I have tried everything!

take her for a drive to some place she may recognize . dementia care is hell on earth . learning to distract and redirect is a crucial skill .

still , nothing makes it easy .

I think quite honestly that there may not be anything you can do. You certainly have tried absolutely everything I can personally think of including trying to come up with medications; then there is the problem that if that is helped and she falls due to medication you have not come far.
Continue your search for placement. She needs this now. YOU need this now. She may be engaged with new things in her life; you cannot tell. I think there will be more socialization and I have seen friendships form even in the severely demented that have helped redirect their minds. At home there is really nowhere to go with it.
So sorry. This has to be so hard on you and enough to make you tear your hair.

You are not going to break this cycle and you are going to drive yourself crazy thinking you can.
Tell her that she is safe, you love her, hold her hand.
Most of the time when people with dementia say they "want to go home" it is not a place but a time when they were well and felt safe.
So making her feel safe is one of the first things you can try to do.
Yelling will only increase her agitation (and yours and that will increase hers more..see how this cycle is never ending)
Turn on lights, change to LED lights they are brighter. Close blinds so there are no reflections. If she likes music play some she likes that might calm her or at least distract her. If she can get her busy with a task, folding towels, sorting socks, stacking blocks. Anything that will keep her occupied.
If you are getting dinner ready about that time can she help in any way?

If worse comes to worse and you can not take it walk out of the room, wear head phones yourself anything to keep you from getting caught up in her cycle.

i would also try getting her input on many things . a loss of significance and control is detrimental to elders too .

i know a little of what im talking about . i saw two elders thru to death from dementia and at no time did i ever make a decision for them . i was there to make sure their decisions were respected by others .

Good idea find a facility for her, you cannot break her cycle, and she is no longer able to make sound decisions for her well-being.

Try these tips:
What It Means When a Person with Dementia Says "I Want to Go Home"

If you are the family caregiver for a senior with Alzheimer’s disease, a phrase you’ve likely heard them say is “I want to go home.” In most cases the older adult is already home, but home is an environment that no longer looks familiar to them. While it might be that memory loss is causing them not to remember their surroundings, the phrase might also mean something else.
Communicating with a Loved One Who Has Dementia
Adults with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia often lose some or all of their verbal communications skills fairly early in the disease process. This makes it hard for their loved ones to understand what is wrong or what the senior is trying to say.  
Sometimes a person with dementia is searching for home because of unmet needs or because they are feeling isolated and alone. Here’s what they might really mean:
Undiagnosed pain: Is the senior in pain? Sometimes you can tell by the look on their face that something isn’t right. If they aren’t able to tell you what is wrong, try pointing to different parts of the body and asking them to answer yes or no if it hurts. 

Sad or lonely: The very nature of Alzheimer’s disease is isolating. As memory and abilities slowly decline, the older adult’s world becomes smaller. They might remember faces of loved ones but be unable to recall names. Eventually, they live in a world where no one and nothing looks familiar.  

Confusion: As short-term memories fade, an adult with memory loss might be confused about where home really is. They may try to find their way back to a house that was home many years ago.

Unmet needs: Sometimes the senior wants to “go home” because they are hungry, thirsty, tired, or need to use the bathroom. When the environment they are in doesn’t look familiar, they feel an urgent need to search for home. It can help to offer them something to eat or drink or show them to the bathroom. 
Boredom: Creating meaningful days can be difficult when a loved one you are a caregiver for has memory loss. Their need to find home might be the result of boredom and not enough activity.

Redirecting a Senior with Alzheimer’s Attention
When a senior with Alzheimer’s is frustrated and agitated at not being allowed to search for home, redirecting their attention is often the best solution:
Ask for their assistance. Bring a basket of towels in to the living room and ask for the senior’s help folding them. Or try offering them a dust cloth and asking the senior to clean the dining room or help make dinner. Giving the senior a job may help redirect their thoughts.
Turn on favorite music. Research shows that music has the power to change mood. Uplifting songs can boost mood, while the sounds of nature can soothe agitation. Music an older adult associates with the happiest times in their life might also help calm the senior and make them forgot about searching for home.
Agree to go later: If you aren’t able to redirect your senior loved one’s attention, agree with them that you will go to their house later. Tell them you have to make a cake and clean up the kitchen first. Agreeing with them might help soothe the agitation they feel, while also buying you time. It’s entirely likely a senior with memory loss will forget they were searching for home before long.

Also, try giving your mom a baby doll to hold; they can be incredibly comforting to women sometimes.

Best of luck!!

My 92 yo mother w dementia says same thing...& sometimes she thinks her address is still where she grew up.
Hugs 🤗

Everyone's suggestions helps me out a lot. I might not be able to find her the home she is seeking but all of you have helped me to continual seeking the things she may need. To Captain, Alva Deer,Grandma 1954,DollyMe,lealonnie1, and Caregiver1 I find comfort in your replies if that makes sense. I will try to pass that comfort on to her.
Many blessings to all
ktsmom

Sounds like a serious case of sundowners, if I had to guess. Have you called the doc? It appears that what she has available to calm her down is not working. Maybe she needs something else or more of what she's got. Also, I would give it to her at an appointed hour every day prior to the time where she usually starts getting agitated.

