation, then just let her know he is now sleeping all the time and not talking to anyone.

If you can get a POA document sent to the facility, and g'ma is still aware of decision making, perhaps you can ask her if she will sign the paper so that Uncle XX can do the things that your dad was doing. If not Uncle XX, then who would she like to take care of her business. The facility staff person could help her fill in the document and maybe even have a notary on hand to help. If not a notary,a couple of witnesses.

I'm sorry you have to deal with trying to explain things to g'ma. Blessings to your entire family at this difficult time.
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Don't tell her...there's nothing anyone can do...been there...done that....does she really have to know at 99?
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The conversation starts with Hi Grandma. Love you. Dad sends his love but is not able to talk now. He is very sick and no longer able to be your POA. I am handling Dad's business for him.
Do you want Uncle to be your POA? IF she has not been diagnosed with ALZ or dementia - and if she agrees - notify the nursing home that Dad will no longer be POA. Then get an attorney to draw up new POA or have Uncle's lawyer draw up POA . Nursing home probably has someone to handle legal signings anyway (notary) - so they can take papers to her.
Anyone can resign as POA. If she has dementia - Uncle will have to get guardianship. Your Dad writes letter resigning. Uncle is 2nd executor anyway - so it just means a trip to court.
If she cant understand - just have Uncle handle things and remind her that Dad is no longer able so Uncle is now doing.
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LAnn123 Mar 2021
I like how you worded the possible letter. Unfortunately, things with my uncle have broken down. He sent a POA and she didn't sign it. She had stated that she'd sign one if it was the same in substance as the current one. I guess the one he provided was different. Notary said the gift amendment was different than any they'd seen before. There were many emails between him and the ALF and myself. My uncle has a terrible relationship with my father and has no relationship with me, so he doesn't think much of me either. He's basically told me and dad and the nursing home to figure it out on our own.
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