I hope my question doesn’t appear too insensitive, but I could use some feedback…

My thought is different. My father spent hospice at home. He passes 9 years ago and I treasure that time I had with him. I used to be afraid of death but I found it is very much like life there is a process to it and if you can give your loved one a loving and comfortable time of transition it can be a beautiful experience for all involved. I’m not saying it isn’t sad. It is, I miss my father terribly. I think of him every day. But I also think about the yellow butterfly that glutted outside the window of the family room where he laid in bed from Wednesday through Saturday morning when he passed and then the Butterfly was gone. Was that butterfly waiting for him? Who knows. But I will not miss the same experience with my Mother if I am blessed to have the opportunity to help her cross over. Each person is different and I am sorry you have sad feelings when thinking about losing your father in your home. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

If you have this very reasonable fear, you have every reason and right to place her no matter how much she objects. If this does happen, it could affect you for years to come with memories and more problems. Don't let the happen. Please place her - perhaps into assisted living. She lived her life and this is YOUR time.

I’m sorry you are going through this difficult time. It takes a very brave person to step up and be an end-of-life caregiver. Sometimes you might feel broken, but the fact that you have done this for your parents evidences incredible strength.

Many people on this forum will understand your PTSD.

The best way to change your fear may be to adapt your outlook.

All planning around death brings no guarantees.

i have had problems with similar spots in my home. Short of moving, I’ve come around to regard these sites as places of love, life, comfort and courage.

I was concerned when one of my young teens experienced my mother’s passing. I was specifically considering she might need counseling.

Several days after Mom died I was worrying about the fact that my daughter had been there. I asked her how she was doing with the experience and, to my surprise, she said she was grateful. She even said she would have been devastated (she specifically
said she would not be able to forgive herself) if she had not been there for her grandma to help her through at such a terrifying moment (for my Mom).

These words have helped me with my own internal struggle.

Doulasue....
Why don't you want your mother to pass in your home? What's wrong with having her with you?
Its not a sin to die....everyone of us alive today is going to pass, sooner or later.
I wouldn't have my late mother anywhere else but with me. She tried to talk me into putting her away in a NH, and then she began to state that she was going to just start walking.....but, thank God, she finally relented and stayed with my hubs and me. It's very, very hard to care for and watch the one you love and cannot live without slowly slip into decline....and finally, slowly, the lights go out. Hardest thing I've ever experienced. I'm still sad, lonely and grieving and she passed February 1, 2018.
If I wasn't saved by Christ the Lord, I'd have ended my own sad existence. But, I belong to Jesus, and He sustains me! He is my hope, my joy, and my reason for living now. I am ready for Heaven, as He died for me, for all of us, all we need to do to avoid Hell forever is Repent of our sins, and put our full trust in Him. He did the hard work by paying the penalty we earned by violating God's perfection. He paid the Penalty which is death, and being God the Creator, He rose bodily from the dead on the 3rd day.
For clarification, please watch on YT, Ray Comfort. I have a hard time explaining the Gospel....but, to listen to Ray as he interviews random people on the streets of So California is nothing short of incredible, amazing, and very interesting! Ray Comfort is an excellent teacher....people seem to really tune in and listen....I hope you can go to YT and find a video by Ray Comfort! He's very well worth your time!!
And, there's nothing wrong with your father or mother passing in your home, or their own. Where else would they? I'm assuming when God calls me Home, that I'll pass wherever I'm at, be it the store, in my car, or at my house....no big deal.
Do not be afraid!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3: 5,6

I am so glad you asked this question. I am facing the same thing. Came home from work to find my father had died suddenly in my guest bedroom. Mom has late stage dementia and was beside herself looking for him. I was rather traumatized. Now, eight months later, hospice has been called in for her and I really don't want her to die in my home.

Doulasue: Imho, your mother is in God's hands. My own late mother, whom I had to live with to provide care out of state, died while I was living in her home. Although she did not die in her home, she did pass away at the local hospital just days after my own birthday. So I feel for you; I truly do.