Good luck! You WILL make it through until you find her a placement. I would put that on the fast track.

Dear Beloved Daughter,


I fully understand your challenges.
I have been taking care of my mom for 7 + years as her legal guardian. My mom's mental ability declined after hospitalization for shingles 7 yrs ago with intravenous antibiotic treatment and also being challenged with hypothyroidism which causes dementia.
We have taken a holistic approach with the understanding that are immunal system starts in the gut.
Be mindful of all food and beverage your mom eats and drinks. Make a log. Utilize a clean diet plan and research healing the gut naturally - Dr Axe' s products are a good resource. Eliminate inflammatory foods and beverages. More than likely your mom is experiencing inflammation to her gut and brain.
Start with the diet in making a healthy change. Note this is a very tedious process and it does take a lot of time and effort. Eliminate sugar, dairy and empty carbohydrates like cookies, chips ect. My mom loves larabar protein bars. Proper hydration is essential with a good quality alkaline water.

Have her bloodwork checked routinely for any imbalances especially check her thyroid & glucose function. Check her urine for a possible urinary track infection, which seriously causes mental confusion from being dehydrated ect.
I know that this is a lot to take in. I just wanted to share what has been extremely helpful for my mom.
I stay in a detective mindset to help my mom through her healing process.

Stay Encouraged!
May God bless you and your mom!

Stop trying to stop her. That will be a huge relief, all by itself. Talk to her about her early home. Ask her questions about the times when she lived there. Try to lead her into a narrative. When she asks direct questions such as "why can't I go there?" you have two options: one, excuse yourself ("I have to see to the washing machine, I'll be back in a moment") and leave the room; or two, when you're feeling up to it, go through the routine of explaining that it's best that she stays where she is for now, until she's better/the roof has been fixed/whatever you normally tell her.

Important note: you are not trying to make her understand. You are reassuring her in the moment by acknowledging what she says and responding appropriately. Her understanding and retaining the information is not possible, so again - give up.

With her feeling abandoned and her crying, it's almost the same strategy. She DOES feel abandoned. She DOES feel sad. Not because of anything anyone has done to her, but because that's what her brain is telling her. You can't change it, so just sympathise with the pain, do what you can to soothe her, and let her be.

Please don't think that I don't get what torment this is, and how horrible it is not to be able to connect your mother with her reality. My heart is in my boots for you.

This is where her mind and memories are "stuck". This will fade as she loses those memories. In the meantime, I agree with others that trying to stop or change her will not work. Diversion to another topic or task may help but it seems the brain "do loop" is pretty firmly established. Try to get her more active when she is her most cooperative and lucid so she will sleep well at night. Try to keep her on a consistent schedule with 8-9 hours of sleep at night. Try to keep places brightly lit during the day to help her with any "shadow anxiety or Sun Downer's." Play music she recognizes and ask her to sing along. Also, talk to her doctor about this anxiety she is experiencing and see if he/she wants to adjust her meds.

Good luck.

When I was my Mom's caregiver I found that the only way to preserve my sanity through those times of constant asking the same question all the time was to do the following: I quickly rationalized that if 10 to 20 people walked into the room and each asked the same question, I would have no problem answering each one of them. So each time she asked, I calming answered and repeated that with each additional question. It really was a nerve saver for me.  It sure kept me calm. I learned that many times it was how I reacted or didn't react was how she carried on or calmed down.

I agree with what was said prior regarding lights on in the room, changing subject and soft music. I also found that a soft stuffed animal nuzzled next to her neck was very soothing and calmed her down. I have also found, with my husband alzheimers, cutting out ALL caffeine has worked wonders along with cutting out a lot of sugars.

But I will tell you sundowning is something can cause some strange events. Main thing is keeping her safe and yourself sane. Do not try to make her understand, they can not. The brain does not allow them to understand or learn, so please do not even try, save your breath and it will help you. Take a deep breath and know you are doing the best you can. Hope this helps. mp

Since she is caught back in that time what about playing music from her youth. Just before 3pm and let it play to bedtime? Think of what home was like in that generation; music more than tv shows. Maybe that will calm her. Lavender essential oil in a diffuser may also be helpful and rub lavender on her hands and arms to see if it calms her. Scent and music are memories that don’t seem to fade or are last to go.

We have been here. My 90 year old father is currently in an Assisted Living with staff that had been threatening to put him a memory care. He had been at home up until he had a stroke a few months ago and was also diagnosed with alzheimers type dementia. He was then put into rehab but became unmanageable to the point he was physically abusing staff. He kept chanting the same things over and over again. Yelling for Jesus. Chasing mice down the hallway. Many falls, tried to jump out a second story window. He wandered into other people's rooms in the middle of the night. Seroquel has been our savior. He still has problems at times but the Assisted Living is now agreeable to him staying for awhile anyway.