Perhaps. hospice is an answer for you. Were you able to talk about your dad and how that still has impacted you emotionally and you do not want to remember mom that way? Wow, this is difficult...do you have siblings who can help also?
Bless you, you are not insensitive, just the reverse. I would feel the same way.

My dad passed away in his bed many years ago. My husband and I came home for his funeral. My mom was staying with my sister's family, so my husband and I stayed in my parents' home. We wound up in the very bed where my dad died. We just changed the sheets, which we would have done under any other circumstances. I knew my dad loved me unconditionally, and he was a practical person. So it just made sense to sleep in his bed.
My husband passed away last November. He was bed bound in a hospital bed, which I had located in our den. He was in that location so I could keep an eye on him all the time. He had a nice view out of the doors in both directions. I couldn't very well let the location where he died haunt me. My solution was to place a huge, beautiful Christmas tree in the spot where he died. It helped chase the sad feelings away re the locations. I'm now in the process of redecorating the room, which was long overdue. I had put everything on hold during the time my husband was declining so as not to create stress. Again, my husband and I really loved each other, so no spooky feelings about where death occurred. He wanted to be at home, and I was blessed to be able to care for him.

Do not feel bad for that.
Assisted Living doesn’t like anyone to die in their facility. If death is imminent, they call the Conservator or POA and have them transferred into hospice at a hospital or private facility.
Turns out, people aren’t fond of moving into a home or room where someone else “passed.”
I had to meet the ambulance at the hospital, then they transferred her to the hospice building, for her last 3 days.
If you sell your house, you have to divulge, someone died in it.
You only get out of it, if the house was not owned by you.

I think you've made yourself perfectly clear that you do NOT want your mom passing in your home, and that's not insensitive; it's your wishes and that's fine. You shouldn't be 'talked out of it', you should have your wishes honored in this case. Nobody can say when your mom will pass, naturally, or that 'it will happen within this year or the next year', unless they have a crystal ball or a hotline directly to God's phone!

When the time comes that you feel hospice is required, get the doctor to write an order for an evaluation. Once approved, have mom placed in a hospice house/facility where you can go visit her daily, and where she can be tended to 24/7 by their staff. "Being adamant" about not wanting to be in nursing home is actually a selfish statement for a parent to make, and does not take the children's needs or wants into consideration. Life doesn't always pan out the way we'd like it to, or turn out to be a neat and simple process, especially where death is concerned. I think it's 100% fair and reasonable to have mom placed in a hospice facility when she is approaching the end of her life; that's not a 'nursing home' and you'll have done the most you can for her by the time that determination is made.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation

My dear father passed in his own home with family surrounding him. I would have been heartbroken if he passed alone. Some people can handle it but others can't and that is ok.My dad was comfortable so we had a good experience through his dying process. We were able to say goodbye to my dad. He came home from the hospital and passed after four days. Those four days were so emotional and heartbreaking but I had family support and relied on my faith in the Lord. My brother was in a VA facility and had hospice. He got the very best of care. We were able to have a room down the hall and stay with him until he died. I am grateful for the team of caregivers. Hospice would be a very good choice. It is best to have them in place so they get to know your mother and when the time comes it an easier transition for all. Hospice team will direct you and do what is best for your mom and family. It will be a good support system for you and famlily. Best to leave the caregiving to the professionals. It is wise to have a plan, but try to enjoy your mother and build memories that will last a life time. The very best to you and family.

You need to do what is the best for you. My sister insisted that Mom be brought back to her (Mom's) house when the rest of us wanted her to go to a hospice from the hospital. Mom's death was expected to come within a few days, but it took 3 weeks. She survived for more than 2 weeks after she stopped taking liquids. Mom was glad to be home for the first couple of days, but quickly became pretty much unaware of her surroundings. The need for 24 hour care drove us all batty. That was 3 weeks of hell that more than over-balanced any nice moments that happened in the first few days.

There is a very strong case to be made for death in a hospice facility. I have been close to several people who either made that choice or the choice was made for them by family. In a hospice facility there are trained staff for taking care of the physical needs of the dying, there are multiple staff to assure night care, and also plenty of people who know what is happening and understand what needs to be done.

Bear in mind that after your mother dies, you will probably live for many more years. It would be a very good thing if you could have her final days, weeks, whatever include some good memories, some peace concerning the process. You may want to have some conversations with your Mom about what you need. She may be able to understand that you need to be able to have her cared for in a way that leaves you free to focus on your relationship rather than her physical decline. She may also have lost the capacity to consider anyone else's point of view. You will need to live with whatever happens.

It may be that your mother will have a brief final illness, like my mother, in which a choice is made to not seek further treatment. In that case, you can insist that she go where she can have medical care in hospice. She could also die suddenly, as you have mentioned. Perhaps it is better to make a few tentative plans and push the anguished decisions to the time when you have some facts on which to base your decision.

Perhaps it might have been wise if you had had these thoughts before you moved her into your home, but we all tend to think of the present first and not consider what will happen next. Whatever happens, enjoy the time you now have with your mother, feeling the closeness of your relationship. If things change later, you will have some good memories to offset the painful decisions you may--or may not--have to make later.

She is 90 and it will probably happen within this year or next year. Did you have a hospice nurse come for your dad? It sounds as if you did it all alone. You don't have to. Statistics say that if you force her out to a different location, she will die within 3 months from the shock of change. Please do your best to contact various social workers to get referrals for in home care for your mom. For the psychological shock YOU had when your dad died and for the nervous fear you have of watching your mom die, please get help from a professional. Psychologist or minister, or whomever you can trust. I hope this helps you.. I, myself, died. Yes, I was revived, but I can tell you it was the most peaceful and deep rest anyone can experience. It shocked my son, however, because he was the one who had to see me die. I was in the hospital with pneumonia, and "coded" (they said I was brain dead for a while, and not breathing on my own. It took 5 minutes of shocking me and pounding on my chest to revive me). My son said afterward, "Mom, just before it happened, your eyes rolled back and your lips turned purple, and you said "oh, no" . I told him, "I said WHAT? Oh, no? How BORING. I REALLY must plan for something to say more interesting for the next time I die!" and I cracked up laughing. He somberly said, MOM, that is NOT funny! I told him, "Well I think it is HILARIOUS!" and I kept laughing! My poor son. He had to watch me die. But I can tell you even if it LOOKED horrible when I was dying, I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING at all. It doesn't hurt to die. So, with your mom, it may look terrible to you, but please realize that it will not hurt her to die. It will LOOK awful to you. But, not to her. She will just ... STOP. Just like a clock that has its battery just stop. The hands stop moving. It may help for you to get the paperwork and planning in for the time being so you are actively doing something to prepare yourself for when she STOPS. (Don't think of it as dying, just stopping.)

Have you explored why that is a problem for you? For me, I find it comforting to know I’m in the same room where my husband found the portal to heaven and my dad too. Each time I drive by the local hospital I think of my mom leaving us there. To me it doesn’t matter where. I’m going to think of it one way or another. But I’m not afraid of death so maybe that is why I find it comforting. Perhaps your own feelings about death are what’s troubling you.

This certainly isn't an easy situation or feelings to have.

IF you decide that you mom will stay where she is, it is then a matter of you processing through your feelings from the past (30 years ago w/your dad) - to support you with your mom when she transitions.

* Memories will always come up. Some good, some not so good, some heartbreaking.

* It sounds like perhaps you never allowed yourself to process through what happened to your dad, in your home. I would recommend you get into therapy / counseling to work through these feelings - from 30 years ago - and present day.

* Your question could appear insensitive to others and frankly, so what? You feel this way and you are entitled to your feelings. It is a matter of how you 'hold' the experience of transitioning (dying) and how you learn and decide to process/let go, for instance:

- When you are in the room where your dad died and as you say 'and remember' - yes you will and always will remember. It IS possible to feel those memories and then ATTACH a good feeling and memory of your Dad, with the sadness / loss. It is a way to honor and appreciate him, remembering a loving moment. Turn the sadness into a moment of gratitude and reflection.