Very much the same with my dad. He finally stopped doing it but he always started it precisely at 3:00! After many conversations concerning it, it started to dawn on me he was also talking about his childhood home. Now at 3:00 he calls me into his room every 10 minutes to ask if he’s going to have a meal coming. I have found that if I make sure there are some snacks available to him at 3:00 he is satisfied and stops calling me in there all the time. Is there some kind of diversion that could be arranged to happen at this time of day and maybe interrupt the cycle? Anyway, 3:00 is the magic hour it all begins here too!

My mom’s sundowning starts promptly late afternoon with crying and wanting to go home. Medication doesn’t stop it so we brace for the change. I breathe through it, reassure her and wait for it to stop. Mostly it lasts only a few minutes before she stops and moves on. Distraction helps. Asking her questions about her childhood, her siblings, etc, distracts her long enough to answer and move past the dreaded sundown phase.

Sundowning is very difficult! My mom was on Seroquel and it helped her. But, ativan had completely the opposite effect as intended. What med is taken? Have you checked with doc about trying a different med? It is often trial and error to find something that works.

Hi ktsmom2004,
I would just tell my mind that her mind can't work anymore and I would just endlessly repeat things, or even just stay silent sometimes. I would put on an old movie-Turner Classic Movies.
Sometimes nothing works to put sanity in the situation, give yourself compassion. Best Wishes.

Some great advice here and I know I’m a bit late to the party but I had a couple things to offer from experience. It wasn’t an easy lesson and it’s not always easy to remember but our Mom’s don’t have control over this behavior, in fact they usually don’t remember it and neither do we. What we do have control over is our behavior, our mindset about it and the way we let it affect us, as it turns out that is also the best way to positivity affect the behavior or moments too, if there is a way to affect them.

Once I learned not to take personally or internalize my mom’s Thoughts and words during these episodes (not just sundowning) and think about them from her shoes, how frightening it must be to know something isn’t right and you are loosing control or don’t really know what’s real and what isn’t. It’s a natural instinct for all of us to dig in deeper and fight an opposition especially when we feel threaten by it and that’s exactly what my mom was doing when I tried to correct her or “tell her” what she needed to do, at least some of the time. There were and are times she is very open to out help and just gives in to whatever we “ feel is best” but it took a lot of turmoil to get to that and now it’s when she isn’t doing well and senses that, I think it’s the fear that she can’t manage anything on her own anymore and will have to give up all independence, that would terrify me in her shoes too!

its far easier on us to let go of everything needing to be perfect too, when she tells me she has visitors she doesn’t know or is in the library I now just go with it, ask her if she’s frightened by the visitor (she never is) and suggest she enjoy the company but usually just talking it out and getting some water in her brings her back to some reality and none of it was traumatic for either one of us. It hasn’t happened in a while but when she is digging in and being uncooperative, when I find myself reacting negatively and just too frustrated, the conversation or fight is going nowhere I stop it and walk away, hang up whatever the case. Depending on the circumstance I might get in touch with my brother to take over and approach her with fresh perspective but there is no pint in continuing for me because we won’t get anywhere good.

i have learned that mom doesn’t have control over her reactions or what she says a good deal of the time, she doesn’t even remember it a fair amount of the time she might remember fighting and might not but I do have control. I have control over my reactions and over the way I receive her behavior and words. I know she loves me and I certainly love her and that’s the place I always try to bring myself back to, start from and operate from.

When your mom wants to go back to her childhood home maybe you can try just joining in, “how is that home different from this one? What is your room like there, what is it you are missing...” “ Oh my goodness what makes you feel like this is jail?” Before she can start the people never come to visit saga maybe proactively say “wasn’t it nice to see Margret yesterday...I didn’t hear she was getting a new car did you? Isn’t it a beauty?”

when mom doesn’t recognize anyone just go with it wherever she is join her there, it might be interesting when she isn’t agitated and you might learn new things about her history you never knew. I’m not suggesting any of this is or will be easy, please don’t get me wrong but when you learn to let go of the non sensical stuff of them not having the same grasp on reality and reason you automatically expect from years of being their child, it can change the burden you are feeling if that makes any sense.

We would put my mom in the car and drive around block for 15 minutes or so and then she would be tired and recognize her real home.

Sundowning is happening to your mother. Ask for a med re-evaluation from her physician.

Sundowners syndrome can be frustrating for a care giver. The delusions seem to become stuck on repeat. Wish I had wonderful advice to give, but I am in the same boat. Just not quite to your stage, yet. I had never even heard of sundowners syndrome till July this year. Man, did it open my eyes.
Hugs.

I never tried this with my mom, full spectrum light therapy is supposed to help in some cases. Sundowning is thought to be partially caused by change of natural light in the late afternoon and evening. Google it, there are a number of sites with information on full spectrum light therapy. It kinda makes sense.

Might be worth trying.

https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/899894
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325118.php