- Allow the sadness to come, the tears to come. Do not 'try' to suppress the feelings, allow them to wash through you. Be present and honor ALL your feelings. Gena / Touch Matters

There are places that provide hospice services. It might be better to call these "personal care homes" or "assisted living" or "senior apartments_ than nursing homes to your mom. You have a right to decide the conditions you live under.

Awe my heart aches for you. It's okay to move her to a hospice facility. The hospice nurse can be sure she has everything she needs and Medicare pays for all the durable medical equipment..etc.. you may have to pay a daily fee until she passes.
Ask the hospice nurse to help you recognize the time to move her over there . They hospice and palliative care nursing here in Michigan are absolutely Godsent nurses with so many helpful ideas.
Prayers and blessings.

My mother wanted to die in her own home too. I was her caregiver for 10 yrs. I told her that when she could no longer manage in her own home, and could no longer ambulate on her own, or she became bed-bound, that I could no longer care for her and that I would have to make other arrangements for her. She was on hospice for chf and breast cancer and we all knew the days were coming that she could no longer manage on her own. Sure enough, when she knew she was in danger of falling etc, she herself admitted she needs to go to the hospice facility. And we arranged it. She lived another 10 days and died peacefully at hospice. I knew I couldn’t care for her anymore and she knew it too. It had to be this way. Be loving but firm. Because you are providing care for your loved one to remain at home, does not mean you have the ultimate caring capabilities to continue the routine. There is a limit. Voice your limitations. It’s an honest emotion and fact.

Please Get Over Your bad feelings of your Mom dying at home.

DYing at home is the best and most natural place to die.

Wold you like to die alone in a cold ole Hospital Bed or Nursing Home?

I had my sister live with my husband and I her last 3 months and she was given our Master Bedroom as that was the only one on the 1st floor.

I have never ever regretted it.

The day she arrived she was so thankful to be with me. She said she felt loved and safe.

Yes, it was sad and even tho it's been 8 years next month, things in my Bedroom and bathroom remind me of her but I'm so glad I made the decision to let her.

I and yes, she died in my bed as she found the Hospital bed not comfortable and she even asked me being concerned about it and I told her I would be honored to have her with me and in my bed and was happy I could do it.

If you don't want mom to die in your new to be Master Bedroom, you can always change rooms with her sooner than later.

There's not a person alive who WANTS to be in a nursing home. It's the most natural fear and we all dread it. Make the most of your Mom's living situation now, and stop worrying about the future. There will be a lot of twists and turns during the rest of her lifetime; and trust me, you can never predict them all. If the time comes when she needs hospice care, you can decide AT THAT TIME, whether you want it to be at home or in a well chosen hospice facility, based on her condition. I truly believe the situation will present itself in a way that will make your decision feel "right" to you. I wish you all the best.

There is always the possibility your mother will experience an illness that results in her going to the hospital, and her life may end there. That happened to both of my mother's parents.

Most Hospice have an In Patient Unit that they will admit patients to when they have to manage pain or symptoms.
But that In Patient Unit can also be used, if beds are available for Respite as well as other circumstances.
If mom is on Hospice talk to the Social Worker and the Chaplain and discuss this. There is a good possibility that they would take mom as she shows End Of Life signs. (Hospice I volunteer for took a young mom and kept her for a while as she and her husband did not want her to die in the house where her young ( grade school age) children would be. ) The Hospice I volunteer for the room are NOTHING like a nursing home or even a hospital so if the Hospice you select has an In Patient Unit like that mom would probably be very comfortable and at ease .

Everyone has their own opinion of if they want a loved one at home until their time of passing or vice versa. Some people will not buy houses where someone passed away in them. When it is our time, our soul/spirit will leave no matter where we are, its those of us living that can't or won't feel comfortable with the after of the process. It would be a constant reminder of "oh thats where they were sitting, or lying, etc", some can't get past it and IF they don't feel comfortable then it is what it is. sometimes things happen fast (heart attack) and we have no control of that if they pass right away. it happened to someone in my husbands family and they lived with that every single day and it can cause depression. My father passed in a NH because he had dementia and we could not care for him at home, nor honestly I don't know if I could have handled. there is no shame in not wanting someone to pass in your house for various reasons. Explain, if you can, to your mother that you are having issues since your father passed and would feel even more depressed. so maybe find a place close by where you can visit every day but without worrying about her being in the house 24/7 when she passes. Like my father told me when i was younger, he would never let me go to funerals, as your mind has a way of letting you see that image for a long time afterwards of how they looked then, compared to remembering them how there were before. I wish you luck and maybe some counseling would help and talking with hospice to find some place where she can be close but not in the house. Its YOUR choice because you have to live where that person passed, etc.

You could get her admitted into hospice if you haven’t already and see if there is a stand alone hospice facility in your area.
Our society has a poor relationship with the natural process of death. Back in earlier times, before modern medicine, death was so common that people were more accepting. The body of the dead loved one would actually be held in the home for visitors and people would take turns sitting up all night with the body (hence the term "wake"). It was a sign of respect. We seem to want to whitewash it. One thing that helps me is to know you are holding a sacred space for the dying body so the soul is set free.
we really do not do ourself a favor by turning our back in death and dying process. My husband doesn’t even like to use the word die or dead…so odd.

I agree with Clairesmum. Find a counselor to help you with the trauma of your Dad's passing. Also, see if there is an End of Life Doula in your area - they are very helpful for Caregivers in providing respite care as well as suggestions/recommendations for assistance, programs, counseling. I realize Mom is healthy now but most Doulas will be versed in elder care as well as being able to assist in future planning. Most have sliding scale fees and would be private pay. Doulagivers has a list of Certified Doulagivers here https://doulagivers.com/find-a-end-of-life-doula/
Good luck!

This is one of my worries too - but for another reason many people on this forum will identify with.
I am worried that that my toxic sisters will barge into the house and make my mother's dying days a total nightmare for her and me.
At least you don't have that worry.
I think others here have given very practical advice.

At the point that your mom might be nearing the end, you will have to do what you think it best. As others said, NEVER promise the no nursing home option. You don't have to say no, but something vague like "I hope it never comes to that".

Be prepared though. As we all know, anyone can die at any time and often there is absolutely no advance notice. So you are not going to be able to control where she dies. My dad had a stroke in my living room and it never bothered me too much. When we still had the chair he slipped out of, I could "see" him there sometimes but that went away when we got new furniture in the living room. Not to get rid of his image, just because we needed it. That's an option - redecorate, move the furniture around, etc.

I'm sure you can find a way to deal with it if it happens again. Death is part of life so try not to get too freaked out about it.

Good luck.

If your mom ends up with a slower dying process, you can always get hospice involved, and when she gets closer to actually dying, you can have her brought to the hospice home where she can die at peace there. That way she won't be dying in your home. And the hospice homes that I am aware of are quite beautiful and peaceful. And the cost of it is covered 100% under moms Medicaid, if she dies within the week, otherwise there is charge to keep her there.

My mother wanted to die in a place other than at home so there wouldn't be that kind of sadness associated with the family house. She passed away comfortably in the nursing home just after I had visited her on Thanksgiving. And even many years later I never have sad thoughts on Thanksgiving but instead remember what a wonderful person she was. That's the kind of person and memory to give thanks for.

Good on you for thinking ahead and trying to find a path that won't leave you traumatized. Given your mom's age, once 'something' happens and she is clearly getting sicker, that process can be fairly rapid.
Look around now for a resource for you - a counselor who is trained in bereavement issues. Not the same as ordinary grief/loss or depression. Sorting out the impact of your father's death now will help a lot to allow you to be present to your mother and the current situation.
To find someone with bereavement training - ask your MD, ask the local hospital social services department, ask the local hospices (non profits often have more resource suggestions than the profit ones), ask your friends if they have a good therapist and then ask that therapist about bereavement vs. depression. And if talking to the first person does not help, try again.

Worked as a hospice nurse, and really hope you are able to find some effective support.